75 pounds down!

Proud of my mileage. More proud of my sweatage.

So I went to a surgical follow-up last week with my doctor to make sure everything looked good. She asked about my eating and if I was able to start working out.

"Well, I am running a half-marathon in March and I've started training for that, so..."

To which she replied "Of COURSE you are!"

Even my doctor knows I don't do anything half-assed I guess.

As of this week, I am 75 pounds down from my pre-surgery weight when I started the process in April. It hasn't been easy physically or mentally, but day by day, I see progress that is pretty mind-blowing. I just got home from finishing a 3 mile run. This week, our official half-marathon training started. (shout out to everyone that is doing this race in March! You are all amazing humans.) I just looked at my training log and realized I ran 13 miles this week, which is the distance of a half-marathon.

Would the Liz of last year ever believe this was in my future? That's a big hell no. In fact, I had given up on my future in so many ways. Admitting I needed help in the form of weight loss surgery has made me realize how important it is to let people in. To let people in to my struggles, my embarrassments, my pain, my reality, my fears, all of it. Going to therapy and having surgical intervention and relying on my friends to take care of me hasn't been natural for me, but it's been necessary.

A blog can't describe what the past three months have taught me. When I made the decision to get healthy, my world opened up in every way. God has shown me love through people like I never thought possible. And If I had remained hidden behind my weight and my complacency, I would never have received the joy I am receiving now from so many wonderful people around me (and if you're reading this...you're most likely one of those wonderful people).

So if you need any word of encouragement today it would be this: don't settle. Know what you're worth and believe you deserve it all. You were created by God and God doesn't make mistakes.

(my other word of wisdom: Kesha is a GREAT running soundtrack. Just saying.)

Trust your friends.

So I had my follow-up one month nutritionist class yesterday. My program is great because surgery is not the end. I have follow-ups for about a year that include everything from blood work to nutrition counseling to therapy. And thank God for that because I have been inside my own head quite a bit in the last month.

At the end of class, you meet individually with the nutritionist. The conversation went a little something like this:

Nutritionist: "So, how are you doing?"
Me: "Pretty good. I can still only tolerate three shakes a day and I'm not doing much solid food."
Nutritionist: "What do you think the problem is?"
Me: "I don't know, it took me about an hour to eat a greek yogurt the other day, My body just wasn't interested."
Nutritionist: "Yeah, that's part of the deal. You just need to be patient with yourself."
Me: "Story of my life. I still feel like I am the medical anomaly that this surgery won't work for because I've been stalled out with the scale."
Nutritionist: "You are at the the three week stall. It happens to everyone. Your body has gone through trauma and it's trying to recover. How's your support system at home?"
Me: "Well, I live alone but my friends have been amazing. People have been taking me for walks, working out with me, and really encouraging me."
Nutritionist: "And are they seeing progress in you?"
Me: "Yes, my friends keep telling me my face changes weekly. It's hard for the fat girl in me to believe it's working!"
Nutritionist: "You should trust your friends."

Mic drop.

You know this whole thing is not just about weight loss. It never was. When you choose to live a healthy life and choose to take your life back, all kinds of amazing things begin to happen. For me, when I decided to be vulnerable, let down my walls, and let people in, my life completely changed. We all walk through life in self-preservation mode. The problem with that, is that walls keep bad things out sure, but they also keep the best things out too.

I don't know about you, but I want to live a life that is open and available to the good and the bad. I would rather love and be hurt than never experience love to begin with. And that is all about trust. My nutritionist in all her professional glory is right. I should trust my friends. I should trust my friends with the most vulnerable parts of me. Because I am learning, that's the best stuff of all.

"God just wanted to slow you down!"

If I hear that one more time, I might kick someone with my good leg.

My faith has been shaken.

There. I said it.

It is still shaky. And I will tell you why.

Two steroid epidurals, icing, resting, and months of prayer from friends and family later...I am still the same. I can barely walk. My left leg constantly feels like it is on fire from pain shooting down my leg, and all week every week I grin and bear it. Every time I have to walk somewhere to pick something up from another office, or to go talk to someone, or to go to the bathroom, I have to give myself a pep talk. "You can do this. You can do this."

I can't do this.

Friends have been praying for healing. I wake up and I pray for healing. I have begged God. I have pleaded. I have written to him every morning. I have been faithful and obedient. I know he loves me. I know this is not the life he wants for me, especially when being active has been a lifeline for me and the catalyst for my weight loss.

But nothing has changed.

A week or so ago, days after my second epidural, I was doing better, so I biked. Nothing major. Nothing crazy. But only a few days after that, the pain returned to where I can't walk ten steps anymore without debilitating pain.

I can't stand up at church. I can't lay down comfortable at night. I can't go shopping with friends. It absolutely and completely sucks.

I've had to get creative with my down time. Time that
was once reserved for work outs is now reserved for
jigsaw puzzles and online sermon series.

I'm past the point of "God is teaching me patience." I am past the point of "God will heal you!" I am past the point of "God just wanted to slow me down to show me stuff!"

I think we all try to reason away pain because we simply don't understand it. Same thing with death. Ever notice how people have strange reactions to death? Some are inconsolable, some act like they knew the person way better than anyone else, some want to explain it, some want to move past it right away, some NEVER move past it the rest of their lives. We don't understand death because we were never created to experience death. 

The plan was for Adam and Eve to live forever. But sin screwed that up for everyone.

Now I don't think my back pain is some biblical warning against sin. But I do think it's just a crap situation for me and I wish more people would just sit in it with me rather than try to explain it, solve it, or reason it away by saying "God is teaching you something glorious!" It's also showing me how much I have reasoned away other people's pain instead of been beside them like they needed.

The awesome revelation here? People need YOU. Sometimes, they aren't looking for your answers. They are looking for YOU.

Once again, God is bringing beauty out of brokenness. But he didn't cause this brokenness. But I will be honest and say, I need some healing. Fast.

God hasn't healed me yet. Or allowed any significant help medically. And I'm pissed about that. But even in my shaky faith, I will pray. Because I know God can do all things. I just wish he would choose to heal my back. Monday, I have another appointment with my back specialist guy to see what's next, either another injection or options for surgery.

And so we keep praying.

-Liz

Nothing but grateful.

I was fortunate enough to go to our area's Young Life banquet last night. I saw SO MANY old friends. People I used to lead with, people I went to college with, women that have shaped my faith and walked with me through pain over the years, and kids that I know now who are experiencing Young Life for the first time like I did when I was in high school.

I was reminded how God uses other people to change our lives. And I was reminded to be grateful for that.

My whole life, God has been trying to talk to me through other people. In high school, a woman named Carol took an interest in me, asked me to come to Young Life, and that decision she made to show up at Unionville High School changed my life. And because of her faith, I have grown and God has used me to change the lives of others.

My recent back injury has been another great example of this. I had no idea of the support system I had until I was down and out. Just this morning I was able to wake up and go work out without my two hour time window to stretch and ice my back. I was so grateful to be able to walk, to feel my leg and back getting stronger, to be able to lift, to cycle, all of it.

But I am just as grateful for the people that care about me. So many people were asking about me, last night and this morning. I can't get over that. And it was a swift reminder of the things I complain about and am not grateful for.

See, tough people like me do NOT want to have to rely on others. But for the past few months, I have had to call on friends like never before. That's what happens when your toilet explodes or when you can't drive yourself home from a doctor's appointment.

I stole this picture from my friend Pam's facebook. Hopefully she's ok with it. Do I live my life being grateful? Not really. I complain about my wireless not being fast enough. My grocery store clerk for taking too long. My paycheck not having enough zeros.

Today I am going to practice the art of gratefulness. I'm going to suck at it, but I am going to keep trying. And to those of you that have encouraged me with your words, notes, texts, emails, and all points in between...you have turned this tough girl into a complete softie.

And I am grateful.

-Liz

When God showed up.

Is it me that shows up, or is it God in me that shows up?

I would be remiss to not document the epic nature of this day. Remember, Thursday (two days ago) was round two of my steroid shots. And on Thursday (two days ago) I could barely stand. And here it is, Saturday. And this is what happened today:

I spent the morning with God. Like every morning in the past two weeks. This, in itself, has been an epic and essential part of my life. It's a joke that I try to maintain a relationship with God when I don't give Him any of my time. Anyone else in my life would have moved on by now. Some have. And who could blame them?

As I was writing in my journal this morning about my physical struggle, God put it in my heart to toss all my junk food out. All of it. So I did. Anything questionable in my house that was impeding my progress was purged. That was amazing.

God showed up.

Mid-morning I went down to NC State to have lunch with the Wizard. Now if you don't know her, you are really missing out. All the while, my leg feels stronger, my back felt loser, and my heart felt fuller. Yeah, fuller.

Do I dare try a workout? I did dare. And I was so...nervous. I have felt defeated, watching myself gain weight back and not be able to control it. Watching my progress turn to regress is heartbreaking. I got on the bike and started pedaling.

And then, God showed up again. In the form of my friend Nancy who works out at the Y frequently, walks with a cane, and never fails to smack my perspective back in line. I said a simple hello to Nancy, but what I really wanted to say is: "you INSPIRE me. Every single day that I see you, and I don't tell you that enough."

So I biked. And I did an upper body workout, and I have never, ever felt so grateful for my hands. And my feet. And the ability to walk. And strength. And progress and struggle and all points in between. Because amidst the peaks and valleys, no matter where I am, God shows up.

I know SO many of you prayed for my healing. I cannot thank you enough. I am overwhelmed with gratitude, and humbled by your love for me. Because of you, God showed up.

It's time for me to start showing up for God a little more.

-Liz

Dear Diary. Daily.

Every day. Every single day.

Yesterday was round 2 of steroid injections. And I was all "Hey, this will be no big deal! Last time it was actually kind of fun!"

I am so naive.

This time, Dr. Bhat got me. And he got me good. Was he mad at me? Bad morning at the golf course? Obamacare got him down? Whatever it was, he took it out on me, and my bare butt (yeah he's seen my beautiful booty twice now and has yet to buy me a meal) on that x-ray table.

Someone asked me what it felt like. You know that sensation when you might accidentally chew tin foil and it hits a filling? (note: who "accidentally chews tin foil'? Me. But it happened more when I was a kid. So I am not sure what my parents were feeding me?

Or what about the feeling when you get a paper cut? But not an ordinary paper cut. This paper cut is from the lip of a manilla envelope and it's in the webbing of your hand or something.

Or if your knee cap momentarily slips out of its home and you were like "what the heck just happened to my body?"

So yeah, add those three things together and multiply them by 5 or so...it's a math problem. A painful one.

But I also said to the doctor and nurse "This hurts WAY more than last time! So that means it's going to work!" I didn't get the resounding high fives I was looking for. I think they were just appeasing me. But I am excited nonetheless.

I am up this morning, and I feel less numbness in my leg. Great sign. I can put more weight on my left leg. Great sign. I have more hope than ever. Great sign.

I do feel like God has said to me "Why has it taken this debilitating injury to get some time with you?" He's right. So I have been practicing that art of surrender and purposefully writing in my journal every morning, THANKING Him for this. Not for causing this (because He didn't...deadlifts did) but for using the pain for good. Beauty out of brokenness. And at the end of each entry I tell him that I love him and I ask for one thing: "God, please heal my body."

Because I know God can. And God will. Stay tuned...

-Liz

Sweet little lies

When I started this blog specific to my weight loss journey, it was meant for the sole purpose of holding me accountable to keep at it. I knew that, if I made it known to everyone that I was doing this, that it would be much harder for me to quit.

What it's turned into, is a place for me to be reminded that I am not alone. A lot of us feel the same way, whether or not we've ever admitted it. Today I am struggling with something that I know is universal. It doesn't matter if you're battling weight loss, or if it's something else. Whatever it is, this concept, for me, is all the same:

What happens when you start believing lies?

Over the past few weeks, here are a few lies that I have believed. See, believing in these lies temporarily, even for a moment, creates a setback for me, because it only takes a second for me to fall off the wagon and do something stupid.

Have you ever believed one (or all) of these lies?

1. You can't do it. You'll probably never get to where you want to be, and you've gone pretty far, so give yourself a break.
2. Nobody really knows how you feel.
3. You've talked about this enough with people, they are sick of hearing about it.
4. You deserve this. You need a break. You'll start tomorrow.
5. It's not that big of a deal.
6. _______ doesn't struggle with this, so why should you?

On and on and on, right? I heard a woman in church say something awesome that immediately made me tear up because, she was reading my mind:
"As soon as God asks you to do something, Satan will work overtime to stop you from doing it."

Let me be clear. I believe there is light in this world, and if I believe that, then I have to believe that there is dark in this world. If I believe there is a God, I have to believe there is an enemy. And the enemy doesn't want you to succeed. If you succeed, you will be powerful. You will be closer to God and then darkness loses.

We know that Jesus Christ conquered death. So He has already conquered these lies for us. Yet, we still believe them.

Why do we believe them?

I am learning that it is easier to believe the lies. It is easier to settle. It is easier to do whatever we want. It is easier to believe that we are not worth it, that we were not made for more. It is easier to believe that we, at best, are...

Average.

It is hard for me to say no to cupcakes. It is hard for me to go to meetings where there is a bowl of M&Ms on our table and not eat them (this happened last week, and yes, I ate them). It is hard for me to watch tv at home and not want to snack for hours. It is hard for me to get up in the morning and put on my running shoes and work out. It is hard for me to say no to certain social situations where everyone else can eat whatever they want and not have it directly affect their heart and soul like it does for me.

But it is better.

You and I are not average. We are called to a greater purpose. But there is something that is in the way. Something that prevents us from fully becoming the person the God has made us to be. And when we start to face that thing, that's when we believe the lies and the battle gets serious. It gets serious, because it is truly a BATTLE for your heart and soul. When we lessen the seriousness of the struggle, we lessen our own value and self-worth and before you know it, here we are. Living a paltry version of the abundant life we were created for.

Haven't we been believing lies about ourselves for too long? What would happen if we started believing the truth?

You were made for more than this.

-Liz

...the agony of defeat.

Over the 4th of July week, I went to Mexico to an all-inclusive resort. For some people, moderation relates to the unlimited alcohol you can get there. For me, moderation related to the unlimited food that I got there.

I haven't truly recovered since.

Getting back on track is so hard. SO hard. It's hard for me to come to terms with the scale. It hasn't dipped down to where it used to be. I am tired, I don't want to do the 60 minutes of cardio that I need to do. I don't want to eat well. I want to do...whatever I want.

Pride.

Since the rollercoaster ride was over, I tasted victory that made me feel like I was done with all this. I have gotten too comfortable in this new size so I am not going after losing weight like I need to. I have lost the sense of urgency, forgotten that this is the fight of my life, and ignored it.

Mistake.

Yesterday I pulled myself upstairs to work out. I got on the elliptical and decided to listen to sermons instead of music. I thought of Elevation Church in Charlotte because my friend Cameron goes there. I ended up listening to two random sermons by Steven Furtick.

The first one was about facing your fears (you can find it here). In the middle of it, the pastor said, and I quote (from memory, so it's truly paraphrased):

"Maybe you eat because you're happy, or you're sad. You're celebrating, or your mourning, you're lonely, or you're in community. Overeating is never about a lack of discipline, it's about the presence of fear. Fear is preventing you from living out the life that God has intended for you."

Why was this 30-something, thin pastor guy talking about overeating? Needless to say, I was on the elliptical CRYING. Sweating and crying. I figured it was ok since tears look like my sweat drops anyway. Whatever.

Then the 2nd sermon (you can find it here, try to ignore the cool guy soul patch vibe)...was based on only one verse: 1st Samuel 16:1 which says:

The Lord said to Samuel, “How long will you mourn for Saul, since I have rejected him as king over Israel? 

So the gist of his sermon is this: How long will you continue to mourn for what God has rejected?

How long will I continue to mourn for what God has rejected? For some of us, it's a bad relationship. For some of us, it's an addiction to anything - a person, a thing, a place, a time of life, a job, you name it.

For me, it's my reliance on food. And Furtick CALLS THAT ONE OUT specifically in his sermon! God spoke to me directly through my stupid iPhone podcast on the stupid elliptical. How long will I continue to mourn for Bojangles, for Ben and Jerry, for Krispy Kreme, for feeling painfully full and using food as my comfort? God has clearly rejected this in my life, I have just chosen to ignore Him.

So I went home and I erased my white board with my "# of pounds to next goal" written on it. I need to reset. I need to start over. I need to live today in victory, and that means letting go of the weight I gained back. I am trying to.

Maybe this is Phase 2. Or maybe it's Phase 32. I don't know. I just know that I have to roll with the punches and not give up. I have to move on, realize the seriousness of the battle, and let go of the past.

How long will YOU continue to mourn over something that God has rejected?

-Liz

My first spring break

Tomorrow I am going to a resort outside of Cancun, Mexico. It is a trip that I have been planning with three of my friends since March. This place is an all-inclusive resort with beaches, pools, spas, shows, restaurants, and all the other stuff.

This is my first spring break.

I have never gone on spring break like most typical people do. Not in high school, not in college. I have taken spring breaks, sure...but I have never done the beach thing. You know why. That would mean...bathing suits. Showing skin. Being self-conscious of my body, knowing I was the biggest one on the beach, jealous of "normal" people, and embarrassed to be the only person swimming with shorts on top of my bathing suit.

There are so many reasons I am excited for this trip tomorrow. I am excited to sit in the airplane seats. I will be able to put the armrests down and wear the seat belt comfortably! Some of you know how much of a victory this is. I will be able to fit in any beach chair, any lounge chair, wear a bathing suit and not be embarrassed.

I have a long way to go with my weight loss. But this trip is a celebration for me that I have come a long way. I need to celebrate this and not forget what God has done. I have never in my life taken a long beach trip with three girls. I have protected myself from this because it was just too embarrassing.

Not anymore, friends. Not anymore.

(side note: if you are the praying type and could remember to pray for me while we're gone, I need it. All-inclusive means...EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT. For me, it's like letting an alcoholic be in charge of a bar for 5 days. I need the prayer.)

-Liz

If your refrigerator could speak...

I went grocery shopping today since we were out of bananas. Yes my friends, this is always a tragedy.

I am painfully aware of the ways I use food as a coping mechanism for life's ups and downs. Food is there for me when I celebrate, when I mourn, when I am lonely, when I am in community, and truly every emotion in between.

The cool thing now, is to see how I use food in the moment. For instance, I was really hungry today after I worked out. (side note: it was also something like 325 degrees in NC today, so heat makes me want to stay indoors, watch Mad Men reruns, and eat everything in sight) When I was driving back from the Y, I passed Chipotle. Firehouse Subs. McDonalds. Wendy's. Taco Bell. Some new wings restaurant. I even went to Trader Joe's on an empty stomach.

That was my first mistake.

But the reason why all of today was cool, is that the old Liz would have made a b-line to any of the above drive-thrus and gotten my heart's desire. Even though I just ran 4 1/2 miles today, the crazy part of me would say "you deserve to eat whatever you want now!" Really? Do I really deserve that? Do I deserve to work my ass off and then eat my ass right back on?

Pardon the language, but honestly...is this not crazy to you?

Yet we all live this way. Maybe we eat great in public, ordering the half portions at Panera and only drinking water throughout the day, no sweets in the break room and always avoiding birthday cake. But maybe we then go to Harris Teeter and hit up the bakery like they are going out of business. We then go home, lock the door, close the blinds, screen the phone calls and watch Mad Men reruns.

I say this like I have done this before. Well, duh.

Here's the thing - the new Liz knows better. And I can't stress enough how much of a process this whole year has been. I maybe appeared healthy to the outside world, but secret eating was my JAM. I was the best at it. It made me so happy and then, 30 minutes later, it made me so sad. I would work out with my trainer and kill it in the gym, and then I would work out with McDonald's and kill it in front of the tv. Alone, alone alone.

Get the picture?

Let's cut it out with the secret stuff. Who is holding you accountable? Who is your support system? If you are trying to make ANY kind of change, believe me when I say that it won't last until you have someone that you trust walking through it with you.

And here is a little picture of accountability for all of you faceless friends that read my blog. A year ago, if you showed me this picture, I would say "it's a shame all those vegetables are going to go bad because who would ever eat BEETS?"

(Beets are a crazy superfood but are also crazy gross...but I put them in the Vitamix and I can't even taste them so that's what's up.)

If you don't have anyone holding you accountable, find one. Find ten. Find whatever it takes to help you when you don't think you need help. (For a stoonad like me, it takes a village.)

-Liz

What a difference 72 pounds makes.

This week, I am at Blue Ridge Leaders' School with 20 of my Y kids, and 800 others from all over the southeast. This is my third trip to Blue Ridge, and let me give you some fun facts about what happens during a week here.


Here I am at Blue Ridge last summer with one of
my all-star kids, Ashley.

 A lot of walking. In the mountains. Stairs, trails, hills, valleys, and everything in between. Also, a lot of fitness classes. Everything from yoga to triathloning to ballroom dancing to soccer.

Imagine being the fat kid at fitness camp. That was me for the past two years - bringing kids up to this leadership and fitness school when there was no WAY I could do any of it. I could barely even walk up the mountain to the morning devotion site.

Every morning, we walk up a big hill. Seriously, it's big. Without fail, every morning, one of the kids from the flatlands of Florida will yell something out like "GIVE THE FLORIDA KIDS A BREAK!" It's a steep walk. Last year, I would walk all the way up, praying for a chance to pause in between so I could catch my breath, and be so winded on the way that I couldn't have a conversation. I would make it there, barely, and I would be sweating buckets in 75 degree mountain air.

And every day, there are classes. Workout classes. I would hide out as much as possible and avoid all of these classes because, after all, I can't do this. I realize how crude it sounds, and I am not making fun of myself at all, but making the point that I - for all practical purposes - was the biggest person here. And it was embarrassing. How could I ask my kids to do things that I couldn't do myself? What kind of a leader was that?



A picture I took with Blair yesterday.



What a difference a year makes.

This year, I walk up to the devotion site every morning and I can carry on a conversation all the way up. In fact, I am noticing other people around me that are more winded than I am. I can get down on the floor next to my kids and do sit-ups right beside them. I can hold a plank for a minute. I can do a perfect crunch. I am even walking all the way down the mountain every day and doing my own workout in my free time just because I can.

If it sounds like I am bragging, I am. I am so proud. I am so thankful that God has given me a second chance at this life. One of the instructors said this to me the other day: "One day, your body will not be able to do this. Today is not that day." I am so inspired by that, and when I am in the middle of a hundred squats, I think about that and thank God for the body I have. The strength, the movement, the miracle of God's creation.


I know a lot of people read this blog that don't know me. And maybe you are facing something that feels impossible to conquer. To be completely honest with you, I NEVER thought I would be the person to love exercise, find fitness important, and admit that I needed a change in my life. It is my hope that by making this private struggle so public that you might have the courage to face your fears, too.

Once we stop running, stare those fears in the face, and invite someone into it with us, it turns out that those fears aren't so powerful after all.

-Liz

I have something to tell you, but I don't want to end up in your blog.

A few weeks ago I was having a rough day. One of those down in the dumps, walking the valleys, tired of choosing to be healthy days. A day that might seem to only be fixed by Ben and Jerry.

My friend Whitney came into the Y and said "I have something to tell you, but I don't want to end up in your blog."

Oh, Whitney...you know I can't promise you that.

She said she had a dream that she was in an auditorium. The seats were packed. The woman speaking on stage was someone she didn't recognize, but when she began speaking, she realized that the woman had my voice. That woman was me, but she was so...thin.

Whitney said that the woman turned sideways and she was so thin, that she - that I - was unrecognizable as the old me. Whitney figured out that the people in the auditorium were my blog readers. That all those people had come to see me talk about my weight loss journey.

So how could I quit now? Ben and Jerry can't compare to the far reaching arms that I have been able to have in sharing my struggles. I've gotten so many emails lately at JUST the right time. I've gotten words of encouragement right when I needed them most, when I was one step away from eating too much, or believing lies, or losing interest in working out. Right then, God chooses to drop me a life line so I don't drown.

If today is one of those days that you feel like drowning and you think that  those Cafe Carolina blue cupcakes are the only thing that will heal the pain, please think again. Those cupcakes are actually the things weighing us down.

Yes. Pun intended.

-Liz

Can you see Jesus in the clouds?

My friend Dee and I have a saying - "kingdom clouds." Kingdom clouds are the white, fluffy clouds that you see in beautiful blue skies. Clouds that look so fluffy, you can only imagine the kingdom of God inside of them. Thick, white clouds that belong to God and just might have God right inside of them.

When we see kingdom clouds, it is the reminder of God on this earth, making something beautiful just for us.

On Sunday morning, I went for a run. I have one of those Nike GPS apps on my iPhone that will tell me pace every 5 minutes. Sometimes I love that lady's voice when she interrupts my playlist to tell me how fast I am going. Sometimes, I hate that lady's voice when she interrupts my playlist to tell me how SLOW I am going. On Sunday, I hated her voice.

But my run was great, and I was on the way back running down Two Creeks Road. I was running down the right side of the street, and another lady was running down the left side of the street. We were both going the same direction, so I saw her out of the corner of my eye as she passed me across the street. When I saw her I thought "ugh, come on...this lady is going so much faster than me. I am so slow."

My internal dialogue continued: "this is so frustrating! Why can't I be as fast as her?" I beat myself like this for a few more moments and then, a shift happened. "What am I doing? Quit being so hard on yourself and realize that you have just run 3 1/2 miles and you feel great! Your legs are strong, your heart is pumping, and your mind is getting sharper and sharper. You are doing awesome, stop beating yourself up!"

I am not kidding you...as soon as I realized that thought and decided to stop beating myself up, this woman, across the street and ahead of me, turned around mid-stride and gave me a thumbs up.

Did she know what I was thinking at that exact moment? No. But God did. Did she know I needed some encouragement? Maybe. But God definitely did. I saw Jesus in that lady jogger just like I see Him in those kingdom clouds. You see the same joggers and the same clouds that I do...but do you see Jesus in them like I do?

Do you see Jesus in the people and places around you? Do you know how badly God is trying to get your attention? This is a beautiful life, and when I stop beating myself up and look for Jesus, I get it. I really, really get it.

But, we have to stop beating ourselves up first.

-Liz

What are the three greatest words in the English language?

Notice she says "we"...not "I".

Last week I bit the bullet and posted some pictures of my weight loss progress. In previous posts that I felt like, man, this is good, and I hope people respond...I would get 200 or 300 hits over the course of a month and I thought that was huge.

If that was huge, the feedback to this last post is...monstrous.

I have been checking it every day, and almost 4,000 people have looked at it - since Tuesday. I don't think numbers are a sheer gauge of success. What I do think, however, is that there are conversations starting amongst people that I don't know. Thoughts are spinning. Minds are wondering. Can I do this? Why can't I get a handle on this in my own life? Why haven't I given this part of my life up to God yet? Why am I trying to do this alone?

People have responded to me. People from my past. Old Young Life girls that I used to lead when they were in high school, old friends that I went to high school with, people that knew me so well at one point in my life but now we have drifted apart, and people that I barely know but see in my daily life here in North Carolina.

Is it weird that I am this honest and strangers know my deepest struggles on this blog? Yeah, it's weird. But at this point in my life, it is weirder to NOT be honest about something we ALL struggle with. And to be allowed to start the conversation and encourage others to do the same.

I heard once that the three greatest words in the English language are "Yeah, me too." If you are reading my blog, and you realize you aren't alone in your struggle, then we are ALL succeeding. We can't do life alone. We weren't created to, and it doesn't work when we try to.

Wondering if you can do it? If you can make a change and realize you are WORTH MORE? Yeah, me too.

-Liz

When you trip down memory lane

Last night I went to dinner with two of my favorite Young Life girls from Leesville High School. They are now women. Married, kids, and welcoming their 30s. It was one of those moments in time that just takes you back. And it really, REALLY took me back.

One of them said "I want to ask you a question, but before I do, I want to apologize if it's over the line." That statement already had me excited about what was next. She said "Do you wonder why your friends didn't encourage you to lose weight sooner?"

Hmm. I am still pondering this. When I started this weight loss journey, it wasn't my friends that encouraged me to do it. It wasn't a big moment in time where I knew something had to change, nothing percipatated it, nothing hit me as a rock bottom. For all intents and purposes, it was just - time to change.

Do I wonder why my friends didn't encourage me to lose weight sooner? Yes. I think about that quite a bit actually. Is there something about me that makes me unapproachable? Am I too tough? Am I too proud? Am I independent to a fault?

And this was the point in the dinner that I tripped down memory lane. I fell into that place of "I couldn't let anyone in, and I couldn't be told what to do. I still can't." And trust me, I struggle with this every day. This blog itself is a coping mechanism for me to let people in. To let down my guard and take in the good and the bad.

What will happen to all of us if we just...let people into the pain? If we weren't afraid of being ourselves to people, how would that change the world? And maybe more importantly, who is it in your life that needs to know that you struggle so that they can feel the freedom to struggle right there with you?

-Liz

The kissy-face reality



Ok, so this post is not weight related. SHOCKER! But it is, however, heart-related. And to me, all of those things are the same.

This morning before church, I checked out Facebook. (Come on, those are your priorities, too.) As much as I wish I didn't stalk people on Facebook, I do. It never makes me feel better, but it's this awkward thing you can't help but watch.

It seems like today, more than usual, there was an abundance of girls in the following types of pictures:

1. Skinny arm, leg pop
2. Tight black dresses that leave nothing to the imagination
3. Next to bottles of alcohol or shot glasses
4. Kissy face/duck face/peace sign/bathroom mirror



For more examples, visit antiduckface.com
(watch out for inappropriate language)



I won't go on, because I will clearly become a judgmental jerk. I made this my facebook status this morning and quickly removed it:

"I wish that every single girl I know would realize their worth and that they were created in the image of God."

I still want this to happen, more than anything. But I didn't want that to be my fb status. Does it cast judgment and will someone take it the wrong way? Probably. But I have to be honest to all of my lady friends...can we PLEASE stop taking the same picture 10,000 ways? Can we go back to the days where we made ridiculous faces and didn't care about our double chin or our saggy underarm or the angle of our photo? Can we dress comfortably and protect our guy friends by not showing our boobs to the world? Can we wear baggy t-shirts and not cut them up to show our shoulders or our stomachs?

Imagine what a GREAT world that would be. (If you're as old as me, you remember that high school was JUST LIKE THAT and it was GLORIOUS. I miss the 90s.)

Girls, I have to tell you...what we are putting out on Facebook and Twitter these days, it's not cute. It's not portraying us as who we really are: beautiful, perfect daughters of God Himself, created in His image to show His creativity and beauty to the world. You are not an object, you are not a thing, you should not be drawing lines on your bodies telling guys that they can have this or that. You are better than that.

We are BETTER than that! If Facebook is supposed to represent who we really are, than we have some serious renovations to do. Who's with me?

-Liz

When friends just don't understand

Just got back from our weeklong missions trip to Jamaica, that's why I have been silent. But trust me, my mind has been racing with thoughts of God, life, process, weight, forgiveness, friendship, accountability, expectations, perfection, and reality.

Are you as exhausted as I am reading that list?

Today, I weighed in with my trainer and, to date, I have lost 61 pounds! DANG! I am so excited, especially since I ate everything in sight while we were in Jamaica. But it certainly got me thinking about food and my social life. I thought I would share some well-intentioned words I've had from friends recently:

1. Have this brownie, you have been working so hard! You deserve it!
2. Don't let this weight thing affect your social life.
3. I think you're taking yourself too seriously.
4. You're going to be so pretty!
5. Hey trust me, I'm trying to lose a few pounds myself, but I don't let it affect my time with friends.
6. Just substitute chips with some delicious carrots! They have the same crunch and satisfy your desire to snack! (this one is my favorite...)

Let me repeat, these are words from my well-intentioned friends. Friends that love me and want to encourage me. They are not trying to beat me up, tear me down, stop my progress, or hurt my feelings.

It is, however, a reminder, that my naturally thin friends just don't understand. And I cannot fault them for that. How could a sober person understand an addict? How can I make them see that food can be an addiction just like anything else? So...I smile, and thank them, and go on my merry way, but inside, it does feel lonely. It feels unfair, it feels isolating.

But today I am living in this 61 pound victory. Today I am celebrating being able to fly on an airplane with the armrest down and the seatbelt having extra room. That is a victory that some of you can relate to, but some cannot. To be comfortable in a world that has always felt too small for me is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. I can't wait to see what's next.

-Liz

"You're such an inspiration!"

So, I was sitting at my desk today, frustrated with my progress. I haven't been losing 3 pounds a week like I would hope to. I have been craving foods that are bad for me. I have hit a wall with my workouts.

I am just...bored. And in this desert where no one really understands what I am going through.

Anyone that knows me knows that I am my worst critic. There is no one that I am more critical about than myself. I compete with myself, I push myself too hard, and the biggest one is that I don't give myself a break. Naturally, I haven't been giving my body a break. The weeks of processed Luna Bars have been catching up to me and progress has slowed down.

So, I am changing something. But not the something you might think I would be changing. I am changing what the word "progress" means.

Are you slowing down? Losing interest? The honeymoon is over and the work is ahead? Here is progress: me sitting at my desk, being so hard on myself that I have become an emotional wreck, and a high schooler walking in and telling me she has lost 4 pounds because I have been such an inspiration to her.

Here is progress: someone asking me to speak at her Made To Crave bible study as a testimonial to how God can redeem the brokenness of our food addiction.

Here is progress: I have had one of the worst weeks I have had in a LONG time and I did not turn to food. (You should read that one again, because this is a bigger deal than you think it is.)

If you are as hard on yourself as I am on myself, and if you are hitting an emotional wall like I am, may I suggest changing your definition of the word "progress"? Our biggest victories might not be on the scale. They might just be the ones in our hearts, the ones that have beaten us up our whole lives.

We all need to make a collective promise to ourselves that we will stop the bombing when it comes to our own hearts. Give yourself a break, take a step back, and realize that you might be the most important person that you need to encourage today. Offer that to yourself, and watch how quickly you make progress!

-Liz

What are we hiding from?

I was just on myfitnesspal.com. It's a great website that tracks calories and exercises for you, and has lists of foods in and out of restaurants, etc. I have the app on my iphone and it has REALLY been a help.

ANWAYS...I was reading someone's blog post where they posted before and after pictures, in the mirror, of 33 pounds before and 33 pounds after. I was reading through all of the replies, the congratulations, etc. and there was one that REALLY got me. One woman replied to the photos by saying:

"Wow, I wish I had taken more before photos, but I was always trying to stay out of the picture."

Painful. Profound. Honest. It has me thinking the same thing. I never took before photos. I am still not taking photos. Why? I'm not scared to jump in a group photo. But I am scared of taking photos of my work in progress. Am I still trying to stay out of the picture?

Just a question of...what are we hiding from? Is it a person? Is it ourselves? Is it our potential? What are we afraid of?

I don't know the answers. I do know that, for me, sometimes it is painful to acknowledge change and be the center of attention. It's hard to take a compliment, and it's scary to find myself in a new reality. But it's the good kind of scary. Like a leap of faith. Like trusting someone. Like accepting love. Like accepting that someone loves me unconditionally.

I am losing weight because I am loved, not because I want to be loved. See the difference? After 35 years, I do.

-Liz

It's not about the pizza. It's about what the pizza represents.

Last night I was on the phone with my friend, having yet another conversation where I am trying not to cry, trying to get over it, trying to be ok with this new lifestyle of mine. I had just gotten back from a 4 day work event, and while I was gone, I kept thinking "I can't wait to go home, sit on my blue couch, and eat a whole pizza."

I told my friend about this, and her response was "yeah, but once you eat that pizza, that ten minutes of enjoyment turns into a regret of over 1,000 calories."

Her response was absolutely correct, but really bothered me. It bothered me because, I am asking my naturally thin friend to understand this important point: It's not about the pizza. It's about what the pizza represents.

Why, in my excitement of relaxing, do I always attach FOOD to that great experience of relaxation and relief? Why can't my thoughts be "I can't wait to go home, sit on my blue couch, and watch tv, or read a book, or talk with my friends, or whatever, fill in the blank." Why does MY blank always end up being - food?

Our naturally thin friends want to help us. They love us. They care about us in every possible way. But the truth is, they might never struggle with food the way we do. Their relaxation dream might not include food. Mine always will. I think my mind will always wander there, always wish I could do that, always wonder what it would be like.

So if it's not about the pizza, what is it about? This might help you (if you don't struggle with food) to understand your friend that does. It is about reverting to a lifestyle of doing what I want, being alone with one of the only friends I let close to me (food), and being able to control my life. You see, when I overeat, when I use food as a comfort, it is historically at home, in private, by myself. It is shameful, it is fearful, it is perpetual, it is an addiction.

I'll be honest...in the old days, it was not uncommon
for me to power through a whole pizza from
Salvio's. And I mean...power through. Past the point
of being full. Just to do it, so I could get rid of it.

Yes, eating too much pizza is a problem and I will regret the calories. But it is a symptom of a MUCH bigger problem: I look to food for comfort. For rest. For relaxation. For validation. For companionship. So as much as I might want to, I could never do that to myself again. Not because of the calories, but because of the lonely place that it takes me. In my heart, I never want to go back to that dark place again.

When I make a food mistake, and I will, I have to move on. I have to forgive myself and let go. But I have made a decision to not use food as a reward anymore. I am not a dog. Food is not my reward.

-Liz