Shed the pounds, shed the tears.

This is the bench on White Street in
downtown Wake Forest that has hosted
many life changing conversations for me.
Today was no different. And Georgie was
there to supervise, as usual!

I ventured out of the house this morning to sit with a friend in downtown Wake Forest. It was a game changer, for a lot of reasons.

I think having weight loss surgery has opened me up to a lot more self-reflection than I was anticipating. And as I am watching the scale go down, I am feeling things welling up within me.

Shed the pounds, shed the tears.

My friend this morning challenged me to put myself out there more. And I will. What I might need to explain is that, I have used my weight as a physical barrier from the world. So as that barrier is bound to come down completely in the next few months, I anticipate being exposed to the world more than ever. I also anticipate being open to the world more than ever.

And that's the goal.

We all have our vices, and some of us have our addictions. My addiction isn't drugs or alcohol, but food. And I have the unlucky benefit of wearing my addiction for the world to see. Sometimes I wish I had a more secret issue that is hidden away from the world. But the weight issue, for me, has been a banner I have carried, and will carry in order to help other people if I can.

So for those of us hiding ourselves from the world...let's stop. Because I know for sure that the world needs the parts of ourselves we are most afraid to show. The vulnerable, scared side. It took a conversation on a bench on White Street this morning for me to realize that. And, it takes the love of a friend to recognize and encourage that in us.

"If you weren't afraid of being yourself to people, how would that change the world?"

XO

Nobody blogs from the valley

A few years ago, I lost 80 pounds. Rather publicly because I shared the journey and had a ton of accountability and it was amazing. A time worth blogging about.

Since then, sidelined by two back surgeries and a general loss of willpower and interest, I have gained back most of the wait. Rather quietly because I didn't share that journey and it was terrible. A time that no one blogs about because nobody blogs from the valley.

But guys great news! I have stopped the slide into complacency and I made a choice exactly seven days ago to focus on my health again. Walking out of the valley isn't going to be easy but I am no longer willing to stay there.

What happened seven days ago that clicked? Several things collided but one thing in particular is worth sharing. My friend reminded me of a show called "My 600lb Life." If you haven't seen it, it's on TLC and it shares a year in the life of someone who is trying to get their life back with weight loss surgery.

This show is extreme. People who let themselves reach that weight have lived extreme circumstances and cope with food in extreme ways. But I saw myself in those weight loss surgery patients. None of them ever thought they would weigh 600 pounds. They never stopped the slide into complacency.

The other great thing about the show is that it dives deep into the emotional and psychological reasons that we use food as a coping mechanism. Food has always been my drug of choice and I saw myself in all the conversations patients were having on this show.

Sharing the struggle is part of what will make me successful. The struggle is also the reason most of us stay quiet. I have really debated whether or not to start blogging again. There certainly is some embarrassment that I am not where I was. But if you know me, you know that I LOVE to embarrass my friends in public so it's time to let that embarrassment go and choose to be honest.

And if I can be ok with public embarrassment, maybe my friends will follow?

Dear Diary. Daily.

Every day. Every single day.

Yesterday was round 2 of steroid injections. And I was all "Hey, this will be no big deal! Last time it was actually kind of fun!"

I am so naive.

This time, Dr. Bhat got me. And he got me good. Was he mad at me? Bad morning at the golf course? Obamacare got him down? Whatever it was, he took it out on me, and my bare butt (yeah he's seen my beautiful booty twice now and has yet to buy me a meal) on that x-ray table.

Someone asked me what it felt like. You know that sensation when you might accidentally chew tin foil and it hits a filling? (note: who "accidentally chews tin foil'? Me. But it happened more when I was a kid. So I am not sure what my parents were feeding me?

Or what about the feeling when you get a paper cut? But not an ordinary paper cut. This paper cut is from the lip of a manilla envelope and it's in the webbing of your hand or something.

Or if your knee cap momentarily slips out of its home and you were like "what the heck just happened to my body?"

So yeah, add those three things together and multiply them by 5 or so...it's a math problem. A painful one.

But I also said to the doctor and nurse "This hurts WAY more than last time! So that means it's going to work!" I didn't get the resounding high fives I was looking for. I think they were just appeasing me. But I am excited nonetheless.

I am up this morning, and I feel less numbness in my leg. Great sign. I can put more weight on my left leg. Great sign. I have more hope than ever. Great sign.

I do feel like God has said to me "Why has it taken this debilitating injury to get some time with you?" He's right. So I have been practicing that art of surrender and purposefully writing in my journal every morning, THANKING Him for this. Not for causing this (because He didn't...deadlifts did) but for using the pain for good. Beauty out of brokenness. And at the end of each entry I tell him that I love him and I ask for one thing: "God, please heal my body."

Because I know God can. And God will. Stay tuned...

-Liz

Do you know that this is the fight of your life?

I have watched the scale go down this week. Then up. Conversely, I have watched my emotions go up, then down. More than that, I am slowly seeing the reality of the fight that I am in.

And today I am wondering if maybe some of us don't realize the fight that we're in?

When I started all this, it was about losing weight, but I had a feeling that it was about a lot more than that. So just like peeling back an onion, I didn't realize all the layers, all the depth, and all the tears that would come.

Today I feel like everyone around me is feeling this way. That this is MUCH bigger than we all thought it was. I actually just got done working out with my friend Lauren. Neither of us wanted to work out. Both of us were yawning on the treadmills. 2 pm workouts are not smart, but today it was our only option. We were bored. We powered through. And then we talked about the situations we are both in. We lost weight. We gained some back. We overate. We are trying to get back on track. We struggle, we struggle, we struggle.

For what?

Do you know how I know that this is the fight of my life? Because food has had control of me for WAY too long. My weight has held me back from LIFE. And if weight isn't your issue, maybe something else is. Maybe something else is trying to fill the place in your heart that only God can fill. What is it? The way you can figure it out is to ask yourself one important question: "What do you run to when you need comfort?"

All week, I have had friends say things to me like this:

• I wish this was over.
• I don't feel good about myself, so I don't want to go.
• I had a family crisis, and I immediately ran to food.
• I found myself eating ice cream in bed at 10 pm last night, because of stress.
• I have been eating crap all week, and I feel like crap.

This is the fight of your LIFE. Make no mistake. And don't play it off like it's not a big deal. Don't go out to girls night and eat what they eat because you are "celebrating." Don't buy ice cream at the grocery store and bring it home because it's "not a big deal." Don't skip your workouts this week because you just "need a break."

You know what we need a break from? Living in bodies that we feel uncomfortable in. Beating ourselves up. Letting our weight consume our emotions. Working SO HARD to lose weight, only to let ourselves gain it all back and feel even worse.

THIS, my friends, is what we need a break from. So whatever your next step is, watch where you put your feet. And make sure they aren't in the frozen foods section.

-Liz

Cross your legs.

Trust me when I say, there are a thousand things going on in my head. I need to write a blog about how I am ACTUALLY losing weight, practical ways to do it. I need to write a blog about the self-discipline changes in my life, I need to write a blog about community and change and distance and fear but the topic that will win today is:

Crossing my legs.

It's crazy how I can't see the difference in my body like other people again. It just proves how skewed our view of ourselves is. I have lost 76 pounds since September. But there are days where I still feel that I look the same. The coolest indicator for me lately, however...is being able to cross my legs.

When I was in middle school I was in church choir. I remember that we had a special performance one year and all the girls were to sit at the front of the stage and our choir director instructed us to wear black skirts, and to sit with our knees together, or to cross one leg over the other so we all looked the same. Performance day came and I crossed my legs like the other girls and after the first set of songs, my mom discretely told me "don't cross your legs anymore, because the congregation can see a little too much."

Embarrassing at the time, but a reality now that my legs, since middle school, haven't been crossable since. And it's really only been in the last few months that the comfortable way for me to sit has been to cross my legs. You probably take that for granted. You also might take for granted the fact that you can sit in any chair with arms without wondering if you can fit in that chair. There is an average-sized world of people that has no anxiety over chairs, booths, seats, rides, and everything in between.

I look at my legs now, and I can't believe how awesome they look. I can't believe I can sit in a chair with arms and see extra room in the seat. Honestly. I don't think I'll ever get over how crazy that is. But I feel like such a bad ass when I cross my legs. I try to do it every chance I get.

I have a lot of years to make up for, after all.

-Liz

...the agony of defeat.

Over the 4th of July week, I went to Mexico to an all-inclusive resort. For some people, moderation relates to the unlimited alcohol you can get there. For me, moderation related to the unlimited food that I got there.

I haven't truly recovered since.

Getting back on track is so hard. SO hard. It's hard for me to come to terms with the scale. It hasn't dipped down to where it used to be. I am tired, I don't want to do the 60 minutes of cardio that I need to do. I don't want to eat well. I want to do...whatever I want.

Pride.

Since the rollercoaster ride was over, I tasted victory that made me feel like I was done with all this. I have gotten too comfortable in this new size so I am not going after losing weight like I need to. I have lost the sense of urgency, forgotten that this is the fight of my life, and ignored it.

Mistake.

Yesterday I pulled myself upstairs to work out. I got on the elliptical and decided to listen to sermons instead of music. I thought of Elevation Church in Charlotte because my friend Cameron goes there. I ended up listening to two random sermons by Steven Furtick.

The first one was about facing your fears (you can find it here). In the middle of it, the pastor said, and I quote (from memory, so it's truly paraphrased):

"Maybe you eat because you're happy, or you're sad. You're celebrating, or your mourning, you're lonely, or you're in community. Overeating is never about a lack of discipline, it's about the presence of fear. Fear is preventing you from living out the life that God has intended for you."

Why was this 30-something, thin pastor guy talking about overeating? Needless to say, I was on the elliptical CRYING. Sweating and crying. I figured it was ok since tears look like my sweat drops anyway. Whatever.

Then the 2nd sermon (you can find it here, try to ignore the cool guy soul patch vibe)...was based on only one verse: 1st Samuel 16:1 which says:

The Lord said to Samuel, “How long will you mourn for Saul, since I have rejected him as king over Israel? 

So the gist of his sermon is this: How long will you continue to mourn for what God has rejected?

How long will I continue to mourn for what God has rejected? For some of us, it's a bad relationship. For some of us, it's an addiction to anything - a person, a thing, a place, a time of life, a job, you name it.

For me, it's my reliance on food. And Furtick CALLS THAT ONE OUT specifically in his sermon! God spoke to me directly through my stupid iPhone podcast on the stupid elliptical. How long will I continue to mourn for Bojangles, for Ben and Jerry, for Krispy Kreme, for feeling painfully full and using food as my comfort? God has clearly rejected this in my life, I have just chosen to ignore Him.

So I went home and I erased my white board with my "# of pounds to next goal" written on it. I need to reset. I need to start over. I need to live today in victory, and that means letting go of the weight I gained back. I am trying to.

Maybe this is Phase 2. Or maybe it's Phase 32. I don't know. I just know that I have to roll with the punches and not give up. I have to move on, realize the seriousness of the battle, and let go of the past.

How long will YOU continue to mourn over something that God has rejected?

-Liz

The thrill of victory immediately followed by...

The past 48 hours have been...a lot.
On Tuesday, I rode my first rollercoaster since I was 12. Why did I wait so long? Because since I was 12, I was just too big to fit.

Too big to fit. Feels like the story of my life.

But not anymore.

The pictures attached to this post are hilarious. And strange. I would love to say that I rode the Intimidator at Carowinds with the city of Charlotte in the distance, beneath me, feeling the thrill of victory.



I'm so excited! This is gonna be...easy?

 The truth is, I was scared to death. But we arrived at the park, and it was the first ride we did. Go big or go home, right? If you want to know how big the Intimidator is exactly, check this out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTl7Vdy9j0Q

I wish I could explain how crazy this was for me. And the ride itself wasn't the victory. The victory came when I sat next to my friend Lauren, and my legs fit into the molded plastic seat. My butt fit. The lap band fit easily. So then I started to cry. This has been an unattainable goal for me for the past 20+ years. Not anymore.



Thumbs up (stay calm...), thumbs up (stay calm...)

 So we started going up on the Intimidator. We are drying our eyes (good friends cry with you), and it was a good thing because common sense didn't have time to kick in. We are climbing FOREVER on this thing and close to the top I was wondering how could I get off this thing (remembering, oh yeah, I am scared of heights).

All I remember is my friend clawing my arm and me yelling at her "DON'T EVER LET GO!" I also remember completely coming out of my seat at two points in the ride because the drops were so huge. That's why, in the $10 Carowinds photo I bought (I would've paid a lot more to capture this moment, trust me), I look lost, confused, and maybe a little angry.

When it was over, all of my co-workers were clapping for me. They were genuinely excited to share this moment. As soon as the thrill was over, the nausea set in. So we went to get in line for the next ride, "Nighthawk." We waited about an hour, in which time I popped a Dramamine and tried my best to not sweat so much. This thing is like a superman ride where it lays you down flat and spins you like a corkscrew. Think harnesses and dentists chairs coupled with loops and spins.

Interested?

Apparently, it earned its name for a reason.

So we get to the platform at the front of the line, and I hear something splatter about 20 feet from me. Yes, someone threw up. Needless to say, this shook my confidence before getting on this thing. It was our turn, and I still hadn't recovered from the INTIMIDATOR (all caps means it's for real). So I go to sit in the seat, and I feel the big shoulder straps, and I immediately get right back up, start to shake my finger at it and say "Nope, nope, no..." and head for the exit. Before my friend could say "What's happening?" I was walking down the stairs and heading for the exit.

If anyone asks, this IS the face of victory. Or nausea.

The rest of the day, we rode the wooden roller coasters. These were MUCH more my speed. No upside down, no death drops, just scary enough. The big victory about this day though, is that I now have the CHOICE to ride rollercoasters if I want to. I don't have to make up excuses anymore of why I don't want to. I can if I want to! And if I just happen to get motion sickness from them or they are too much for me, so be it. But I can say yes or no.

THIS my friends, is victory.

And spoiler alert for tomorrow or whenever I can get to it...today I have had to make a reset in my weight journey. For a lot of reasons. I have gained 6 pounds back in the last month, I have lost focus on Jesus, and I have lost the confidence in myself to keep going. I just want to get into it in a separate post because this is already feeling long.

(enter cliffhanger soap opera music here)

-Liz

My first spring break

Tomorrow I am going to a resort outside of Cancun, Mexico. It is a trip that I have been planning with three of my friends since March. This place is an all-inclusive resort with beaches, pools, spas, shows, restaurants, and all the other stuff.

This is my first spring break.

I have never gone on spring break like most typical people do. Not in high school, not in college. I have taken spring breaks, sure...but I have never done the beach thing. You know why. That would mean...bathing suits. Showing skin. Being self-conscious of my body, knowing I was the biggest one on the beach, jealous of "normal" people, and embarrassed to be the only person swimming with shorts on top of my bathing suit.

There are so many reasons I am excited for this trip tomorrow. I am excited to sit in the airplane seats. I will be able to put the armrests down and wear the seat belt comfortably! Some of you know how much of a victory this is. I will be able to fit in any beach chair, any lounge chair, wear a bathing suit and not be embarrassed.

I have a long way to go with my weight loss. But this trip is a celebration for me that I have come a long way. I need to celebrate this and not forget what God has done. I have never in my life taken a long beach trip with three girls. I have protected myself from this because it was just too embarrassing.

Not anymore, friends. Not anymore.

(side note: if you are the praying type and could remember to pray for me while we're gone, I need it. All-inclusive means...EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT. For me, it's like letting an alcoholic be in charge of a bar for 5 days. I need the prayer.)

-Liz

One mile turns into ten

This was on my door this morning.

Last night I was hanging out with my friends and I had an idea. Before I could think it through, I said it out loud.

"I think I'm going to run 10 miles tomorrow."

I heard myself saying this and I thought "who am I?"

I can't explain this enough: I NEVER thought I would be this person. Actually, I never thought that I COULD be this person. Someone that can run ten miles. Someone that can have self-discipline like this. Someone that other people could ask about how to lose weight and be an encouragement to them.

I was the big girl. I was the secretive eater. I was the lazy friend. I was the one that would make other people feel better about how much they ate because I always ate more.

Now, I am embracing the fact that I am someone people can be encouraged by, because I have been able to do something I never thought possible. God has rescued and redeemed me, saved and sustained me, healed and helped me.

So today I hit the Tobacco Trail with my friend Cameron to hold me accountable. I told the Facebook world that I was going to do it so I had to report back. Five miles in I got the mother of all blisters on the inside of my arch. Seven miles in I had rocks in my shoes. Eight miles in I hit the most annoying steady incline that lasted forever. Nine miles in, I shook my head the rest of the way because I couldn't believe what my Nike GPS was telling me.

May the force be with you.

Last year at this time I was marveling at the fact that I could run a mile without stopping. Can I remind you that you are new? That you can conquer that thing that has been a struggle for you your whole life? That you will find people coming around you to support you through your darkest hours?

But here's what's awesome. Your smallest steps will be celebrated by your biggest fans. And if you fail, you can always try again tomorrow. So celebrate your victories, but also celebrate your shortcomings. And keep trying. Before you know it, one mile will turn into ten.

-Liz

"I just bought the cutest outfit at Old Navy!"

You would hear this all day every day from most people in the world. You would NEVER hear this come out of my mouth. Until now.

Today, I shopped. Today, I tried things on. Today, I had a variety of things I COULD try on. I could put things back, I could pass over things, I could check prices, I could shop a size....smaller. Things were too big. And I found a cute outfit, and I bought it.

What the heck is happening to me?

I can't believe this journey sometimes. It is all together heartbreaking, glorious, unbelievable, painful, joyful, and most of all - life altering. Every day is something new. And today, for some reason that only God will be able to reveal to me eventually, today I had conversation after conversation about "how I did this."

People want to know how I did it. What's the trick? What's the secret? The tricky secret is that I get to talk about Jesus. I get to tell people that I wasn't ready to change until I knew I was worth changing. That I was made for more. That Jesus loved me more than anyone, and that He loved me too much to leave me the way I was...unwilling to change.

Is this the hardest thing I have ever done? Yes. Is this the most painful thing I've ever gone through? Yes. But is this the greatest story of God's redemptive hand on my life so far? Oh, hell yes. (that's right, I cursed. Get off me.)

Oh by the way, I took off my "pounds lost" tracker from here. Not because it's not important, but because I was making that number too important and giving it too much power.

But hey, there's something in ALL of our lives that has too much power over us, isn't there? Cut it loose.

-Liz

Is it a good thing or a God thing?

I have had quite an introspective few days. God has been teaching me a lot about the following emotions:

• jealousy
• isolation
• fear of failure
• perserverence
• anxiety/worry

I woke up this morning and I had that old feeling of sadness that used to get me all the time. I have connected that feeling of morning sadness, for the most part, to guilt for what I ate the day before, a hopelessness that I could never change my life. But this morning, I connected it to a hopelessness that I couldn't sustain this change in my life.

Recognizing that my mind is a battlefield has been a big revelation for me. Joyce Meyers has a book called "Battlefield of the Mind" that I am reading for the 2nd time right now. I am choosing God in these moments of desperation, when my old choices used to make me sick. Anything I choose over God will make me sick. These things become our idols and at some point, leave us emptier than when we began. They can be other people, food, alcohol, tv, work, busyness, depression, you can fill in the blank for whatever yours is. Even church can be an idol when it takes the place of Jesus Himself.

See, there are a LOT of good things I can do. Church is a good thing. Friends are a good thing. Exercise is a good thing. But none of these are God. And I can't put God in front of them. Think about your life as a pie. Not that kind of pie...a pie CHART. Do you put God into a little sliver of that pie chart? Is He 5%? Does He squeeze in somewhere between work and family? Is He 0.5% because that's all you have left?

Shouldn't God be the whole pie chart? Shouldn't He be the One in every single part of my life? He did give it to me, after all. Why is He getting my leftovers? What if I gave it to Him and let Him deal with all these emotions that wage war in my mind? The whole pie, where all those emotions like to dig into...not just leftovers.

Leftover pie...shoot. Now that's a visual I need to scare away. Thanks a lot.

-Liz

The Road Less Traveled

I had a very interesting day. Two big things happened, and I can't tell which is more newsworthy.

Ok, so this first picture is of me with some of my high school friends doing some team building activities today. The notable thing in this picture is, however...my shorts.

I have had these shorts for a while. Mostly as a joke for skits about working out and wearing too-tight clothes. See, I could never wear shorts like this. And if I did. I couldn't move at all in them for fear of splitting my shorts. Most embarrassing moment.

But now, I can. This is a crazy thing to me. I have always worn LONG shorts. Boy shorts. Because they hide my legs. Now I am finding, all this working out is paying off and my legs look...tough. They are going to get tougher, but they are already taking shape. This is a crazy thing, my friends. To hide your body your whole life and then be ok to show off, even if it's just legs...this is victory. My joke about becoming more promiscuous as I lose weight just might not be a joke anymore.

Just kidding, Mom.

The other big thing that happened today? I ran 6 miles. Down this trail. The American Tobacco Trail. It can be boring, it can be monotonous. But for me today, it was a time for reflection with me and Jesus. As I was running, I was thinking about where I came from, what I have been doing to get where I am, and the things that I think now that I NEVER thought I would think.

Could I ever not sit on the couch and snack while watching tv? Could I ever stop going to food for comfort? Could I ever enjoy exercising and not just want it to be done? Could I ever see God in the midst of all of this?

It's amazing how God has taken me on a road that I never thought I would travel. I don't know when it happened, or when my heart changed, but things are moving from my head to my heart, and this is a victory.




It's time to travel down a new road.  Let's do it together. I'm really fun on road trips. Try me.

-Liz

Sometimes, you're just...done.

I am in a funk. And I am writing about it publicly. Because privately, too many of us struggle with the lows but publicly, we only declare the highs.

I am in a low. A serious low.

Today, I want to eat everything in sight. Today, I want to get a pizza from Salvio's and feel so full and satisfied and done. Today, I want to be done. Today I'm just...done.

This blog post doesn't have a happy ending or a revelation or an insight. This blog post is just a confession to remind me that the lows are still here. I have done so much and have gone so far, but today is a struggle. Today is a reminder that I am in a battle. There is something going on my mind that isn't reality, and there is a battle for me to believe that I am worth it and I can do this.

So what am I supposed to do? I have no idea. I think about the long-term future of this healthy eating thing and it makes me more exhausted than I can explain. I can't allow myself to think about that too much because it overwhelms me to where I want to quit.

So what am I going to do? I'm going to go to sleep pretty soon and pray that tomorrow will be a better day, that God would take away this funk I am in, and that I would find my joy again. This was a crappy post for me to write, but I hope that my honesty in this valley will encourage you to be honest when you're in your valley. Maybe you're already there. If so, you're right beside me, and I am whispering in your ear "This is temporary and we are going to find a way out."

-Liz

The kissy-face reality



Ok, so this post is not weight related. SHOCKER! But it is, however, heart-related. And to me, all of those things are the same.

This morning before church, I checked out Facebook. (Come on, those are your priorities, too.) As much as I wish I didn't stalk people on Facebook, I do. It never makes me feel better, but it's this awkward thing you can't help but watch.

It seems like today, more than usual, there was an abundance of girls in the following types of pictures:

1. Skinny arm, leg pop
2. Tight black dresses that leave nothing to the imagination
3. Next to bottles of alcohol or shot glasses
4. Kissy face/duck face/peace sign/bathroom mirror



For more examples, visit antiduckface.com
(watch out for inappropriate language)



I won't go on, because I will clearly become a judgmental jerk. I made this my facebook status this morning and quickly removed it:

"I wish that every single girl I know would realize their worth and that they were created in the image of God."

I still want this to happen, more than anything. But I didn't want that to be my fb status. Does it cast judgment and will someone take it the wrong way? Probably. But I have to be honest to all of my lady friends...can we PLEASE stop taking the same picture 10,000 ways? Can we go back to the days where we made ridiculous faces and didn't care about our double chin or our saggy underarm or the angle of our photo? Can we dress comfortably and protect our guy friends by not showing our boobs to the world? Can we wear baggy t-shirts and not cut them up to show our shoulders or our stomachs?

Imagine what a GREAT world that would be. (If you're as old as me, you remember that high school was JUST LIKE THAT and it was GLORIOUS. I miss the 90s.)

Girls, I have to tell you...what we are putting out on Facebook and Twitter these days, it's not cute. It's not portraying us as who we really are: beautiful, perfect daughters of God Himself, created in His image to show His creativity and beauty to the world. You are not an object, you are not a thing, you should not be drawing lines on your bodies telling guys that they can have this or that. You are better than that.

We are BETTER than that! If Facebook is supposed to represent who we really are, than we have some serious renovations to do. Who's with me?

-Liz

Feeling left out?

Today I met a friend for lunch at a restaurant that I would consider...an old friend. This particular restaurant has a bakery, with cupcakes that are THE BOMB. In fact, I used to drop by this restaurant at night and order dinner to go, only so I could justify the purchase of a six pack of cupcakes. I would go home, watch tv, mindlessly eat the dinner, and then eat cupcakes until I was painfully full. Sometimes that was 4. Sometimes it was 6. Yes...6 cupcakes. I just did the math on the calorie count for those cupcakes. Each one is 360 calories.

So on a particularly lonely night, that would add up to 2,160 calories. Of cupcakes.

I used to feel left out a lot. In the beginning of this journey, I would look around at restaurants of people eating whatever they want. I would go to the grocery store and resist the candy aisle. I would see people at concession stands, drive-thrus, parties, and work events just eating...whatever they want. Why can't I do that too? I felt SO LEFT OUT. It's not fair that they get to eat whatever they want and I don't.

But here's what I have realized today, as I was sitting in the middle of a restaurant that was a BAD old friend to me. It's not that I can't eat what I want...it's that what I WANT TO EAT is now so much different. What I wanted to eat in my old life was a temporary sugar high to make me feel better. What I wanted to eat in my old life was something to stuff down my real feelings.

What I want to eat now, however, is something to keep me healthy and strong. What I want to eat right now is food that I won't abuse, that won't become the center of my life, and that I can enjoy without letting it be the center of my world.

I guess it's hard to admit that food was the center of my life. But if I'm honest, I have to admit that so I can move on from it. And today, at lunch with my friend, I didn't feel left out from the others around me eating whatever they wanted. I felt empowered that I was able to choose my health over my cravings.

And honestly...don't we all deserve that for ourselves?

-Liz

You can't do it alone. You'll try, but you'll fail.

Today's a big day. Today I went down a t-shirt size in my "official" Y tees.

Now, this might not be a big deal to you, but consider this: I have worn a 2XL t-shirt since high school. Yes, HIGH SCHOOL. For most of my shirts, I even had to do that trick where you stretch em out, you pull em out, you make sure they are baggy around the stomach area, all of that, so that people might not notice that you wear a 2XL. I know some of you are nodding your heads in agreement. Preach on, sister.

But right now as a I type this, I am wearing an XL. I can't believe it. And even more than the scale, this seems like a huge victory. Not only that, it's an XL that I didn't have to stretch out, pull out, and manipulate to hide my bulging stomach.

This morning I was taking a group fitness class. Kickboxing. And as we were doing the 13,000th jumping jack, I looked around and had a pretty amazing reflection time on my journey so far. If I could give anyone a piece of advice, it is this: You can't do it alone. You'll try, but you'll fail.

See, I have tried this weight loss thing for 15 years. Alone. And I even lost weight with a friend a few years ago, but when that friendship hit some very rocky ground, you can guess what I turned to. Food has been my constant companion my whole life. So, I have learned that, when I am alone, I will fail. Most of us try to do big changes alone because we are tough. We are embarrassed. We don't want people to know what's really going on. News flash - people WANT TO KNOW YOU. And chances are, you're not being as secretive as you think you are. People know you need help. And you can't do it alone.

If you're really trying to lose weight, heck, if you're really trying to make any change at all, you need to surround yourself with accountability. And here is my top ten practical list, which might give you a place to start:

1. I have a trainer who weighs me in every week. She sees my weight. YES, that was the scariest thing in the world a few months ago. Lots of tears. But LOTS of hugs, and lots of accountability.
2. I have a few work out friends. We do group fitness, or we run together, or at the very least, check in with each other every week.
3. I use myfitnesspal.com and track my calories and exercise. Free app for your phone. It's the bomb.
4. I meet with two women every week over coffee and donuts (just kidding about the donuts). We are all in the weight loss journey, and we talk about struggles and victories and the book "Made to Crave".
5. I host a Made To Crave bible study at my house on Thursday nights.
6. I keep a food journal with my best friend. She is naturally thin, but she loves me and wants to be in this with me, and it really, really helps. When you let someone know your struggle like that, it takes friendship to this level you would not believe.
7. I write this blog. Which, believe it or not, keeps me CRAZY accountable. I can't just quit and continue to share in this journey that would be an epic failure, now could I?
8. I gave away all of big clothes. No safety net.
9. I don't go thru drive-thrus. Ever. I know my limits. The danger of them asking "Is that all?" - that question is always answered with, "Well, what about another cheeseburger, sure!"
10. I commit myself to Jesus every single day. Every day. Letting go of this stronghold in my life has been quite a struggle, but God knows me better than I know myself. And He wants in. Write about it, pray about it, read about it, just be alone with God.

Maybe one of those will help you get started. Let's face it, we all need to get started on the path to something. And taking a friend with you assures you can get there.

-Liz

When being "set apart" feels like crap.

I don't know about you, but I like being a counselor to others. The sounding board for problems. The listener and shoulder to cry on. I like encouraging people, helping them in times of need, and offering hope and prayer when friends are upset and despondent.

I do NOT, however, like to be on the receiving end of all those things above. I don't like this new phase of life that God has put me in. In a word, I am - vulnerable. And as much as I have been fighting this new position, I can't help it. I am finally facing the one thing in my life that I have been pretending wasn't an issue. The elephant in the room. (No fat jokes! But...good one.)

Whenever someone comes to me and says "Living for God is just too hard. I have to give up this or that and I can't hang out with who I used to, I can't live that life and it's too hard. It's just not fair" my response has always been "We are set apart! As Christians, we are set apart and what feels like unfairness is actually God protecting us from pain!"

Yes, I fully believe that God's "rules" for life, are not actually rules to hold us down and bum us out, but protections from us getting hurt and carrying emotional scars and baggage that will forever weigh us down.

But if you're asking me to believe that too, well that just hits too close to home. And this week, it has hit so close to home that I have had to make some tough realizations. Yes, I am the toughest person I know, and yes, I have kept the world at a distance, and yes the extra weight I have carried around served its purpose to keep people away from knowing me fully.

Now that I know that, what will I do with it? I'm making a decision to not sit in this sin anymore but to find scripture to fight off the lies that I have believed my whole life. Maybe this will help you, too:

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." - Romans 12:2 

Does that hit you like it hits me? I have conformed to the patterns of this world my whole life. The world says: Don't let anyone too close. Develop armor. Find a way to always have the upper hand. Look out for yourself first.

But what does Jesus say? "Greater love has no man than this: that he would lay his life down for his friends."

If I allow God to renew my mind, I will be transformed. Then and only then will I be able to see what God's will is for my life - his good, pleasing, and perfect will.

Maybe it's time for all of us to actually believe in ourselves as much as we believe in others, and to listen to the advice we give and let God apply it to our own hearts. I don't know...maybe.

-Liz

I miss you, Christmas cookie. More than you know.

Merry Christmas! More importantly...watch out.

I have walked into a few parties recently and have seen the unavoidable dining room table spread. Chips, cookies, chips, brie cheese platter, chips, meatballs, chips, crock pots and...chips.

These are some kind of like, minty, frosting, shortbread
magic type of cookie. They are, in a word, MY JAM.

And I have walked out of a few dining room table spreads as I wonder what the heck am I going to eat at this party? Food is the great conversation stabilizer. If you don't know what to do with your hands, grab a fork and a plate and do some damage. Comment on how great the spinach dip is. Ask who brought the swedish meatballs and can you get the recipe? Comment on the fact that someone super lame brought veggies and lowfat dip.

This year, I was that super lame someone.

I'll admit, I do feel left out of social situations. I am set apart because I don't get to take part like everyone else does. I can't even walk into the room with Christmas cookies because - if I was an alcoholic, I probably couldn't order a diet coke in a bar, so why am I putting myself in danger? Don't get me wrong, one Christmas cookie won't do me in. But in my life, one Christmas cookie always brings his friends. He brings peppermint bark, peanut butter brownie, cheesecake, hershey kisses, and a host of others that I miss. More than you know.

I don't know if you are about to hit something hard over the next week, but chances are, it's a tough time of year for you. It might not be food, it might be family. Heck, it might be both, plus a few other things! I just want to encourage you that the emotions pass, the cravings subside, and the nights always turn into new days. No food is off limits, but stuffing yourself in order to fit in...is. For me, anyway.

Merry Christmas, peeps. Shoot, now I'm thinking about Easter candy. Crap.

-Liz

Update: I just left my aunt's house where we always have our annual Christmas Eve dinner. It could also be called "Reunion of the Clean Plate Club" or "You Better Eat Seconds or Thirds So We Don't Have a Ton of Leftovers". My cousin makes these BANGING cookies every year. I took a picture of them just to prove to you that they were there, they were my favorite, and I have NO IDEA WHAT THEY TASTED LIKE. Nailed it.


Confession: I did, however, eat some fried oysters and some tasty ambrosia salad. I'm no saint.