Branded!

As a 5' 10" 300+ pound woman, shopping always terrified me.

Shopping malls made me anxious. If a friend wanted to go shopping in a clothing store, I would hang out by the accessories. And not even the rings or the bracelets. The necklaces. Maybe the scarves. Or the socks. I pretended to care about shopping for...socks.

And as my friends would try on clothes and could choose any color of any item off of any rack, I just tried to avoid the awkward interaction with a sales person on the floor.

"Are you finding everything ok?"

"No, not really. In fact, nothing you have here fits me. Not even close. And I have to wait here while my naturally thin friends have to decide what to buy because they have all the choices in the world."

(actually, the only answer I could ever muster up was "Yup! Thanks!" I always wondered if they were questioning why I was even in their store in the first place, because the up and down looks I got sort of tipped me off...)

Since I started the push towards weight loss surgery in March, I started at 318 pounds. I ripped out a page from the LL Bean catalog and put it on my fridge. It was a page with regular women's clothing. Sizes S-XL. I had never been able to fit into anything smaller than the largest plus size LL Bean had -  a 3XL. That picture was my motivation that everyday choices might one day get me into everyday sizes.

On Black Friday, a few friends and I were among the crazies to go shopping at an outlet mall. I walked into J. Crew to just get some perspective of where I was with everyday sizes. It took courage for me to take an XXL shirt off of the rack and try it on in a dressing room. It took courage for me to pick out another XL shirt just to see how close I could be to fitting into an everyday size. I have shopped at Old Navy online for everything. That had been my only choice. And my mind had been trained to look for the biggest sizes everywhere i go. The bigger my clothes were, the more I could...hide. Baggy clothes made me feel small. But, baggy clothes also made me feel...small. In all the ways I didn't want.

So there I was in the J. Crew changing room and I had a moment. That XXL shirt was too big. That XL shirt fit me perfectly. And their chinos. And their sweaters. And I was no longer the largest size they carried. I fit in. And I proudly replaced that XXL button down knowing I would never need it again.

That LL Bean catalog clipping is gone from my fridge, replaced by new milestones to hit. And I have since had to downsize my pants from the Gap. Every time I wear my LL Bean shirt or my J Crew chinos or my Gap pants I can't believe they fit. When I take them out of the dryer to do laundry I still think "these aren't my pants, these are tiny."

I am waiting for my brain to catch up to my body. But every day is progress. And every day is a day I accept as it is. And who knows? Maybe you'll see me shopping at stores in the mall soon. And maybe I'll roll into one of the "fancy" stores I used to go to and get up and down looks while perusing their sock collection and ask the salesgirl: "You work on commission, right? Big mistake! Big! Huge!"

I think Julia Roberts would be proud.

Get out of your own head.

We were all just happy to have made it!

There are a lot of things that naturally thin people don't think about. And I am sure that several of those things are things that happened to me this past week.

For example, I was being interviewed at a meeting for my town commissioner work, and I showed up before the interview was to start. It was in a large auditorium. When I got there, I saw two high-top chairs for the interview. No big deal, right?

You see, high-top chairs are not a friend to those of us that struggle with weight. They are often flimsy, and relatively small, making us wonder if they will hold us for one, and if our backsides will actually fit on the seat. In the past, I have found these chairs so uncomfortable that I would avoid restaurants that had them as the only seating option. So to have that as my "perch" during a 60-minute interview gave me anxiety.

Another example is this: I went to a local ice cream shop with friends that used to be a very old fast food restaurant. The only seating is fixed booths. The last time I was there (about 10 months ago), I had to pull a stool over from the other side of the restaurant because I couldn't fit in the booth. I laughed it off at the time because I was with a group of people and you know, that's what you do. You laugh at yourself before someone else has the chance to laugh at you (classic elementary school survival technique).

And the third example that happened to me last night: I went to a haunted forest called Panic Point with a group of friends. I had never been there before but I heard that you walk through a lot of dark, tight spaces. How tight are these spaces? Will I be able to get through them? These haunted houses were designed for the average person. But not people like me. What do I do if I get stuck? How tight are we talking here?

I have pondered all three of these events this week and came to one conclusion: my brain has not yet caught up to my body.

Not only that, but I am reminded of perspective and the danger of getting into my own head too much. In my own head, I am still 320 pounds and can't sit on a high-top chair or fit in a restaurant booth or walk through your average haunted house. But when I have recounted those fears to a close friend, the reality is so much different. My friend reminds me I am 80 pounds lighter and running 12 miles a week and can fit on all the chairs, restaurant booths, and haunted houses that I want to.

So, I sat comfortably in that high-top chair. I fit confidently in that booth. And I walked like a scared puppy through those tight haunted houses. (Yes I fit! Yes it was still scary!)

While I am waiting for my brain to catch up to my body, I have learned to get out of my own head. Alone, I hear voices that just don't tell the truth. But with friends, I am reminded of who I really am. And that perspective is what will save us from ourselves.

It doesn't matter what you are battling. I just happen to be battling an obvious weight struggle. Other battles are more private and don't show on the surface like mine does. Each one of us has our thing. But I am telling you: don't battle alone. Lock arms with the ones that love you and fight.

Step one: get out of your own head.

"What kind of surgery are you having?"

What a harmless question, right?

Until you ask it of someone like me who is a bit ashamed of resorting to weight loss surgery to get healthy.

The process through insurance has been over a year for me. There are requirements that insurance needs to approve the duodenal switch surgery. For those of you thinking of weight loss surgery, here is what I have had to go through:

1. Primary care doctor visits documenting weight concerns for over a year.
2. Initial orientation with a team of nutritionists.
3. Weigh ins.
4. A sleep study.
5. A psychiatric evaluation.
6. Weigh ins.
7. Protein seminars.
8. Bariatric surgery consults.
9. Weigh ins.
10. Endoscopy and colonoscopy.
11. Hospital consultation.
12. Blood work.
13. More blood work.
14. Did I mention weigh-ins?

Don't get me wrong. I am thankful for the process because of one thing: they are operating on my digestive system, not my brain. My brain has to be ready for the change. The process has given me lots of time to process and thoughtfully consider what I am about to do.

This is known as the "DS" or, duodenal switch. It is
now considered the most effective surgery to
lose the weight and keep it off.

But it doesn't mean the insecurity and fear of judgment goes away. When I lost 75 pounds a few years ago, it was with blood, sweat, and tears. Lots of tears. At my lowest weight, I ended up needing lower back surgery. About two years after that, I needed upper back surgery. I was working out over an hour a day, 6 days a week rather faithfully. But I just couldn't get a handle on the eating. I allowed myself too many "cheat meals" and we all know, those turn into "cheat days" and "cheat weekends." And when you can't work out due to injury...you sit around a lot. And eat.

Want to know what's worse than being overweight? Losing 75 pounds and gaining it all back.

While some say surgery is the easy way out (and yes, I have heard this from well-meaning people), I must say, now that I am living in it and on day three of my liquid diet prep...it most certainly is not easy. And if I hadn't of had the year long preparation, I don't think my brain would be ready.

We have five days to go. And I apologize in advance to all of you that will be around me between now and Wednesday. Because I am perpetually hangry. Forgive me?

Big people. Little world.

A few days ago I got back from my little "spring break" trip as I like to call it. I went with three girl friends to the Barcelo Maya Resort outside of Cancun.

I've been trying to write a blog about my trip since I came back, but I don't know where to begin. How can I explain what it feels like to finally be a part of a world that always seemed too small for me?

I tried to find an old photo of me in a bathing suit
to compare to the most recent one above, but I
realized that I didn't have one. I have NEVER
wanted anyone to take my picture in a bathing suit.

If you've never struggled with your weight, this might not apply to you. But imagine living in a world that just seems like it wasn't built for you. Everything is too small. Too tight. Too hot. Too crowded. All in all, just too much. It might make you want to - retreat.

And for my whole life, I did just that. I made a lot of excuses about why I didn't want to do things. I was afraid, I had a fear of flying, I was too tired to swim, I was too scared to snorkel. You name it, I used the excuse.

On our trip to Mexico last week, I found that my body has changed, yes, but my mind is still a SERIOUS work in progress. The thought of us trying new things scared the crap out of me. Even laying on a floatie in the ocean was a mental challenge. Would it hold me? Would I actually float on this tiny piece of air-filled plastic?

And could I really walk around in a bathing suit without wearing shorts and a t-shirt? Would people stare at me? Oh, and they had kayaking there, too. But I could never actually kayak before, I was always over the weight limit. Would the beach chairs hold me? Would the restaurant chairs have arms? How do I know that I'll fit? Will I be...embarrassed?

Never underestimate the power of a friendship.
Accountability is purely life-changing.

You see, these are the things that I have always worried about. When you are overweight, your physical body becomes a barrier to the world around you, and you get used to that. In fact, you make it that way. When you're overweight, you don't have to let anyone in. This big scary "secret struggle" is actually on display for the world to see. But it also allowed me to control everything around me.

So I don't know how to explain my trip to Mexico. I don't know how to convey how different the world is now that I can fit into it. How do I explain what it feels like to walk around in a bathing suit all day without shame? How do I describe the feeling of being just another person at a resort? How do I share with you the victory of taking a trip to a tropical resort without any fear?

Yes, we kayaked. And snorkeled. And I sat in hammocks, and beach chairs, and arm chairs, and airplane seats, and took a lot of pictures of myself in a bathing suit. Without shame. I could easily write a hundred pages about how this felt to me, but for now I can leave it at this: it feels so good to be a part of the world now.

And it fits just fine.

-Liz

"I just bought the cutest outfit at Old Navy!"

You would hear this all day every day from most people in the world. You would NEVER hear this come out of my mouth. Until now.

Today, I shopped. Today, I tried things on. Today, I had a variety of things I COULD try on. I could put things back, I could pass over things, I could check prices, I could shop a size....smaller. Things were too big. And I found a cute outfit, and I bought it.

What the heck is happening to me?

I can't believe this journey sometimes. It is all together heartbreaking, glorious, unbelievable, painful, joyful, and most of all - life altering. Every day is something new. And today, for some reason that only God will be able to reveal to me eventually, today I had conversation after conversation about "how I did this."

People want to know how I did it. What's the trick? What's the secret? The tricky secret is that I get to talk about Jesus. I get to tell people that I wasn't ready to change until I knew I was worth changing. That I was made for more. That Jesus loved me more than anyone, and that He loved me too much to leave me the way I was...unwilling to change.

Is this the hardest thing I have ever done? Yes. Is this the most painful thing I've ever gone through? Yes. But is this the greatest story of God's redemptive hand on my life so far? Oh, hell yes. (that's right, I cursed. Get off me.)

Oh by the way, I took off my "pounds lost" tracker from here. Not because it's not important, but because I was making that number too important and giving it too much power.

But hey, there's something in ALL of our lives that has too much power over us, isn't there? Cut it loose.

-Liz

The Road Less Traveled

I had a very interesting day. Two big things happened, and I can't tell which is more newsworthy.

Ok, so this first picture is of me with some of my high school friends doing some team building activities today. The notable thing in this picture is, however...my shorts.

I have had these shorts for a while. Mostly as a joke for skits about working out and wearing too-tight clothes. See, I could never wear shorts like this. And if I did. I couldn't move at all in them for fear of splitting my shorts. Most embarrassing moment.

But now, I can. This is a crazy thing to me. I have always worn LONG shorts. Boy shorts. Because they hide my legs. Now I am finding, all this working out is paying off and my legs look...tough. They are going to get tougher, but they are already taking shape. This is a crazy thing, my friends. To hide your body your whole life and then be ok to show off, even if it's just legs...this is victory. My joke about becoming more promiscuous as I lose weight just might not be a joke anymore.

Just kidding, Mom.

The other big thing that happened today? I ran 6 miles. Down this trail. The American Tobacco Trail. It can be boring, it can be monotonous. But for me today, it was a time for reflection with me and Jesus. As I was running, I was thinking about where I came from, what I have been doing to get where I am, and the things that I think now that I NEVER thought I would think.

Could I ever not sit on the couch and snack while watching tv? Could I ever stop going to food for comfort? Could I ever enjoy exercising and not just want it to be done? Could I ever see God in the midst of all of this?

It's amazing how God has taken me on a road that I never thought I would travel. I don't know when it happened, or when my heart changed, but things are moving from my head to my heart, and this is a victory.




It's time to travel down a new road.  Let's do it together. I'm really fun on road trips. Try me.

-Liz

"You look skinny..."

Today is an epic day. For most people, it's a common, everyday thing. But for me, today is the first day that I have ever done this:

I shopped at Marshall's, found a dress, tried it on, loved it, and bought it.

I shopped somewhere that regular women shop. It wasn't online where you can get plus sizes, it wasn't at a store specifically made for larger women, and it wasn't the dress I had to buy because I had no other options that would fit me.

I was with two of my best friends, and we were shopping. We were talking about colors and fabrics and cuts and fit and prices and labels and where we could wear outfits to. I was being...a girl. Is this what it's like to go shopping with your friends? This is something I have never experienced.

I know that sounds crazy. But imagine it. Would you want to go shopping with your girlfriends when you can't fit into anything in the store? On the rare occasion that I would go shopping with friends, you could find me in the earrings section, or the hats, or any other accessory in which size didn't matter. But most of the time, you would find me waiting outside, or in the bookstore next door, or any other place that I felt like I could fit in and I didn't have sales girls judging me, thinking "Why is she in here? We have nothing that fits her..."

But not today. Today is a big step. Today is a milestone. Today is a day that I stepped into a dressing room, tried on a sleeveless black dress, and was surprised. Pleasantly. I look different now. I can wear something sleeveless without a sweater over it.

To top off this epic day...one of the little girls at our after school, Penelope, looked up at me and said "You look skinny." She's ten, and has no concept yet of being a complimentary, encouraging friend, even when it might not be true. That's why I know things are changing. And that's why this feeling tastes sweeter than any food I can turn to for comfort.

Come on, world. We're making moves.

-Liz

The blog I don't want to write.

So, I went to Jamaica last week on a missions trip. I ate whatever I wanted. I didn't count calories, I didn't control my portions, I didn't obsess over my food intake, I didn't look at my body too long in the mirror everyday, my journal entries weren't consumed with asking God about my weight loss process, my impatience, my struggles, my insecurities.

My days were filled with people I love, kids that needed to be loved, community that needed care and attention, and the sick and the elderly that needed to be touched.

When it comes to my weight loss journey, my week in Jamaica has left me...confused.

When I am not constantly watching my weight, I am afraid that I am completely backsliding into old habits. When I AM contstantly watching my weight, I am afraid that I am so self-focused that I am missing what God is trying to show me.

See my problem?

For those of us that struggle with our weight, it is always on our minds. It is the underlying problem in our social situations, in our group of friends, in our homes, and in our work places. Every event I go to has food laid out lately, and now that the holidays are over and my YMCA is packed with new members wanting to get fit, I am struggling with getting back on the horse.

Last night, I had a VIVID dream that I was doing work on a pint of Ben and Jerry's. The food dreams are back, and so are my desires to attack every snack I see. When I got back from Jamaica, all I could think about was showering, sitting on my blue couch, and eating every sweet and salty American goodness that I was missing in the chicken, fish, and rice world of Jamaica.

I can't help but feel crazy selfish. I am also afraid of the scale when I have to weigh in with my trainer in the next few days. God has to work overtime in the next few days to get me back on track, and I have to find a way to not be so obsessed with my weight that I miss what God has put in front of me.

I am not kicking ass right now. I am getting my ass kicked a little bit. And that's why this is the blog that I don't really want to write, but the valleys are part of the process. I hate the valleys.

-Liz