This elusive place called Onederland

If you have read my blogs before, I think I know what you're thinking. She did it! She made it to Onederland! What an accomplishment?

Nope.

It's been three weeks and my weight has just...stalled. My doctor said eat more carbs. My nutritionist said eat more often. My nurse said eat more protein. My body is changing but the scale just...isn't.

I share this for one big reason: this weight loss thing is a battle for my heart and my soul. And I don't want to only share the victories. The real truth is that I am wildly frustrated. And I am wondering when I will get to see a "1" at the beginning of my weight on the scale. I thought I would have crushed that milestone by now. A three week stall when I am training for a half marathon and running 15-18 miles a week?

Come on.

The thing that I hate about social media is we don't really post what's truly going on. We post the best stuff. The stuff we are proud of. The moments that we want to remember. Because why would we post about the struggles? The stuff we are ashamed of? The moments we want to forget?

Amidst this frustration of a perceived "lack of progress" I am reminded daily of how far I have come. And God gives me three words every day when I want to quit.

Stay. The. Course.

Stay the course. Remain and be present in the process. Embrace the discomfort. Do the work. Share all of it. All of it. Because our collective story will never just be the "facebook moments." Our story is the highs and lows and all points in between. 

We will make it to Onederland. When it's time. And until then, we will stay the course. Today I ran 9 miles, because that's what is on my training plan. Tomorrow will reveal itself to me. 

When it's time.

Branded!

As a 5' 10" 300+ pound woman, shopping always terrified me.

Shopping malls made me anxious. If a friend wanted to go shopping in a clothing store, I would hang out by the accessories. And not even the rings or the bracelets. The necklaces. Maybe the scarves. Or the socks. I pretended to care about shopping for...socks.

And as my friends would try on clothes and could choose any color of any item off of any rack, I just tried to avoid the awkward interaction with a sales person on the floor.

"Are you finding everything ok?"

"No, not really. In fact, nothing you have here fits me. Not even close. And I have to wait here while my naturally thin friends have to decide what to buy because they have all the choices in the world."

(actually, the only answer I could ever muster up was "Yup! Thanks!" I always wondered if they were questioning why I was even in their store in the first place, because the up and down looks I got sort of tipped me off...)

Since I started the push towards weight loss surgery in March, I started at 318 pounds. I ripped out a page from the LL Bean catalog and put it on my fridge. It was a page with regular women's clothing. Sizes S-XL. I had never been able to fit into anything smaller than the largest plus size LL Bean had -  a 3XL. That picture was my motivation that everyday choices might one day get me into everyday sizes.

On Black Friday, a few friends and I were among the crazies to go shopping at an outlet mall. I walked into J. Crew to just get some perspective of where I was with everyday sizes. It took courage for me to take an XXL shirt off of the rack and try it on in a dressing room. It took courage for me to pick out another XL shirt just to see how close I could be to fitting into an everyday size. I have shopped at Old Navy online for everything. That had been my only choice. And my mind had been trained to look for the biggest sizes everywhere i go. The bigger my clothes were, the more I could...hide. Baggy clothes made me feel small. But, baggy clothes also made me feel...small. In all the ways I didn't want.

So there I was in the J. Crew changing room and I had a moment. That XXL shirt was too big. That XL shirt fit me perfectly. And their chinos. And their sweaters. And I was no longer the largest size they carried. I fit in. And I proudly replaced that XXL button down knowing I would never need it again.

That LL Bean catalog clipping is gone from my fridge, replaced by new milestones to hit. And I have since had to downsize my pants from the Gap. Every time I wear my LL Bean shirt or my J Crew chinos or my Gap pants I can't believe they fit. When I take them out of the dryer to do laundry I still think "these aren't my pants, these are tiny."

I am waiting for my brain to catch up to my body. But every day is progress. And every day is a day I accept as it is. And who knows? Maybe you'll see me shopping at stores in the mall soon. And maybe I'll roll into one of the "fancy" stores I used to go to and get up and down looks while perusing their sock collection and ask the salesgirl: "You work on commission, right? Big mistake! Big! Huge!"

I think Julia Roberts would be proud.

75 pounds down!

Proud of my mileage. More proud of my sweatage.

So I went to a surgical follow-up last week with my doctor to make sure everything looked good. She asked about my eating and if I was able to start working out.

"Well, I am running a half-marathon in March and I've started training for that, so..."

To which she replied "Of COURSE you are!"

Even my doctor knows I don't do anything half-assed I guess.

As of this week, I am 75 pounds down from my pre-surgery weight when I started the process in April. It hasn't been easy physically or mentally, but day by day, I see progress that is pretty mind-blowing. I just got home from finishing a 3 mile run. This week, our official half-marathon training started. (shout out to everyone that is doing this race in March! You are all amazing humans.) I just looked at my training log and realized I ran 13 miles this week, which is the distance of a half-marathon.

Would the Liz of last year ever believe this was in my future? That's a big hell no. In fact, I had given up on my future in so many ways. Admitting I needed help in the form of weight loss surgery has made me realize how important it is to let people in. To let people in to my struggles, my embarrassments, my pain, my reality, my fears, all of it. Going to therapy and having surgical intervention and relying on my friends to take care of me hasn't been natural for me, but it's been necessary.

A blog can't describe what the past three months have taught me. When I made the decision to get healthy, my world opened up in every way. God has shown me love through people like I never thought possible. And If I had remained hidden behind my weight and my complacency, I would never have received the joy I am receiving now from so many wonderful people around me (and if you're reading this...you're most likely one of those wonderful people).

So if you need any word of encouragement today it would be this: don't settle. Know what you're worth and believe you deserve it all. You were created by God and God doesn't make mistakes.

(my other word of wisdom: Kesha is a GREAT running soundtrack. Just saying.)

Permission to be yourself

I am reading this book with work called "The Gift of Imperfection" by Brene Brown. First of all, this book changed my life when I first read it back in January. So much so, that I am reading it with my co-workers. If you need another reason to believe me, check this out:

"When we can let go of what other people think and own our story, we gain access to our worthiness."

Is this what authenticity is really about? Christians are the worst offenders of all. See when I became a Christian, it was all about responding to Jesus' love for me. But the longer I am a Christian, the more I see my Christian friends trying to be someone that they just...aren't.

Oh but, me too. I am guilty of trying to sound more Christian, talk more Christian, read and write more Christian, look more Christian, just be more...acceptable to Christians.

But isn't that stupid since...Jesus Christ accepts me as I am? It's us Christians that don't accept us as we are.

In other words, how can I gain access to my real worth when I am trying to live someone else's story?

So if you're a Christian and you're reading this, help me to change this epidemic. And if you're a Christian girl reading this, let me give you permission to be yourself. It's ok to be yourself and love Jesus at the same time. In fact, Jesus loves those parts of you that make you different. God made them, after all. Break that "Christian girl mold" that you may have been sold where you have trade in your sass, your fun, your sarcasm, your weirdness for some pale version of yourself.

I don't know, I just have this dream where everyone of us can be ok with who we are and love that about each other. I think accountability is unbelievably important, but that somewhere along the way, we have gotten accountability confused with judgment. Here's the difference: accountability says "I love you and I am with you while we work through this together." Judgment says "I don't like this about you so I am going to label you and walk away."

Can we let go of what other people think about us? If we do, we can finally rest in our own self-worth and stop living as lame versions of ourselves. Trust me. When you aren't being yourself, it is really lame. The world needs you. Just as you are.

It doesn't matter how you start. It matters how you finish.

But we all need to start somewhere. And some of us need to restart. And some of us need to restart the restart.

So a few weeks ago, I asked for some feedback on weight loss tips. What has helped you start or restart or restart the restart? I got GREAT feedback. So if you need some inspiration, take a looksee:

From Kevin who has lost a LOT of pounds this past year: quote I heard...you don't win bc of the plays you make but bc of the mistakes you avoid making. Generic advice but I like it!

From Leslie who just ran the NYC marathon (I like this because it is realistic. We can't avoid all foods that are bad for us, and for most of us, food simply just isn't "fuel" but the spice of life): Hey here is some weight loss advice we have followed and it works. If you are going to get fast food, no drive thru. You have to walk in to get it. And eat it there. Most of the time you can just get home and eat some thing WAY better for you. Even if you eat a side of chips, it will be better in the long run than piles of fries and burgers.

And this one, from Robyn. Who explains her quiet weight loss journey: Hey Liz! I saw your post and thought I'd send a message. I keep on the DL, especially about my weight but since the birth of my last child I've lost 110 pounds. I don't tell anyone - I mean, my husband knows - but I have never said the number out loud to anyone else. It took me about a year and half to lose it all, and its been a year and I have been able to keep it off. Here's how. The diet came first - I knew I wanted to lose weight so I started weight watchers. And I did lose! I think around 30-35 pounds. Then I watched Food, Inc - and realized I was eating a bunch of crap, even on WW. Then I read Fast Food Nation and just got scared straight. So - ANYWAY - I changed my diet to a whole foods diet. Generally - if it comes in a bag or a box - I don't eat it. If there are a bunch of preservatives in it - I don't eat it. I heard somewhere "If your great grandmother doesn't know what it is then don't eat it." Throughout the whole time I cut out white sugar and white flour. They were immediate goners. My breakfast that I eat everyday and LOVE is egg whites scrambled with shredded cheddar cheese with Ener-G Light Tapioca Bread, which I toast and eat with butter. Lunch depends - but most of the time it some kind of lettuce wrap and a greek yogurt. And then dinner is a protein, a complex carb and a vegetable. Berries with whipped cream for dessert. Snacks involve hummus and carrots or wasa crackers. and I like hot tea throughout the day. 

But it all wasn't just diet. When the baby was born I walked on our treadmill with him in a front pack. Then I started to jog a little (without the front pack, of course) and then SOMEONE (hint, hint - it was you) decided to motivate me into running when you ran 10 miles. It took me awhile to reach that goal, but thanks to your motivation - I did it! And I still run - I enjoy signing up for races (I try for one a month) and just being in the community of others that love to do what I do. Knowing that I have a race coming up keeps me motivated to stay on the treadmill running. That is really a big one - signing up for races is a huge workout motivator. And I went to the Dr recently just for a check up and a thumbs up - which I got - and have registered for my first full marathon in May. So I'm excited to reach for that goal! 

So - I hope this helps and thank you for your motivational words that you put out there all the time - they help me so much! I hope and pray your back continues to heal! Take care!

I was on vacation last week and read a book that completely rocked my socks off, and has helped me start the process to get over some crippling relationship heartbreak that I have been dealing with over the past few months. This book has helped me identify some people-pleasing habits I have that have walled me off and broken me down from ever fully being myself, and has given me practical ways to address my desire to try and be someone I'm not.

Did I sell the book enough for you to read it? Brene Brown: The Gifts of Imperfection. I am telling you now, this book will make you laugh, cry, and most importantly, take action.

I have also come to the conclusion that I need to get more committed again. I have been testing the waters with my big toe for too long. I did this weight loss thing once, and I'm going to do it again. Tomorrow is my last follow-up at the back doctor, so I am hoping and praying to be cleared for all activity. Stay tuned...

One last thing: I have some new ideas that are going to require your feedback. Your painful, honest, and open feedback. So get ready for that. We need each other.

-Liz

ADDENDUM: Forgot to add the tips people posted on Facebook when I asked this question:

From Kelly: I found that the app Tap and Track was totally useful. I ended up losing 8 lbs this summer. Of course strength and cardio too...but I didn't cut out beer or even sweets. It just made me eat more consciously.

From Dawn: Love weight watchers. Since joining weight watchers I am so much smarter about my choices and PORTIONS. I clearly had no idea what a real portion was, or how to guestimate weight/size. What I guessed as a 3 ox chicken breast....was really 8 oz when I got it on the scale. The program really helps you plan and prepare yourself for everyday challenges, and for special events like Thanksgiving. Plus I go to actual meetings once a week, and being with others just like me is really great to share successes and struggles with along the journey. Best of luck with whatever you chose, it is a lifestyle change!

From Carolee: Cut out all soda/soft drinks/sugary drinks. Go for water, unsweetened iced tea, etc. even avoid diet soda. That is a fairly easy lifestyle change and will make a huge difference.