This elusive place called Onederland

If you have read my blogs before, I think I know what you're thinking. She did it! She made it to Onederland! What an accomplishment?

Nope.

It's been three weeks and my weight has just...stalled. My doctor said eat more carbs. My nutritionist said eat more often. My nurse said eat more protein. My body is changing but the scale just...isn't.

I share this for one big reason: this weight loss thing is a battle for my heart and my soul. And I don't want to only share the victories. The real truth is that I am wildly frustrated. And I am wondering when I will get to see a "1" at the beginning of my weight on the scale. I thought I would have crushed that milestone by now. A three week stall when I am training for a half marathon and running 15-18 miles a week?

Come on.

The thing that I hate about social media is we don't really post what's truly going on. We post the best stuff. The stuff we are proud of. The moments that we want to remember. Because why would we post about the struggles? The stuff we are ashamed of? The moments we want to forget?

Amidst this frustration of a perceived "lack of progress" I am reminded daily of how far I have come. And God gives me three words every day when I want to quit.

Stay. The. Course.

Stay the course. Remain and be present in the process. Embrace the discomfort. Do the work. Share all of it. All of it. Because our collective story will never just be the "facebook moments." Our story is the highs and lows and all points in between. 

We will make it to Onederland. When it's time. And until then, we will stay the course. Today I ran 9 miles, because that's what is on my training plan. Tomorrow will reveal itself to me. 

When it's time.

This magical place called "Onederland"

When I first started my bariatric surgery journey, I was 318 pounds. But that was not my heaviest.

Have you ever noticed the maximum weight on almost every doctor's scale? In case you didn't know, it's 350 pounds. And I remember a time, in my 20s, when I tipped that scale. I remember it because it was one of the most humiliating experiences I've ever had. But that didn't wake me up when it should have. Instead, it made me crawl back into the overeating hole I was used to. Food for comfort, making me more uncomfortable than ever.

March 2018 was my first appointment towards bariatric surgery. That was my initial 318 pound weigh-in. I had lost and gained and lost and gained many times before. But admitting I needed help was my biggest struggle. After two back surgeries in the past 5 years, my lowest adult weight of 239 crept right back to 318. What I had worked so hard to lose seemed to come back so easily. Isn't that always the way?

The bariatric surgery community always talked about something called "Onederland." It's when you finally see a "1" as the first number on the scale. I can't explain how intangible and out of reach that felt to me at 318 pounds. When was the last time I saw a 1 as the first number on the scale? I have racked my brain and truly can't remember.

As a kid, one of the most terrifying sentences I heard every year from my mom was this one:

"It's time for your yearly physical."

Back to school meant getting a physical. Getting a physical meant getting weighed. Getting weighed meant humiliation and shame for me as a middle school girl. As a kid, doctors don't really know how to address your weight. Parents don't know either. My mom and dad did the best they could do, but unless I wanted to change, there was no changing. And so it went for me for years. College was no better, and as an adult, I found other ways to compensate socially. I was always outgoing, always funny, always the life of the party.

"Onederland" is not just about a number on a scale. It's a victory that I have never thought was meant for me. It's a dream. It's a myth. It's a magical place with leprechauns riding unicorns and jumping over rainbows. But it was never made for me.

Through my surgery preparation between March and July, I went to a lot of support groups and therapy appointments and listened. A lot. And I realized that sometimes, we believe a lie for so long that we start to live up to it. I never thought I would get to Onederland, because I believed the lie that I didn't deserve it.

So here I am, at 204 pounds. Onederland is coming. And when it does, it will be the biggest victory yet. The victory I thought I couldn't grab, the goal I thought I would never reach, the life I thought I could never live. I don't know when it will happen, but that doesn't really matter, because I know it is coming.

What is your Onederland? Whatever it is, you deserve it. We all do.

75 pounds down!

Proud of my mileage. More proud of my sweatage.

So I went to a surgical follow-up last week with my doctor to make sure everything looked good. She asked about my eating and if I was able to start working out.

"Well, I am running a half-marathon in March and I've started training for that, so..."

To which she replied "Of COURSE you are!"

Even my doctor knows I don't do anything half-assed I guess.

As of this week, I am 75 pounds down from my pre-surgery weight when I started the process in April. It hasn't been easy physically or mentally, but day by day, I see progress that is pretty mind-blowing. I just got home from finishing a 3 mile run. This week, our official half-marathon training started. (shout out to everyone that is doing this race in March! You are all amazing humans.) I just looked at my training log and realized I ran 13 miles this week, which is the distance of a half-marathon.

Would the Liz of last year ever believe this was in my future? That's a big hell no. In fact, I had given up on my future in so many ways. Admitting I needed help in the form of weight loss surgery has made me realize how important it is to let people in. To let people in to my struggles, my embarrassments, my pain, my reality, my fears, all of it. Going to therapy and having surgical intervention and relying on my friends to take care of me hasn't been natural for me, but it's been necessary.

A blog can't describe what the past three months have taught me. When I made the decision to get healthy, my world opened up in every way. God has shown me love through people like I never thought possible. And If I had remained hidden behind my weight and my complacency, I would never have received the joy I am receiving now from so many wonderful people around me (and if you're reading this...you're most likely one of those wonderful people).

So if you need any word of encouragement today it would be this: don't settle. Know what you're worth and believe you deserve it all. You were created by God and God doesn't make mistakes.

(my other word of wisdom: Kesha is a GREAT running soundtrack. Just saying.)

Am I going to fit?

How many times does this ride go
upside down?

When you've been overweight as long as you can remember like I have, you never really forget that the world isn't really made for you.

As of today, I am down 67 pounds. I am fitting into the smallest stuff I own, and have pretty much gotten rid of all my old clothes. I even ordered some pants from The Gap and they fit. When I hold them in my hands, I think they are someone else's pants. When I put them on, I think there is no way they will fit. But they do. And I still can't believe it.

But the big win for the week for me was conquering that roller coaster fear. The last time I did this was in 2012. Pretty soon after that, I injured my back, and that started the surgeries that derailed me and contributed to me gaining about 70 pounds back over the course of a few years.

So here we are, in 2018, and my best friend Julie (who loves roller coasters) invited me to go to Howl-A-Scream with a group to Busch Gardens. I remember saying yes a few months ago thinking "oh it's a few months away, sure I'll go! Last time I rode a roller coaster in 2012 I got nauseous all day, but I'm sure I''ll be fine!"

Saturday arrived, and we approached the first ride called Apollo's Chariot. No upside down or backwards, no problem. Except one problem. Will I fit into the roller coaster seat? If you're naturally thin, you've never thought about this. But when you struggle with weight your whole life like me, you wonder about the airplane seat. And the restaurant booth. And the roller coaster seat. I even remember as a middle schooler, waiting in line for a ride at Hershey Park and getting to the front only to find I couldn't fit into it, and having to slink off to the exit. As a middle school girl. Humiliating.

I guess it's become enough of an issue that, thankfully, theme parks now have a "tester" seat at the front of some of their

rides. These tester seats are for "larger park guests" that don't want to be humiliated after waiting in line and then not fitting.

So Julie and I got up to the ride, saw the tester seat, and I turned to her in a panic and said "What if I get to the front of the line and I can't fit in the seat?" And THIS is why we need good friends. She looked at me almost shocked and said "You will never have to worry about that again."

So I sat in the seat. And I fit. And I realized my brain has yet to catch up to my body. I still see myself as I was at 320 pounds, not fitting in, and being scared of new adventures where I can't control my environment. And the roller coaster? Terrifying.

We moved on to the next ride called Da Vinci's Cradle and it had a seatbelt in the seat. Which fit around my waist, and I was shocked. And then there was a bar that was supposed to latch down over you. I grabbed the bar and it wouldn't latch. I turned to my friend Julie, again, and had a panicked look on my face like "I'm too big for this ride" and right when I thought that, realized that the staff hadn't yet locked it down on the whole ride. It had nothing to do with me. Again, my brain couldn't believe I could fit, and I had that panicked look on my face that I had been used to my whole life: "I am too big to fit."

Shout out to Da Vinci's Cradle. The
motion sickness was too real.

The fun plot twist of the day is that motion sickness doesn't get better as you age, it gets a LOT worse. So I spent half the day on dramamine trying to recover from Da Vinci's Cradle (which goes backwards waaaaaay too much) and another coaster called Verbolten that takes you into complete darkness and scrambled my stomach beyond repair. But, once the dramamine kicked in, I ended the day again on Apollo's Chariot because I needed to end on a high note, not a pukey one.

The moral of my Busch Gardens story? Trust your friends. I see that theme in my life a lot lately. I am the queen of getting into my own head too much. Trust your friends. When you overthink something and are inconsolable, trust your friends. Find that one or two people that you trust, and let them in fully. Don't be afraid to get hurt. You will get hurt. Because people hurt each other. But the best friends are the ones that stay with us through the pain. And talk it out. And ask forgiveness. And accept your forgiveness.

Trust your friends. They know where you fit. And where you belong.

I can't thank this patient group enough (l to r: Melanie,
Julie, Aaron, motion sickness girl, and Amy)

Standing still is moving backwards.

Picture on the left is from last week, fitting into the
"skinniest" jacket I have. Picture on the right is from
March. Sometimes it's hard to see progress when
you're in the midst of it!

I am about two months out from surgery, and I am feeling pretty great. When I found out my surgery date, I was in a facebook group with other duodenal switch patients, and we started a smaller facebook group message for those of us having surgery the same week. There are about 12 of us on the group message.

It has been great to be a part of that group...we have messaged each other about different phases of the process, the pre-op diet and the post-op diet, different foods to try and to avoid, and all the emotional stuff in between.

About two weeks ago, a lady in the group said she was really struggling and going back to old habits. She said she found herself in McDonald's eating a Big Mac and large fries. Even as she got the physical pain that comes with this surgery when you overeat or eat stuff you shouldn't, she powered through and finished her meal, because, that's part of the food addiction we all have. And when she got home, she was sick. VERY sick. for almost 24 hours.

When I read this I thought... "you did WHAT? WHERE?" I can barely keep down 500 calories of protein shakes right now. And my second thought was..."careful, Liz. Be careful."

It is so easy for me to judge. It is easy to say "I would NEVER do that." The last time I lost 80 pounds, I swore up and down it would never come back. And one bad food decision led to another, led to a back surgery, led to lack of exercise, led to overeating and on and on and on.

The truth is, if I stand still, I will move backwards. If nothing changes, nothing changes. So I am paying attention to every day. I am making choices for my health and for my life. I have had moments where I have eaten too much, but I have to listen to my body. And days where I just don't want to go work out, but I know my body needs to move.

None of us are promised tomorrow. And for me, tomorrow overwhelms me. So I am doing what I can today and living today the best way that I can. This is the part of the journey that has nothing to do with weight loss, but everything to do with believing I deserve better. We all do!

Shed the pounds, shed the tears.

This is the bench on White Street in
downtown Wake Forest that has hosted
many life changing conversations for me.
Today was no different. And Georgie was
there to supervise, as usual!

I ventured out of the house this morning to sit with a friend in downtown Wake Forest. It was a game changer, for a lot of reasons.

I think having weight loss surgery has opened me up to a lot more self-reflection than I was anticipating. And as I am watching the scale go down, I am feeling things welling up within me.

Shed the pounds, shed the tears.

My friend this morning challenged me to put myself out there more. And I will. What I might need to explain is that, I have used my weight as a physical barrier from the world. So as that barrier is bound to come down completely in the next few months, I anticipate being exposed to the world more than ever. I also anticipate being open to the world more than ever.

And that's the goal.

We all have our vices, and some of us have our addictions. My addiction isn't drugs or alcohol, but food. And I have the unlucky benefit of wearing my addiction for the world to see. Sometimes I wish I had a more secret issue that is hidden away from the world. But the weight issue, for me, has been a banner I have carried, and will carry in order to help other people if I can.

So for those of us hiding ourselves from the world...let's stop. Because I know for sure that the world needs the parts of ourselves we are most afraid to show. The vulnerable, scared side. It took a conversation on a bench on White Street this morning for me to realize that. And, it takes the love of a friend to recognize and encourage that in us.

"If you weren't afraid of being yourself to people, how would that change the world?"

XO

The life of a prepper

Shout out to Bariatric Advantage and Celebrate vitamins.

I was going to entitle this "The life of a doomsday prepper" but what I have coming up isn't doomsday, it's more like a birthday. Except much more painful and filled with vitamins.

Speaking of vitamins, someone asked about the regimen, so here it is. 5 times a day I am taking a chewable vitamin of some sort, because that's what my new body can absorb. Because I am such a prepper, I have already organized them into easy doses to make sure I don't miss a beat. Vitamins are crucial in recovery since I won't be able to take in a lot of food nutrition.

And here's what the fridge looks like. Day one of the liquid diet prep is today. Duodenal switch surgery is July 11th. And a warning if you have to interact with me this week: I will be hangry pretty much all week. So I apologize in advance for what I might do or say.

For those of you looking for protein shake recommendations, I really can't say enough good things about Premier Protein. I have tried a LOT of options for protein in my life, and this is really the bariatric standard. 160 calories, 30 grams of protein, and 1 gram of sugar. You can find them at Walmart and Sams Club and they have a great variety of flavors. Peach and cookies and cream are my favorites.

I keep hearing that your taste buds completely change after surgery, but I am hoping I can still tolerate the shakes afterwards. They have been a lifeline for me, truly.

Cheers to day one!

When God showed up.

Is it me that shows up, or is it God in me that shows up?

I would be remiss to not document the epic nature of this day. Remember, Thursday (two days ago) was round two of my steroid shots. And on Thursday (two days ago) I could barely stand. And here it is, Saturday. And this is what happened today:

I spent the morning with God. Like every morning in the past two weeks. This, in itself, has been an epic and essential part of my life. It's a joke that I try to maintain a relationship with God when I don't give Him any of my time. Anyone else in my life would have moved on by now. Some have. And who could blame them?

As I was writing in my journal this morning about my physical struggle, God put it in my heart to toss all my junk food out. All of it. So I did. Anything questionable in my house that was impeding my progress was purged. That was amazing.

God showed up.

Mid-morning I went down to NC State to have lunch with the Wizard. Now if you don't know her, you are really missing out. All the while, my leg feels stronger, my back felt loser, and my heart felt fuller. Yeah, fuller.

Do I dare try a workout? I did dare. And I was so...nervous. I have felt defeated, watching myself gain weight back and not be able to control it. Watching my progress turn to regress is heartbreaking. I got on the bike and started pedaling.

And then, God showed up again. In the form of my friend Nancy who works out at the Y frequently, walks with a cane, and never fails to smack my perspective back in line. I said a simple hello to Nancy, but what I really wanted to say is: "you INSPIRE me. Every single day that I see you, and I don't tell you that enough."

So I biked. And I did an upper body workout, and I have never, ever felt so grateful for my hands. And my feet. And the ability to walk. And strength. And progress and struggle and all points in between. Because amidst the peaks and valleys, no matter where I am, God shows up.

I know SO many of you prayed for my healing. I cannot thank you enough. I am overwhelmed with gratitude, and humbled by your love for me. Because of you, God showed up.

It's time for me to start showing up for God a little more.

-Liz

White flag.

This woman has wisdom. AND a
motorcycle license.
Perfect combination.

Another early morning where instead of doing what I would choose to do if I was able (work out), I have to do what was chosen for me. Ice my back. Make coffee. Take medication. Sit with God. This is the 2 hour window that I need to prep for my day so I can actually be a walking, functioning member of society.

Tomorrow I have round two of my spine injections. I am putting a lot of hope in tomorrow. What God is asking me this morning: "Why can't you put THAT much hope in Me, today?" I still don't trust God fully. That is disappointing.

The temptation here is to hurry up the healing. But isn't that our way? "As soon as this is over, everything will be great." "If only I was past this, I could get back on track." "If I just didn't have to deal with this, I would be more thankful."

I am learning how to wave the white flag here. I have to surrender. I can fight this all I want, and cry every day about it (which happens each morning, like clock work), or I can surrender. I preach surrender to other people every day. But now it's time for me to man up and do it myself.

I am a fixer. I want to fix things and immediately move on. I equate this problem with that stupid show "Extreme Home Makeover." (sorry if you like it, but it is really emotional propoganda.) They set out to do great things. They rebuild a home in a week. I always wanted them to go back to that house a year later to see how it's fallen apart because of the carelessness of rushing through a renovation.

I want to be renovated by God from the foundation up. And I can only imagine how much time that takes. Because I am tough. And God knows that. He also knows how long this will take so that the change will actually stick.

So it's white flag time. For me. And maybe for something in your life too?

-Liz

Cross your legs.

Trust me when I say, there are a thousand things going on in my head. I need to write a blog about how I am ACTUALLY losing weight, practical ways to do it. I need to write a blog about the self-discipline changes in my life, I need to write a blog about community and change and distance and fear but the topic that will win today is:

Crossing my legs.

It's crazy how I can't see the difference in my body like other people again. It just proves how skewed our view of ourselves is. I have lost 76 pounds since September. But there are days where I still feel that I look the same. The coolest indicator for me lately, however...is being able to cross my legs.

When I was in middle school I was in church choir. I remember that we had a special performance one year and all the girls were to sit at the front of the stage and our choir director instructed us to wear black skirts, and to sit with our knees together, or to cross one leg over the other so we all looked the same. Performance day came and I crossed my legs like the other girls and after the first set of songs, my mom discretely told me "don't cross your legs anymore, because the congregation can see a little too much."

Embarrassing at the time, but a reality now that my legs, since middle school, haven't been crossable since. And it's really only been in the last few months that the comfortable way for me to sit has been to cross my legs. You probably take that for granted. You also might take for granted the fact that you can sit in any chair with arms without wondering if you can fit in that chair. There is an average-sized world of people that has no anxiety over chairs, booths, seats, rides, and everything in between.

I look at my legs now, and I can't believe how awesome they look. I can't believe I can sit in a chair with arms and see extra room in the seat. Honestly. I don't think I'll ever get over how crazy that is. But I feel like such a bad ass when I cross my legs. I try to do it every chance I get.

I have a lot of years to make up for, after all.

-Liz

Don't think you're making a difference in the world? Think again.

I got a random email last week that came right on time. RIGHT ON TIME. It's amazing how that works...

Hi Liz!   I’m hoping you will remember me- we worked at KHA together and I have been following your blog and have been wanting to respond to you for so long.  My first problem is that I’m not sure how to respond to you on your blog ( I am not technology savvy) and my second problem was that I wasn’t sure you would remember me.  

I have been following since Kelli Clark sent me the link.  I was always hesitant about getting in touch with you but after reading that so many people have been responding to your past and present pictures- I thought it was time. Kelli gave me your email since I’m not on Facebook either.  (Yes, I do know what century this is.)

What you write inspires me and I just wanted you to know that even though I have never had a weight problem, some of the struggles to stay healthy are very similar( I won’t begin to act like I know what you have gone through by saying that they are the “same”.)  However, while trying to stay healthy I have really had to make myself learn what is healthy and what is not.  That is not fun because none of the good stuff is healthy as you well know! 

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you are inspiring people in more ways than you realize because staying healthy and taking care of the bodies that God has blessed us with should be something that everyone needs to think about.  The real need is for people to know that they don’t have to do it alone and that God is always with them. You are making it possible for a lot of people to see that and I know God will continue to bless you on your journey! Thanks again for sharing – I know it’s not easy. Peace,Kathy

This email blows me away for a thousand reasons. I am sharing it because I know that today, you need to be blown away, too. You need to be reminded that you are making a difference in people that you might not even know or talk to. Or maybe it's the person that you haven't seen in a long time that just needs to hear that we are all struggling together.

This weight loss thing is a struggle. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. So let's quit trying to do it alone!

-Liz

Can you see Jesus in the clouds?

My friend Dee and I have a saying - "kingdom clouds." Kingdom clouds are the white, fluffy clouds that you see in beautiful blue skies. Clouds that look so fluffy, you can only imagine the kingdom of God inside of them. Thick, white clouds that belong to God and just might have God right inside of them.

When we see kingdom clouds, it is the reminder of God on this earth, making something beautiful just for us.

On Sunday morning, I went for a run. I have one of those Nike GPS apps on my iPhone that will tell me pace every 5 minutes. Sometimes I love that lady's voice when she interrupts my playlist to tell me how fast I am going. Sometimes, I hate that lady's voice when she interrupts my playlist to tell me how SLOW I am going. On Sunday, I hated her voice.

But my run was great, and I was on the way back running down Two Creeks Road. I was running down the right side of the street, and another lady was running down the left side of the street. We were both going the same direction, so I saw her out of the corner of my eye as she passed me across the street. When I saw her I thought "ugh, come on...this lady is going so much faster than me. I am so slow."

My internal dialogue continued: "this is so frustrating! Why can't I be as fast as her?" I beat myself like this for a few more moments and then, a shift happened. "What am I doing? Quit being so hard on yourself and realize that you have just run 3 1/2 miles and you feel great! Your legs are strong, your heart is pumping, and your mind is getting sharper and sharper. You are doing awesome, stop beating yourself up!"

I am not kidding you...as soon as I realized that thought and decided to stop beating myself up, this woman, across the street and ahead of me, turned around mid-stride and gave me a thumbs up.

Did she know what I was thinking at that exact moment? No. But God did. Did she know I needed some encouragement? Maybe. But God definitely did. I saw Jesus in that lady jogger just like I see Him in those kingdom clouds. You see the same joggers and the same clouds that I do...but do you see Jesus in them like I do?

Do you see Jesus in the people and places around you? Do you know how badly God is trying to get your attention? This is a beautiful life, and when I stop beating myself up and look for Jesus, I get it. I really, really get it.

But, we have to stop beating ourselves up first.

-Liz

What are the three greatest words in the English language?

Notice she says "we"...not "I".

Last week I bit the bullet and posted some pictures of my weight loss progress. In previous posts that I felt like, man, this is good, and I hope people respond...I would get 200 or 300 hits over the course of a month and I thought that was huge.

If that was huge, the feedback to this last post is...monstrous.

I have been checking it every day, and almost 4,000 people have looked at it - since Tuesday. I don't think numbers are a sheer gauge of success. What I do think, however, is that there are conversations starting amongst people that I don't know. Thoughts are spinning. Minds are wondering. Can I do this? Why can't I get a handle on this in my own life? Why haven't I given this part of my life up to God yet? Why am I trying to do this alone?

People have responded to me. People from my past. Old Young Life girls that I used to lead when they were in high school, old friends that I went to high school with, people that knew me so well at one point in my life but now we have drifted apart, and people that I barely know but see in my daily life here in North Carolina.

Is it weird that I am this honest and strangers know my deepest struggles on this blog? Yeah, it's weird. But at this point in my life, it is weirder to NOT be honest about something we ALL struggle with. And to be allowed to start the conversation and encourage others to do the same.

I heard once that the three greatest words in the English language are "Yeah, me too." If you are reading my blog, and you realize you aren't alone in your struggle, then we are ALL succeeding. We can't do life alone. We weren't created to, and it doesn't work when we try to.

Wondering if you can do it? If you can make a change and realize you are WORTH MORE? Yeah, me too.

-Liz

When you trip down memory lane

Last night I went to dinner with two of my favorite Young Life girls from Leesville High School. They are now women. Married, kids, and welcoming their 30s. It was one of those moments in time that just takes you back. And it really, REALLY took me back.

One of them said "I want to ask you a question, but before I do, I want to apologize if it's over the line." That statement already had me excited about what was next. She said "Do you wonder why your friends didn't encourage you to lose weight sooner?"

Hmm. I am still pondering this. When I started this weight loss journey, it wasn't my friends that encouraged me to do it. It wasn't a big moment in time where I knew something had to change, nothing percipatated it, nothing hit me as a rock bottom. For all intents and purposes, it was just - time to change.

Do I wonder why my friends didn't encourage me to lose weight sooner? Yes. I think about that quite a bit actually. Is there something about me that makes me unapproachable? Am I too tough? Am I too proud? Am I independent to a fault?

And this was the point in the dinner that I tripped down memory lane. I fell into that place of "I couldn't let anyone in, and I couldn't be told what to do. I still can't." And trust me, I struggle with this every day. This blog itself is a coping mechanism for me to let people in. To let down my guard and take in the good and the bad.

What will happen to all of us if we just...let people into the pain? If we weren't afraid of being ourselves to people, how would that change the world? And maybe more importantly, who is it in your life that needs to know that you struggle so that they can feel the freedom to struggle right there with you?

-Liz

"I just bought the cutest outfit at Old Navy!"

You would hear this all day every day from most people in the world. You would NEVER hear this come out of my mouth. Until now.

Today, I shopped. Today, I tried things on. Today, I had a variety of things I COULD try on. I could put things back, I could pass over things, I could check prices, I could shop a size....smaller. Things were too big. And I found a cute outfit, and I bought it.

What the heck is happening to me?

I can't believe this journey sometimes. It is all together heartbreaking, glorious, unbelievable, painful, joyful, and most of all - life altering. Every day is something new. And today, for some reason that only God will be able to reveal to me eventually, today I had conversation after conversation about "how I did this."

People want to know how I did it. What's the trick? What's the secret? The tricky secret is that I get to talk about Jesus. I get to tell people that I wasn't ready to change until I knew I was worth changing. That I was made for more. That Jesus loved me more than anyone, and that He loved me too much to leave me the way I was...unwilling to change.

Is this the hardest thing I have ever done? Yes. Is this the most painful thing I've ever gone through? Yes. But is this the greatest story of God's redemptive hand on my life so far? Oh, hell yes. (that's right, I cursed. Get off me.)

Oh by the way, I took off my "pounds lost" tracker from here. Not because it's not important, but because I was making that number too important and giving it too much power.

But hey, there's something in ALL of our lives that has too much power over us, isn't there? Cut it loose.

-Liz

The Road Less Traveled

I had a very interesting day. Two big things happened, and I can't tell which is more newsworthy.

Ok, so this first picture is of me with some of my high school friends doing some team building activities today. The notable thing in this picture is, however...my shorts.

I have had these shorts for a while. Mostly as a joke for skits about working out and wearing too-tight clothes. See, I could never wear shorts like this. And if I did. I couldn't move at all in them for fear of splitting my shorts. Most embarrassing moment.

But now, I can. This is a crazy thing to me. I have always worn LONG shorts. Boy shorts. Because they hide my legs. Now I am finding, all this working out is paying off and my legs look...tough. They are going to get tougher, but they are already taking shape. This is a crazy thing, my friends. To hide your body your whole life and then be ok to show off, even if it's just legs...this is victory. My joke about becoming more promiscuous as I lose weight just might not be a joke anymore.

Just kidding, Mom.

The other big thing that happened today? I ran 6 miles. Down this trail. The American Tobacco Trail. It can be boring, it can be monotonous. But for me today, it was a time for reflection with me and Jesus. As I was running, I was thinking about where I came from, what I have been doing to get where I am, and the things that I think now that I NEVER thought I would think.

Could I ever not sit on the couch and snack while watching tv? Could I ever stop going to food for comfort? Could I ever enjoy exercising and not just want it to be done? Could I ever see God in the midst of all of this?

It's amazing how God has taken me on a road that I never thought I would travel. I don't know when it happened, or when my heart changed, but things are moving from my head to my heart, and this is a victory.




It's time to travel down a new road.  Let's do it together. I'm really fun on road trips. Try me.

-Liz

Sometimes, you're just...done.

I am in a funk. And I am writing about it publicly. Because privately, too many of us struggle with the lows but publicly, we only declare the highs.

I am in a low. A serious low.

Today, I want to eat everything in sight. Today, I want to get a pizza from Salvio's and feel so full and satisfied and done. Today, I want to be done. Today I'm just...done.

This blog post doesn't have a happy ending or a revelation or an insight. This blog post is just a confession to remind me that the lows are still here. I have done so much and have gone so far, but today is a struggle. Today is a reminder that I am in a battle. There is something going on my mind that isn't reality, and there is a battle for me to believe that I am worth it and I can do this.

So what am I supposed to do? I have no idea. I think about the long-term future of this healthy eating thing and it makes me more exhausted than I can explain. I can't allow myself to think about that too much because it overwhelms me to where I want to quit.

So what am I going to do? I'm going to go to sleep pretty soon and pray that tomorrow will be a better day, that God would take away this funk I am in, and that I would find my joy again. This was a crappy post for me to write, but I hope that my honesty in this valley will encourage you to be honest when you're in your valley. Maybe you're already there. If so, you're right beside me, and I am whispering in your ear "This is temporary and we are going to find a way out."

-Liz

Feeling left out?

Today I met a friend for lunch at a restaurant that I would consider...an old friend. This particular restaurant has a bakery, with cupcakes that are THE BOMB. In fact, I used to drop by this restaurant at night and order dinner to go, only so I could justify the purchase of a six pack of cupcakes. I would go home, watch tv, mindlessly eat the dinner, and then eat cupcakes until I was painfully full. Sometimes that was 4. Sometimes it was 6. Yes...6 cupcakes. I just did the math on the calorie count for those cupcakes. Each one is 360 calories.

So on a particularly lonely night, that would add up to 2,160 calories. Of cupcakes.

I used to feel left out a lot. In the beginning of this journey, I would look around at restaurants of people eating whatever they want. I would go to the grocery store and resist the candy aisle. I would see people at concession stands, drive-thrus, parties, and work events just eating...whatever they want. Why can't I do that too? I felt SO LEFT OUT. It's not fair that they get to eat whatever they want and I don't.

But here's what I have realized today, as I was sitting in the middle of a restaurant that was a BAD old friend to me. It's not that I can't eat what I want...it's that what I WANT TO EAT is now so much different. What I wanted to eat in my old life was a temporary sugar high to make me feel better. What I wanted to eat in my old life was something to stuff down my real feelings.

What I want to eat now, however, is something to keep me healthy and strong. What I want to eat right now is food that I won't abuse, that won't become the center of my life, and that I can enjoy without letting it be the center of my world.

I guess it's hard to admit that food was the center of my life. But if I'm honest, I have to admit that so I can move on from it. And today, at lunch with my friend, I didn't feel left out from the others around me eating whatever they wanted. I felt empowered that I was able to choose my health over my cravings.

And honestly...don't we all deserve that for ourselves?

-Liz

The moment you know you're successful...





Ok, so, lately I have been wondering...is it possible that I am actually doing this? I have lost 66 pounds, and there are moments that I still wonder if I am being successful. Is anyone reading my blog? Am I helping anyone? Am I making a difference? Then...I got this fb message and it answered my questions. It also made me cry.



Before you read it, I want you to think about how YOU can change the lives of people around you. Your way will be different than mine, but it will be the way that works for you and the people in your life. I have beaten over the head lately with the fact that people need encouragement, and it is my job to do that. It's your job too. Now check out this great message:

Hey Liz! I have been reading your blog recently and literally everything you write I can relate to. I always thought I was the only one who felt all those feelings. Knowing that I'm not alone makes me feel so much better. I have tried weight loss programs before but have always come back to my old ways. I am so frusterated because I want to be healthy but it's just so hard when I have had so many "relapses" before. I feel like why eould it work for me now when it didnt in the past?Recently, I have been feeling extra upset about my self image. I just wish it was easy to get healthy. I get overwhelmed just thinking about exercising! Anyways, I am sooo inspired by your incredible weight loss journey. I have always looked up to you and now I do even more!! I was wondering how you got started? I feel like i might be ready to change. I'm sick of feeling like this. Thank you for blogging about your journey. you really have inspired me! Keep up your amazing work! I miss you!!

What is your journey that needs to be shared with the world? Trust me, it's something. And trust me in this...we are successful when we let people into our lives. When we love people through pain, and love them afterwards. When we let ourselves be loved by others, especially when it hurts.

-Liz