A fork in the road.

Sometimes a seemingly unimportant decision can change everything.

So I finally broke my stall with the scale. I am moving in the right direction again, and eating has become a little easier. I am able to tolerate cheese and dairy, and it is nice to chew again! Those protein shakes were starting to get a little boring.

I am down about 55 pounds, and I can really see it. And when I don't see it, other people see it in me. Like I said in my last blog, I am learning to trust my friends. So when I still feel like that hopeless fat girl that can't lose weight, I trust the process. And I trust my friends.

This whole thing has brought up so many raw emotions for me. In the past, when I felt emotional, I would stuff it down with my favorite foods. And then I would feel the discomfort and the guilt. And I would get emotional. And stuff it down with my favorite foods. That's the cycle.

But now, I couldn't do that even if I wanted to. My body would reject it. So instead, I am going outside and walking. Or working out, or lifting weights, or just (shocker!) letting PEOPLE into my emotions, and not just food.

A friend has challenged me to run a half marathon. When she asked me I certainly thought "Me? You must be texting the wrong person." But yesterday, we went running. It was the first time for me to be running outside in years. But she stayed with me, and we made it happen. It's amazing what happens when you don't go through life alone.

Half way down the trail, God showed me unconditional love in the form of the friendliest fawn and her two babies. Yes, I pet the deer on her head. Yes, she was licking my arm. No, that's not photoshopped.

How do I know it was God? Because God is in the details. And God is unconventional. And God knows that I don't pay attention. So He came near. And He made yesterday matter. This seemingly unimportant decision to go running with my friend brought me to a fork in the road. And I chose not to do life alone anymore. I am choosing to do life with others. And God came near.

It is much easier to think you can do it alone. Take it from me, I am independent to a fault. You can't. And honestly, easier is not better. This. This is better. This is an adventure. And what fun is experiencing adventure alone?

The half marathon is in March. I signed up today, terrified but faithful. Because my friend is with me. That's how I know I'm going to be ok. We all are!

"What kind of surgery are you having?"

What a harmless question, right?

Until you ask it of someone like me who is a bit ashamed of resorting to weight loss surgery to get healthy.

The process through insurance has been over a year for me. There are requirements that insurance needs to approve the duodenal switch surgery. For those of you thinking of weight loss surgery, here is what I have had to go through:

1. Primary care doctor visits documenting weight concerns for over a year.
2. Initial orientation with a team of nutritionists.
3. Weigh ins.
4. A sleep study.
5. A psychiatric evaluation.
6. Weigh ins.
7. Protein seminars.
8. Bariatric surgery consults.
9. Weigh ins.
10. Endoscopy and colonoscopy.
11. Hospital consultation.
12. Blood work.
13. More blood work.
14. Did I mention weigh-ins?

Don't get me wrong. I am thankful for the process because of one thing: they are operating on my digestive system, not my brain. My brain has to be ready for the change. The process has given me lots of time to process and thoughtfully consider what I am about to do.

This is known as the "DS" or, duodenal switch. It is
now considered the most effective surgery to
lose the weight and keep it off.

But it doesn't mean the insecurity and fear of judgment goes away. When I lost 75 pounds a few years ago, it was with blood, sweat, and tears. Lots of tears. At my lowest weight, I ended up needing lower back surgery. About two years after that, I needed upper back surgery. I was working out over an hour a day, 6 days a week rather faithfully. But I just couldn't get a handle on the eating. I allowed myself too many "cheat meals" and we all know, those turn into "cheat days" and "cheat weekends." And when you can't work out due to injury...you sit around a lot. And eat.

Want to know what's worse than being overweight? Losing 75 pounds and gaining it all back.

While some say surgery is the easy way out (and yes, I have heard this from well-meaning people), I must say, now that I am living in it and on day three of my liquid diet prep...it most certainly is not easy. And if I hadn't of had the year long preparation, I don't think my brain would be ready.

We have five days to go. And I apologize in advance to all of you that will be around me between now and Wednesday. Because I am perpetually hangry. Forgive me?

A healthy heart.

I've been reading through Henry Cloud books lately. He is a well known speaker, author, psychologist, general bad ass christian guy that keeps things very real. In this world, that's rare. In christian circles, it seems to be even more rare.

Is it ok for christians to admit to struggle? Yes. Do we practice that? No.

I am about halfway through his book "Safe People" and it's fascinating. He has this way of breaking down relationships that will make you nod your head in relief and be reminded that you are not crazy.  I wanted to share this. Read this list slowly, his list of the "Interpersonal Traits of Unsafe People" as follows:

1. Unsafe people avoid closeness instead of connecting.
2. Unsafe people are only concerned about "I" instead of "we."
3. Unsafe people resist freedom instead of encouraging it.
4. Unsafe people flatter us instead of confronting us.
5. Unsafe people condemn us instead of forgiving us.
6. Unsafe people stay in parent/child roles instead of relating as equals.
7. Unsafe people are unstable over time instead of remaining consistent.
8. Unsafe people are a negative influence on us instead of a positive one.
9. Unsafe people gossip instead of keeping secrets.

While this is not an inclusive list, I think he pretty much sums up the traits that can turn any relationship bad quickly. How many times have you been an unsafe person to someone else? I was SHOCKED to take a personal assessment of how many times I have done any of the above things to someone else. Now that doesn't make us unsafe people, it just means we are prone to treating each other in unsafe ways.

Healthy eating ultimately leads me to a healthy heart. And a healthy heart wants to be healthy in every way. This is a big part of that. It's not enough to work on the outside when the inside needs attention. I am taking stock of the food I eat. The work outs I do. But now, how about the thoughts I have? The way I treat others? The things I share? The things I keep private?

Still waiting for My Fitness Pal to develop an app to include my mind intake and my emotional intake. A healthy heart is a lot more than proper calorie intake.

-Liz

The thrill of victory immediately followed by...

The past 48 hours have been...a lot.
On Tuesday, I rode my first rollercoaster since I was 12. Why did I wait so long? Because since I was 12, I was just too big to fit.

Too big to fit. Feels like the story of my life.

But not anymore.

The pictures attached to this post are hilarious. And strange. I would love to say that I rode the Intimidator at Carowinds with the city of Charlotte in the distance, beneath me, feeling the thrill of victory.



I'm so excited! This is gonna be...easy?

 The truth is, I was scared to death. But we arrived at the park, and it was the first ride we did. Go big or go home, right? If you want to know how big the Intimidator is exactly, check this out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTl7Vdy9j0Q

I wish I could explain how crazy this was for me. And the ride itself wasn't the victory. The victory came when I sat next to my friend Lauren, and my legs fit into the molded plastic seat. My butt fit. The lap band fit easily. So then I started to cry. This has been an unattainable goal for me for the past 20+ years. Not anymore.



Thumbs up (stay calm...), thumbs up (stay calm...)

 So we started going up on the Intimidator. We are drying our eyes (good friends cry with you), and it was a good thing because common sense didn't have time to kick in. We are climbing FOREVER on this thing and close to the top I was wondering how could I get off this thing (remembering, oh yeah, I am scared of heights).

All I remember is my friend clawing my arm and me yelling at her "DON'T EVER LET GO!" I also remember completely coming out of my seat at two points in the ride because the drops were so huge. That's why, in the $10 Carowinds photo I bought (I would've paid a lot more to capture this moment, trust me), I look lost, confused, and maybe a little angry.

When it was over, all of my co-workers were clapping for me. They were genuinely excited to share this moment. As soon as the thrill was over, the nausea set in. So we went to get in line for the next ride, "Nighthawk." We waited about an hour, in which time I popped a Dramamine and tried my best to not sweat so much. This thing is like a superman ride where it lays you down flat and spins you like a corkscrew. Think harnesses and dentists chairs coupled with loops and spins.

Interested?

Apparently, it earned its name for a reason.

So we get to the platform at the front of the line, and I hear something splatter about 20 feet from me. Yes, someone threw up. Needless to say, this shook my confidence before getting on this thing. It was our turn, and I still hadn't recovered from the INTIMIDATOR (all caps means it's for real). So I go to sit in the seat, and I feel the big shoulder straps, and I immediately get right back up, start to shake my finger at it and say "Nope, nope, no..." and head for the exit. Before my friend could say "What's happening?" I was walking down the stairs and heading for the exit.

If anyone asks, this IS the face of victory. Or nausea.

The rest of the day, we rode the wooden roller coasters. These were MUCH more my speed. No upside down, no death drops, just scary enough. The big victory about this day though, is that I now have the CHOICE to ride rollercoasters if I want to. I don't have to make up excuses anymore of why I don't want to. I can if I want to! And if I just happen to get motion sickness from them or they are too much for me, so be it. But I can say yes or no.

THIS my friends, is victory.

And spoiler alert for tomorrow or whenever I can get to it...today I have had to make a reset in my weight journey. For a lot of reasons. I have gained 6 pounds back in the last month, I have lost focus on Jesus, and I have lost the confidence in myself to keep going. I just want to get into it in a separate post because this is already feeling long.

(enter cliffhanger soap opera music here)

-Liz

What a difference 72 pounds makes.

This week, I am at Blue Ridge Leaders' School with 20 of my Y kids, and 800 others from all over the southeast. This is my third trip to Blue Ridge, and let me give you some fun facts about what happens during a week here.


Here I am at Blue Ridge last summer with one of
my all-star kids, Ashley.

 A lot of walking. In the mountains. Stairs, trails, hills, valleys, and everything in between. Also, a lot of fitness classes. Everything from yoga to triathloning to ballroom dancing to soccer.

Imagine being the fat kid at fitness camp. That was me for the past two years - bringing kids up to this leadership and fitness school when there was no WAY I could do any of it. I could barely even walk up the mountain to the morning devotion site.

Every morning, we walk up a big hill. Seriously, it's big. Without fail, every morning, one of the kids from the flatlands of Florida will yell something out like "GIVE THE FLORIDA KIDS A BREAK!" It's a steep walk. Last year, I would walk all the way up, praying for a chance to pause in between so I could catch my breath, and be so winded on the way that I couldn't have a conversation. I would make it there, barely, and I would be sweating buckets in 75 degree mountain air.

And every day, there are classes. Workout classes. I would hide out as much as possible and avoid all of these classes because, after all, I can't do this. I realize how crude it sounds, and I am not making fun of myself at all, but making the point that I - for all practical purposes - was the biggest person here. And it was embarrassing. How could I ask my kids to do things that I couldn't do myself? What kind of a leader was that?



A picture I took with Blair yesterday.



What a difference a year makes.

This year, I walk up to the devotion site every morning and I can carry on a conversation all the way up. In fact, I am noticing other people around me that are more winded than I am. I can get down on the floor next to my kids and do sit-ups right beside them. I can hold a plank for a minute. I can do a perfect crunch. I am even walking all the way down the mountain every day and doing my own workout in my free time just because I can.

If it sounds like I am bragging, I am. I am so proud. I am so thankful that God has given me a second chance at this life. One of the instructors said this to me the other day: "One day, your body will not be able to do this. Today is not that day." I am so inspired by that, and when I am in the middle of a hundred squats, I think about that and thank God for the body I have. The strength, the movement, the miracle of God's creation.


I know a lot of people read this blog that don't know me. And maybe you are facing something that feels impossible to conquer. To be completely honest with you, I NEVER thought I would be the person to love exercise, find fitness important, and admit that I needed a change in my life. It is my hope that by making this private struggle so public that you might have the courage to face your fears, too.

Once we stop running, stare those fears in the face, and invite someone into it with us, it turns out that those fears aren't so powerful after all.

-Liz

I have something to tell you, but I don't want to end up in your blog.

A few weeks ago I was having a rough day. One of those down in the dumps, walking the valleys, tired of choosing to be healthy days. A day that might seem to only be fixed by Ben and Jerry.

My friend Whitney came into the Y and said "I have something to tell you, but I don't want to end up in your blog."

Oh, Whitney...you know I can't promise you that.

She said she had a dream that she was in an auditorium. The seats were packed. The woman speaking on stage was someone she didn't recognize, but when she began speaking, she realized that the woman had my voice. That woman was me, but she was so...thin.

Whitney said that the woman turned sideways and she was so thin, that she - that I - was unrecognizable as the old me. Whitney figured out that the people in the auditorium were my blog readers. That all those people had come to see me talk about my weight loss journey.

So how could I quit now? Ben and Jerry can't compare to the far reaching arms that I have been able to have in sharing my struggles. I've gotten so many emails lately at JUST the right time. I've gotten words of encouragement right when I needed them most, when I was one step away from eating too much, or believing lies, or losing interest in working out. Right then, God chooses to drop me a life line so I don't drown.

If today is one of those days that you feel like drowning and you think that  those Cafe Carolina blue cupcakes are the only thing that will heal the pain, please think again. Those cupcakes are actually the things weighing us down.

Yes. Pun intended.

-Liz

Can you see Jesus in the clouds?

My friend Dee and I have a saying - "kingdom clouds." Kingdom clouds are the white, fluffy clouds that you see in beautiful blue skies. Clouds that look so fluffy, you can only imagine the kingdom of God inside of them. Thick, white clouds that belong to God and just might have God right inside of them.

When we see kingdom clouds, it is the reminder of God on this earth, making something beautiful just for us.

On Sunday morning, I went for a run. I have one of those Nike GPS apps on my iPhone that will tell me pace every 5 minutes. Sometimes I love that lady's voice when she interrupts my playlist to tell me how fast I am going. Sometimes, I hate that lady's voice when she interrupts my playlist to tell me how SLOW I am going. On Sunday, I hated her voice.

But my run was great, and I was on the way back running down Two Creeks Road. I was running down the right side of the street, and another lady was running down the left side of the street. We were both going the same direction, so I saw her out of the corner of my eye as she passed me across the street. When I saw her I thought "ugh, come on...this lady is going so much faster than me. I am so slow."

My internal dialogue continued: "this is so frustrating! Why can't I be as fast as her?" I beat myself like this for a few more moments and then, a shift happened. "What am I doing? Quit being so hard on yourself and realize that you have just run 3 1/2 miles and you feel great! Your legs are strong, your heart is pumping, and your mind is getting sharper and sharper. You are doing awesome, stop beating yourself up!"

I am not kidding you...as soon as I realized that thought and decided to stop beating myself up, this woman, across the street and ahead of me, turned around mid-stride and gave me a thumbs up.

Did she know what I was thinking at that exact moment? No. But God did. Did she know I needed some encouragement? Maybe. But God definitely did. I saw Jesus in that lady jogger just like I see Him in those kingdom clouds. You see the same joggers and the same clouds that I do...but do you see Jesus in them like I do?

Do you see Jesus in the people and places around you? Do you know how badly God is trying to get your attention? This is a beautiful life, and when I stop beating myself up and look for Jesus, I get it. I really, really get it.

But, we have to stop beating ourselves up first.

-Liz

When you trip down memory lane

Last night I went to dinner with two of my favorite Young Life girls from Leesville High School. They are now women. Married, kids, and welcoming their 30s. It was one of those moments in time that just takes you back. And it really, REALLY took me back.

One of them said "I want to ask you a question, but before I do, I want to apologize if it's over the line." That statement already had me excited about what was next. She said "Do you wonder why your friends didn't encourage you to lose weight sooner?"

Hmm. I am still pondering this. When I started this weight loss journey, it wasn't my friends that encouraged me to do it. It wasn't a big moment in time where I knew something had to change, nothing percipatated it, nothing hit me as a rock bottom. For all intents and purposes, it was just - time to change.

Do I wonder why my friends didn't encourage me to lose weight sooner? Yes. I think about that quite a bit actually. Is there something about me that makes me unapproachable? Am I too tough? Am I too proud? Am I independent to a fault?

And this was the point in the dinner that I tripped down memory lane. I fell into that place of "I couldn't let anyone in, and I couldn't be told what to do. I still can't." And trust me, I struggle with this every day. This blog itself is a coping mechanism for me to let people in. To let down my guard and take in the good and the bad.

What will happen to all of us if we just...let people into the pain? If we weren't afraid of being ourselves to people, how would that change the world? And maybe more importantly, who is it in your life that needs to know that you struggle so that they can feel the freedom to struggle right there with you?

-Liz

Sometimes, you're just...done.

I am in a funk. And I am writing about it publicly. Because privately, too many of us struggle with the lows but publicly, we only declare the highs.

I am in a low. A serious low.

Today, I want to eat everything in sight. Today, I want to get a pizza from Salvio's and feel so full and satisfied and done. Today, I want to be done. Today I'm just...done.

This blog post doesn't have a happy ending or a revelation or an insight. This blog post is just a confession to remind me that the lows are still here. I have done so much and have gone so far, but today is a struggle. Today is a reminder that I am in a battle. There is something going on my mind that isn't reality, and there is a battle for me to believe that I am worth it and I can do this.

So what am I supposed to do? I have no idea. I think about the long-term future of this healthy eating thing and it makes me more exhausted than I can explain. I can't allow myself to think about that too much because it overwhelms me to where I want to quit.

So what am I going to do? I'm going to go to sleep pretty soon and pray that tomorrow will be a better day, that God would take away this funk I am in, and that I would find my joy again. This was a crappy post for me to write, but I hope that my honesty in this valley will encourage you to be honest when you're in your valley. Maybe you're already there. If so, you're right beside me, and I am whispering in your ear "This is temporary and we are going to find a way out."

-Liz

What are we hiding from?

I was just on myfitnesspal.com. It's a great website that tracks calories and exercises for you, and has lists of foods in and out of restaurants, etc. I have the app on my iphone and it has REALLY been a help.

ANWAYS...I was reading someone's blog post where they posted before and after pictures, in the mirror, of 33 pounds before and 33 pounds after. I was reading through all of the replies, the congratulations, etc. and there was one that REALLY got me. One woman replied to the photos by saying:

"Wow, I wish I had taken more before photos, but I was always trying to stay out of the picture."

Painful. Profound. Honest. It has me thinking the same thing. I never took before photos. I am still not taking photos. Why? I'm not scared to jump in a group photo. But I am scared of taking photos of my work in progress. Am I still trying to stay out of the picture?

Just a question of...what are we hiding from? Is it a person? Is it ourselves? Is it our potential? What are we afraid of?

I don't know the answers. I do know that, for me, sometimes it is painful to acknowledge change and be the center of attention. It's hard to take a compliment, and it's scary to find myself in a new reality. But it's the good kind of scary. Like a leap of faith. Like trusting someone. Like accepting love. Like accepting that someone loves me unconditionally.

I am losing weight because I am loved, not because I want to be loved. See the difference? After 35 years, I do.

-Liz