A fork in the road.

Sometimes a seemingly unimportant decision can change everything.

So I finally broke my stall with the scale. I am moving in the right direction again, and eating has become a little easier. I am able to tolerate cheese and dairy, and it is nice to chew again! Those protein shakes were starting to get a little boring.

I am down about 55 pounds, and I can really see it. And when I don't see it, other people see it in me. Like I said in my last blog, I am learning to trust my friends. So when I still feel like that hopeless fat girl that can't lose weight, I trust the process. And I trust my friends.

This whole thing has brought up so many raw emotions for me. In the past, when I felt emotional, I would stuff it down with my favorite foods. And then I would feel the discomfort and the guilt. And I would get emotional. And stuff it down with my favorite foods. That's the cycle.

But now, I couldn't do that even if I wanted to. My body would reject it. So instead, I am going outside and walking. Or working out, or lifting weights, or just (shocker!) letting PEOPLE into my emotions, and not just food.

A friend has challenged me to run a half marathon. When she asked me I certainly thought "Me? You must be texting the wrong person." But yesterday, we went running. It was the first time for me to be running outside in years. But she stayed with me, and we made it happen. It's amazing what happens when you don't go through life alone.

Half way down the trail, God showed me unconditional love in the form of the friendliest fawn and her two babies. Yes, I pet the deer on her head. Yes, she was licking my arm. No, that's not photoshopped.

How do I know it was God? Because God is in the details. And God is unconventional. And God knows that I don't pay attention. So He came near. And He made yesterday matter. This seemingly unimportant decision to go running with my friend brought me to a fork in the road. And I chose not to do life alone anymore. I am choosing to do life with others. And God came near.

It is much easier to think you can do it alone. Take it from me, I am independent to a fault. You can't. And honestly, easier is not better. This. This is better. This is an adventure. And what fun is experiencing adventure alone?

The half marathon is in March. I signed up today, terrified but faithful. Because my friend is with me. That's how I know I'm going to be ok. We all are!

"You are f**king worthy!"

A sign from my friend's classroom. Kids need to hear this.
So do we.

So I am two weeks out of surgery. My days are pretty basic right now. I have a few regimens I have to keep. I take 10 vitamins a day at very specific times. I have to find a way to get at least 80 grams of protein in and 100 ounces of water. No sugar, and no carbs. That is more challenging than it seems since I can't chug water or eat anything quickly. I eat with a baby spoon and it takes me about 30 minutes to try and eat an egg. But good news! I can eat an egg!

One of my favorite basic things right now is walking with friends. I have had great walks with great friends almost every day. Our bodies want to move, it's part of recovery. Most of these walks turn to deep conversation quickly, which I LOVE. Because let's be real...that's what matters most.

My friend and I were talking about life and love and how we settle for second best so much in life. We talked about this idea that people use love as currency. I will only give you as much love as you will give me, I will spend love like money, and I will withhold love like money. Why do we do that?

I think that all of us, in different seasons, have settled because we don't think we deserve more. That someone, somehow along the way, has put something in our heads to make us believe we don't deserve everything. I know I have. For years and years and years.  So instead of working through pain, I would stuff it down with food. Instead of reaching out to others, I would reach into a drive-thru window.

It's amazing what happens when the thing I used to always turn to for comfort, is no longer an option. I used to live to eat. Truly. Now, I am struggling to eat to live. Protein shakes are keeping me alive. And I am finding so much more comfort from people in my life. More than I ever dreamed I would. And that would not have happened if I didn't let go of the comfort I was seeking in food.

Let's not waste anymore time. Let's stop keeping a record of wrongs and start trusting each other. Let's spend love without caring about how much we get back. At the end of my walk on Tuesday, and our conversation around this, my friend declared "You are f**king worthy!" She is so right. We all are.

We all are.

When the boat splits from the dock.

When I was in high school, I worked at a young life camp in New York called Lake Champion. I was there volunteering for 5 weeks, and it was the best summer of my life for all the reasons. One of those transformational experiences that every 17 year old needs and longs for.

I worked in the kitchen, and on a break one day I went on a little boat ride across the lake with one of my staff friends. We got back to the dock so I could go back to work. Right at that time, all of the kids were getting out of club (which is like a big assembly) and about 500 of them were walking along the waterfront. 

I got up to hop out of the boat. I put one foot on the dock, and kept one foot in the boat. And I hesitated. I hesitated just long enough to look down and watch in slow motion terror as the boat split from the dock. And my legs split from each other. And the windmill arms started, and I took a swim.

I took a swim wearing jeans and kitchen gear (complete with apron). Have you ever tried to gracefully emerge from lake water in jeans and an apron? Don't.

The best part as I shimmied myself up onto the dock was the silence from 500 high schoolers on the waterfront. But then, the impending applause and general laughter at the balancing act they just got to see. To this day, watching windmill arms when someone's falling is one of my favorite things. Because when have windmill arms ever saved you from falling?!

The morale of the story? Don't hesitate. When you need to jump, jump. Don't waffle between where you were and where you're going. I am finding it so scary to navigate this new life that is revealing itself to me, because I don't trust it yet. I still think I will be the one medical anomaly for whom duodenal switch surgery doesn't work for. Even though I have lost 39 pounds since I started the program (and that's down 20 pounds since July 11th surgery date), I still can't picture what's to come as the scale continues to go down. And I still can't believe it's going to work, because I have lost weight before and then watched it come back.

The boat left the dock for me on July 11th. The good news is that I was safely drugged up on the dock when the boat left. I didn't have a choice to stay in it. Now I get to explore this new land that the dock is connected to.

Life with the boys

Shiloh (left) and Georgie (right).

Let me tell you, being 42 and single is hard. Very hard. I fight selfishness every day. When you don't have anyone to take care of outside of yourself, you become extremely self-reflective and self-critical. When you don't have other lives to care for, you tend to turn inward and isolated.

I've never been one of those girls that have thought "being married will complete me." I have enough friends that fight for their marriages and work hard to make it work to believe that marriage is the answer to loneliness. But being self-aware doesn't make loneliness less of an issue.

God has a way of making things simple when I overcomplicate my life. So in the midst of such a difficult season, he found a way to bring me two of the greatest gifts I didn't know I needed.

Enter Shiloh and Georgie.

To avoid a 3,000 word essay on why dogs are awesome, here are the lessons they have taught me about life. Lessons that work with dogs and people alike:

• Guilt is an effective motivator, but love is the lasting motivator. Shaming a dog can be a quick fix, but loving a dog with patience is a lasting one. Sound familiar?
• Unconditional love is a real thing. Love can be so simple. We just complicate it instead of being open and accepting it.
• It is good to care for someone other than yourself. These dogs run my schedule now and I LOVE it. Being forced to put the needs of something else first at times is good for my soul.

I do think animals are God's gift to us. A reminder of simple joy, and simple love. I hope that one day I can be the person that my dog thinks I am. For now, though, I am just loving life with Shiloh and Georgie and the ways they make my life softer and more simple.

Also, how can you say no to those faces?

Shiloh is 4 years old and loves me completely.
Other people, not so much!

Georgie just turned two and he is the town mascot
for Wake Forest! He fulfills his duty with honor.

Georgie is a therapy dog at our local retirement home.
It's the best part of my week to watch him with the
memory care patients.

"What kind of surgery are you having?"

What a harmless question, right?

Until you ask it of someone like me who is a bit ashamed of resorting to weight loss surgery to get healthy.

The process through insurance has been over a year for me. There are requirements that insurance needs to approve the duodenal switch surgery. For those of you thinking of weight loss surgery, here is what I have had to go through:

1. Primary care doctor visits documenting weight concerns for over a year.
2. Initial orientation with a team of nutritionists.
3. Weigh ins.
4. A sleep study.
5. A psychiatric evaluation.
6. Weigh ins.
7. Protein seminars.
8. Bariatric surgery consults.
9. Weigh ins.
10. Endoscopy and colonoscopy.
11. Hospital consultation.
12. Blood work.
13. More blood work.
14. Did I mention weigh-ins?

Don't get me wrong. I am thankful for the process because of one thing: they are operating on my digestive system, not my brain. My brain has to be ready for the change. The process has given me lots of time to process and thoughtfully consider what I am about to do.

This is known as the "DS" or, duodenal switch. It is
now considered the most effective surgery to
lose the weight and keep it off.

But it doesn't mean the insecurity and fear of judgment goes away. When I lost 75 pounds a few years ago, it was with blood, sweat, and tears. Lots of tears. At my lowest weight, I ended up needing lower back surgery. About two years after that, I needed upper back surgery. I was working out over an hour a day, 6 days a week rather faithfully. But I just couldn't get a handle on the eating. I allowed myself too many "cheat meals" and we all know, those turn into "cheat days" and "cheat weekends." And when you can't work out due to injury...you sit around a lot. And eat.

Want to know what's worse than being overweight? Losing 75 pounds and gaining it all back.

While some say surgery is the easy way out (and yes, I have heard this from well-meaning people), I must say, now that I am living in it and on day three of my liquid diet prep...it most certainly is not easy. And if I hadn't of had the year long preparation, I don't think my brain would be ready.

We have five days to go. And I apologize in advance to all of you that will be around me between now and Wednesday. Because I am perpetually hangry. Forgive me?

Practicing being brave

Practicing being brave because, clearly, this is not Georgie's
favorite situation to be in. But one day, it will be!

So my second dog, Georgie, just got back from "camp" for three weeks. What is camp you might wonder? He lived with a trainer for three weeks and worked on potty training, basic commands, and social anxiety. But as his trainer put it, he spent a lot of time "practicing being brave."

This phrase made me laugh at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought how perfectly it defines not just my dog's emotions, but mine. This practice is necessary for my shy dog because he is putting himself out there and meeting people when he would rather sit at home and play video games.

Wait, that's me.

Social anxiety in humans is mimicked in their dogs. I now have two dogs that struggle with new environments and comfort with new people. Ok God, I get it. So the three members of my household are now practicing being brave together. Today that meant that Shiloh, Georgie, and I went to the little main street in my town and sat on a bench while motorcycles, strollers, and people walked by. We even ran into a group of ladies leaving a Wednesday knitting club and they gave my dogs lots of practice! (told you I live in a small town)

That was great practice for Georgie and Shiloh. But what about me? Well, I practiced being brave today by pulling myself off the couch, turning off Vanderpump Rules, and going for a work out. I know it was brave because I didn't want to do it. I wanted to order a pizza. Or get Panera (and not the healthy kind of Panera). I get tired of the effort, and the journey, and the working out, and the not eating McDonalds. But being healthy is a daily choice. And right now, it is my daily practice of being brave.

It's easy to do what we've always done. But it's lonely. And to get what I've never had, I have to do what I've never done. Georgie and Shiloh say "AMEN!"

Oh and did I mention that Georgie starts training tomorrow to become a therapy dog? Imagine this face in hospitals and hospice facilities bringing joy into worlds of grief. I MEAN.

Nobody blogs from the valley

A few years ago, I lost 80 pounds. Rather publicly because I shared the journey and had a ton of accountability and it was amazing. A time worth blogging about.

Since then, sidelined by two back surgeries and a general loss of willpower and interest, I have gained back most of the wait. Rather quietly because I didn't share that journey and it was terrible. A time that no one blogs about because nobody blogs from the valley.

But guys great news! I have stopped the slide into complacency and I made a choice exactly seven days ago to focus on my health again. Walking out of the valley isn't going to be easy but I am no longer willing to stay there.

What happened seven days ago that clicked? Several things collided but one thing in particular is worth sharing. My friend reminded me of a show called "My 600lb Life." If you haven't seen it, it's on TLC and it shares a year in the life of someone who is trying to get their life back with weight loss surgery.

This show is extreme. People who let themselves reach that weight have lived extreme circumstances and cope with food in extreme ways. But I saw myself in those weight loss surgery patients. None of them ever thought they would weigh 600 pounds. They never stopped the slide into complacency.

The other great thing about the show is that it dives deep into the emotional and psychological reasons that we use food as a coping mechanism. Food has always been my drug of choice and I saw myself in all the conversations patients were having on this show.

Sharing the struggle is part of what will make me successful. The struggle is also the reason most of us stay quiet. I have really debated whether or not to start blogging again. There certainly is some embarrassment that I am not where I was. But if you know me, you know that I LOVE to embarrass my friends in public so it's time to let that embarrassment go and choose to be honest.

And if I can be ok with public embarrassment, maybe my friends will follow?

"If you don't like what they're saying about you...

Mad Men premieres TONIGHT!
(See what I did there? Talk about a
timely blog post.)

....then change the conversation."

Don Draper is so tragic. But so wise.

I have noticed lately how we can live our entire lives fulfilling what people say about us. I have noticed how for some, this is a blessing. For some, this is a curse.

Who in your life do you listen to? Who do you lend your ear to and who gets to speak into your life?

I am a recovering people pleaser. I say recovering, because I have realized how so many of my friendships in the past have been about the other person and not about me. I pinpointed this one night when I was explaining my lack of desire to open up to others to a group of friends.

"I just don't want to offer up information about myself that much." Yes, I said it in that wording. To which my friend said "Maybe because you consider sharing something you have to offer up, like it's painful to let go of it. When the reality is, people just want to know you."

Hmm. I have been unpacking that statement for years since. Wait a minute, people want to know me? Like, the real me? The me that I am when no one is looking? The me that I am when my guard is down? The me that I am when I am exhausted and emotional and just need to vent?

Yes, world, that is true. There are people that want to know YOU. The problem is, you are too busy being someone you're not because you think that's what people want. This fake, got-it-all-together, perfectly manicured, exhausting person that you project.

I know that, because that's what I think too. I don't know about you, but I'm getting tired of pretending like I have it all together. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, all of it. That mask is getting very, very heavy.

I propose that we change the conversation. Maybe drop the small talk once and a while and say deadly statements like "You know what? I'm really struggling" or "I can't lie to you, I don't have it all together" or even "I need your help."

Does that scare you as much as it scares me? Good...so when we start doing that to each other, we will both be gentle knowing that we have to do it, but we're afraid of it. And we can be afraid together.

-Liz