"God just wanted to slow you down!"

If I hear that one more time, I might kick someone with my good leg.

My faith has been shaken.

There. I said it.

It is still shaky. And I will tell you why.

Two steroid epidurals, icing, resting, and months of prayer from friends and family later...I am still the same. I can barely walk. My left leg constantly feels like it is on fire from pain shooting down my leg, and all week every week I grin and bear it. Every time I have to walk somewhere to pick something up from another office, or to go talk to someone, or to go to the bathroom, I have to give myself a pep talk. "You can do this. You can do this."

I can't do this.

Friends have been praying for healing. I wake up and I pray for healing. I have begged God. I have pleaded. I have written to him every morning. I have been faithful and obedient. I know he loves me. I know this is not the life he wants for me, especially when being active has been a lifeline for me and the catalyst for my weight loss.

But nothing has changed.

A week or so ago, days after my second epidural, I was doing better, so I biked. Nothing major. Nothing crazy. But only a few days after that, the pain returned to where I can't walk ten steps anymore without debilitating pain.

I can't stand up at church. I can't lay down comfortable at night. I can't go shopping with friends. It absolutely and completely sucks.

I've had to get creative with my down time. Time that
was once reserved for work outs is now reserved for
jigsaw puzzles and online sermon series.

I'm past the point of "God is teaching me patience." I am past the point of "God will heal you!" I am past the point of "God just wanted to slow me down to show me stuff!"

I think we all try to reason away pain because we simply don't understand it. Same thing with death. Ever notice how people have strange reactions to death? Some are inconsolable, some act like they knew the person way better than anyone else, some want to explain it, some want to move past it right away, some NEVER move past it the rest of their lives. We don't understand death because we were never created to experience death. 

The plan was for Adam and Eve to live forever. But sin screwed that up for everyone.

Now I don't think my back pain is some biblical warning against sin. But I do think it's just a crap situation for me and I wish more people would just sit in it with me rather than try to explain it, solve it, or reason it away by saying "God is teaching you something glorious!" It's also showing me how much I have reasoned away other people's pain instead of been beside them like they needed.

The awesome revelation here? People need YOU. Sometimes, they aren't looking for your answers. They are looking for YOU.

Once again, God is bringing beauty out of brokenness. But he didn't cause this brokenness. But I will be honest and say, I need some healing. Fast.

God hasn't healed me yet. Or allowed any significant help medically. And I'm pissed about that. But even in my shaky faith, I will pray. Because I know God can do all things. I just wish he would choose to heal my back. Monday, I have another appointment with my back specialist guy to see what's next, either another injection or options for surgery.

And so we keep praying.

-Liz

Nothing but grateful.

I was fortunate enough to go to our area's Young Life banquet last night. I saw SO MANY old friends. People I used to lead with, people I went to college with, women that have shaped my faith and walked with me through pain over the years, and kids that I know now who are experiencing Young Life for the first time like I did when I was in high school.

I was reminded how God uses other people to change our lives. And I was reminded to be grateful for that.

My whole life, God has been trying to talk to me through other people. In high school, a woman named Carol took an interest in me, asked me to come to Young Life, and that decision she made to show up at Unionville High School changed my life. And because of her faith, I have grown and God has used me to change the lives of others.

My recent back injury has been another great example of this. I had no idea of the support system I had until I was down and out. Just this morning I was able to wake up and go work out without my two hour time window to stretch and ice my back. I was so grateful to be able to walk, to feel my leg and back getting stronger, to be able to lift, to cycle, all of it.

But I am just as grateful for the people that care about me. So many people were asking about me, last night and this morning. I can't get over that. And it was a swift reminder of the things I complain about and am not grateful for.

See, tough people like me do NOT want to have to rely on others. But for the past few months, I have had to call on friends like never before. That's what happens when your toilet explodes or when you can't drive yourself home from a doctor's appointment.

I stole this picture from my friend Pam's facebook. Hopefully she's ok with it. Do I live my life being grateful? Not really. I complain about my wireless not being fast enough. My grocery store clerk for taking too long. My paycheck not having enough zeros.

Today I am going to practice the art of gratefulness. I'm going to suck at it, but I am going to keep trying. And to those of you that have encouraged me with your words, notes, texts, emails, and all points in between...you have turned this tough girl into a complete softie.

And I am grateful.

-Liz

Jesus in the grocery store

I am roommate-less for the next few weeks while my little sidekick Baby Dee is on vacation. Roommate-less sounds like it would be so great. Freedom! Freedom! Turns out I got too much...FREEDOM!

The reason I know this is because I went to the grocery store by myself on Sunday afternoon. First mistake. And I also went hungry. Second mistake. So I got all the fruits and vegetables I needed. Picked up some other fresh foods on the perimeter. Then, I ventured inland to the danger zone.

And there I was. Alone with the Entenmann's raspberry danish twist. Before I knew it, it was in my hands. I was reading the nutrition facts, praying to God that they had found some way to infuse the deliciousness with fiber and low fat goodness.



Quit your smiling, tough guy.



This is where it got weird. I looked up and saw a man walking towards me in the dairy section. His cart was filled with big foods. Big foods, to me, are like - whole turkeys. And cheeses. And bacon and sugary cereals and sweets and pastas. Big foods. And he was a big man. Probably 400+ pounds.

Then I heard God say "Liz, you are not going back to that. I won't let you."

So I dropped the raspberry danish twist. Then I pushed around my cart of kale and carrots and almond milk and 40 calorie bread. And then I pushed it in a circle and looked at the Entenmann's one more time. And then there was that man, one more time.

And then there was God saying "Just walk away. You are not going back to that."

So that was that. Grocery stores are my retail therapy, because food has always been my therapy. What a terrible therapist. Yesterday I survived. I hope today I make good choices, too.

The small things matter. If you forget that, remember this story. Because Jesus met me in the grocery store, so there is NO LIMIT to where He'll meet you.

-Liz

Cross your legs.

Trust me when I say, there are a thousand things going on in my head. I need to write a blog about how I am ACTUALLY losing weight, practical ways to do it. I need to write a blog about the self-discipline changes in my life, I need to write a blog about community and change and distance and fear but the topic that will win today is:

Crossing my legs.

It's crazy how I can't see the difference in my body like other people again. It just proves how skewed our view of ourselves is. I have lost 76 pounds since September. But there are days where I still feel that I look the same. The coolest indicator for me lately, however...is being able to cross my legs.

When I was in middle school I was in church choir. I remember that we had a special performance one year and all the girls were to sit at the front of the stage and our choir director instructed us to wear black skirts, and to sit with our knees together, or to cross one leg over the other so we all looked the same. Performance day came and I crossed my legs like the other girls and after the first set of songs, my mom discretely told me "don't cross your legs anymore, because the congregation can see a little too much."

Embarrassing at the time, but a reality now that my legs, since middle school, haven't been crossable since. And it's really only been in the last few months that the comfortable way for me to sit has been to cross my legs. You probably take that for granted. You also might take for granted the fact that you can sit in any chair with arms without wondering if you can fit in that chair. There is an average-sized world of people that has no anxiety over chairs, booths, seats, rides, and everything in between.

I look at my legs now, and I can't believe how awesome they look. I can't believe I can sit in a chair with arms and see extra room in the seat. Honestly. I don't think I'll ever get over how crazy that is. But I feel like such a bad ass when I cross my legs. I try to do it every chance I get.

I have a lot of years to make up for, after all.

-Liz

The thrill of victory immediately followed by...

The past 48 hours have been...a lot.
On Tuesday, I rode my first rollercoaster since I was 12. Why did I wait so long? Because since I was 12, I was just too big to fit.

Too big to fit. Feels like the story of my life.

But not anymore.

The pictures attached to this post are hilarious. And strange. I would love to say that I rode the Intimidator at Carowinds with the city of Charlotte in the distance, beneath me, feeling the thrill of victory.



I'm so excited! This is gonna be...easy?

 The truth is, I was scared to death. But we arrived at the park, and it was the first ride we did. Go big or go home, right? If you want to know how big the Intimidator is exactly, check this out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTl7Vdy9j0Q

I wish I could explain how crazy this was for me. And the ride itself wasn't the victory. The victory came when I sat next to my friend Lauren, and my legs fit into the molded plastic seat. My butt fit. The lap band fit easily. So then I started to cry. This has been an unattainable goal for me for the past 20+ years. Not anymore.



Thumbs up (stay calm...), thumbs up (stay calm...)

 So we started going up on the Intimidator. We are drying our eyes (good friends cry with you), and it was a good thing because common sense didn't have time to kick in. We are climbing FOREVER on this thing and close to the top I was wondering how could I get off this thing (remembering, oh yeah, I am scared of heights).

All I remember is my friend clawing my arm and me yelling at her "DON'T EVER LET GO!" I also remember completely coming out of my seat at two points in the ride because the drops were so huge. That's why, in the $10 Carowinds photo I bought (I would've paid a lot more to capture this moment, trust me), I look lost, confused, and maybe a little angry.

When it was over, all of my co-workers were clapping for me. They were genuinely excited to share this moment. As soon as the thrill was over, the nausea set in. So we went to get in line for the next ride, "Nighthawk." We waited about an hour, in which time I popped a Dramamine and tried my best to not sweat so much. This thing is like a superman ride where it lays you down flat and spins you like a corkscrew. Think harnesses and dentists chairs coupled with loops and spins.

Interested?

Apparently, it earned its name for a reason.

So we get to the platform at the front of the line, and I hear something splatter about 20 feet from me. Yes, someone threw up. Needless to say, this shook my confidence before getting on this thing. It was our turn, and I still hadn't recovered from the INTIMIDATOR (all caps means it's for real). So I go to sit in the seat, and I feel the big shoulder straps, and I immediately get right back up, start to shake my finger at it and say "Nope, nope, no..." and head for the exit. Before my friend could say "What's happening?" I was walking down the stairs and heading for the exit.

If anyone asks, this IS the face of victory. Or nausea.

The rest of the day, we rode the wooden roller coasters. These were MUCH more my speed. No upside down, no death drops, just scary enough. The big victory about this day though, is that I now have the CHOICE to ride rollercoasters if I want to. I don't have to make up excuses anymore of why I don't want to. I can if I want to! And if I just happen to get motion sickness from them or they are too much for me, so be it. But I can say yes or no.

THIS my friends, is victory.

And spoiler alert for tomorrow or whenever I can get to it...today I have had to make a reset in my weight journey. For a lot of reasons. I have gained 6 pounds back in the last month, I have lost focus on Jesus, and I have lost the confidence in myself to keep going. I just want to get into it in a separate post because this is already feeling long.

(enter cliffhanger soap opera music here)

-Liz

I'm riding a rollercoaster. And not the metaphorical kind.

Tomorrow, world, is a freaking crazy day. Tomorrow is a day that I never thought I would see. Tomorrow is a dream, a nightmare, a challenge, and a victory.

Tomorrow...I am riding rollercoasters.

Our Y director team is taking a trip to Carowinds for the day, and I have been preparing for it for kind of my whole life. No big deal.

The last time I rode a rollercoaster of any kind was at Hershey Park. I was probably...15 or 16. I remember vividly being in one of those swing things and sitting in them, or should I say, stuffing myself in them. The writing was on the wall. I imagined those chains breaking and launching me in the atmosphere and never being able to get out of that tiny seat again. Needless to say, that was the last ride for me.

So here we go, 20 years later. I would be lying if I said I didn't have any anxiety about this, because I do. Will I fit? Will I get to the front of the long line and be turned away by a smug Carowinds employee? Will the people around me wonder if I'm going to fit, and will they hope that I won't sit anywhere near them?

When I was starting the weight loss stuff, "riding a rollercoaster" was at the top of my list as my far-away, reaching goal. Because as hard as it might be to believe, I never thought I would see the inside of an amusement park again. Tomorrow, that day has arrived.

Big things are happening. No pun intended.

-Liz

My first spring break

Tomorrow I am going to a resort outside of Cancun, Mexico. It is a trip that I have been planning with three of my friends since March. This place is an all-inclusive resort with beaches, pools, spas, shows, restaurants, and all the other stuff.

This is my first spring break.

I have never gone on spring break like most typical people do. Not in high school, not in college. I have taken spring breaks, sure...but I have never done the beach thing. You know why. That would mean...bathing suits. Showing skin. Being self-conscious of my body, knowing I was the biggest one on the beach, jealous of "normal" people, and embarrassed to be the only person swimming with shorts on top of my bathing suit.

There are so many reasons I am excited for this trip tomorrow. I am excited to sit in the airplane seats. I will be able to put the armrests down and wear the seat belt comfortably! Some of you know how much of a victory this is. I will be able to fit in any beach chair, any lounge chair, wear a bathing suit and not be embarrassed.

I have a long way to go with my weight loss. But this trip is a celebration for me that I have come a long way. I need to celebrate this and not forget what God has done. I have never in my life taken a long beach trip with three girls. I have protected myself from this because it was just too embarrassing.

Not anymore, friends. Not anymore.

(side note: if you are the praying type and could remember to pray for me while we're gone, I need it. All-inclusive means...EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT. For me, it's like letting an alcoholic be in charge of a bar for 5 days. I need the prayer.)

-Liz

If your refrigerator could speak...

I went grocery shopping today since we were out of bananas. Yes my friends, this is always a tragedy.

I am painfully aware of the ways I use food as a coping mechanism for life's ups and downs. Food is there for me when I celebrate, when I mourn, when I am lonely, when I am in community, and truly every emotion in between.

The cool thing now, is to see how I use food in the moment. For instance, I was really hungry today after I worked out. (side note: it was also something like 325 degrees in NC today, so heat makes me want to stay indoors, watch Mad Men reruns, and eat everything in sight) When I was driving back from the Y, I passed Chipotle. Firehouse Subs. McDonalds. Wendy's. Taco Bell. Some new wings restaurant. I even went to Trader Joe's on an empty stomach.

That was my first mistake.

But the reason why all of today was cool, is that the old Liz would have made a b-line to any of the above drive-thrus and gotten my heart's desire. Even though I just ran 4 1/2 miles today, the crazy part of me would say "you deserve to eat whatever you want now!" Really? Do I really deserve that? Do I deserve to work my ass off and then eat my ass right back on?

Pardon the language, but honestly...is this not crazy to you?

Yet we all live this way. Maybe we eat great in public, ordering the half portions at Panera and only drinking water throughout the day, no sweets in the break room and always avoiding birthday cake. But maybe we then go to Harris Teeter and hit up the bakery like they are going out of business. We then go home, lock the door, close the blinds, screen the phone calls and watch Mad Men reruns.

I say this like I have done this before. Well, duh.

Here's the thing - the new Liz knows better. And I can't stress enough how much of a process this whole year has been. I maybe appeared healthy to the outside world, but secret eating was my JAM. I was the best at it. It made me so happy and then, 30 minutes later, it made me so sad. I would work out with my trainer and kill it in the gym, and then I would work out with McDonald's and kill it in front of the tv. Alone, alone alone.

Get the picture?

Let's cut it out with the secret stuff. Who is holding you accountable? Who is your support system? If you are trying to make ANY kind of change, believe me when I say that it won't last until you have someone that you trust walking through it with you.

And here is a little picture of accountability for all of you faceless friends that read my blog. A year ago, if you showed me this picture, I would say "it's a shame all those vegetables are going to go bad because who would ever eat BEETS?"

(Beets are a crazy superfood but are also crazy gross...but I put them in the Vitamix and I can't even taste them so that's what's up.)

If you don't have anyone holding you accountable, find one. Find ten. Find whatever it takes to help you when you don't think you need help. (For a stoonad like me, it takes a village.)

-Liz

365 Days with the 335 pound woman

So, I stumbled across a blog the other day called "365 Days With The 335 Pound Woman." I was so excited because I thought it would be an encouraging read. Another great success story to keep me going. My first red flag when I stumbled upon it? She hadn't posted in over 4 months.

I will say, that if I don't post on this blog for months at a time, something has gone wrong. This blog has become more about accountability and encouragement than anything else. I can't tell you the amazing feedback I've gotten. Shedding light on this struggle has taken the power of the darkness away. I think we all deal with something in our lives that needs more light shed on it. Amen?

Anyway, back to the 335 pound woman.

Basically, she lost about 60 pounds over the course of the year. Then her life changed. She hated her job, fell into depression, and started gaining weight back. After gaining back 25 pounds, she thought to herself "If you're not careful, you are going to gain all the weight back."

And over the next few months, she did just that. She gained all the weight back and then some. Do I need to tell you how frightening her story is to me?

So I wrote her an email. I hope she writes me back. She has fallen off the grid and her silence is deafening to a community of readers that are hoping she makes it so that they can believe in themselves to make it, too.

I want to believe in the 335 pound woman and I don't even know her name. The crazy thing is, I never believed in my own 325 pound woman that started this journey back in October. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. But the 335 pound woman's struggle is a reminder to me of one key thing:

THIS. IS. NEVER. OVER.

I can't get comfortable. I can't stop. I can't give up on myself on the days when this gets too hard. I can't eat whatever I want and use food to fill the hole in my heart that only God can fill.

THIS. IS. NEVER. OVER.

If you have a second, email that blog above. Remind the 335 pound woman that she can do it. Because whether we want to admit it or not, we cannot do it alone. Not now, not ever.

-Liz

I have something to tell you, but I don't want to end up in your blog.

A few weeks ago I was having a rough day. One of those down in the dumps, walking the valleys, tired of choosing to be healthy days. A day that might seem to only be fixed by Ben and Jerry.

My friend Whitney came into the Y and said "I have something to tell you, but I don't want to end up in your blog."

Oh, Whitney...you know I can't promise you that.

She said she had a dream that she was in an auditorium. The seats were packed. The woman speaking on stage was someone she didn't recognize, but when she began speaking, she realized that the woman had my voice. That woman was me, but she was so...thin.

Whitney said that the woman turned sideways and she was so thin, that she - that I - was unrecognizable as the old me. Whitney figured out that the people in the auditorium were my blog readers. That all those people had come to see me talk about my weight loss journey.

So how could I quit now? Ben and Jerry can't compare to the far reaching arms that I have been able to have in sharing my struggles. I've gotten so many emails lately at JUST the right time. I've gotten words of encouragement right when I needed them most, when I was one step away from eating too much, or believing lies, or losing interest in working out. Right then, God chooses to drop me a life line so I don't drown.

If today is one of those days that you feel like drowning and you think that  those Cafe Carolina blue cupcakes are the only thing that will heal the pain, please think again. Those cupcakes are actually the things weighing us down.

Yes. Pun intended.

-Liz

What are the three greatest words in the English language?

Notice she says "we"...not "I".

Last week I bit the bullet and posted some pictures of my weight loss progress. In previous posts that I felt like, man, this is good, and I hope people respond...I would get 200 or 300 hits over the course of a month and I thought that was huge.

If that was huge, the feedback to this last post is...monstrous.

I have been checking it every day, and almost 4,000 people have looked at it - since Tuesday. I don't think numbers are a sheer gauge of success. What I do think, however, is that there are conversations starting amongst people that I don't know. Thoughts are spinning. Minds are wondering. Can I do this? Why can't I get a handle on this in my own life? Why haven't I given this part of my life up to God yet? Why am I trying to do this alone?

People have responded to me. People from my past. Old Young Life girls that I used to lead when they were in high school, old friends that I went to high school with, people that knew me so well at one point in my life but now we have drifted apart, and people that I barely know but see in my daily life here in North Carolina.

Is it weird that I am this honest and strangers know my deepest struggles on this blog? Yeah, it's weird. But at this point in my life, it is weirder to NOT be honest about something we ALL struggle with. And to be allowed to start the conversation and encourage others to do the same.

I heard once that the three greatest words in the English language are "Yeah, me too." If you are reading my blog, and you realize you aren't alone in your struggle, then we are ALL succeeding. We can't do life alone. We weren't created to, and it doesn't work when we try to.

Wondering if you can do it? If you can make a change and realize you are WORTH MORE? Yeah, me too.

-Liz

When you trip down memory lane

Last night I went to dinner with two of my favorite Young Life girls from Leesville High School. They are now women. Married, kids, and welcoming their 30s. It was one of those moments in time that just takes you back. And it really, REALLY took me back.

One of them said "I want to ask you a question, but before I do, I want to apologize if it's over the line." That statement already had me excited about what was next. She said "Do you wonder why your friends didn't encourage you to lose weight sooner?"

Hmm. I am still pondering this. When I started this weight loss journey, it wasn't my friends that encouraged me to do it. It wasn't a big moment in time where I knew something had to change, nothing percipatated it, nothing hit me as a rock bottom. For all intents and purposes, it was just - time to change.

Do I wonder why my friends didn't encourage me to lose weight sooner? Yes. I think about that quite a bit actually. Is there something about me that makes me unapproachable? Am I too tough? Am I too proud? Am I independent to a fault?

And this was the point in the dinner that I tripped down memory lane. I fell into that place of "I couldn't let anyone in, and I couldn't be told what to do. I still can't." And trust me, I struggle with this every day. This blog itself is a coping mechanism for me to let people in. To let down my guard and take in the good and the bad.

What will happen to all of us if we just...let people into the pain? If we weren't afraid of being ourselves to people, how would that change the world? And maybe more importantly, who is it in your life that needs to know that you struggle so that they can feel the freedom to struggle right there with you?

-Liz

"I just bought the cutest outfit at Old Navy!"

You would hear this all day every day from most people in the world. You would NEVER hear this come out of my mouth. Until now.

Today, I shopped. Today, I tried things on. Today, I had a variety of things I COULD try on. I could put things back, I could pass over things, I could check prices, I could shop a size....smaller. Things were too big. And I found a cute outfit, and I bought it.

What the heck is happening to me?

I can't believe this journey sometimes. It is all together heartbreaking, glorious, unbelievable, painful, joyful, and most of all - life altering. Every day is something new. And today, for some reason that only God will be able to reveal to me eventually, today I had conversation after conversation about "how I did this."

People want to know how I did it. What's the trick? What's the secret? The tricky secret is that I get to talk about Jesus. I get to tell people that I wasn't ready to change until I knew I was worth changing. That I was made for more. That Jesus loved me more than anyone, and that He loved me too much to leave me the way I was...unwilling to change.

Is this the hardest thing I have ever done? Yes. Is this the most painful thing I've ever gone through? Yes. But is this the greatest story of God's redemptive hand on my life so far? Oh, hell yes. (that's right, I cursed. Get off me.)

Oh by the way, I took off my "pounds lost" tracker from here. Not because it's not important, but because I was making that number too important and giving it too much power.

But hey, there's something in ALL of our lives that has too much power over us, isn't there? Cut it loose.

-Liz

A birthday without cake

Yesterday was my 36th birthday. I feel super old. Let's just get that one out of the way.

It was a HARD day for me, and I couldn't really figure out why. I had a good night with great friends, I had a good workout, I was with some ladies from church at a baby shower...it should have been a day of celebrating life. I mean, I am almost 70 pounds lighter and certainly more secure in Jesus, so what's the deal?

Can I be honest? You know what the best part about a birthday is? You know what the best part of any celebration is? CAKE. FOOD. PARTY. FOOD. CAKE. ICE CREAM. CAKE. This year...no cake. No ice cream. No fun.

The thought crossed my mind yesterday that crosses all of our minds sometimes: "It's my birthday. Why can't I have cake? I deserve it. This is so stupid."

I have lived 35 years that way, thinking about what I deserved, and indulging in every single thing that I thought I deserved. That put me into a mental state that is pretty frightening as I look back on it. Let me be clear...food itself won't make us sick. Using food as a substitute for God...will. And that's what I did.

• Did I need comfort? -food
• Was I bored? - food
• Was I sad? - food
• Was I sick? - food

Was I lonely, happy, with people, alone, depressed, elated, celebrating, mourning, worried, anxious, afraid? Food, food, food.

Is that the life that I truly deserved?

So, although yesterday was hard, I am glad that I did NOT use food to celebrate, to comfort, to entertain, and to numb. Instead, I am staying in the fight and acknowledging that high fructose corn syrup will not give me life. Jesus will. Red dye #6 will not heal my hurts. Jesus will. Enriched bleached flour will not walk beside me in the midst of pain. Jesus will.

This...THIS is the life that we truly deserve.

-Liz

The Road Less Traveled

I had a very interesting day. Two big things happened, and I can't tell which is more newsworthy.

Ok, so this first picture is of me with some of my high school friends doing some team building activities today. The notable thing in this picture is, however...my shorts.

I have had these shorts for a while. Mostly as a joke for skits about working out and wearing too-tight clothes. See, I could never wear shorts like this. And if I did. I couldn't move at all in them for fear of splitting my shorts. Most embarrassing moment.

But now, I can. This is a crazy thing to me. I have always worn LONG shorts. Boy shorts. Because they hide my legs. Now I am finding, all this working out is paying off and my legs look...tough. They are going to get tougher, but they are already taking shape. This is a crazy thing, my friends. To hide your body your whole life and then be ok to show off, even if it's just legs...this is victory. My joke about becoming more promiscuous as I lose weight just might not be a joke anymore.

Just kidding, Mom.

The other big thing that happened today? I ran 6 miles. Down this trail. The American Tobacco Trail. It can be boring, it can be monotonous. But for me today, it was a time for reflection with me and Jesus. As I was running, I was thinking about where I came from, what I have been doing to get where I am, and the things that I think now that I NEVER thought I would think.

Could I ever not sit on the couch and snack while watching tv? Could I ever stop going to food for comfort? Could I ever enjoy exercising and not just want it to be done? Could I ever see God in the midst of all of this?

It's amazing how God has taken me on a road that I never thought I would travel. I don't know when it happened, or when my heart changed, but things are moving from my head to my heart, and this is a victory.




It's time to travel down a new road.  Let's do it together. I'm really fun on road trips. Try me.

-Liz

Sometimes, you're just...done.

I am in a funk. And I am writing about it publicly. Because privately, too many of us struggle with the lows but publicly, we only declare the highs.

I am in a low. A serious low.

Today, I want to eat everything in sight. Today, I want to get a pizza from Salvio's and feel so full and satisfied and done. Today, I want to be done. Today I'm just...done.

This blog post doesn't have a happy ending or a revelation or an insight. This blog post is just a confession to remind me that the lows are still here. I have done so much and have gone so far, but today is a struggle. Today is a reminder that I am in a battle. There is something going on my mind that isn't reality, and there is a battle for me to believe that I am worth it and I can do this.

So what am I supposed to do? I have no idea. I think about the long-term future of this healthy eating thing and it makes me more exhausted than I can explain. I can't allow myself to think about that too much because it overwhelms me to where I want to quit.

So what am I going to do? I'm going to go to sleep pretty soon and pray that tomorrow will be a better day, that God would take away this funk I am in, and that I would find my joy again. This was a crappy post for me to write, but I hope that my honesty in this valley will encourage you to be honest when you're in your valley. Maybe you're already there. If so, you're right beside me, and I am whispering in your ear "This is temporary and we are going to find a way out."

-Liz

Feeling left out?

Today I met a friend for lunch at a restaurant that I would consider...an old friend. This particular restaurant has a bakery, with cupcakes that are THE BOMB. In fact, I used to drop by this restaurant at night and order dinner to go, only so I could justify the purchase of a six pack of cupcakes. I would go home, watch tv, mindlessly eat the dinner, and then eat cupcakes until I was painfully full. Sometimes that was 4. Sometimes it was 6. Yes...6 cupcakes. I just did the math on the calorie count for those cupcakes. Each one is 360 calories.

So on a particularly lonely night, that would add up to 2,160 calories. Of cupcakes.

I used to feel left out a lot. In the beginning of this journey, I would look around at restaurants of people eating whatever they want. I would go to the grocery store and resist the candy aisle. I would see people at concession stands, drive-thrus, parties, and work events just eating...whatever they want. Why can't I do that too? I felt SO LEFT OUT. It's not fair that they get to eat whatever they want and I don't.

But here's what I have realized today, as I was sitting in the middle of a restaurant that was a BAD old friend to me. It's not that I can't eat what I want...it's that what I WANT TO EAT is now so much different. What I wanted to eat in my old life was a temporary sugar high to make me feel better. What I wanted to eat in my old life was something to stuff down my real feelings.

What I want to eat now, however, is something to keep me healthy and strong. What I want to eat right now is food that I won't abuse, that won't become the center of my life, and that I can enjoy without letting it be the center of my world.

I guess it's hard to admit that food was the center of my life. But if I'm honest, I have to admit that so I can move on from it. And today, at lunch with my friend, I didn't feel left out from the others around me eating whatever they wanted. I felt empowered that I was able to choose my health over my cravings.

And honestly...don't we all deserve that for ourselves?

-Liz

The moment you know you're successful...





Ok, so, lately I have been wondering...is it possible that I am actually doing this? I have lost 66 pounds, and there are moments that I still wonder if I am being successful. Is anyone reading my blog? Am I helping anyone? Am I making a difference? Then...I got this fb message and it answered my questions. It also made me cry.



Before you read it, I want you to think about how YOU can change the lives of people around you. Your way will be different than mine, but it will be the way that works for you and the people in your life. I have beaten over the head lately with the fact that people need encouragement, and it is my job to do that. It's your job too. Now check out this great message:

Hey Liz! I have been reading your blog recently and literally everything you write I can relate to. I always thought I was the only one who felt all those feelings. Knowing that I'm not alone makes me feel so much better. I have tried weight loss programs before but have always come back to my old ways. I am so frusterated because I want to be healthy but it's just so hard when I have had so many "relapses" before. I feel like why eould it work for me now when it didnt in the past?Recently, I have been feeling extra upset about my self image. I just wish it was easy to get healthy. I get overwhelmed just thinking about exercising! Anyways, I am sooo inspired by your incredible weight loss journey. I have always looked up to you and now I do even more!! I was wondering how you got started? I feel like i might be ready to change. I'm sick of feeling like this. Thank you for blogging about your journey. you really have inspired me! Keep up your amazing work! I miss you!!

What is your journey that needs to be shared with the world? Trust me, it's something. And trust me in this...we are successful when we let people into our lives. When we love people through pain, and love them afterwards. When we let ourselves be loved by others, especially when it hurts.

-Liz

"You look skinny..."

Today is an epic day. For most people, it's a common, everyday thing. But for me, today is the first day that I have ever done this:

I shopped at Marshall's, found a dress, tried it on, loved it, and bought it.

I shopped somewhere that regular women shop. It wasn't online where you can get plus sizes, it wasn't at a store specifically made for larger women, and it wasn't the dress I had to buy because I had no other options that would fit me.

I was with two of my best friends, and we were shopping. We were talking about colors and fabrics and cuts and fit and prices and labels and where we could wear outfits to. I was being...a girl. Is this what it's like to go shopping with your friends? This is something I have never experienced.

I know that sounds crazy. But imagine it. Would you want to go shopping with your girlfriends when you can't fit into anything in the store? On the rare occasion that I would go shopping with friends, you could find me in the earrings section, or the hats, or any other accessory in which size didn't matter. But most of the time, you would find me waiting outside, or in the bookstore next door, or any other place that I felt like I could fit in and I didn't have sales girls judging me, thinking "Why is she in here? We have nothing that fits her..."

But not today. Today is a big step. Today is a milestone. Today is a day that I stepped into a dressing room, tried on a sleeveless black dress, and was surprised. Pleasantly. I look different now. I can wear something sleeveless without a sweater over it.

To top off this epic day...one of the little girls at our after school, Penelope, looked up at me and said "You look skinny." She's ten, and has no concept yet of being a complimentary, encouraging friend, even when it might not be true. That's why I know things are changing. And that's why this feeling tastes sweeter than any food I can turn to for comfort.

Come on, world. We're making moves.

-Liz

Fat Girl in a Thin Girl's Body

I have had some unbelievable conversations with people this week. My head is all over the place. But the common thread of all of these God-focused, wondering questions is this:

Will I think like a fat girl even when I approach my goal weight?

I know. Saying that is socially unacceptable. It's not politically correct. I'm not meaning to be disrespectful, and I kind of think I can use this terminology because I have carried the fat girl flag my whole life. But just roll with me here.

In my life, as a fat girl, I have fought these perceptions and thoughts. I have thought this about myself, and I have heard people say this to me

• I got this way because I don't care about myself.
• I have to be funny to be liked.
• No one can understand how I feel, so I shouldn't bother.
• My problem is worse than anyone else's problem.
• I am lazy.
• I can't change.
• I will never be loved.
• I will always be alone.
• I'm gross.

Yikes. That's a hard list to admit to. But here's the thing: when (not if), when I lose 100 pounds, I can still have ALL of these same  problems. I can still believe I will never be loved, I can still put myself in this self-imposed loneliness where no one can come in. I can be a fat girl in a thin girl's body.

See, we can fix the outside all we want. We can quit that, we can start this, we can lose weight, we can buy that, we can learn whatever. But the inside, the heart...is still the same. Someone that I love and respect, who I consider to be naturally-thin, said to me this week "It really hurts me that you won't let me into this with you. I know that you feel like I could never understand, but that's just not fair." And she was SO RIGHT.

I am not at my goal yet. That doesn't really matter. I am not a "thin girl" yet. And even that doesn't matter. Let me tell you how I feel now:

• I care too much about myself to stay this way. So does Jesus.
• I don't have to be funny to be liked. I am dearly loved by Jesus. (being the funniest person I know is just a side effect of my bad-assness)
• People want to know me. More importantly, Jesus knows my every struggle and darkest places of my heart and loves me more than ever.
• My problem is a challenge, and an opportunity to see Jesus in the midst of pain.
• I am not lazy. I am choosing victory, one day at a time so I don't get overwhelmed.
• I can change. And I have. And I will continue to.
• I am already loved. I was loved before I was even born by the Creator, by my Dad.
• I am never alone. And I will never be alone.
• I'm gross. (only when I burp, and that's just some people's opinions)

You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same. You are amazing, God.

-Liz