"You look skinny..."

Today is an epic day. For most people, it's a common, everyday thing. But for me, today is the first day that I have ever done this:

I shopped at Marshall's, found a dress, tried it on, loved it, and bought it.

I shopped somewhere that regular women shop. It wasn't online where you can get plus sizes, it wasn't at a store specifically made for larger women, and it wasn't the dress I had to buy because I had no other options that would fit me.

I was with two of my best friends, and we were shopping. We were talking about colors and fabrics and cuts and fit and prices and labels and where we could wear outfits to. I was being...a girl. Is this what it's like to go shopping with your friends? This is something I have never experienced.

I know that sounds crazy. But imagine it. Would you want to go shopping with your girlfriends when you can't fit into anything in the store? On the rare occasion that I would go shopping with friends, you could find me in the earrings section, or the hats, or any other accessory in which size didn't matter. But most of the time, you would find me waiting outside, or in the bookstore next door, or any other place that I felt like I could fit in and I didn't have sales girls judging me, thinking "Why is she in here? We have nothing that fits her..."

But not today. Today is a big step. Today is a milestone. Today is a day that I stepped into a dressing room, tried on a sleeveless black dress, and was surprised. Pleasantly. I look different now. I can wear something sleeveless without a sweater over it.

To top off this epic day...one of the little girls at our after school, Penelope, looked up at me and said "You look skinny." She's ten, and has no concept yet of being a complimentary, encouraging friend, even when it might not be true. That's why I know things are changing. And that's why this feeling tastes sweeter than any food I can turn to for comfort.

Come on, world. We're making moves.

-Liz

Fat Girl in a Thin Girl's Body

I have had some unbelievable conversations with people this week. My head is all over the place. But the common thread of all of these God-focused, wondering questions is this:

Will I think like a fat girl even when I approach my goal weight?

I know. Saying that is socially unacceptable. It's not politically correct. I'm not meaning to be disrespectful, and I kind of think I can use this terminology because I have carried the fat girl flag my whole life. But just roll with me here.

In my life, as a fat girl, I have fought these perceptions and thoughts. I have thought this about myself, and I have heard people say this to me

• I got this way because I don't care about myself.
• I have to be funny to be liked.
• No one can understand how I feel, so I shouldn't bother.
• My problem is worse than anyone else's problem.
• I am lazy.
• I can't change.
• I will never be loved.
• I will always be alone.
• I'm gross.

Yikes. That's a hard list to admit to. But here's the thing: when (not if), when I lose 100 pounds, I can still have ALL of these same  problems. I can still believe I will never be loved, I can still put myself in this self-imposed loneliness where no one can come in. I can be a fat girl in a thin girl's body.

See, we can fix the outside all we want. We can quit that, we can start this, we can lose weight, we can buy that, we can learn whatever. But the inside, the heart...is still the same. Someone that I love and respect, who I consider to be naturally-thin, said to me this week "It really hurts me that you won't let me into this with you. I know that you feel like I could never understand, but that's just not fair." And she was SO RIGHT.

I am not at my goal yet. That doesn't really matter. I am not a "thin girl" yet. And even that doesn't matter. Let me tell you how I feel now:

• I care too much about myself to stay this way. So does Jesus.
• I don't have to be funny to be liked. I am dearly loved by Jesus. (being the funniest person I know is just a side effect of my bad-assness)
• People want to know me. More importantly, Jesus knows my every struggle and darkest places of my heart and loves me more than ever.
• My problem is a challenge, and an opportunity to see Jesus in the midst of pain.
• I am not lazy. I am choosing victory, one day at a time so I don't get overwhelmed.
• I can change. And I have. And I will continue to.
• I am already loved. I was loved before I was even born by the Creator, by my Dad.
• I am never alone. And I will never be alone.
• I'm gross. (only when I burp, and that's just some people's opinions)

You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same. You are amazing, God.

-Liz

You can't do it alone. You'll try, but you'll fail.

Today's a big day. Today I went down a t-shirt size in my "official" Y tees.

Now, this might not be a big deal to you, but consider this: I have worn a 2XL t-shirt since high school. Yes, HIGH SCHOOL. For most of my shirts, I even had to do that trick where you stretch em out, you pull em out, you make sure they are baggy around the stomach area, all of that, so that people might not notice that you wear a 2XL. I know some of you are nodding your heads in agreement. Preach on, sister.

But right now as a I type this, I am wearing an XL. I can't believe it. And even more than the scale, this seems like a huge victory. Not only that, it's an XL that I didn't have to stretch out, pull out, and manipulate to hide my bulging stomach.

This morning I was taking a group fitness class. Kickboxing. And as we were doing the 13,000th jumping jack, I looked around and had a pretty amazing reflection time on my journey so far. If I could give anyone a piece of advice, it is this: You can't do it alone. You'll try, but you'll fail.

See, I have tried this weight loss thing for 15 years. Alone. And I even lost weight with a friend a few years ago, but when that friendship hit some very rocky ground, you can guess what I turned to. Food has been my constant companion my whole life. So, I have learned that, when I am alone, I will fail. Most of us try to do big changes alone because we are tough. We are embarrassed. We don't want people to know what's really going on. News flash - people WANT TO KNOW YOU. And chances are, you're not being as secretive as you think you are. People know you need help. And you can't do it alone.

If you're really trying to lose weight, heck, if you're really trying to make any change at all, you need to surround yourself with accountability. And here is my top ten practical list, which might give you a place to start:

1. I have a trainer who weighs me in every week. She sees my weight. YES, that was the scariest thing in the world a few months ago. Lots of tears. But LOTS of hugs, and lots of accountability.
2. I have a few work out friends. We do group fitness, or we run together, or at the very least, check in with each other every week.
3. I use myfitnesspal.com and track my calories and exercise. Free app for your phone. It's the bomb.
4. I meet with two women every week over coffee and donuts (just kidding about the donuts). We are all in the weight loss journey, and we talk about struggles and victories and the book "Made to Crave".
5. I host a Made To Crave bible study at my house on Thursday nights.
6. I keep a food journal with my best friend. She is naturally thin, but she loves me and wants to be in this with me, and it really, really helps. When you let someone know your struggle like that, it takes friendship to this level you would not believe.
7. I write this blog. Which, believe it or not, keeps me CRAZY accountable. I can't just quit and continue to share in this journey that would be an epic failure, now could I?
8. I gave away all of big clothes. No safety net.
9. I don't go thru drive-thrus. Ever. I know my limits. The danger of them asking "Is that all?" - that question is always answered with, "Well, what about another cheeseburger, sure!"
10. I commit myself to Jesus every single day. Every day. Letting go of this stronghold in my life has been quite a struggle, but God knows me better than I know myself. And He wants in. Write about it, pray about it, read about it, just be alone with God.

Maybe one of those will help you get started. Let's face it, we all need to get started on the path to something. And taking a friend with you assures you can get there.

-Liz

Thanks for the memories, Facebook

A funny thing happened to me on Facebook this week.

My favorite place on earth is Lake Champion, a Young Life camp in Glen Spey, New York. I met Jesus there in high school, have worked there for several summers, and have seen some of the best high schoolers I know learn about Jesus there. I have unbelievable memories of that place starting in 1993 (yes, I am that old, and am now realizing that some of you weren't even born yet).

So, Lake Champion has been posting old pictures from camping on their Facebook page. One of my friends tagged me in this gem right here. It's from 1993, I was 17, and there for five weeks volunteering one summer. The same day I was tagged in the photo, one of my friends from work posted this: 


"Wow! Look at you there! You look amazing in just a couple of short months....keep up the good work!"


I can only assume...she thought this was a picture of me that was taken a few months ago, pre-weight loss journey. Two GREAT things about this mistake: 1. I am thinner now than I was in high school and 2. I am aging REALLY well. I mean, REALLY well.

It did put me in a wonderful place of reflection. This morning I took a few hours to hike in Umstead Park, to listen to God, and to reflect on where I have come from. It's amazing. I found this picture, taken a few years ago, and I barely know that girl anymore.


We have to remember to reflect in the midst of these adventures we are on. Otherwise, we'll forget what God has done. Have you ever been sick, and you think "If only I felt better...God, this is the worst." But then you get better, and you forget how great it is to feel good? We do that to God, too. We forget His blessings, we forget His mercy, we forget His love.


Take a day to just be with God. Remove yourself from the busyness of life and reflect. You'll remember where you've come from, and you'll be reinvigorated to move ahead!


-Liz

Doing some professional reflecting in Jamaica last week.

When friends just don't understand

Just got back from our weeklong missions trip to Jamaica, that's why I have been silent. But trust me, my mind has been racing with thoughts of God, life, process, weight, forgiveness, friendship, accountability, expectations, perfection, and reality.

Are you as exhausted as I am reading that list?

Today, I weighed in with my trainer and, to date, I have lost 61 pounds! DANG! I am so excited, especially since I ate everything in sight while we were in Jamaica. But it certainly got me thinking about food and my social life. I thought I would share some well-intentioned words I've had from friends recently:

1. Have this brownie, you have been working so hard! You deserve it!
2. Don't let this weight thing affect your social life.
3. I think you're taking yourself too seriously.
4. You're going to be so pretty!
5. Hey trust me, I'm trying to lose a few pounds myself, but I don't let it affect my time with friends.
6. Just substitute chips with some delicious carrots! They have the same crunch and satisfy your desire to snack! (this one is my favorite...)

Let me repeat, these are words from my well-intentioned friends. Friends that love me and want to encourage me. They are not trying to beat me up, tear me down, stop my progress, or hurt my feelings.

It is, however, a reminder, that my naturally thin friends just don't understand. And I cannot fault them for that. How could a sober person understand an addict? How can I make them see that food can be an addiction just like anything else? So...I smile, and thank them, and go on my merry way, but inside, it does feel lonely. It feels unfair, it feels isolating.

But today I am living in this 61 pound victory. Today I am celebrating being able to fly on an airplane with the armrest down and the seatbelt having extra room. That is a victory that some of you can relate to, but some cannot. To be comfortable in a world that has always felt too small for me is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. I can't wait to see what's next.

-Liz

It's not about the pizza. It's about what the pizza represents.

Last night I was on the phone with my friend, having yet another conversation where I am trying not to cry, trying to get over it, trying to be ok with this new lifestyle of mine. I had just gotten back from a 4 day work event, and while I was gone, I kept thinking "I can't wait to go home, sit on my blue couch, and eat a whole pizza."

I told my friend about this, and her response was "yeah, but once you eat that pizza, that ten minutes of enjoyment turns into a regret of over 1,000 calories."

Her response was absolutely correct, but really bothered me. It bothered me because, I am asking my naturally thin friend to understand this important point: It's not about the pizza. It's about what the pizza represents.

Why, in my excitement of relaxing, do I always attach FOOD to that great experience of relaxation and relief? Why can't my thoughts be "I can't wait to go home, sit on my blue couch, and watch tv, or read a book, or talk with my friends, or whatever, fill in the blank." Why does MY blank always end up being - food?

Our naturally thin friends want to help us. They love us. They care about us in every possible way. But the truth is, they might never struggle with food the way we do. Their relaxation dream might not include food. Mine always will. I think my mind will always wander there, always wish I could do that, always wonder what it would be like.

So if it's not about the pizza, what is it about? This might help you (if you don't struggle with food) to understand your friend that does. It is about reverting to a lifestyle of doing what I want, being alone with one of the only friends I let close to me (food), and being able to control my life. You see, when I overeat, when I use food as a comfort, it is historically at home, in private, by myself. It is shameful, it is fearful, it is perpetual, it is an addiction.

I'll be honest...in the old days, it was not uncommon
for me to power through a whole pizza from
Salvio's. And I mean...power through. Past the point
of being full. Just to do it, so I could get rid of it.

Yes, eating too much pizza is a problem and I will regret the calories. But it is a symptom of a MUCH bigger problem: I look to food for comfort. For rest. For relaxation. For validation. For companionship. So as much as I might want to, I could never do that to myself again. Not because of the calories, but because of the lonely place that it takes me. In my heart, I never want to go back to that dark place again.

When I make a food mistake, and I will, I have to move on. I have to forgive myself and let go. But I have made a decision to not use food as a reward anymore. I am not a dog. Food is not my reward.

-Liz

The connection between weight loss and hope

Where have I been?

I haven't posted in a while. I haven't had a life changing AHA moment to share with the world. I also haven't been in a deep valley. I have been right in the middle.

The middle...is a scary place. When I think all is well, and there is no struggle, and things are coasting along, I tend to give up. Not because I mean to, but because I forget. I forget that for me, the weight loss thing is a battle. And if I lose the battle, I lose hope.

This week, a project I have been working on for months and months now, has moved on. Our Jamaica container truck came, and today it drove off filled to the brim with boxes and bins and mattresses and bikes that we have been collecting and praying over for almost a year now.

So now what? My project is over, so what do I do? It may sound weird, but part of me lost - hope. Part of me thought, "well, back to my old life now." But the old life is not an option for me anymore. I gave away all my clothes to Goodwill. I wear smaller pants. I eat differently. I work out. But all of that wouldn't matter if I didn't believe in myself and believe more in the NEW life.

In a sense, watching Jim and Penie Koch drive that Penske truck away made me think about all of my own baggage and what I choose to hold onto versus what I know I have to leave behind. At the end of my life, what will I care to hold onto? What will matter the most? Even more specifically, at the end of my day today, will I really care that I didn't get to eat that brownie that everyone else enjoyed last night? Will I really miss out on the double helping of lasagna that I skipped?

Nope. And that, to me, is hope. I am able to see past a temporary pain for a permanent future. And so we continue - to hope. And unlike food, hope does NOT disappoint.

-Liz

How did I reward my fifty pound weight loss?

By going out for wings.

No, I am not kidding. Is it sort of like an alcoholic celebrating sobriety by having a beer? Yes. BUT...here's where I know things are different for those of us with food issues: an alcoholic can stay away from alcohol. A drug addict can stay away from drugs. A gambler can stay out of casinos. An addictive relationship can be avoided by simply avoiding that person.

What are those of us with eating issues supposed to do?

Where I live, there is fast food everywhere and I mean EVERYWHERE. The first few weeks of my weight loss journey, I took a different route home from work so I could avoid passing my old favorite foods. They make it so easy. I mean, I don't even need to get out of my car to get what I love. If that's not enabling, I don't know what is.

I could confess my wing night dinner with a heavy heart and a guilty conscience. Or, I could be honest and tell you...having that cheat meal felt REALLY great. Yes, my friends were fun, and the wings were amazing (Rudy's has the best wings in the Triangle, hands down). More importantly though, when I left the restaurant, I knew that was a cheat meal, and that's it. I left it there, and I didn't think "oh, here comes the backsliding and I'm about to gain all the weight back that I lost."

See, a few weeks ago, my mental state was "if I cheat, it's over. If I even taste a Big Mac I'll gain all the weight back and then some. Don't mess up. Ever." Last night, I can honestly say that my mind has finally shifted to "I made a poor food choice, but it's ok. Tomorrow is a new day, and I AM NEW!"

So today, I got up. And I ran 3 miles. And I sat in the sauna with my friends and sweated out that wing sauce. And then I went about my day.

And THAT, my friends, is a big deal.

-Liz

A letter of encouragement

I got an email last night from my best friend. She knows me better than anyone, and she knows I was struggling. What I love MOST about her, is Christ in her. I read this email earlier today, but it just came to me that, it is a PERFECT letter of encouragement for most of us that are weary and tired of the weight loss journey. Please insert your name all over it, and know it is from God to you. Enjoy!

Today is a new day.

Today, you might have annoying temptations like yesterday. But today, you are new. God created you for more. And the devil exists so that he can steal your joy. Think about this: when you are focusing on the curses of what you can't have and how it's not fair that you can't do what other people are doing like eating whatever they want, you're letting the devil win and consume your time with potentially good opportunities to bless people and encourage yourself. I know you want that crappy food, but you see that it's not what satisfies people, and even you.

It might seem annoying, but keep your focus on the good things that are coming from this journey. You are changing aspects of your life you never dreamed of! and you're inspiring people that are watching your progress, people that you don't even know their last names. YOU CAN DO THIS. and when it feels like you can't, give it completely to the God that created you and knows your deepest struggles. Because while you can't eat that meal at El Dorado, someone is struggling with even bigger life issues. that we can't even fathom. God gave you a beautiful body that He wants you to treat with respect. You know better. I believe in you so much. Keep going, you're SO CLOSE TO 50!! its a HUGE DEAL!!! keep up the amazing work, and changing lives while you're doing it. So proud to call you my best friend.I FREAKING LOVE YOU!!

NOW KICK ASS TODAY!!!!

You heard the woman. Go kick ass today! JUST today. And tomorrow, we will deal with it when it comes!

-Liz

When is this going to be over?

Do you ever have one of those days where, you just want the healthy eating and the calorie counting and the exercising to end? When it's raining outside, and you've been in a meeting all day, and you leave that meeting around 12:15 and pass a buffet of mashed potatoes, fried chicken, sweet tea, biscuits, and everything else that you can't eat but everyone else is piling onto their plastic plates so high that the plates are BENDING IN THEIR HANDS.

Sorry, was that too specific?

Today is that day for me. Today, I want to eat everything in sight. Today, I don't want to run. I don't want to eat another banana, I don't want to be positive, I just want to be done. I want to wake up tomorrow and have lost all the weight I want to lose so I can be done.

The problem is...I'll never be done. A friend reminded me of that and it felt like a brick in my stomach. My healthy eating and working out will never be done. Even when I lose a hundred pounds, it won't be done.

A few years ago, I did Weight Watchers. I lost about 40 pounds. Then I had some personal issues that put me into a dark place, and I gained most of that weight back. See, in my dark place, I'm not alone. I bring my sweet and salty friends with me for comfort. And they comforted me all the way back to 300+ pounds. Some friends they were.

Why will this time be different? When will I be done? When can I eat whatever I want and not work out and take it easy and eat like everyone else? Never. Really? Never?

I don't get that yet. I haven't let go of my old friends yet. I guess I feel like I will see Ben, Jerry, Sara Lee, Ronald McDonald, and Wendy again. And we will hang out like we used to. Today, I want to hang out with ALL of them. I am just praying that tomorrow, I will realize that they were never my friends.

We'll see.

-Liz