How did I reward my fifty pound weight loss?

By going out for wings.

No, I am not kidding. Is it sort of like an alcoholic celebrating sobriety by having a beer? Yes. BUT...here's where I know things are different for those of us with food issues: an alcoholic can stay away from alcohol. A drug addict can stay away from drugs. A gambler can stay out of casinos. An addictive relationship can be avoided by simply avoiding that person.

What are those of us with eating issues supposed to do?

Where I live, there is fast food everywhere and I mean EVERYWHERE. The first few weeks of my weight loss journey, I took a different route home from work so I could avoid passing my old favorite foods. They make it so easy. I mean, I don't even need to get out of my car to get what I love. If that's not enabling, I don't know what is.

I could confess my wing night dinner with a heavy heart and a guilty conscience. Or, I could be honest and tell you...having that cheat meal felt REALLY great. Yes, my friends were fun, and the wings were amazing (Rudy's has the best wings in the Triangle, hands down). More importantly though, when I left the restaurant, I knew that was a cheat meal, and that's it. I left it there, and I didn't think "oh, here comes the backsliding and I'm about to gain all the weight back that I lost."

See, a few weeks ago, my mental state was "if I cheat, it's over. If I even taste a Big Mac I'll gain all the weight back and then some. Don't mess up. Ever." Last night, I can honestly say that my mind has finally shifted to "I made a poor food choice, but it's ok. Tomorrow is a new day, and I AM NEW!"

So today, I got up. And I ran 3 miles. And I sat in the sauna with my friends and sweated out that wing sauce. And then I went about my day.

And THAT, my friends, is a big deal.

-Liz

When is this going to be over?

Do you ever have one of those days where, you just want the healthy eating and the calorie counting and the exercising to end? When it's raining outside, and you've been in a meeting all day, and you leave that meeting around 12:15 and pass a buffet of mashed potatoes, fried chicken, sweet tea, biscuits, and everything else that you can't eat but everyone else is piling onto their plastic plates so high that the plates are BENDING IN THEIR HANDS.

Sorry, was that too specific?

Today is that day for me. Today, I want to eat everything in sight. Today, I don't want to run. I don't want to eat another banana, I don't want to be positive, I just want to be done. I want to wake up tomorrow and have lost all the weight I want to lose so I can be done.

The problem is...I'll never be done. A friend reminded me of that and it felt like a brick in my stomach. My healthy eating and working out will never be done. Even when I lose a hundred pounds, it won't be done.

A few years ago, I did Weight Watchers. I lost about 40 pounds. Then I had some personal issues that put me into a dark place, and I gained most of that weight back. See, in my dark place, I'm not alone. I bring my sweet and salty friends with me for comfort. And they comforted me all the way back to 300+ pounds. Some friends they were.

Why will this time be different? When will I be done? When can I eat whatever I want and not work out and take it easy and eat like everyone else? Never. Really? Never?

I don't get that yet. I haven't let go of my old friends yet. I guess I feel like I will see Ben, Jerry, Sara Lee, Ronald McDonald, and Wendy again. And we will hang out like we used to. Today, I want to hang out with ALL of them. I am just praying that tomorrow, I will realize that they were never my friends.

We'll see.

-Liz