When God showed up.

Is it me that shows up, or is it God in me that shows up?

I would be remiss to not document the epic nature of this day. Remember, Thursday (two days ago) was round two of my steroid shots. And on Thursday (two days ago) I could barely stand. And here it is, Saturday. And this is what happened today:

I spent the morning with God. Like every morning in the past two weeks. This, in itself, has been an epic and essential part of my life. It's a joke that I try to maintain a relationship with God when I don't give Him any of my time. Anyone else in my life would have moved on by now. Some have. And who could blame them?

As I was writing in my journal this morning about my physical struggle, God put it in my heart to toss all my junk food out. All of it. So I did. Anything questionable in my house that was impeding my progress was purged. That was amazing.

God showed up.

Mid-morning I went down to NC State to have lunch with the Wizard. Now if you don't know her, you are really missing out. All the while, my leg feels stronger, my back felt loser, and my heart felt fuller. Yeah, fuller.

Do I dare try a workout? I did dare. And I was so...nervous. I have felt defeated, watching myself gain weight back and not be able to control it. Watching my progress turn to regress is heartbreaking. I got on the bike and started pedaling.

And then, God showed up again. In the form of my friend Nancy who works out at the Y frequently, walks with a cane, and never fails to smack my perspective back in line. I said a simple hello to Nancy, but what I really wanted to say is: "you INSPIRE me. Every single day that I see you, and I don't tell you that enough."

So I biked. And I did an upper body workout, and I have never, ever felt so grateful for my hands. And my feet. And the ability to walk. And strength. And progress and struggle and all points in between. Because amidst the peaks and valleys, no matter where I am, God shows up.

I know SO many of you prayed for my healing. I cannot thank you enough. I am overwhelmed with gratitude, and humbled by your love for me. Because of you, God showed up.

It's time for me to start showing up for God a little more.

-Liz

People plungers.

Friday night I had my friends Hannah and Austin over for dinner and a little backyard bonfire. We have all had crazy weeks, it was great to sit around and do nothing. Our conversation even brought up the question: What is the grossest thing you've ever had to work with or clean up or touch? (This question is important to the story, and is about to have a new answer.)

They left at around 10:30 and I came back into the house to the sound of rushing water. I peaked into my downstairs bathroom and my toilet was...I don't know how to put this...EXPLODING.

And I mean exploding. Like a dirty fountain filled with toilet paper, leaves, pine needles, and a number of other questionably mirky things.

It's great to get to the point where you don't know
how to thank your friends for being your friends.
Side note: we all had to throw our shoes away after
this event on Friday night.

I was standing in a few inches of water in my bathroom and thought: "What do I do?" I didn't even have a plunger.

I simply thought that one of my friends had blown up my bathroom and then high tailed it out of there. But now I have a mess. A HUGE, stinky, mess.

So I called Austin and said "EMERGENCY! Bring a plunger!" She and Hannah were at my house in 5 minutes.

To make a long story short, Hannah's dad had a carpet cleaner (thank God) and we spent the next few hours bailing out the mirky water and floating debris (that's what I am choosing to call it) and waiting for the plumber. Mike the Plumber showed up around 1 am with the tools for the job and some stories that have scarred me for life. (Note: don't ask a plumber about the weirdest thing he's ever seen unless you are prepared to be psychologically changed forever.)  Mike the Plumber's diagnosis is that one of the outside sewer lines had been cracked by tree roots and the pipe was clogged up with roots and debris, causing my toilet to clog up and eventually back up violently right into my house.

I have had some thoughts to think about this event. Strangely enough, it coincides with a hard reality that God has shown me this week. Something I have known for my whole life but am so afraid to admit:

I SUCK AT LETTING PEOPLE IN.

All caps. There, I said it. And maybe this is why I like keeping a blog. I can really bare my soul to everyone, but it's on my terms. In my words. Limited. My way. No surprises.

My back stuff has forced me to rely on others. It has slowed me down. It has made me examine myself and look in the mirror harder than ever. And Friday night was hilarious to me because I was like...embarrassed to ask for help. But I had no other choice. I had to call my friends and they had to come over and stick their hands in my shit (sorry, but seriously, that's what it was) and help me clean it up. There was no way around it.

Reminder: your texts are more
important to people than you think.

I called Austin and Hannah because I thought I just needed to borrow their plunger. That I only needed a tool from them. Austin said it pretty well at the end of the night: "The best part about this, is that you thought all you needed was a plunger."

What I needed was them. It's crazy how we use other people to get what we want, and don't even know it. But Friday, for me, was a funny reminder from God that I need people. And that's not always on my terms or the ways I want it to be. Sometimes people see the parts of me that I don't want anyone to see. And surprise surprise, they love me anyway! In fact, people seem to like knowing these parts of me!

Would I have preferred my toilet to have not exploded? Yes. But did God use it to paint me a picture of why it's necessary to let people in? Yes.

Newsflash: I don't have it all together. And neither do you. So can we stop pretending that we do?

-Liz

Don't think you're making a difference in the world? Think again.

I got a random email last week that came right on time. RIGHT ON TIME. It's amazing how that works...

Hi Liz!   I’m hoping you will remember me- we worked at KHA together and I have been following your blog and have been wanting to respond to you for so long.  My first problem is that I’m not sure how to respond to you on your blog ( I am not technology savvy) and my second problem was that I wasn’t sure you would remember me.  

I have been following since Kelli Clark sent me the link.  I was always hesitant about getting in touch with you but after reading that so many people have been responding to your past and present pictures- I thought it was time. Kelli gave me your email since I’m not on Facebook either.  (Yes, I do know what century this is.)

What you write inspires me and I just wanted you to know that even though I have never had a weight problem, some of the struggles to stay healthy are very similar( I won’t begin to act like I know what you have gone through by saying that they are the “same”.)  However, while trying to stay healthy I have really had to make myself learn what is healthy and what is not.  That is not fun because none of the good stuff is healthy as you well know! 

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you are inspiring people in more ways than you realize because staying healthy and taking care of the bodies that God has blessed us with should be something that everyone needs to think about.  The real need is for people to know that they don’t have to do it alone and that God is always with them. You are making it possible for a lot of people to see that and I know God will continue to bless you on your journey! Thanks again for sharing – I know it’s not easy. Peace,Kathy

This email blows me away for a thousand reasons. I am sharing it because I know that today, you need to be blown away, too. You need to be reminded that you are making a difference in people that you might not even know or talk to. Or maybe it's the person that you haven't seen in a long time that just needs to hear that we are all struggling together.

This weight loss thing is a struggle. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. So let's quit trying to do it alone!

-Liz

"You're such an inspiration!"

So, I was sitting at my desk today, frustrated with my progress. I haven't been losing 3 pounds a week like I would hope to. I have been craving foods that are bad for me. I have hit a wall with my workouts.

I am just...bored. And in this desert where no one really understands what I am going through.

Anyone that knows me knows that I am my worst critic. There is no one that I am more critical about than myself. I compete with myself, I push myself too hard, and the biggest one is that I don't give myself a break. Naturally, I haven't been giving my body a break. The weeks of processed Luna Bars have been catching up to me and progress has slowed down.

So, I am changing something. But not the something you might think I would be changing. I am changing what the word "progress" means.

Are you slowing down? Losing interest? The honeymoon is over and the work is ahead? Here is progress: me sitting at my desk, being so hard on myself that I have become an emotional wreck, and a high schooler walking in and telling me she has lost 4 pounds because I have been such an inspiration to her.

Here is progress: someone asking me to speak at her Made To Crave bible study as a testimonial to how God can redeem the brokenness of our food addiction.

Here is progress: I have had one of the worst weeks I have had in a LONG time and I did not turn to food. (You should read that one again, because this is a bigger deal than you think it is.)

If you are as hard on yourself as I am on myself, and if you are hitting an emotional wall like I am, may I suggest changing your definition of the word "progress"? Our biggest victories might not be on the scale. They might just be the ones in our hearts, the ones that have beaten us up our whole lives.

We all need to make a collective promise to ourselves that we will stop the bombing when it comes to our own hearts. Give yourself a break, take a step back, and realize that you might be the most important person that you need to encourage today. Offer that to yourself, and watch how quickly you make progress!

-Liz