Big people. Little world.

A few days ago I got back from my little "spring break" trip as I like to call it. I went with three girl friends to the Barcelo Maya Resort outside of Cancun.

I've been trying to write a blog about my trip since I came back, but I don't know where to begin. How can I explain what it feels like to finally be a part of a world that always seemed too small for me?

I tried to find an old photo of me in a bathing suit
to compare to the most recent one above, but I
realized that I didn't have one. I have NEVER
wanted anyone to take my picture in a bathing suit.

If you've never struggled with your weight, this might not apply to you. But imagine living in a world that just seems like it wasn't built for you. Everything is too small. Too tight. Too hot. Too crowded. All in all, just too much. It might make you want to - retreat.

And for my whole life, I did just that. I made a lot of excuses about why I didn't want to do things. I was afraid, I had a fear of flying, I was too tired to swim, I was too scared to snorkel. You name it, I used the excuse.

On our trip to Mexico last week, I found that my body has changed, yes, but my mind is still a SERIOUS work in progress. The thought of us trying new things scared the crap out of me. Even laying on a floatie in the ocean was a mental challenge. Would it hold me? Would I actually float on this tiny piece of air-filled plastic?

And could I really walk around in a bathing suit without wearing shorts and a t-shirt? Would people stare at me? Oh, and they had kayaking there, too. But I could never actually kayak before, I was always over the weight limit. Would the beach chairs hold me? Would the restaurant chairs have arms? How do I know that I'll fit? Will I be...embarrassed?

Never underestimate the power of a friendship.
Accountability is purely life-changing.

You see, these are the things that I have always worried about. When you are overweight, your physical body becomes a barrier to the world around you, and you get used to that. In fact, you make it that way. When you're overweight, you don't have to let anyone in. This big scary "secret struggle" is actually on display for the world to see. But it also allowed me to control everything around me.

So I don't know how to explain my trip to Mexico. I don't know how to convey how different the world is now that I can fit into it. How do I explain what it feels like to walk around in a bathing suit all day without shame? How do I describe the feeling of being just another person at a resort? How do I share with you the victory of taking a trip to a tropical resort without any fear?

Yes, we kayaked. And snorkeled. And I sat in hammocks, and beach chairs, and arm chairs, and airplane seats, and took a lot of pictures of myself in a bathing suit. Without shame. I could easily write a hundred pages about how this felt to me, but for now I can leave it at this: it feels so good to be a part of the world now.

And it fits just fine.

-Liz

My first spring break

Tomorrow I am going to a resort outside of Cancun, Mexico. It is a trip that I have been planning with three of my friends since March. This place is an all-inclusive resort with beaches, pools, spas, shows, restaurants, and all the other stuff.

This is my first spring break.

I have never gone on spring break like most typical people do. Not in high school, not in college. I have taken spring breaks, sure...but I have never done the beach thing. You know why. That would mean...bathing suits. Showing skin. Being self-conscious of my body, knowing I was the biggest one on the beach, jealous of "normal" people, and embarrassed to be the only person swimming with shorts on top of my bathing suit.

There are so many reasons I am excited for this trip tomorrow. I am excited to sit in the airplane seats. I will be able to put the armrests down and wear the seat belt comfortably! Some of you know how much of a victory this is. I will be able to fit in any beach chair, any lounge chair, wear a bathing suit and not be embarrassed.

I have a long way to go with my weight loss. But this trip is a celebration for me that I have come a long way. I need to celebrate this and not forget what God has done. I have never in my life taken a long beach trip with three girls. I have protected myself from this because it was just too embarrassing.

Not anymore, friends. Not anymore.

(side note: if you are the praying type and could remember to pray for me while we're gone, I need it. All-inclusive means...EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT. For me, it's like letting an alcoholic be in charge of a bar for 5 days. I need the prayer.)

-Liz

Just do it.

This morning, my friend Dee and I got up early with the intent of running twice around Lake Pine near my house. That's a 2 mile loop, so we planned on doing 4 miles.

I was thinking a lot while we were running. I was thinking a lot about how similar this exercise journey has been to my journey with God. Indulge me in this...

This morning, a friend and I got up and planned to run. We ran. It was hot. It sucked at times. I wanted to quit. I ran at my own pace and Dee ran at her own pace. We started together, and she finished before me and waited until I was done.

We passed a lot of people. We passed walkers, people with friends, people alone, runners, joggers, people that have done this a hundred times before and a few people who, visibly, had never done this before and had to stop their run and walk up the hills.

But they did make it up the hills. They didn't quit.

Here's the thing about running for me...I just have to do it. And I have to remove the blockers that I get into my head that stop me from doing it. Here is my short list of things that are helping me to do it:

1. I have a friend that goes with me, or at least a friend that I report back to.
2. I have a plan.
3. I am patient with myself and know that I am improving.
4. If I miss a week, I remember that it will be harder to get back in the routine.
5. I never forget where I came from so that I will be even more excited to see where I'm going.

Why do I expect my relationship with God to be any different?

I am finding that I run to God when I need Him. I look to God when I am desperate. I want God to solve my problems, but then I want Him to leave me alone. I am impatient with myself. I want to be close to God without the work. I don't want to wait. I want to run a marathon now. I don't want to first learn how to run a mile.

Do you get that? Do you see how we want the marathon spirituality without the one mile preparation? Any running coach would tell you that this is impossible. In fact, if you haven't been training for a distance run and then get out there and try it on a whim, you'd get hurt. You'd be disappointed, defeated, and depressed. Falling short.

Have you felt that way about God? I have. But the reminder to me is that...when I feel far from God, it's not God that's changed position. It's me.

If you are looking for God, don't be discouraged. God was looking for you first. He has a plan for you and wants to run a marathon with you. But the problem is, you have to get out there and run a mile with Him, first. Trust Him in the small things, and watch how He puts the big, exciting things into your life.

Look at that list of five things above. And apply that to your alone time with God. Think of it as a recipe for a relationship with Jesus. 

So get out there. Just do it. Please don't sue me, Nike.

-Liz

If your refrigerator could speak...

I went grocery shopping today since we were out of bananas. Yes my friends, this is always a tragedy.

I am painfully aware of the ways I use food as a coping mechanism for life's ups and downs. Food is there for me when I celebrate, when I mourn, when I am lonely, when I am in community, and truly every emotion in between.

The cool thing now, is to see how I use food in the moment. For instance, I was really hungry today after I worked out. (side note: it was also something like 325 degrees in NC today, so heat makes me want to stay indoors, watch Mad Men reruns, and eat everything in sight) When I was driving back from the Y, I passed Chipotle. Firehouse Subs. McDonalds. Wendy's. Taco Bell. Some new wings restaurant. I even went to Trader Joe's on an empty stomach.

That was my first mistake.

But the reason why all of today was cool, is that the old Liz would have made a b-line to any of the above drive-thrus and gotten my heart's desire. Even though I just ran 4 1/2 miles today, the crazy part of me would say "you deserve to eat whatever you want now!" Really? Do I really deserve that? Do I deserve to work my ass off and then eat my ass right back on?

Pardon the language, but honestly...is this not crazy to you?

Yet we all live this way. Maybe we eat great in public, ordering the half portions at Panera and only drinking water throughout the day, no sweets in the break room and always avoiding birthday cake. But maybe we then go to Harris Teeter and hit up the bakery like they are going out of business. We then go home, lock the door, close the blinds, screen the phone calls and watch Mad Men reruns.

I say this like I have done this before. Well, duh.

Here's the thing - the new Liz knows better. And I can't stress enough how much of a process this whole year has been. I maybe appeared healthy to the outside world, but secret eating was my JAM. I was the best at it. It made me so happy and then, 30 minutes later, it made me so sad. I would work out with my trainer and kill it in the gym, and then I would work out with McDonald's and kill it in front of the tv. Alone, alone alone.

Get the picture?

Let's cut it out with the secret stuff. Who is holding you accountable? Who is your support system? If you are trying to make ANY kind of change, believe me when I say that it won't last until you have someone that you trust walking through it with you.

And here is a little picture of accountability for all of you faceless friends that read my blog. A year ago, if you showed me this picture, I would say "it's a shame all those vegetables are going to go bad because who would ever eat BEETS?"

(Beets are a crazy superfood but are also crazy gross...but I put them in the Vitamix and I can't even taste them so that's what's up.)

If you don't have anyone holding you accountable, find one. Find ten. Find whatever it takes to help you when you don't think you need help. (For a stoonad like me, it takes a village.)

-Liz

365 Days with the 335 pound woman

So, I stumbled across a blog the other day called "365 Days With The 335 Pound Woman." I was so excited because I thought it would be an encouraging read. Another great success story to keep me going. My first red flag when I stumbled upon it? She hadn't posted in over 4 months.

I will say, that if I don't post on this blog for months at a time, something has gone wrong. This blog has become more about accountability and encouragement than anything else. I can't tell you the amazing feedback I've gotten. Shedding light on this struggle has taken the power of the darkness away. I think we all deal with something in our lives that needs more light shed on it. Amen?

Anyway, back to the 335 pound woman.

Basically, she lost about 60 pounds over the course of the year. Then her life changed. She hated her job, fell into depression, and started gaining weight back. After gaining back 25 pounds, she thought to herself "If you're not careful, you are going to gain all the weight back."

And over the next few months, she did just that. She gained all the weight back and then some. Do I need to tell you how frightening her story is to me?

So I wrote her an email. I hope she writes me back. She has fallen off the grid and her silence is deafening to a community of readers that are hoping she makes it so that they can believe in themselves to make it, too.

I want to believe in the 335 pound woman and I don't even know her name. The crazy thing is, I never believed in my own 325 pound woman that started this journey back in October. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. But the 335 pound woman's struggle is a reminder to me of one key thing:

THIS. IS. NEVER. OVER.

I can't get comfortable. I can't stop. I can't give up on myself on the days when this gets too hard. I can't eat whatever I want and use food to fill the hole in my heart that only God can fill.

THIS. IS. NEVER. OVER.

If you have a second, email that blog above. Remind the 335 pound woman that she can do it. Because whether we want to admit it or not, we cannot do it alone. Not now, not ever.

-Liz

What a difference 72 pounds makes.

This week, I am at Blue Ridge Leaders' School with 20 of my Y kids, and 800 others from all over the southeast. This is my third trip to Blue Ridge, and let me give you some fun facts about what happens during a week here.


Here I am at Blue Ridge last summer with one of
my all-star kids, Ashley.

 A lot of walking. In the mountains. Stairs, trails, hills, valleys, and everything in between. Also, a lot of fitness classes. Everything from yoga to triathloning to ballroom dancing to soccer.

Imagine being the fat kid at fitness camp. That was me for the past two years - bringing kids up to this leadership and fitness school when there was no WAY I could do any of it. I could barely even walk up the mountain to the morning devotion site.

Every morning, we walk up a big hill. Seriously, it's big. Without fail, every morning, one of the kids from the flatlands of Florida will yell something out like "GIVE THE FLORIDA KIDS A BREAK!" It's a steep walk. Last year, I would walk all the way up, praying for a chance to pause in between so I could catch my breath, and be so winded on the way that I couldn't have a conversation. I would make it there, barely, and I would be sweating buckets in 75 degree mountain air.

And every day, there are classes. Workout classes. I would hide out as much as possible and avoid all of these classes because, after all, I can't do this. I realize how crude it sounds, and I am not making fun of myself at all, but making the point that I - for all practical purposes - was the biggest person here. And it was embarrassing. How could I ask my kids to do things that I couldn't do myself? What kind of a leader was that?



A picture I took with Blair yesterday.



What a difference a year makes.

This year, I walk up to the devotion site every morning and I can carry on a conversation all the way up. In fact, I am noticing other people around me that are more winded than I am. I can get down on the floor next to my kids and do sit-ups right beside them. I can hold a plank for a minute. I can do a perfect crunch. I am even walking all the way down the mountain every day and doing my own workout in my free time just because I can.

If it sounds like I am bragging, I am. I am so proud. I am so thankful that God has given me a second chance at this life. One of the instructors said this to me the other day: "One day, your body will not be able to do this. Today is not that day." I am so inspired by that, and when I am in the middle of a hundred squats, I think about that and thank God for the body I have. The strength, the movement, the miracle of God's creation.


I know a lot of people read this blog that don't know me. And maybe you are facing something that feels impossible to conquer. To be completely honest with you, I NEVER thought I would be the person to love exercise, find fitness important, and admit that I needed a change in my life. It is my hope that by making this private struggle so public that you might have the courage to face your fears, too.

Once we stop running, stare those fears in the face, and invite someone into it with us, it turns out that those fears aren't so powerful after all.

-Liz

Don't think you're making a difference in the world? Think again.

I got a random email last week that came right on time. RIGHT ON TIME. It's amazing how that works...

Hi Liz!   I’m hoping you will remember me- we worked at KHA together and I have been following your blog and have been wanting to respond to you for so long.  My first problem is that I’m not sure how to respond to you on your blog ( I am not technology savvy) and my second problem was that I wasn’t sure you would remember me.  

I have been following since Kelli Clark sent me the link.  I was always hesitant about getting in touch with you but after reading that so many people have been responding to your past and present pictures- I thought it was time. Kelli gave me your email since I’m not on Facebook either.  (Yes, I do know what century this is.)

What you write inspires me and I just wanted you to know that even though I have never had a weight problem, some of the struggles to stay healthy are very similar( I won’t begin to act like I know what you have gone through by saying that they are the “same”.)  However, while trying to stay healthy I have really had to make myself learn what is healthy and what is not.  That is not fun because none of the good stuff is healthy as you well know! 

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you are inspiring people in more ways than you realize because staying healthy and taking care of the bodies that God has blessed us with should be something that everyone needs to think about.  The real need is for people to know that they don’t have to do it alone and that God is always with them. You are making it possible for a lot of people to see that and I know God will continue to bless you on your journey! Thanks again for sharing – I know it’s not easy. Peace,Kathy

This email blows me away for a thousand reasons. I am sharing it because I know that today, you need to be blown away, too. You need to be reminded that you are making a difference in people that you might not even know or talk to. Or maybe it's the person that you haven't seen in a long time that just needs to hear that we are all struggling together.

This weight loss thing is a struggle. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. So let's quit trying to do it alone!

-Liz