I guess it's finally time for before and after pics...

I never wanted to be that person that posts before and after pics. Whenever I see them on tv or online, I always think "wow, that was so quick!" People make it look...easy.



TOMS walk, April 2011. I officially
started the weight loss journey in
October 2011, but this is the best
"before" shot.



This was NOT easy. This will continue to be NOT easy. This is, in fact, the hardest thing I have ever done, and it's not even close to being over.



So just remember, these pictures are moments in time. They are brief snapshots. You see two versions of me. What you can't see is the sweat, the tears, the pain, the injuries, the early mornings, the late nights, the wonder, the glory, the highs, the lows, and everything in between. And I mean everything.



 I wish I had a picture of me choosing a different route home so I didn't have to drive by a McDonald's. I wish I had a picture of me not eating the tray of christmas cookies at my aunt's house. I wish I had a picture of me at the pool yesterday when, for the first time in my life, I could walk around in my bathing suit and not be self-conscious. I wish I had a picture of every single training session I have had with my trainer, the Romainiac (if you've ever trained her, you would know why she gets that nickname).



So many pictures I don't have. And I really wish that I had a picture of Jesus Christ Himself, running beside me down the Tobacco Trail for 7 miles. Because that would have to be the craziest picture anyone has ever seen. I may not have a picture, but trust me...it happened. And it was very, very good.

Here's to the next 71 pounds!



A recent pic with one of partners in crime, Lauren.
The crime? Breaking hearts. Oh yeah also...kicking ass
and taking names.

When you trip down memory lane

Last night I went to dinner with two of my favorite Young Life girls from Leesville High School. They are now women. Married, kids, and welcoming their 30s. It was one of those moments in time that just takes you back. And it really, REALLY took me back.

One of them said "I want to ask you a question, but before I do, I want to apologize if it's over the line." That statement already had me excited about what was next. She said "Do you wonder why your friends didn't encourage you to lose weight sooner?"

Hmm. I am still pondering this. When I started this weight loss journey, it wasn't my friends that encouraged me to do it. It wasn't a big moment in time where I knew something had to change, nothing percipatated it, nothing hit me as a rock bottom. For all intents and purposes, it was just - time to change.

Do I wonder why my friends didn't encourage me to lose weight sooner? Yes. I think about that quite a bit actually. Is there something about me that makes me unapproachable? Am I too tough? Am I too proud? Am I independent to a fault?

And this was the point in the dinner that I tripped down memory lane. I fell into that place of "I couldn't let anyone in, and I couldn't be told what to do. I still can't." And trust me, I struggle with this every day. This blog itself is a coping mechanism for me to let people in. To let down my guard and take in the good and the bad.

What will happen to all of us if we just...let people into the pain? If we weren't afraid of being ourselves to people, how would that change the world? And maybe more importantly, who is it in your life that needs to know that you struggle so that they can feel the freedom to struggle right there with you?

-Liz

Dear high school me...

Last weekend I went up to PA to visit my family and to meet my friend Dee so we could road trip back down to NC together.

I had some downtime on Saturday, so I decided to go over to my alma mater's track and run a little bit. Things have certainly changed since I was at Unionville High School. Now the track is crazy fancy, the football field is turf, and there are advertising billboards everywhere. When I went there, the track was gravel, the football field was full of divots, and the only advertising was the occasional announcement over the PA during halftime.

This is a picture of the field at the high school. This is also a picture of me beginning a reminiscing process that took me back to high school me. High school me hated this track. She feared it. She watched people run around it and wonder how they did it. She had to take P.E. on it and used the old "I have cramps" excuse more than a few times. (sorry, boys...TMI?)

She was also very insecure, and hid her body behind clothes that were baggy, made for boys, and plain enough to never draw attention to herself. She was defeated, knowing there was more out there for her, but afraid to try.

So last Saturday, I took high school me for a run. And we did the fastest 4 mile run I have EVER done. 4 miles in 48 minutes. That's a big deal. Each lap around that track was a marked victory for me. This lap is for high school me, to remind me that I can do it. This one is for high school me, to reclaim the dignity I never showed to myself. This one is for high school me, to give me back the respect and worth that I deserve. Lap after lap after lap.

It is good for us to reminisce. It is VERY good for us to confront the past and not let it poison our present. So go down memory lane if you are so bold, but make sure you bring Jesus with you. Last Saturday, He was pretty clear about running with me around memory lane, but then driving with my friend Dee and I back to North Carolina, to a present where things are looking brighter and brighter.

-Liz

"I just bought the cutest outfit at Old Navy!"

You would hear this all day every day from most people in the world. You would NEVER hear this come out of my mouth. Until now.

Today, I shopped. Today, I tried things on. Today, I had a variety of things I COULD try on. I could put things back, I could pass over things, I could check prices, I could shop a size....smaller. Things were too big. And I found a cute outfit, and I bought it.

What the heck is happening to me?

I can't believe this journey sometimes. It is all together heartbreaking, glorious, unbelievable, painful, joyful, and most of all - life altering. Every day is something new. And today, for some reason that only God will be able to reveal to me eventually, today I had conversation after conversation about "how I did this."

People want to know how I did it. What's the trick? What's the secret? The tricky secret is that I get to talk about Jesus. I get to tell people that I wasn't ready to change until I knew I was worth changing. That I was made for more. That Jesus loved me more than anyone, and that He loved me too much to leave me the way I was...unwilling to change.

Is this the hardest thing I have ever done? Yes. Is this the most painful thing I've ever gone through? Yes. But is this the greatest story of God's redemptive hand on my life so far? Oh, hell yes. (that's right, I cursed. Get off me.)

Oh by the way, I took off my "pounds lost" tracker from here. Not because it's not important, but because I was making that number too important and giving it too much power.

But hey, there's something in ALL of our lives that has too much power over us, isn't there? Cut it loose.

-Liz

A birthday without cake

Yesterday was my 36th birthday. I feel super old. Let's just get that one out of the way.

It was a HARD day for me, and I couldn't really figure out why. I had a good night with great friends, I had a good workout, I was with some ladies from church at a baby shower...it should have been a day of celebrating life. I mean, I am almost 70 pounds lighter and certainly more secure in Jesus, so what's the deal?

Can I be honest? You know what the best part about a birthday is? You know what the best part of any celebration is? CAKE. FOOD. PARTY. FOOD. CAKE. ICE CREAM. CAKE. This year...no cake. No ice cream. No fun.

The thought crossed my mind yesterday that crosses all of our minds sometimes: "It's my birthday. Why can't I have cake? I deserve it. This is so stupid."

I have lived 35 years that way, thinking about what I deserved, and indulging in every single thing that I thought I deserved. That put me into a mental state that is pretty frightening as I look back on it. Let me be clear...food itself won't make us sick. Using food as a substitute for God...will. And that's what I did.

• Did I need comfort? -food
• Was I bored? - food
• Was I sad? - food
• Was I sick? - food

Was I lonely, happy, with people, alone, depressed, elated, celebrating, mourning, worried, anxious, afraid? Food, food, food.

Is that the life that I truly deserved?

So, although yesterday was hard, I am glad that I did NOT use food to celebrate, to comfort, to entertain, and to numb. Instead, I am staying in the fight and acknowledging that high fructose corn syrup will not give me life. Jesus will. Red dye #6 will not heal my hurts. Jesus will. Enriched bleached flour will not walk beside me in the midst of pain. Jesus will.

This...THIS is the life that we truly deserve.

-Liz

Is it a good thing or a God thing?

I have had quite an introspective few days. God has been teaching me a lot about the following emotions:

• jealousy
• isolation
• fear of failure
• perserverence
• anxiety/worry

I woke up this morning and I had that old feeling of sadness that used to get me all the time. I have connected that feeling of morning sadness, for the most part, to guilt for what I ate the day before, a hopelessness that I could never change my life. But this morning, I connected it to a hopelessness that I couldn't sustain this change in my life.

Recognizing that my mind is a battlefield has been a big revelation for me. Joyce Meyers has a book called "Battlefield of the Mind" that I am reading for the 2nd time right now. I am choosing God in these moments of desperation, when my old choices used to make me sick. Anything I choose over God will make me sick. These things become our idols and at some point, leave us emptier than when we began. They can be other people, food, alcohol, tv, work, busyness, depression, you can fill in the blank for whatever yours is. Even church can be an idol when it takes the place of Jesus Himself.

See, there are a LOT of good things I can do. Church is a good thing. Friends are a good thing. Exercise is a good thing. But none of these are God. And I can't put God in front of them. Think about your life as a pie. Not that kind of pie...a pie CHART. Do you put God into a little sliver of that pie chart? Is He 5%? Does He squeeze in somewhere between work and family? Is He 0.5% because that's all you have left?

Shouldn't God be the whole pie chart? Shouldn't He be the One in every single part of my life? He did give it to me, after all. Why is He getting my leftovers? What if I gave it to Him and let Him deal with all these emotions that wage war in my mind? The whole pie, where all those emotions like to dig into...not just leftovers.

Leftover pie...shoot. Now that's a visual I need to scare away. Thanks a lot.

-Liz

Nobody believes you, Bruno Mars.

Girl you're amazing, just the way you are. Thanks for the sentiment, Bruno Mars, but no one believes it.

 

I was talking with a friend at work the other day and she told me that she had talked to another lady at the gym, went up to her, and said "I want your body!"

 

No, not like that. In the sense of, whatever she is doing to keep in shape like that, my friend wants to do. That is, in my opinion, a healthy response. But the more I thought about it, the more I thought about how all of us, all of us, have an unhealthy response in terms of comparing ourselves to others.

When was the last time you looked in the mirror and said "Finally I am perfect! There is nothing about my body that I would change, I look amazing, just the way I am."

Not lately? Not ever? Yeah, me neither.

Maybe the problem isn't our bodies. Maybe it's our hearts. Maybe we are looking at ourselves through the wrong lens. What if we started looking at ourselves as God sees us, ladies?

• Your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit that lives in you. Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you (1 Corinthians 6:19)?
• You are a new creation in Christ. So then, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; what is old has passed away--look, what is new has come (2 Corinthians 5:17)!
• You are chosen, holy, and blameless before God. For he chose us in Christ before the foundation of the world that we may be holy and unblemished in his sight in love (Ephesians 1:4).
• You are God's workmanship. For we are his workmanship, having been created in Christ Jesus for good works that God prepared beforehand so we may do them (Ephesians 2:10).
• You have been chosen by God, and you are holy and beloved. Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with a heart of mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience (Colossians 3:12).

I could go on and on. If you want more reasons to love the person in the mirror, read Psalm 139. Do you read God's word like the love letter to you that it is? Or do you read it like it's a school assignment...as fast as possible so you can move on to the next thing?

When I compare myself to someone else, I am saying to God that what He created is ugly. Unlovable. Unworthy. Not as good as someone else. Do you see how messed up that is? You have been given this life because you are strong enough to live it. What is God trying to teach you in the midst of your storms? Maybe that storm is between you and your mirror. So what is God trying to show you?

Keep working out. Keep pursuing health. Keep honoring God with your body. And believe God (and Bruno Mars) when He tells you that you're amazing, just the way you are. Because that, my beautiful friends, is the truth.

-Liz