Did I make a mistake?

(subtitle: No, I didn't make a mistake...but it doesn't stop the doubt!)

Smiling like a happy idiot!

Duodenal switch surgery was on Wednesday at 10 am. I clawed my way out of the hospital by Thursday night. I could tell the nurses and doctor wanted me to stay another night but I wasn't having it. Here's a picture of me right before going into surgery. Here are some of the pictures you don't get to see because, as we know, no one posts their darkest moments on social media!

You get no pictures of the nausea, the various tubes and needles and lines all over me, the countless check-ins and blood draws and extra hospital goodies. You, sadly, don't get a video of the lady down the hall from me screaming bloody murder while they try to put a tube in her arm. And I wish I had a picture of the sad parade of newly operated patients walking around the halls, in our socks and open gowns, pushing our IV bags, to prevent blood clots. We looked like a bunch of hunch-backed zombies afraid of eye contact.

I had great care. I have amazing friends that stayed with me overnight. I had a terrible tv, though, and I need to talk to Rex about that one. But I was ready to go home and get past surgery. For the first 48 hours I really wondered if I had made a mistake. Why did I put myself through this? If I was stronger, I should be able to lose weight and keep it off on my own. Why did I go through such a drastic surgery?

See, I don't know what being a thin person feels like. I don't know what the other side of this will be. All I know is the pain right now and the soreness and the nausea and the inability to eat or drink much of anything. But I have to trust what's next. It took me a lifetime to get to this weight, it won't come off overnight. And my brain won't understand this overnight either. When we have settled so long for something or someone, it's hard to believe we deserve better.

I know I deserve better. And I know this past year has been a deliberate season of taking my health back. This is the beginning, and I am grateful for the time, for once, to focus on my health. And to write a yelp review about Rex Hospital's tiny tv's...

Life with the boys

Shiloh (left) and Georgie (right).

Let me tell you, being 42 and single is hard. Very hard. I fight selfishness every day. When you don't have anyone to take care of outside of yourself, you become extremely self-reflective and self-critical. When you don't have other lives to care for, you tend to turn inward and isolated.

I've never been one of those girls that have thought "being married will complete me." I have enough friends that fight for their marriages and work hard to make it work to believe that marriage is the answer to loneliness. But being self-aware doesn't make loneliness less of an issue.

God has a way of making things simple when I overcomplicate my life. So in the midst of such a difficult season, he found a way to bring me two of the greatest gifts I didn't know I needed.

Enter Shiloh and Georgie.

To avoid a 3,000 word essay on why dogs are awesome, here are the lessons they have taught me about life. Lessons that work with dogs and people alike:

• Guilt is an effective motivator, but love is the lasting motivator. Shaming a dog can be a quick fix, but loving a dog with patience is a lasting one. Sound familiar?
• Unconditional love is a real thing. Love can be so simple. We just complicate it instead of being open and accepting it.
• It is good to care for someone other than yourself. These dogs run my schedule now and I LOVE it. Being forced to put the needs of something else first at times is good for my soul.

I do think animals are God's gift to us. A reminder of simple joy, and simple love. I hope that one day I can be the person that my dog thinks I am. For now, though, I am just loving life with Shiloh and Georgie and the ways they make my life softer and more simple.

Also, how can you say no to those faces?

Shiloh is 4 years old and loves me completely.
Other people, not so much!

Georgie just turned two and he is the town mascot
for Wake Forest! He fulfills his duty with honor.

Georgie is a therapy dog at our local retirement home.
It's the best part of my week to watch him with the
memory care patients.

"What kind of surgery are you having?"

What a harmless question, right?

Until you ask it of someone like me who is a bit ashamed of resorting to weight loss surgery to get healthy.

The process through insurance has been over a year for me. There are requirements that insurance needs to approve the duodenal switch surgery. For those of you thinking of weight loss surgery, here is what I have had to go through:

1. Primary care doctor visits documenting weight concerns for over a year.
2. Initial orientation with a team of nutritionists.
3. Weigh ins.
4. A sleep study.
5. A psychiatric evaluation.
6. Weigh ins.
7. Protein seminars.
8. Bariatric surgery consults.
9. Weigh ins.
10. Endoscopy and colonoscopy.
11. Hospital consultation.
12. Blood work.
13. More blood work.
14. Did I mention weigh-ins?

Don't get me wrong. I am thankful for the process because of one thing: they are operating on my digestive system, not my brain. My brain has to be ready for the change. The process has given me lots of time to process and thoughtfully consider what I am about to do.

This is known as the "DS" or, duodenal switch. It is
now considered the most effective surgery to
lose the weight and keep it off.

But it doesn't mean the insecurity and fear of judgment goes away. When I lost 75 pounds a few years ago, it was with blood, sweat, and tears. Lots of tears. At my lowest weight, I ended up needing lower back surgery. About two years after that, I needed upper back surgery. I was working out over an hour a day, 6 days a week rather faithfully. But I just couldn't get a handle on the eating. I allowed myself too many "cheat meals" and we all know, those turn into "cheat days" and "cheat weekends." And when you can't work out due to injury...you sit around a lot. And eat.

Want to know what's worse than being overweight? Losing 75 pounds and gaining it all back.

While some say surgery is the easy way out (and yes, I have heard this from well-meaning people), I must say, now that I am living in it and on day three of my liquid diet prep...it most certainly is not easy. And if I hadn't of had the year long preparation, I don't think my brain would be ready.

We have five days to go. And I apologize in advance to all of you that will be around me between now and Wednesday. Because I am perpetually hangry. Forgive me?

The life of a prepper

Shout out to Bariatric Advantage and Celebrate vitamins.

I was going to entitle this "The life of a doomsday prepper" but what I have coming up isn't doomsday, it's more like a birthday. Except much more painful and filled with vitamins.

Speaking of vitamins, someone asked about the regimen, so here it is. 5 times a day I am taking a chewable vitamin of some sort, because that's what my new body can absorb. Because I am such a prepper, I have already organized them into easy doses to make sure I don't miss a beat. Vitamins are crucial in recovery since I won't be able to take in a lot of food nutrition.

And here's what the fridge looks like. Day one of the liquid diet prep is today. Duodenal switch surgery is July 11th. And a warning if you have to interact with me this week: I will be hangry pretty much all week. So I apologize in advance for what I might do or say.

For those of you looking for protein shake recommendations, I really can't say enough good things about Premier Protein. I have tried a LOT of options for protein in my life, and this is really the bariatric standard. 160 calories, 30 grams of protein, and 1 gram of sugar. You can find them at Walmart and Sams Club and they have a great variety of flavors. Peach and cookies and cream are my favorites.

I keep hearing that your taste buds completely change after surgery, but I am hoping I can still tolerate the shakes afterwards. They have been a lifeline for me, truly.

Cheers to day one!

Practicing Being Brave Part II

Damn right!

I revisited my blog today. My last post was in March of 2017 when Georgie went to puppy boot camp. It was entitled "Practicing Being Brave."

So this is part 2.

I am resurrecting the blog. And I am resurrecting my weight loss journey too. In a super charged way, I hope. I have decided to have bariatric surgery, more specifically, a surgery called "duodenal switch." I have been working on this with my doctor for over a year. My surgery date is July 11th.

I have friends that have had this surgery and have been very private about it, only telling their family. I didn't understand the need to keep it private, but I do now.

I am a "shout it from the mountain top" kind of person. I try to be as open as I can, hoping that it makes others feel comfortable. I have several friends that used the same bariatric program I am using. As I shared the process with my close friends and family, I have gotten all the support in the world. For the most part...

However, this process is raw and brings up emotions and feelings that have been long buried under overeating. So the criticism with the process hurt that much worse. I had a friend refer to it as "elective surgery" and that just sent me into a dark place.

Was it my poor eating choices alone that got me to this point? No, but it certainly contributed. And if I could lose the weight and keep it off on my own, I would have. I got to this weight on my own, but I can't get to my goal weight on my own. I have tried and failed many times. I am choosing medical intervention as a tool to help me reach my goals and be healthy now so I don't become even unhealthier later. This is not a nose job, it's been a process for over a year. This will change the way I eat the rest of my life. I will be on a strict vitamin regimen forever. This is not going to be easy. That's how I know it's going to work.

For those of us who struggle with our weight, let me remind you: naturally thin people do not get it. But it's not their fault. They will say things that feel wildly disrespectful and hurtful. We still need to let them love us and care about our struggles. And for those of you that don't struggle with your weight, let me remind you: go easy. Choose to be kind and choose your words carefully, because your words matter. That's a good life lesson for all of us.

So, I will keep practicing being brave. And I am excited about what's next.

Practicing being brave

Practicing being brave because, clearly, this is not Georgie's
favorite situation to be in. But one day, it will be!

So my second dog, Georgie, just got back from "camp" for three weeks. What is camp you might wonder? He lived with a trainer for three weeks and worked on potty training, basic commands, and social anxiety. But as his trainer put it, he spent a lot of time "practicing being brave."

This phrase made me laugh at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought how perfectly it defines not just my dog's emotions, but mine. This practice is necessary for my shy dog because he is putting himself out there and meeting people when he would rather sit at home and play video games.

Wait, that's me.

Social anxiety in humans is mimicked in their dogs. I now have two dogs that struggle with new environments and comfort with new people. Ok God, I get it. So the three members of my household are now practicing being brave together. Today that meant that Shiloh, Georgie, and I went to the little main street in my town and sat on a bench while motorcycles, strollers, and people walked by. We even ran into a group of ladies leaving a Wednesday knitting club and they gave my dogs lots of practice! (told you I live in a small town)

That was great practice for Georgie and Shiloh. But what about me? Well, I practiced being brave today by pulling myself off the couch, turning off Vanderpump Rules, and going for a work out. I know it was brave because I didn't want to do it. I wanted to order a pizza. Or get Panera (and not the healthy kind of Panera). I get tired of the effort, and the journey, and the working out, and the not eating McDonalds. But being healthy is a daily choice. And right now, it is my daily practice of being brave.

It's easy to do what we've always done. But it's lonely. And to get what I've never had, I have to do what I've never done. Georgie and Shiloh say "AMEN!"

Oh and did I mention that Georgie starts training tomorrow to become a therapy dog? Imagine this face in hospitals and hospice facilities bringing joy into worlds of grief. I MEAN.

Nobody blogs from the valley

A few years ago, I lost 80 pounds. Rather publicly because I shared the journey and had a ton of accountability and it was amazing. A time worth blogging about.

Since then, sidelined by two back surgeries and a general loss of willpower and interest, I have gained back most of the wait. Rather quietly because I didn't share that journey and it was terrible. A time that no one blogs about because nobody blogs from the valley.

But guys great news! I have stopped the slide into complacency and I made a choice exactly seven days ago to focus on my health again. Walking out of the valley isn't going to be easy but I am no longer willing to stay there.

What happened seven days ago that clicked? Several things collided but one thing in particular is worth sharing. My friend reminded me of a show called "My 600lb Life." If you haven't seen it, it's on TLC and it shares a year in the life of someone who is trying to get their life back with weight loss surgery.

This show is extreme. People who let themselves reach that weight have lived extreme circumstances and cope with food in extreme ways. But I saw myself in those weight loss surgery patients. None of them ever thought they would weigh 600 pounds. They never stopped the slide into complacency.

The other great thing about the show is that it dives deep into the emotional and psychological reasons that we use food as a coping mechanism. Food has always been my drug of choice and I saw myself in all the conversations patients were having on this show.

Sharing the struggle is part of what will make me successful. The struggle is also the reason most of us stay quiet. I have really debated whether or not to start blogging again. There certainly is some embarrassment that I am not where I was. But if you know me, you know that I LOVE to embarrass my friends in public so it's time to let that embarrassment go and choose to be honest.

And if I can be ok with public embarrassment, maybe my friends will follow?