Can you see Jesus in the clouds?

My friend Dee and I have a saying - "kingdom clouds." Kingdom clouds are the white, fluffy clouds that you see in beautiful blue skies. Clouds that look so fluffy, you can only imagine the kingdom of God inside of them. Thick, white clouds that belong to God and just might have God right inside of them.

When we see kingdom clouds, it is the reminder of God on this earth, making something beautiful just for us.

On Sunday morning, I went for a run. I have one of those Nike GPS apps on my iPhone that will tell me pace every 5 minutes. Sometimes I love that lady's voice when she interrupts my playlist to tell me how fast I am going. Sometimes, I hate that lady's voice when she interrupts my playlist to tell me how SLOW I am going. On Sunday, I hated her voice.

But my run was great, and I was on the way back running down Two Creeks Road. I was running down the right side of the street, and another lady was running down the left side of the street. We were both going the same direction, so I saw her out of the corner of my eye as she passed me across the street. When I saw her I thought "ugh, come on...this lady is going so much faster than me. I am so slow."

My internal dialogue continued: "this is so frustrating! Why can't I be as fast as her?" I beat myself like this for a few more moments and then, a shift happened. "What am I doing? Quit being so hard on yourself and realize that you have just run 3 1/2 miles and you feel great! Your legs are strong, your heart is pumping, and your mind is getting sharper and sharper. You are doing awesome, stop beating yourself up!"

I am not kidding you...as soon as I realized that thought and decided to stop beating myself up, this woman, across the street and ahead of me, turned around mid-stride and gave me a thumbs up.

Did she know what I was thinking at that exact moment? No. But God did. Did she know I needed some encouragement? Maybe. But God definitely did. I saw Jesus in that lady jogger just like I see Him in those kingdom clouds. You see the same joggers and the same clouds that I do...but do you see Jesus in them like I do?

Do you see Jesus in the people and places around you? Do you know how badly God is trying to get your attention? This is a beautiful life, and when I stop beating myself up and look for Jesus, I get it. I really, really get it.

But, we have to stop beating ourselves up first.

-Liz

What are the three greatest words in the English language?

Notice she says "we"...not "I".

Last week I bit the bullet and posted some pictures of my weight loss progress. In previous posts that I felt like, man, this is good, and I hope people respond...I would get 200 or 300 hits over the course of a month and I thought that was huge.

If that was huge, the feedback to this last post is...monstrous.

I have been checking it every day, and almost 4,000 people have looked at it - since Tuesday. I don't think numbers are a sheer gauge of success. What I do think, however, is that there are conversations starting amongst people that I don't know. Thoughts are spinning. Minds are wondering. Can I do this? Why can't I get a handle on this in my own life? Why haven't I given this part of my life up to God yet? Why am I trying to do this alone?

People have responded to me. People from my past. Old Young Life girls that I used to lead when they were in high school, old friends that I went to high school with, people that knew me so well at one point in my life but now we have drifted apart, and people that I barely know but see in my daily life here in North Carolina.

Is it weird that I am this honest and strangers know my deepest struggles on this blog? Yeah, it's weird. But at this point in my life, it is weirder to NOT be honest about something we ALL struggle with. And to be allowed to start the conversation and encourage others to do the same.

I heard once that the three greatest words in the English language are "Yeah, me too." If you are reading my blog, and you realize you aren't alone in your struggle, then we are ALL succeeding. We can't do life alone. We weren't created to, and it doesn't work when we try to.

Wondering if you can do it? If you can make a change and realize you are WORTH MORE? Yeah, me too.

-Liz

I guess it's finally time for before and after pics...

I never wanted to be that person that posts before and after pics. Whenever I see them on tv or online, I always think "wow, that was so quick!" People make it look...easy.



TOMS walk, April 2011. I officially
started the weight loss journey in
October 2011, but this is the best
"before" shot.



This was NOT easy. This will continue to be NOT easy. This is, in fact, the hardest thing I have ever done, and it's not even close to being over.



So just remember, these pictures are moments in time. They are brief snapshots. You see two versions of me. What you can't see is the sweat, the tears, the pain, the injuries, the early mornings, the late nights, the wonder, the glory, the highs, the lows, and everything in between. And I mean everything.



 I wish I had a picture of me choosing a different route home so I didn't have to drive by a McDonald's. I wish I had a picture of me not eating the tray of christmas cookies at my aunt's house. I wish I had a picture of me at the pool yesterday when, for the first time in my life, I could walk around in my bathing suit and not be self-conscious. I wish I had a picture of every single training session I have had with my trainer, the Romainiac (if you've ever trained her, you would know why she gets that nickname).



So many pictures I don't have. And I really wish that I had a picture of Jesus Christ Himself, running beside me down the Tobacco Trail for 7 miles. Because that would have to be the craziest picture anyone has ever seen. I may not have a picture, but trust me...it happened. And it was very, very good.

Here's to the next 71 pounds!



A recent pic with one of partners in crime, Lauren.
The crime? Breaking hearts. Oh yeah also...kicking ass
and taking names.

When you trip down memory lane

Last night I went to dinner with two of my favorite Young Life girls from Leesville High School. They are now women. Married, kids, and welcoming their 30s. It was one of those moments in time that just takes you back. And it really, REALLY took me back.

One of them said "I want to ask you a question, but before I do, I want to apologize if it's over the line." That statement already had me excited about what was next. She said "Do you wonder why your friends didn't encourage you to lose weight sooner?"

Hmm. I am still pondering this. When I started this weight loss journey, it wasn't my friends that encouraged me to do it. It wasn't a big moment in time where I knew something had to change, nothing percipatated it, nothing hit me as a rock bottom. For all intents and purposes, it was just - time to change.

Do I wonder why my friends didn't encourage me to lose weight sooner? Yes. I think about that quite a bit actually. Is there something about me that makes me unapproachable? Am I too tough? Am I too proud? Am I independent to a fault?

And this was the point in the dinner that I tripped down memory lane. I fell into that place of "I couldn't let anyone in, and I couldn't be told what to do. I still can't." And trust me, I struggle with this every day. This blog itself is a coping mechanism for me to let people in. To let down my guard and take in the good and the bad.

What will happen to all of us if we just...let people into the pain? If we weren't afraid of being ourselves to people, how would that change the world? And maybe more importantly, who is it in your life that needs to know that you struggle so that they can feel the freedom to struggle right there with you?

-Liz

Dear high school me...

Last weekend I went up to PA to visit my family and to meet my friend Dee so we could road trip back down to NC together.

I had some downtime on Saturday, so I decided to go over to my alma mater's track and run a little bit. Things have certainly changed since I was at Unionville High School. Now the track is crazy fancy, the football field is turf, and there are advertising billboards everywhere. When I went there, the track was gravel, the football field was full of divots, and the only advertising was the occasional announcement over the PA during halftime.

This is a picture of the field at the high school. This is also a picture of me beginning a reminiscing process that took me back to high school me. High school me hated this track. She feared it. She watched people run around it and wonder how they did it. She had to take P.E. on it and used the old "I have cramps" excuse more than a few times. (sorry, boys...TMI?)

She was also very insecure, and hid her body behind clothes that were baggy, made for boys, and plain enough to never draw attention to herself. She was defeated, knowing there was more out there for her, but afraid to try.

So last Saturday, I took high school me for a run. And we did the fastest 4 mile run I have EVER done. 4 miles in 48 minutes. That's a big deal. Each lap around that track was a marked victory for me. This lap is for high school me, to remind me that I can do it. This one is for high school me, to reclaim the dignity I never showed to myself. This one is for high school me, to give me back the respect and worth that I deserve. Lap after lap after lap.

It is good for us to reminisce. It is VERY good for us to confront the past and not let it poison our present. So go down memory lane if you are so bold, but make sure you bring Jesus with you. Last Saturday, He was pretty clear about running with me around memory lane, but then driving with my friend Dee and I back to North Carolina, to a present where things are looking brighter and brighter.

-Liz

"I just bought the cutest outfit at Old Navy!"

You would hear this all day every day from most people in the world. You would NEVER hear this come out of my mouth. Until now.

Today, I shopped. Today, I tried things on. Today, I had a variety of things I COULD try on. I could put things back, I could pass over things, I could check prices, I could shop a size....smaller. Things were too big. And I found a cute outfit, and I bought it.

What the heck is happening to me?

I can't believe this journey sometimes. It is all together heartbreaking, glorious, unbelievable, painful, joyful, and most of all - life altering. Every day is something new. And today, for some reason that only God will be able to reveal to me eventually, today I had conversation after conversation about "how I did this."

People want to know how I did it. What's the trick? What's the secret? The tricky secret is that I get to talk about Jesus. I get to tell people that I wasn't ready to change until I knew I was worth changing. That I was made for more. That Jesus loved me more than anyone, and that He loved me too much to leave me the way I was...unwilling to change.

Is this the hardest thing I have ever done? Yes. Is this the most painful thing I've ever gone through? Yes. But is this the greatest story of God's redemptive hand on my life so far? Oh, hell yes. (that's right, I cursed. Get off me.)

Oh by the way, I took off my "pounds lost" tracker from here. Not because it's not important, but because I was making that number too important and giving it too much power.

But hey, there's something in ALL of our lives that has too much power over us, isn't there? Cut it loose.

-Liz

A birthday without cake

Yesterday was my 36th birthday. I feel super old. Let's just get that one out of the way.

It was a HARD day for me, and I couldn't really figure out why. I had a good night with great friends, I had a good workout, I was with some ladies from church at a baby shower...it should have been a day of celebrating life. I mean, I am almost 70 pounds lighter and certainly more secure in Jesus, so what's the deal?

Can I be honest? You know what the best part about a birthday is? You know what the best part of any celebration is? CAKE. FOOD. PARTY. FOOD. CAKE. ICE CREAM. CAKE. This year...no cake. No ice cream. No fun.

The thought crossed my mind yesterday that crosses all of our minds sometimes: "It's my birthday. Why can't I have cake? I deserve it. This is so stupid."

I have lived 35 years that way, thinking about what I deserved, and indulging in every single thing that I thought I deserved. That put me into a mental state that is pretty frightening as I look back on it. Let me be clear...food itself won't make us sick. Using food as a substitute for God...will. And that's what I did.

• Did I need comfort? -food
• Was I bored? - food
• Was I sad? - food
• Was I sick? - food

Was I lonely, happy, with people, alone, depressed, elated, celebrating, mourning, worried, anxious, afraid? Food, food, food.

Is that the life that I truly deserved?

So, although yesterday was hard, I am glad that I did NOT use food to celebrate, to comfort, to entertain, and to numb. Instead, I am staying in the fight and acknowledging that high fructose corn syrup will not give me life. Jesus will. Red dye #6 will not heal my hurts. Jesus will. Enriched bleached flour will not walk beside me in the midst of pain. Jesus will.

This...THIS is the life that we truly deserve.

-Liz