The thrill of victory immediately followed by...

The past 48 hours have been...a lot.
On Tuesday, I rode my first rollercoaster since I was 12. Why did I wait so long? Because since I was 12, I was just too big to fit.

Too big to fit. Feels like the story of my life.

But not anymore.

The pictures attached to this post are hilarious. And strange. I would love to say that I rode the Intimidator at Carowinds with the city of Charlotte in the distance, beneath me, feeling the thrill of victory.



I'm so excited! This is gonna be...easy?

 The truth is, I was scared to death. But we arrived at the park, and it was the first ride we did. Go big or go home, right? If you want to know how big the Intimidator is exactly, check this out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTl7Vdy9j0Q

I wish I could explain how crazy this was for me. And the ride itself wasn't the victory. The victory came when I sat next to my friend Lauren, and my legs fit into the molded plastic seat. My butt fit. The lap band fit easily. So then I started to cry. This has been an unattainable goal for me for the past 20+ years. Not anymore.



Thumbs up (stay calm...), thumbs up (stay calm...)

 So we started going up on the Intimidator. We are drying our eyes (good friends cry with you), and it was a good thing because common sense didn't have time to kick in. We are climbing FOREVER on this thing and close to the top I was wondering how could I get off this thing (remembering, oh yeah, I am scared of heights).

All I remember is my friend clawing my arm and me yelling at her "DON'T EVER LET GO!" I also remember completely coming out of my seat at two points in the ride because the drops were so huge. That's why, in the $10 Carowinds photo I bought (I would've paid a lot more to capture this moment, trust me), I look lost, confused, and maybe a little angry.

When it was over, all of my co-workers were clapping for me. They were genuinely excited to share this moment. As soon as the thrill was over, the nausea set in. So we went to get in line for the next ride, "Nighthawk." We waited about an hour, in which time I popped a Dramamine and tried my best to not sweat so much. This thing is like a superman ride where it lays you down flat and spins you like a corkscrew. Think harnesses and dentists chairs coupled with loops and spins.

Interested?

Apparently, it earned its name for a reason.

So we get to the platform at the front of the line, and I hear something splatter about 20 feet from me. Yes, someone threw up. Needless to say, this shook my confidence before getting on this thing. It was our turn, and I still hadn't recovered from the INTIMIDATOR (all caps means it's for real). So I go to sit in the seat, and I feel the big shoulder straps, and I immediately get right back up, start to shake my finger at it and say "Nope, nope, no..." and head for the exit. Before my friend could say "What's happening?" I was walking down the stairs and heading for the exit.

If anyone asks, this IS the face of victory. Or nausea.

The rest of the day, we rode the wooden roller coasters. These were MUCH more my speed. No upside down, no death drops, just scary enough. The big victory about this day though, is that I now have the CHOICE to ride rollercoasters if I want to. I don't have to make up excuses anymore of why I don't want to. I can if I want to! And if I just happen to get motion sickness from them or they are too much for me, so be it. But I can say yes or no.

THIS my friends, is victory.

And spoiler alert for tomorrow or whenever I can get to it...today I have had to make a reset in my weight journey. For a lot of reasons. I have gained 6 pounds back in the last month, I have lost focus on Jesus, and I have lost the confidence in myself to keep going. I just want to get into it in a separate post because this is already feeling long.

(enter cliffhanger soap opera music here)

-Liz

I'm riding a rollercoaster. And not the metaphorical kind.

Tomorrow, world, is a freaking crazy day. Tomorrow is a day that I never thought I would see. Tomorrow is a dream, a nightmare, a challenge, and a victory.

Tomorrow...I am riding rollercoasters.

Our Y director team is taking a trip to Carowinds for the day, and I have been preparing for it for kind of my whole life. No big deal.

The last time I rode a rollercoaster of any kind was at Hershey Park. I was probably...15 or 16. I remember vividly being in one of those swing things and sitting in them, or should I say, stuffing myself in them. The writing was on the wall. I imagined those chains breaking and launching me in the atmosphere and never being able to get out of that tiny seat again. Needless to say, that was the last ride for me.

So here we go, 20 years later. I would be lying if I said I didn't have any anxiety about this, because I do. Will I fit? Will I get to the front of the long line and be turned away by a smug Carowinds employee? Will the people around me wonder if I'm going to fit, and will they hope that I won't sit anywhere near them?

When I was starting the weight loss stuff, "riding a rollercoaster" was at the top of my list as my far-away, reaching goal. Because as hard as it might be to believe, I never thought I would see the inside of an amusement park again. Tomorrow, that day has arrived.

Big things are happening. No pun intended.

-Liz

What keeps you running?

I remember, very clearly, being a student at Unionville High School and watching people run around the track and having anxiety like you would not believe. That oval has always been foreign to me. In fact, the entire world of athletes and sports and fitness seemed to be my natural enemy.

It's hard to explain what's been happening to me in terms of my relationship with working out. I have two women that I meet with regularly to talk about our weight struggles and victories. When we first started meeting, I didn't believe my friend Pam when she told me that "one day, you won't be dying to eat fast food like you are now." I didn't believe my trainer when she told me that "one day, you will crave working out like you crave junk food now."

I thought they were crazy. I was very wrong.

There is a shift that happens when you choose that you are worth saving. This shift happens when I said to myself "I deserve a life better than this cycle of eating crap secretly and using food to fill the places in my heart that only God can fill." Most of us don't believe we are worth the unconditional love that God is offering to us. So we try to find that love in things that ultimately let us down, leave us more broken than we started, and put us on a path of self-destruction.

That's what food has done for me, and it showed on my physically. How many of us have those things in our lives, but the evidence isn't as obvious?

Yesterday morning I got up and I ran 4 miles. This morning I got up and I ran 4 miles. Running has become my thinking spot. I truly see Jesus Himself running beside me and showing me the path ahead and reflecting on the path behind. We have come so far. We all have. And the allusions to life that I get while I am running are endless. Hills, valleys, weather, speed, distance, all of it.

The one thing that struck me today, though, is this: I am never going back to how I used to be. How could I ever forget the things that God has shown me? It's like seeing with perfect vision for the first time and then choosing to be blind again. Why would anyone do that? Yet, we all do that to God in certain times of our lives.

Challenge for the day: keep running. Stay in the race, knowing that Jesus is with you. He might be taking you somewhere unknown, but it is somewhere better.

-Liz

Big people. Little world.

A few days ago I got back from my little "spring break" trip as I like to call it. I went with three girl friends to the Barcelo Maya Resort outside of Cancun.

I've been trying to write a blog about my trip since I came back, but I don't know where to begin. How can I explain what it feels like to finally be a part of a world that always seemed too small for me?

I tried to find an old photo of me in a bathing suit
to compare to the most recent one above, but I
realized that I didn't have one. I have NEVER
wanted anyone to take my picture in a bathing suit.

If you've never struggled with your weight, this might not apply to you. But imagine living in a world that just seems like it wasn't built for you. Everything is too small. Too tight. Too hot. Too crowded. All in all, just too much. It might make you want to - retreat.

And for my whole life, I did just that. I made a lot of excuses about why I didn't want to do things. I was afraid, I had a fear of flying, I was too tired to swim, I was too scared to snorkel. You name it, I used the excuse.

On our trip to Mexico last week, I found that my body has changed, yes, but my mind is still a SERIOUS work in progress. The thought of us trying new things scared the crap out of me. Even laying on a floatie in the ocean was a mental challenge. Would it hold me? Would I actually float on this tiny piece of air-filled plastic?

And could I really walk around in a bathing suit without wearing shorts and a t-shirt? Would people stare at me? Oh, and they had kayaking there, too. But I could never actually kayak before, I was always over the weight limit. Would the beach chairs hold me? Would the restaurant chairs have arms? How do I know that I'll fit? Will I be...embarrassed?

Never underestimate the power of a friendship.
Accountability is purely life-changing.

You see, these are the things that I have always worried about. When you are overweight, your physical body becomes a barrier to the world around you, and you get used to that. In fact, you make it that way. When you're overweight, you don't have to let anyone in. This big scary "secret struggle" is actually on display for the world to see. But it also allowed me to control everything around me.

So I don't know how to explain my trip to Mexico. I don't know how to convey how different the world is now that I can fit into it. How do I explain what it feels like to walk around in a bathing suit all day without shame? How do I describe the feeling of being just another person at a resort? How do I share with you the victory of taking a trip to a tropical resort without any fear?

Yes, we kayaked. And snorkeled. And I sat in hammocks, and beach chairs, and arm chairs, and airplane seats, and took a lot of pictures of myself in a bathing suit. Without shame. I could easily write a hundred pages about how this felt to me, but for now I can leave it at this: it feels so good to be a part of the world now.

And it fits just fine.

-Liz

My first spring break

Tomorrow I am going to a resort outside of Cancun, Mexico. It is a trip that I have been planning with three of my friends since March. This place is an all-inclusive resort with beaches, pools, spas, shows, restaurants, and all the other stuff.

This is my first spring break.

I have never gone on spring break like most typical people do. Not in high school, not in college. I have taken spring breaks, sure...but I have never done the beach thing. You know why. That would mean...bathing suits. Showing skin. Being self-conscious of my body, knowing I was the biggest one on the beach, jealous of "normal" people, and embarrassed to be the only person swimming with shorts on top of my bathing suit.

There are so many reasons I am excited for this trip tomorrow. I am excited to sit in the airplane seats. I will be able to put the armrests down and wear the seat belt comfortably! Some of you know how much of a victory this is. I will be able to fit in any beach chair, any lounge chair, wear a bathing suit and not be embarrassed.

I have a long way to go with my weight loss. But this trip is a celebration for me that I have come a long way. I need to celebrate this and not forget what God has done. I have never in my life taken a long beach trip with three girls. I have protected myself from this because it was just too embarrassing.

Not anymore, friends. Not anymore.

(side note: if you are the praying type and could remember to pray for me while we're gone, I need it. All-inclusive means...EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT. For me, it's like letting an alcoholic be in charge of a bar for 5 days. I need the prayer.)

-Liz

Just do it.

This morning, my friend Dee and I got up early with the intent of running twice around Lake Pine near my house. That's a 2 mile loop, so we planned on doing 4 miles.

I was thinking a lot while we were running. I was thinking a lot about how similar this exercise journey has been to my journey with God. Indulge me in this...

This morning, a friend and I got up and planned to run. We ran. It was hot. It sucked at times. I wanted to quit. I ran at my own pace and Dee ran at her own pace. We started together, and she finished before me and waited until I was done.

We passed a lot of people. We passed walkers, people with friends, people alone, runners, joggers, people that have done this a hundred times before and a few people who, visibly, had never done this before and had to stop their run and walk up the hills.

But they did make it up the hills. They didn't quit.

Here's the thing about running for me...I just have to do it. And I have to remove the blockers that I get into my head that stop me from doing it. Here is my short list of things that are helping me to do it:

1. I have a friend that goes with me, or at least a friend that I report back to.
2. I have a plan.
3. I am patient with myself and know that I am improving.
4. If I miss a week, I remember that it will be harder to get back in the routine.
5. I never forget where I came from so that I will be even more excited to see where I'm going.

Why do I expect my relationship with God to be any different?

I am finding that I run to God when I need Him. I look to God when I am desperate. I want God to solve my problems, but then I want Him to leave me alone. I am impatient with myself. I want to be close to God without the work. I don't want to wait. I want to run a marathon now. I don't want to first learn how to run a mile.

Do you get that? Do you see how we want the marathon spirituality without the one mile preparation? Any running coach would tell you that this is impossible. In fact, if you haven't been training for a distance run and then get out there and try it on a whim, you'd get hurt. You'd be disappointed, defeated, and depressed. Falling short.

Have you felt that way about God? I have. But the reminder to me is that...when I feel far from God, it's not God that's changed position. It's me.

If you are looking for God, don't be discouraged. God was looking for you first. He has a plan for you and wants to run a marathon with you. But the problem is, you have to get out there and run a mile with Him, first. Trust Him in the small things, and watch how He puts the big, exciting things into your life.

Look at that list of five things above. And apply that to your alone time with God. Think of it as a recipe for a relationship with Jesus. 

So get out there. Just do it. Please don't sue me, Nike.

-Liz

If your refrigerator could speak...

I went grocery shopping today since we were out of bananas. Yes my friends, this is always a tragedy.

I am painfully aware of the ways I use food as a coping mechanism for life's ups and downs. Food is there for me when I celebrate, when I mourn, when I am lonely, when I am in community, and truly every emotion in between.

The cool thing now, is to see how I use food in the moment. For instance, I was really hungry today after I worked out. (side note: it was also something like 325 degrees in NC today, so heat makes me want to stay indoors, watch Mad Men reruns, and eat everything in sight) When I was driving back from the Y, I passed Chipotle. Firehouse Subs. McDonalds. Wendy's. Taco Bell. Some new wings restaurant. I even went to Trader Joe's on an empty stomach.

That was my first mistake.

But the reason why all of today was cool, is that the old Liz would have made a b-line to any of the above drive-thrus and gotten my heart's desire. Even though I just ran 4 1/2 miles today, the crazy part of me would say "you deserve to eat whatever you want now!" Really? Do I really deserve that? Do I deserve to work my ass off and then eat my ass right back on?

Pardon the language, but honestly...is this not crazy to you?

Yet we all live this way. Maybe we eat great in public, ordering the half portions at Panera and only drinking water throughout the day, no sweets in the break room and always avoiding birthday cake. But maybe we then go to Harris Teeter and hit up the bakery like they are going out of business. We then go home, lock the door, close the blinds, screen the phone calls and watch Mad Men reruns.

I say this like I have done this before. Well, duh.

Here's the thing - the new Liz knows better. And I can't stress enough how much of a process this whole year has been. I maybe appeared healthy to the outside world, but secret eating was my JAM. I was the best at it. It made me so happy and then, 30 minutes later, it made me so sad. I would work out with my trainer and kill it in the gym, and then I would work out with McDonald's and kill it in front of the tv. Alone, alone alone.

Get the picture?

Let's cut it out with the secret stuff. Who is holding you accountable? Who is your support system? If you are trying to make ANY kind of change, believe me when I say that it won't last until you have someone that you trust walking through it with you.

And here is a little picture of accountability for all of you faceless friends that read my blog. A year ago, if you showed me this picture, I would say "it's a shame all those vegetables are going to go bad because who would ever eat BEETS?"

(Beets are a crazy superfood but are also crazy gross...but I put them in the Vitamix and I can't even taste them so that's what's up.)

If you don't have anyone holding you accountable, find one. Find ten. Find whatever it takes to help you when you don't think you need help. (For a stoonad like me, it takes a village.)

-Liz