How long?

I waited patiently for the Lord;
he inclined to me and heard my cry.
² He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.
³ He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the Lord.      
-Psalm 40

There is a U2 song called "40" that borrows heavily from this Psalm. The chorus sings "How long to sing this song? How long?"

So here it is, 2:30 am on a Tuesday, and I have this song, this psalm, in my head.

Have you ever gone through something that, at first, a lot of people rallied around you and wanted to help but they just couldn't? Inherently, once people don't know how to help, they stop trying to help. This is no fault of their own, it's just human nature. See, if we don't know how to help, we think we are just - helpless, so we move on to the next manageable way that we CAN be of service to someone.

I am in that zone. My back injury has been happening since summer, and it's been severe for about two months now. Severe means can't exercise. Can't walk. Can't sleep. Can't stand. I have become completely reliant on God. I have no other choice. And sometimes, I feel like I have no other help.

Tomorrow I have an MRI, and I have hope again. Nothing else has worked. I have spent a lot of time, energy, money, and emotion looking for relief for my back and my leg. I dream of running again. Heck, right now, I dream of standing in the lobby of our YMCA and having a conversation with someone without needing to sit down or lean on something.

How long?

I have learned a lot about perspective in the past six months. I have also learned that there is a lot of private pain that goes on in the people around me every single day. And if my situation might speak to someone else's situation, I am grateful. The good news here, is that this season won't last forever. Even though it feels like a lifetime since I have been pain free.

I remember my dad once telling me, in a tear-filled conversation: "Lizzie, this is just your rainy season. And it won't rain forever."

Is this your rainy season? While we might be asking God "how long?" He might be trying to tell us - "Not forever."

-Liz

Sometimes people need YOU, not your answers.

You know, we as human beings really can't help but overanalyze our lives when bad things happen. Or  when bad things happen to our friends. As friends, we believe it's our role to explain WHY said bad thing happened, and then help our friends move on.

But what about when you don't have the answers?

I have a friend who is walking through some medical struggles (to the say the least) that make my back pain seem insignificant (but I am not comparing pain). Because we are both typically very active people, it has helped me IMMENSELY to talk this through with her. The coolest thing she has shown me though, is that other people try to fix our problems, not just listen to them.

I have noticed that with my pain over the last few months. I have an AMAZING community of friends. And a lot of sweet women that want to solve my problem for me. What I really need is a hug sometimes, not a proposed solution. And what my friend shared with me is that it can feel condescending when someone minimizes your pain by explaining it away.

I wrote about this some in my last blog, but it has been cool to see how God has provided someone else for me to vent to and talk to about this because she is going through similar pain. And, through her, God has shown me that my friend doesn't need my answers. She just needs me. Again, it's that beauty in brokenness thing that God keeps showing me.

Tomorrow is round 3 of my steroid injections. I have HUGE hope that this will work. I need it to. I mean, I am up at 7am when I don't need to be because I now have an internal alarm clock in the form of nerve pain all down my left leg that simply won't let me sleep late (or much at all).

In the meantime, I thought I would bring a little joy into your day in the form of a guy who should own his own karaoke bar. I aspire to bring joy to people like this guy did. Enjoy.

"God just wanted to slow you down!"

If I hear that one more time, I might kick someone with my good leg.

My faith has been shaken.

There. I said it.

It is still shaky. And I will tell you why.

Two steroid epidurals, icing, resting, and months of prayer from friends and family later...I am still the same. I can barely walk. My left leg constantly feels like it is on fire from pain shooting down my leg, and all week every week I grin and bear it. Every time I have to walk somewhere to pick something up from another office, or to go talk to someone, or to go to the bathroom, I have to give myself a pep talk. "You can do this. You can do this."

I can't do this.

Friends have been praying for healing. I wake up and I pray for healing. I have begged God. I have pleaded. I have written to him every morning. I have been faithful and obedient. I know he loves me. I know this is not the life he wants for me, especially when being active has been a lifeline for me and the catalyst for my weight loss.

But nothing has changed.

A week or so ago, days after my second epidural, I was doing better, so I biked. Nothing major. Nothing crazy. But only a few days after that, the pain returned to where I can't walk ten steps anymore without debilitating pain.

I can't stand up at church. I can't lay down comfortable at night. I can't go shopping with friends. It absolutely and completely sucks.

I've had to get creative with my down time. Time that
was once reserved for work outs is now reserved for
jigsaw puzzles and online sermon series.

I'm past the point of "God is teaching me patience." I am past the point of "God will heal you!" I am past the point of "God just wanted to slow me down to show me stuff!"

I think we all try to reason away pain because we simply don't understand it. Same thing with death. Ever notice how people have strange reactions to death? Some are inconsolable, some act like they knew the person way better than anyone else, some want to explain it, some want to move past it right away, some NEVER move past it the rest of their lives. We don't understand death because we were never created to experience death. 

The plan was for Adam and Eve to live forever. But sin screwed that up for everyone.

Now I don't think my back pain is some biblical warning against sin. But I do think it's just a crap situation for me and I wish more people would just sit in it with me rather than try to explain it, solve it, or reason it away by saying "God is teaching you something glorious!" It's also showing me how much I have reasoned away other people's pain instead of been beside them like they needed.

The awesome revelation here? People need YOU. Sometimes, they aren't looking for your answers. They are looking for YOU.

Once again, God is bringing beauty out of brokenness. But he didn't cause this brokenness. But I will be honest and say, I need some healing. Fast.

God hasn't healed me yet. Or allowed any significant help medically. And I'm pissed about that. But even in my shaky faith, I will pray. Because I know God can do all things. I just wish he would choose to heal my back. Monday, I have another appointment with my back specialist guy to see what's next, either another injection or options for surgery.

And so we keep praying.

-Liz

Do people really know how you feel about them?

We live in a critical, cynical world. But I have a little dare for you. Watch this. And then tell someone how you REALLY feel about them. Because I bet you, they have NO idea how great you think they are.



A New Perspective For Moms from Elevation Church on Vimeo.

Seriously...go tell someone how much they mean to you.

-Liz

Nothing but grateful.

I was fortunate enough to go to our area's Young Life banquet last night. I saw SO MANY old friends. People I used to lead with, people I went to college with, women that have shaped my faith and walked with me through pain over the years, and kids that I know now who are experiencing Young Life for the first time like I did when I was in high school.

I was reminded how God uses other people to change our lives. And I was reminded to be grateful for that.

My whole life, God has been trying to talk to me through other people. In high school, a woman named Carol took an interest in me, asked me to come to Young Life, and that decision she made to show up at Unionville High School changed my life. And because of her faith, I have grown and God has used me to change the lives of others.

My recent back injury has been another great example of this. I had no idea of the support system I had until I was down and out. Just this morning I was able to wake up and go work out without my two hour time window to stretch and ice my back. I was so grateful to be able to walk, to feel my leg and back getting stronger, to be able to lift, to cycle, all of it.

But I am just as grateful for the people that care about me. So many people were asking about me, last night and this morning. I can't get over that. And it was a swift reminder of the things I complain about and am not grateful for.

See, tough people like me do NOT want to have to rely on others. But for the past few months, I have had to call on friends like never before. That's what happens when your toilet explodes or when you can't drive yourself home from a doctor's appointment.

I stole this picture from my friend Pam's facebook. Hopefully she's ok with it. Do I live my life being grateful? Not really. I complain about my wireless not being fast enough. My grocery store clerk for taking too long. My paycheck not having enough zeros.

Today I am going to practice the art of gratefulness. I'm going to suck at it, but I am going to keep trying. And to those of you that have encouraged me with your words, notes, texts, emails, and all points in between...you have turned this tough girl into a complete softie.

And I am grateful.

-Liz

When God showed up.

Is it me that shows up, or is it God in me that shows up?

I would be remiss to not document the epic nature of this day. Remember, Thursday (two days ago) was round two of my steroid shots. And on Thursday (two days ago) I could barely stand. And here it is, Saturday. And this is what happened today:

I spent the morning with God. Like every morning in the past two weeks. This, in itself, has been an epic and essential part of my life. It's a joke that I try to maintain a relationship with God when I don't give Him any of my time. Anyone else in my life would have moved on by now. Some have. And who could blame them?

As I was writing in my journal this morning about my physical struggle, God put it in my heart to toss all my junk food out. All of it. So I did. Anything questionable in my house that was impeding my progress was purged. That was amazing.

God showed up.

Mid-morning I went down to NC State to have lunch with the Wizard. Now if you don't know her, you are really missing out. All the while, my leg feels stronger, my back felt loser, and my heart felt fuller. Yeah, fuller.

Do I dare try a workout? I did dare. And I was so...nervous. I have felt defeated, watching myself gain weight back and not be able to control it. Watching my progress turn to regress is heartbreaking. I got on the bike and started pedaling.

And then, God showed up again. In the form of my friend Nancy who works out at the Y frequently, walks with a cane, and never fails to smack my perspective back in line. I said a simple hello to Nancy, but what I really wanted to say is: "you INSPIRE me. Every single day that I see you, and I don't tell you that enough."

So I biked. And I did an upper body workout, and I have never, ever felt so grateful for my hands. And my feet. And the ability to walk. And strength. And progress and struggle and all points in between. Because amidst the peaks and valleys, no matter where I am, God shows up.

I know SO many of you prayed for my healing. I cannot thank you enough. I am overwhelmed with gratitude, and humbled by your love for me. Because of you, God showed up.

It's time for me to start showing up for God a little more.

-Liz

Dear Diary. Daily.

Every day. Every single day.

Yesterday was round 2 of steroid injections. And I was all "Hey, this will be no big deal! Last time it was actually kind of fun!"

I am so naive.

This time, Dr. Bhat got me. And he got me good. Was he mad at me? Bad morning at the golf course? Obamacare got him down? Whatever it was, he took it out on me, and my bare butt (yeah he's seen my beautiful booty twice now and has yet to buy me a meal) on that x-ray table.

Someone asked me what it felt like. You know that sensation when you might accidentally chew tin foil and it hits a filling? (note: who "accidentally chews tin foil'? Me. But it happened more when I was a kid. So I am not sure what my parents were feeding me?

Or what about the feeling when you get a paper cut? But not an ordinary paper cut. This paper cut is from the lip of a manilla envelope and it's in the webbing of your hand or something.

Or if your knee cap momentarily slips out of its home and you were like "what the heck just happened to my body?"

So yeah, add those three things together and multiply them by 5 or so...it's a math problem. A painful one.

But I also said to the doctor and nurse "This hurts WAY more than last time! So that means it's going to work!" I didn't get the resounding high fives I was looking for. I think they were just appeasing me. But I am excited nonetheless.

I am up this morning, and I feel less numbness in my leg. Great sign. I can put more weight on my left leg. Great sign. I have more hope than ever. Great sign.

I do feel like God has said to me "Why has it taken this debilitating injury to get some time with you?" He's right. So I have been practicing that art of surrender and purposefully writing in my journal every morning, THANKING Him for this. Not for causing this (because He didn't...deadlifts did) but for using the pain for good. Beauty out of brokenness. And at the end of each entry I tell him that I love him and I ask for one thing: "God, please heal my body."

Because I know God can. And God will. Stay tuned...

-Liz