When is this going to be over?

Do you ever have one of those days where, you just want the healthy eating and the calorie counting and the exercising to end? When it's raining outside, and you've been in a meeting all day, and you leave that meeting around 12:15 and pass a buffet of mashed potatoes, fried chicken, sweet tea, biscuits, and everything else that you can't eat but everyone else is piling onto their plastic plates so high that the plates are BENDING IN THEIR HANDS.

Sorry, was that too specific?

Today is that day for me. Today, I want to eat everything in sight. Today, I don't want to run. I don't want to eat another banana, I don't want to be positive, I just want to be done. I want to wake up tomorrow and have lost all the weight I want to lose so I can be done.

The problem is...I'll never be done. A friend reminded me of that and it felt like a brick in my stomach. My healthy eating and working out will never be done. Even when I lose a hundred pounds, it won't be done.

A few years ago, I did Weight Watchers. I lost about 40 pounds. Then I had some personal issues that put me into a dark place, and I gained most of that weight back. See, in my dark place, I'm not alone. I bring my sweet and salty friends with me for comfort. And they comforted me all the way back to 300+ pounds. Some friends they were.

Why will this time be different? When will I be done? When can I eat whatever I want and not work out and take it easy and eat like everyone else? Never. Really? Never?

I don't get that yet. I haven't let go of my old friends yet. I guess I feel like I will see Ben, Jerry, Sara Lee, Ronald McDonald, and Wendy again. And we will hang out like we used to. Today, I want to hang out with ALL of them. I am just praying that tomorrow, I will realize that they were never my friends.

We'll see.

-Liz

Dear Diary

On September 21st of last year, I wrote in my journal (which I affectionately term Dear Diary) a list of things that my weight has limited me from in my life. Some things are obvious. Some things, to the world of regular sized people, are not so obvious.

For instance, did you know that the seats at the RBC Center (Raleigh's big stadium) are super skinny and I didn't used to be able to fit in them at all? Or that there are some fast food restaurant booths that don't really fit someone of my old size? (I know...another great reason to not be in a Taco Bell in the first place. Duh.)

And other fun things that the skinny world can enjoy that I had to worry about - horseback riding, airplane seats, kayaking, skydiving, shopping at the mall, on and on and on - these are things I have always tried to avoid. If I avoided them, I could avoid the fact that I was too...heavy.

So back in September I realized...I need to take the power out of those things. That list of things won't elude me aanymore, and I will accomplish my goals. If I listed them out, I could, along the way, cross off the things I did, or saw a difference in, as I lost weight.

Here's the list. Some of them are funny, I know. I am highlighting the things, along the way, that I have been able to do as I am losing weight. It has really helped me to give myself a new rewards system. Instead of food being my reward at the end of a long day, I can now look forward to a pedicure, or a massage, or buying smaller pants! That's my tip for today, I guess...if you have used food as your primary reward, replace it. The sooner that happens, the sooner you break that cycle of rewarding yourself with the thing that got you in this mess in the first place.

I am pretty close to reaching a BIG milestone for me...losing 50 pounds. Stay tuned.

- Liz

Guilt is a great motivator.

I woke up this morning feeling super blah. This transition back into my daily life from Jamaica has been hard. An annoying reality for me is that the food and eating and weight part of it has been the hardest. All of a sudden, I am right back into the obsession of my body, my progress, my insecurity, my fear of failure.

It's funny how, when we're hurt, we think no one can ever understand. And because we feel that way, we decide to separate ourselves, pull away, and lock ourselves into this self-imposed prison of despair and unrealistic sadness.  So I start feeling guilty. I feel guilty about being so wrapped up in my problems, I feel guilty for not logging in my food journal last week, I feel guilty for eating that small piece of cake at Christmas dinner.

I feel guilty. And I am finding that guilt is a great motivator that I use against myself, and against others. But the way it bites you back, is that it makes you worse off than you were before.

When someone hurts me, do I make them feel guilty by withholding love from them in the hopes of teaching them a lesson? When someone doesn't call me back, do I make them feel guilty by withholding forgiveness from them? When I eat something I shouldn't, do I let that guilty feeling carry me through the rest of the day, since I already blew it that day? And since that day is ruined, why not take the week off? And before I know it, I am my own biggest critic. I have lost my identity and security. I have guilted myself into believing that I am not worth more.

I am worth more than this. And so are you. So let's all agree to stop letting guilt motivate us to hate ourselves and give up on ourselves. This stupid cycle has to stop.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come." - 2nd Corinthians 5:17.

YOU ARE NEW! I AM NEW! Every day, every decision, every second does not have to affect the next. Don't let it. Don't let the dark past ruin your bright future.

The old has gone, the new has come.

-Liz

The blog I don't want to write.

So, I went to Jamaica last week on a missions trip. I ate whatever I wanted. I didn't count calories, I didn't control my portions, I didn't obsess over my food intake, I didn't look at my body too long in the mirror everyday, my journal entries weren't consumed with asking God about my weight loss process, my impatience, my struggles, my insecurities.

My days were filled with people I love, kids that needed to be loved, community that needed care and attention, and the sick and the elderly that needed to be touched.

When it comes to my weight loss journey, my week in Jamaica has left me...confused.

When I am not constantly watching my weight, I am afraid that I am completely backsliding into old habits. When I AM contstantly watching my weight, I am afraid that I am so self-focused that I am missing what God is trying to show me.

See my problem?

For those of us that struggle with our weight, it is always on our minds. It is the underlying problem in our social situations, in our group of friends, in our homes, and in our work places. Every event I go to has food laid out lately, and now that the holidays are over and my YMCA is packed with new members wanting to get fit, I am struggling with getting back on the horse.

Last night, I had a VIVID dream that I was doing work on a pint of Ben and Jerry's. The food dreams are back, and so are my desires to attack every snack I see. When I got back from Jamaica, all I could think about was showering, sitting on my blue couch, and eating every sweet and salty American goodness that I was missing in the chicken, fish, and rice world of Jamaica.

I can't help but feel crazy selfish. I am also afraid of the scale when I have to weigh in with my trainer in the next few days. God has to work overtime in the next few days to get me back on track, and I have to find a way to not be so obsessed with my weight that I miss what God has put in front of me.

I am not kicking ass right now. I am getting my ass kicked a little bit. And that's why this is the blog that I don't really want to write, but the valleys are part of the process. I hate the valleys.

-Liz

Coming Soon...

Flew in from Jamaica last night. I have so many thoughts, it's ridiculous. My biggest thought right now is that we have a project this month to ship a container to the families in Jamaica that need clothes, mattresses, and bibles. Here is a little teaser video I did for that project. PLEASE pray about donating $50 towards a family that needs it. Each family has a container that you can shop for. Watch this awesomeness from our week in Whitehouse, Jamaica:

Jamaica tomorrow. Not a cruise. A mission.

Tomorrow I am leading a team of 16 to Jamaica to work with My Father's House ministries in Whitehouse, Westmoreland, Jamaica. I am feeling...unequipped.

I am not sure why God, throughout history, has used broken people to change the world, but He has. All through the bible I read about people who weren't ready, who made huge mistakes, who were outlaws, outcasts, and ousted by others, but God chose them.

And on this day, over 2000 years ago, God chose to walk alongside us as a baby, of all things. And a baby to an unwed mother. Not in an elaborate king's chambers, but in a manger. In a barn, surrounded by donkeys, filthy and cold.

Right now, I sit on a king size bed in my parents' house in Kennett Square, Pennsylvania surrounded by beautiful things. Tomorrow, I will stand in the middle of an impoverished country surrounded by beautiful people.

"So the last will be first, and the first will be last."

I would love your prayer for our week in Jamaica. I would love your prayer that I would get out of the way and let God use me. I would love your prayer that I would choose God and His will above me and my will. Because my will is freaking STRONG and I tend to make situations all about me, even when I don't mean to.

That's how deep my pride goes. Good thing God runs deeper.

-Liz

Feedback that feeds you back

Just got a great message from someone else in the weight struggle:


I just recently starting following your weight loss blog entries. Thank you for sharing! From someone else that struggles it is always encouraging to hear from others and what they are doing! Anyways.. just last night I was writing in my journal that I needed motivation. I can stay focused for a little while and then I sabotage myself! So then this morning I clicked on your blog entry and it was the perfect motivation! I needed to be reminded of my own self-worth and that my motivation is ME! Thanks for sharing!

Have I mentioned lately that you are not alone and that we are all in this together? Also, have I mentioned lately that Madonna's The Immaculate Collection is the best cd to run to? Another free tip. 

-Liz