Take me out to the ball game

Tiny seats. Tiny sweatshirt. Massive dimples.

For most of my adult life, a simple social question created complex social anxiety in my heart:

"Want to go to the game this weekend?"

That question would bring up a slew of follow up questions in my mind: Where is the game? Is it at PNC Arena? What are the seats like? How big are they? Am I going to fit? Are there arms on the chairs? How will I fit past people on the aisles? Will anyone be sitting next to me? Because if so, they are probably going to be squished sitting next to me.

If you've never been overweight, you might think this sounds neurotic and dramatic. I assure you, it is  the series of questions that always went through my head when anyone asked me to a game. Or a concert. Or a restaurant. Or a trip. Or a movie. When you get to be a certain size, your world also gets to be a certain size. I got bigger and my world got smaller.

Last week I was shopping in Kohl's with a friend and her kids. I mentioned needing a new hoodie and  instead of going to the "big and tall" men's section, we went to the women's Nike hoodies. I found a grey XL sweatshirt and held it up when my friend promptly told me "that is WAY too big for you." She handed me a large purple sweatshirt instead and told me to try it on. I panicked for a second, thinking "there is no way this is going to fit, and I am going to be in the middle of Kohl's wearing an impossibly tight sweatshirt looking like a dummy."

But the women's large sweatshirt fit. When 6 months ago I would wear a men's 2xl. I got in line to buy the sweatshirt and I was just staring at the tag. When was the last time I wore a large? When was the last time I wore a women's Nike large? I was fighting back my tears in the checkout line. It was such a victory for me to finally buy something that wasn't the largest something in the store. Even my friend's kind son leaned up against me, looked at me and said "This a lot to take in, huh?" Smart kid.

So I went to the ball game. In my Nike women's large sweatshirt. And I sat in those tiny seats at PNC Arena. And I sat in that moment with thankfulness for every single one of the 108 pounds I have lost so far. What a victory it is for me to fit in anywhere I want now. Any game. Any concert. Any movie. Any airplane. Any Nike sweatshirt.

And as usual, without my friends there, I would have bought that too big grey sweatshirt. And I wouldn't have gone to PNC Arena for fear of not fitting in. And I would not have realized the weight of the moment. (see what I did there?)

Let your friends be your mirror.

Dear Diary

On September 21st of last year, I wrote in my journal (which I affectionately term Dear Diary) a list of things that my weight has limited me from in my life. Some things are obvious. Some things, to the world of regular sized people, are not so obvious.

For instance, did you know that the seats at the RBC Center (Raleigh's big stadium) are super skinny and I didn't used to be able to fit in them at all? Or that there are some fast food restaurant booths that don't really fit someone of my old size? (I know...another great reason to not be in a Taco Bell in the first place. Duh.)

And other fun things that the skinny world can enjoy that I had to worry about - horseback riding, airplane seats, kayaking, skydiving, shopping at the mall, on and on and on - these are things I have always tried to avoid. If I avoided them, I could avoid the fact that I was too...heavy.

So back in September I realized...I need to take the power out of those things. That list of things won't elude me aanymore, and I will accomplish my goals. If I listed them out, I could, along the way, cross off the things I did, or saw a difference in, as I lost weight.

Here's the list. Some of them are funny, I know. I am highlighting the things, along the way, that I have been able to do as I am losing weight. It has really helped me to give myself a new rewards system. Instead of food being my reward at the end of a long day, I can now look forward to a pedicure, or a massage, or buying smaller pants! That's my tip for today, I guess...if you have used food as your primary reward, replace it. The sooner that happens, the sooner you break that cycle of rewarding yourself with the thing that got you in this mess in the first place.

I am pretty close to reaching a BIG milestone for me...losing 50 pounds. Stay tuned.

- Liz