When stupid sayings come true.

"The journey is the destination."

What a stupid saying. At least, that's what I've always thought. I hate admitting when I'm wrong.

A few days ago I fell off the wagon pretty hard. I had some alone time, so I decided to get Cookout. Cheeseburger, onion rings, and a milkshake. I was bracing myself for that terrible feeling of guilt and gluttony afterwards. But it never came. You know what did come? Satisfaction. So that began two days of eating whatever I wanted, not counting calories, and chasing that overfull feeling. At the end of day two, I was actually done with it. It was like I went to visit an old boyfriend, had a fling, and then remembered why I broke it off with him.

Pretty soon, I will hit the one year mark of when I really started doing this weight loss thing. Lately I have found myself in that desert though...where I am not where I was, but I'm not where I want to be. I'm not at my destination. Will I ever get there?

But what if...I'm already there?

And so brings me to my true confession...yes, it's true. The journey is the destination. If I keep living like I am waiting for this to be over, like I am waiting to finally get there, I will always be disappointed and in a rush. I will never live up to my own expectations, and I will be heartbroken.

So I am going to embrace that cheesy saying and admit that it's true. I never believed other people when they said that to me, but they were right. It just took me a while to get there myself. I need to quit being a snob.

Now, let's all get off the internet and journey outside for a run. Keep fighting for yourself!

-Liz

Cheers to the Unknown

Before I even graduated from college, I had a plan of what I wanted my post-college life to look like. I was dead-set on moving to Jamaica to do missionary work for a while. My family and friends from home know that I am a person who loves to be on the move, going from one thing to the next (I promise I really do miss you all). I guess you could say that I have a hard time sitting still. I avoided any plan of getting a “real world” job right after college, and it was no mistake that I never stepped foot in a career fair at Penn State.

While I was so sure that Jamaica was going to work out like I planned, I find myself now living in NC for an indefinite amount of time. This not only takes away from my control to plan out my life and my future, but it also forces me to wait on the Lord’s plans to happen in His timing. I have learned to accept and appreciate two important things from this:

1. “Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.” - John Lennon

If I truly believe that Jesus is my Savior and my reason for living, I need to start not only letting Him into my life, but letting Him lead it. While we believe we know what’s best for us, there is a God who has already planned out our lives and knows where and how to specifically utilize our gifts and our passions. He knows where you are supposed to be, when you are supposed to be there. While we spend so much time planning out our own lives in such crazy detail, we are missing all the blessings He is placing in front of us on this very day.

2. “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” - Neale Donald Walsch

Pastor JD from The Summit once said that how we respond to our disappointments reveals whether or not our plans were God-focused or from selfish ambition. Through that kind of lens, I see now that I’ve been completely leaving God out of my decision-making process and relying on my own desires and strength. For those who are struggling with plans that are failing or falling behind society’s twisted timeline of when things are supposed to happen, I say embrace this season of confusion and the unknown. The reality is that God’s timeline and our personal timelines will never match up how we’d like them to, but they will always turn out to be way more beautiful than we could ever imagine for ourselves when we trust God with our futures.

When the door closed to intern in Jamaica, I was devastated. God kept making it clear to me that it wasn’t supposed to happen, but I refused to listen and kept pursuing the idea of it. My friend explained to me that when you try to open a door that is supposed to stay closed, you could really get hurt trying to pry it back open. I guess you could say she is pretty wise, and that she was right.

So here I am, getting ready for my big girl job in Durham, NC. It wasn’t my plan, but I know that God orchestrated this for a reason. I have no idea what’s next for me, but I know that there is beauty to be found. Today is your chance to find yours!

-Dee

The glass slipper of motorcycle jackets

November 2011

I don't have the energy to write a well thought out post today. But I didn't want to pass over a cool moment I had this weekend.

I really want to get a motorcycle soon, against my better judgment. The serious downside to riding a motorcycle is that I can, well, die...but that doesn't hold a candle to how AWESOME I would look pulling up to work on a motorcycle. Like everything in my life, being a bad ass is priority one, so we'll see what wins out.

Last weekend, my friends Pam and Barb rode with me to try on motorcycle jackets at Cycle Gear. The jacket that I have now is a men's jacket and is like 3 sizes too big. I only wore it once back in October when we took our riding class, and now it just sits in my closet.

The big win for me was that I tried on a women's jacket. And it fit. And it wasn't even the biggest size that they had. Last fall, when we all went there, I couldn't find a jacket in the whole store that could fit me...men's, women's, whatever. Nothing. Now I was in the women's section.

Imagine that. A woman shopping for women's clothes. Even if they happen to be women's motorcycle jackets.

-Liz

Do you know that this is the fight of your life?

I have watched the scale go down this week. Then up. Conversely, I have watched my emotions go up, then down. More than that, I am slowly seeing the reality of the fight that I am in.

And today I am wondering if maybe some of us don't realize the fight that we're in?

When I started all this, it was about losing weight, but I had a feeling that it was about a lot more than that. So just like peeling back an onion, I didn't realize all the layers, all the depth, and all the tears that would come.

Today I feel like everyone around me is feeling this way. That this is MUCH bigger than we all thought it was. I actually just got done working out with my friend Lauren. Neither of us wanted to work out. Both of us were yawning on the treadmills. 2 pm workouts are not smart, but today it was our only option. We were bored. We powered through. And then we talked about the situations we are both in. We lost weight. We gained some back. We overate. We are trying to get back on track. We struggle, we struggle, we struggle.

For what?

Do you know how I know that this is the fight of my life? Because food has had control of me for WAY too long. My weight has held me back from LIFE. And if weight isn't your issue, maybe something else is. Maybe something else is trying to fill the place in your heart that only God can fill. What is it? The way you can figure it out is to ask yourself one important question: "What do you run to when you need comfort?"

All week, I have had friends say things to me like this:

• I wish this was over.
• I don't feel good about myself, so I don't want to go.
• I had a family crisis, and I immediately ran to food.
• I found myself eating ice cream in bed at 10 pm last night, because of stress.
• I have been eating crap all week, and I feel like crap.

This is the fight of your LIFE. Make no mistake. And don't play it off like it's not a big deal. Don't go out to girls night and eat what they eat because you are "celebrating." Don't buy ice cream at the grocery store and bring it home because it's "not a big deal." Don't skip your workouts this week because you just "need a break."

You know what we need a break from? Living in bodies that we feel uncomfortable in. Beating ourselves up. Letting our weight consume our emotions. Working SO HARD to lose weight, only to let ourselves gain it all back and feel even worse.

THIS, my friends, is what we need a break from. So whatever your next step is, watch where you put your feet. And make sure they aren't in the frozen foods section.

-Liz

Cross your legs.

Trust me when I say, there are a thousand things going on in my head. I need to write a blog about how I am ACTUALLY losing weight, practical ways to do it. I need to write a blog about the self-discipline changes in my life, I need to write a blog about community and change and distance and fear but the topic that will win today is:

Crossing my legs.

It's crazy how I can't see the difference in my body like other people again. It just proves how skewed our view of ourselves is. I have lost 76 pounds since September. But there are days where I still feel that I look the same. The coolest indicator for me lately, however...is being able to cross my legs.

When I was in middle school I was in church choir. I remember that we had a special performance one year and all the girls were to sit at the front of the stage and our choir director instructed us to wear black skirts, and to sit with our knees together, or to cross one leg over the other so we all looked the same. Performance day came and I crossed my legs like the other girls and after the first set of songs, my mom discretely told me "don't cross your legs anymore, because the congregation can see a little too much."

Embarrassing at the time, but a reality now that my legs, since middle school, haven't been crossable since. And it's really only been in the last few months that the comfortable way for me to sit has been to cross my legs. You probably take that for granted. You also might take for granted the fact that you can sit in any chair with arms without wondering if you can fit in that chair. There is an average-sized world of people that has no anxiety over chairs, booths, seats, rides, and everything in between.

I look at my legs now, and I can't believe how awesome they look. I can't believe I can sit in a chair with arms and see extra room in the seat. Honestly. I don't think I'll ever get over how crazy that is. But I feel like such a bad ass when I cross my legs. I try to do it every chance I get.

I have a lot of years to make up for, after all.

-Liz

WWJDN?

So let me tell you about my day.

Today we took our high-schoolers from the YMCA to the Global Hope India headquarters - a ministry that is about to send 25 people to an unreached people group in India, including my friend Grace. I went about the morning thinking it would just be like any other fun service project we do every week, but then I met Val.

Val doesn't like the spotlight, which is why you can
barely see her in the middle of this photo.

Val is one of the assisted-living residents that shares the building space with Global Hope India. She is in her 60’s. Her hair is wild and loose, accessorized with a pair of old-school headphones. She was wearing crazy-colored tall socks, and is missing all but a few bottom teeth. She has one of the most beautiful and sincere smiles I’ve ever seen.

As we started talking, she really opened up to me about herself and her faith. She told me that she is not in contact with any of her family members, and that she doesn’t have any friends in the building. She told me that she loves spreading the love of Jesus, whether it’s going to the Sports Bar around the corner or volunteering with her church. While I was taking in how much Jesus meant to her, she unexpectedly blew me away.

She asked me if there was a Chick-Fil-A near our YMCA in Cary. Once I told her yes, she told me that God had laid it on her heart to buy our high-schoolers lunch for this week. She was so adamant about making sure that I didn’t tell them she was doing this, because she wanted this to be a gift from God and not from her. It had already seemed like such a nice gesture to begin with, but then I went with her to her room to get her money.

She opened the door, and I couldn’t believe my eyes. The only furniture was a beach chair, sitting on a piece of cardboard. No bed, no table, nothing. Surrounding the room were pictures and crafts she and others had made at church. Now at this point I felt terrible that she wanted to buy a Chick-fil-a gift card for 24 suburban high-schoolers, but she insisted that we go downstairs to buy it.

When we got there, she told the cashier “$250”. My jaw dropped, and I told her that was way too much money. Val responded a little insulted in the most loving way, telling me that I was not allowed to take away from her gift.

When we were getting ready to leave, Val pulled me aside and gave me an envelope with money inside. She said “I want you to give this to Grace, its all the money that was in my piggy bank. I didn’t even count it, but I know that God wants me to put it towards her trip.”

She hugged me goodbye like she meant it, fingers in clutched and her head nuzzled into my shoulder. She said she was so happy that this Divine appointment happened today, and that she was thankful for the opportunity to get to talk to someone. Her one and only prayer request was that God would place a friend in her life so that she wouldn’t feel lonely.

Val was wearing a “WWJD” bracelet inside out. Her explanation? “When you ask, what WOULD Jesus do, you’re leaving him out of your daily life. I know that Jesus is with me all the time, so I ask the question: What Will Jesus Do Next?”

-Dee

...the agony of defeat.

Over the 4th of July week, I went to Mexico to an all-inclusive resort. For some people, moderation relates to the unlimited alcohol you can get there. For me, moderation related to the unlimited food that I got there.

I haven't truly recovered since.

Getting back on track is so hard. SO hard. It's hard for me to come to terms with the scale. It hasn't dipped down to where it used to be. I am tired, I don't want to do the 60 minutes of cardio that I need to do. I don't want to eat well. I want to do...whatever I want.

Pride.

Since the rollercoaster ride was over, I tasted victory that made me feel like I was done with all this. I have gotten too comfortable in this new size so I am not going after losing weight like I need to. I have lost the sense of urgency, forgotten that this is the fight of my life, and ignored it.

Mistake.

Yesterday I pulled myself upstairs to work out. I got on the elliptical and decided to listen to sermons instead of music. I thought of Elevation Church in Charlotte because my friend Cameron goes there. I ended up listening to two random sermons by Steven Furtick.

The first one was about facing your fears (you can find it here). In the middle of it, the pastor said, and I quote (from memory, so it's truly paraphrased):

"Maybe you eat because you're happy, or you're sad. You're celebrating, or your mourning, you're lonely, or you're in community. Overeating is never about a lack of discipline, it's about the presence of fear. Fear is preventing you from living out the life that God has intended for you."

Why was this 30-something, thin pastor guy talking about overeating? Needless to say, I was on the elliptical CRYING. Sweating and crying. I figured it was ok since tears look like my sweat drops anyway. Whatever.

Then the 2nd sermon (you can find it here, try to ignore the cool guy soul patch vibe)...was based on only one verse: 1st Samuel 16:1 which says:

The Lord said to Samuel, “How long will you mourn for Saul, since I have rejected him as king over Israel? 

So the gist of his sermon is this: How long will you continue to mourn for what God has rejected?

How long will I continue to mourn for what God has rejected? For some of us, it's a bad relationship. For some of us, it's an addiction to anything - a person, a thing, a place, a time of life, a job, you name it.

For me, it's my reliance on food. And Furtick CALLS THAT ONE OUT specifically in his sermon! God spoke to me directly through my stupid iPhone podcast on the stupid elliptical. How long will I continue to mourn for Bojangles, for Ben and Jerry, for Krispy Kreme, for feeling painfully full and using food as my comfort? God has clearly rejected this in my life, I have just chosen to ignore Him.

So I went home and I erased my white board with my "# of pounds to next goal" written on it. I need to reset. I need to start over. I need to live today in victory, and that means letting go of the weight I gained back. I am trying to.

Maybe this is Phase 2. Or maybe it's Phase 32. I don't know. I just know that I have to roll with the punches and not give up. I have to move on, realize the seriousness of the battle, and let go of the past.

How long will YOU continue to mourn over something that God has rejected?

-Liz