Burn your fences

It's amazing what I can talk myself out of.

My life has been emotionally charged lately. I guess it's a combination of a lot of things, and a few things that I'm not willing to crack open on a blog. But let's just say my highs have been high, and my lows have been low. VERY low.

You would think that after two years of battling food issues, I wouldn't turn to food in the midst of emotional turmoil.

You would be wrong.

I still have go-to comfort foods. Even though, ultimately, these foods make me uncomfortable. I know what overeating does to me, but even though I know what it does to me, I do what I want. And after those few minutes of food bliss, I experience food depression. It's deep and dark and isolating and defeating.

So even though I know what I shouldn't do, I do it anyway. It makes me feel extremely alone, and I wonder if anyone deals with this as ridiculously as I do. And then God reminds me in Romans 7:

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

So if you are a fence sitter like me, take this seriously. Don't just hop off the fence, burn the fence. Don't let that fence be an option anymore. There is a battle going on for each one of us. An angel and a devil on each shoulder. One talking you out of bad decisions, the other talking you into bad decisions. Here is a list of thoughts that are TRUE SIGNS you are listening to the devil and not the angel. I know, because I think the same things:

1. I've had a long day. I deserve a little comfort food!
2. I'll start tomorrow.
3. Everyone else can eat whatever they want, so why do I have to live differently?
4. I already cheated once, so the weekend is lost anyway.
5. I just need a break.

And on and on and on. I haven't figured out the happy medium yet. But I do know from experience, that the slide starts slow and before you know it, you get out of control and when you lose self-control, it's the danger zone.

I had to get off the fence this week. While it's true that no one else is in my exact same circumstances, I have realized that food does not comfort me like I wish it would. It hurts me. And I'm not willing to hurt myself like this anymore.

If you're in the midst of a struggle like this one, know that God is on your side. So that is the side we have to listen to. Every. Single. Time.

-Liz

The next big thing.

This game will easily ruin your
social life. Beware!

I was at a restaurant the other night and I saw a family eating dinner together. Well, together is a relative term. They were sitting at the same table, yes. But one of their kids was on their Nintendo DS, and the other one had headphones in. That's not the craziest part. The craziest part was that this appeared to be completely acceptable and normal to the entire family.

Like most times in life, I thought about how this is applying to me personally instead of casting that impatient judgment on the non-together family. I see a lot of this in my own life, but it comes out in different ways. One way happened that same night as all of my friends sat down for a meal together. At one point, I was playing Candy Crush for my friend Hannah to try and level her up and my friend Ryan was texting our other friend and my friend Austin was watching one of the 300 flat screen tv's on at the restaurant and my friend Hunter was trolling his twitter feed. We were all together, but were we really together?

I am thinking about this today because I think it gets dangerous. I am reading David Platt's new book and I think it's dangerous. He wrote "Radical" and he is a radical guy. He is most certainly the guy that says "drop everything and follow Jesus" which turns into a geographic challenge from him to "quit everything and move to a third world country." That's where it gets dangerous to me.

Yes, that is God's plan for some. But not all. Yes, that is God's call to some, but not all. The flip side of this movement is that I think it's creating a generation of us that can't connect to the here and now because we are always thinking of the there and later.

What is the next best thing? Is there someone else that has texted me that I need to reply to right now instead of talking to the person across the table from me? Where will this job take me later? How long will I have to do this in order to get to that?

We are asking the wrong questions. The only question I think we should be asking is this: "God, what will you have me do today?"

I hope you are in a place where you know you are loved right now, where you are. Because that's where God is. He is right there, where you are. And as far as I know, our only calling is to love God and love others.

Everything else is just geography.

-Liz

Own it.

As I get older, there are a few things that I need to own.

One...I'm not an adventurous type. Rollercoasters and skydiving and bungee jumping don't get me excited. They get me nervous.

Another one...I like to go to bed early. I like to get up early. I have a routine and I really like it. As my dad used to tell me "Nothing good happens after 9pm." He was and still is SO right.

I am reading a book called "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. The premise of the book is this woman, who was surrounded by death in her family, got lost in the darkness of it all and was challenged by a friend to write down on thousand things she was thankful for. It's amazing. The subtitle is: Dare to live fully right where you are.

I like this subtitle SO MUCH because I feel like, all around me, is this attitude: I can't wait for what's next. I miss how it used to be. I wish for more, I want for different, I long for how it was.

Whatever happened to living in the present?

In the book, the author cites Exodus 3:14 "God said to Moses, "I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: 'I AM has sent me to you." She goes on to say...God is so serious about living in the present, that He calls himself I AM.

He doesn't call himself "I will be" or "I was". He is I AM. But here we are. We are "I wish for" and "I was" and "I hope to be."

I am owning my weight loss progress in this light. I lost a lot of weight last year. But then it slowed. And then it stopped. And then one bad decision turned into a lost weekend turned into a good few days turned into a bad few months. This weekend I went to Dunkin Donuts and got a dozen donuts. Just for myself. I haven't told anyone this. But I need to own this decision, so there you go.

I have been limping along, not committing, not owning a decision either way. Do I want this, or don't I? And I mean NOW. In the present. It can no longer be "I did well" or "I will do better" it HAS to be "I am doing well." Today. Right now. In the present. I AM DOING WELL.

Just like everything else, this change for me is an ongoing dialogue with God. God, how can I do this? How can I keep doing this? How will I feel in a week, a month a year? But I did so well before, remember back then? Can't we focus on the past or the future?

And you know what God's answer is every single time? I AM.

I AM.

Read that book, One Thousand Gifts. It will make you thankful for the present. And then deal with the present. The today. Because this is where God wants to meet us.

I AM. He is. So we are.

-Liz

Rookie Rash

Remember my friend Sandy that I told you about? (check this post for background) Well, Sandy wouldn't give up on asking me to go out with her on a ride. A real ride. With cars and witnesses and potential for death.

We scheduled a date. Well, I did that thing where I was half-heartedly like "how about next weekend?" to which she said "I am riding 60 miles on Saturday with my friend who is training for the Ironman, but what about Friday?"

At this point, I am wondering how the hell I can get out of this. I am going out on my first bike ride with someone who uses the term "Ironman" so casually in conversation. To say I felt in over my head is an understatement.

"Friday, sure, how about 3pm?" And I clicked the send button. And with that sent email, my fate was sealed.

Last night I was nervous. This morning I had my training session and told my trainer how nervous I was. She said "Don't be nervous! You won't fall. Well, you might fall." And that was the second time someone told me "You're gonna fall, just be ok with it. Probably a few times."

Great.

So Friday is here. I had no excuse to not meet Sandy at the local bike shop to go out on our ride. Seems like a good place to meet, but imagine - going to the BIKE SHOP and trying to RIDE A BIKE in their parking lot. But it couldn't be that hard to ride. I mean, it's phrased "it's just like riding a bike" for a reason, right?

Wait for it.

I think this is called "Rookie Rash"

 I get there, Sandy is there, so excited for me. She even put beginner pedals on the bike for me so I wasn't clipped in. The seat was good to go, and off we went. Well, off she went. I got on the bike, was overcome by awkwardness, started to pedal in the parking lot (yes, right near the front of the store where people were perusing the bikes on the sidewalk) and whoop whoop WOP. Down I go, right in front of the bike professionals. It was one of those sloooooow falls. I knew I was about to fall, I was falling, falling, fell.

But Sandy was not phased. "Let's ride around the parking lot and practice shifting!" So we did, for about 30 seconds. And then Sandy said "Time to go!" "Time to what?" I asked. But before I could say no, we were off into traffic.

Don't worry, it just got better from there. I was two breaths away from telling her that I didn't want to do this. I wasn't ready for this. I don't think I'm capable.

Sound familiar?

We didn't ride very far, in my opinion. But Sandy was the most encouraging person ever. The whole time we rode, she was just chatting with me and would talk about beginners and how out of shape most  people are that they can't make it half the distance we went. And then she said something I'll never forget:

"But you're so in shape, I'm not worried about you at all!"

Who was she talking about? I legitimately had a moment while I was riding and wondering "did this woman just say I was in shape? I must have heard her wrong?"

This is post-ride. Pre-ride I was in no mood
for photos.

I have had some moments in the past year where I simply cannot believe that this is my life now, that this is who I am now. And today was absolutely one of them. The ride was great. It was challenging, scary, and there was one time a car came so close to me that I thought I was going to fly into a ditch. But it was exhilarating and I was so glad I got out of the parking lot.

I guess my lesson for the day is: how many things do I talk myself out of because I am afraid? How many things do we not try because it's easier to stay in the mediocre middle?

The other lesson for the day: everybody falls. So, get back up.

-Liz

Don't steal the title.

I was in church on Sunday during worship, and I had a thought that I know wasn't my own, because I don't want to do this:

"Write a book about your battles with your weight."

The last thing the world needs is another book about weight loss. But the first thing the world needs is someone being vulnerable about pain and heartbreak and loneliness and insecurity. And then not being afraid to face it.

So I think I'm going to do it. And I think that if I share that on here, it might hold me more accountable. And I think that maybe someone out there knows someone who knows someone that might be interested in this.

Lastly, don't steal the title. Well, the working title:

"Worth the Weight." Oh never mind, some cheesy lady already stole it. Ok, I'll think of something better.

-Liz

Giving up.

All around me, I am seeing a trend that is disheartening. Inside of me, I am seeing a trend that is disheartening. It's a slow fade, so you don't notice it until it's pretty late in the game. It will creep up on you and it will scare the crap out of you one day.

Giving up.

There is a blog I've kept up with for a long time that I can't get to anymore. It's a weight loss blog where she lost over 100 pounds. Why can't I get to her blog anymore? Did she give up? Did she let one lost weekend turn into a lost week turn into a lost 6 months and before you know it, she is back to where she was?

There is another blog I've kept up with where she hasn't blogged for over a year. The last entry was titled something like "starting over". But she didn't start over. She gave up. No more blogs, no more weight loss tips, nothing.

Off the grid.

I see it everywhere I look right now. The little slip that turns into a fall that turns into the thing we all dread. Giving up. Not getting back up. Just quitting entirely. Quitting is easier. And I think I know why.

If I quit on myself, I am believing the lie that I am not worth saving. And again, this doesn't have to be all about food for you. For me, it is. If I give in and let food be my best friend again, I might as well admit that I don't believe I am worth it. I can't do it, so before someone else says that, I'll prove it to you myself and just quit.

Spring is here. This is a new season of life. I need some new motivation just like you do. But I have a pretty cool thought that you might connect with.

I just planted perrenials in my backyard. They will bloom in the spring and summer, and in the fall, it will appear as if they die. in the winter, they'll lie dormant because they are preparing to come back alive in the spring. Four different seasons that my plants need to continue to grow. Four very different seasons. Four very TEMPORARY seasons.

I need to change my season right now. I feel like my weight loss progress has died, but really, it has been laying dormant in preparation for the next thing. But I need that next thing to get here. I guess it can't until I let it and fully get on board. I never believed I could get this far, but I did. Now do I believe I can get even further?

-Liz

You never know who's next to you.

Another picture from Peru with my girl CB.
I figured a random recent photo is better
than none, right?

This morning I was on the spin bike, doing my thing, next to a woman that I have seen at the Y for years. She is fit. I would call her super fit. Spandex bike shorts, sweating like a beast, and just...getting it.

So me and, we'll call her Sandy, strike up a conversation about cycling. You see, Sandy has wanted to take me out cycling with her for a few months now. She has seen how much I've like the spin bike and wants me to try it in the real world.

Today, I confessed my fear to her.

"Is it because you are afraid of traffic?" No, I said. That's not it.

"You don't need to worry about the cars, I'll take you somewhere that's very safe and we'll be fine!"

That's not it, I tell her. That's not my fear.

"Well, what is it?" she asks. "You are in shape, I see you here all the time, you can handle yourself, no problem!"

I then proceeded to tell Sandy what I was afraid of. I told her about the last time I was on a bike.

"Oh, you've ridden before? Then this will be no problem!"

The last time I was on a bike, I was about 90 pounds heavier. It was a task for me to just keep moving on flat ground. I was winded, self-conscious, and a little defeated by the fact that small children can handle a bicycle better than I can.

I told Sandy that I still feel like that girl.

And instead of her telling me "No, no, you're not! You're new! This is gonna be great!" she told me her story. Unprompted, this super fit, spandex bike shorts wearing, sweating like a beast Sandy told me about how she was overweight her whole life until she joined the rowing team in college. She told me about how her husband's whole family is overweight and they tell her all the time that she can't understand what it's like to be big since she is so fit. They have never known her as an overweight person.

She told me that everytime she hears someone make a fat joke she feels it in her heart.

You see, that super fit, spandex bike shorts wearing, sweating like a beast lady next to you at the gym didn't get there magically. She works her ass off. Just like you're doing. She struggles with her weight, just like you do. And she shares our pain.

The coolest thing about all this? As Sandy was pedaling beside me, I looked down and saw a super fit, spandex bike shorts wearing, sweating like a beast person next to her. And I got really excited to be a Sandy for someone else.

-Liz