Gauntlet thrown.

Today I had a chance to speak to a group of leaders across North Carolina that work with teenagers. I don't know what qualifies me to have a forum with them, but I was asked to do it and I gladly said yes. The group was warm, welcoming, open, and fun. Perfect.

People ask me what I talk to groups about and I don't really have an answer. And I rarely have a plan. But what always ends up happening is group therapy. I love group therapy. But only with strangers.

A woman today, affirmed that I am not the only one. After we did an exercise in which I asked everyone to share their struggles (in an effort for them to realize they are not alone) I asked the group how it felt. And one woman said:

"Since I don't know anyone here, it felt good. I don't think I would have shared if people here knew me."

WHAT? Shouldn't it be the opposite? Is this why bloggers write their true feelings but can't share the same issues with the people they love? Is this why we hide behind computer screens and anonymous comments? Is this why I don't answer the phone but I immediately answer a text?

The strange fact is that we are more open with people that don't know us. And I think it's because the stakes aren't so high. I can get in front of a room of strangers and admit my struggles with weight and loneliness and criticism pretty openly. I can do this because I won't see most of those people ever again. But with my closest friends, I am still trying to be completely self-reliant. No needs. No issues. No problems.

Does anyone else see how messed up this is? There is an easy answer! Unfortunately, all of us have to commit to change. I am finding my friend circles are getting smaller and smaller as I get older. I wasn't prepared for this. But I think the reason is, as we get older, we know the types of friendships we don't want, and the types that we need. And the types that we need are VERY hard to find.

I want to be more open. Not just on a blog. With people that love me. And I want to be known. So if you know me, don't let me get away with it. Gauntlet thrown.

Your move. Challenge accepted?

Motorcycle Therapy

A few fun facts about riding a motorcycle that maybe no one has ever told you:

1. There's a cool secret hand sign from biker to biker. But don't give it to scooters. You'll just embarrass yourself.
2. Bugs can smack into at any time, in any spot. Even between your sunglasses and your eyeball. I know from experience.
3. Even when it's 97 degrees out, you have nature's air conditioning when you're going 60 miles an hour.
4. Bruce Springsteen and late 80s/early 90s hair bands make for the best road music.
5. You learn to love your true self more and more each time you ride. More on that below.

Thumbs up for jean vests!

We all spend WAY too much time trying to live up to other people's standards. We also spend WAY too much time measuring ourselves as compared to others. We don't do it on purpose, it just happens that way. And it happens a little more each day until one day, maybe when you're in you're late 30s, you realize:

This is stupid. And I won't do it anymore.

On the outside looking in, my dad might be right: owning a motorcycle could be one of the five worst decisions one could make in life. But on the inside looking out, it has allowed me to be me in a cool new way. It's that freedom I always

The night before a ride, I just google map some place
random. Today, Hyco Lake won. And it is beautiful.

talk about and my friends laugh with me about.

Whenever I see a motorcyclist, I point at them and say "Look! Freedom!" And I really, really, mean it. Something happens to you when you allow yourself to be who you are, even in fun ways like owning a motorcycle. This purchase has helped me to stop measuring my worth as compared to others.

I like motorcycles and Bravo TV and hoodies and video games and Cameron Crowe movies and embarrassing myself in public so other people feel more comfortable. I am a weird person. But in the beautiful way that weird is wonderful. I know for a fact that we are all different for a bigger purpose that one day, we will all know. But I hope most of us don't wait until our late 30s to give ourselves permission to be uniquely ourselves. 

Ride on, dudes.

Getting lost on purpose.

Second Empire. Best. Restaurant. Ever.

May has been a busy month. My parents visited for a weekend, my friend Tyler visited for a weekend, I turned a year older, and my motorcycle has become the most unexpected game changer (but if you ask my dad his opinion, owning a motorcycle is "one of the five worst decisions you could make in your life." Not sure of the other four, but I'll keep you posted.)

I turned 39 this year. To be 39 and single is so weird. There aren't a lot of people out there like me. I don't feel like I have a demographic. My Facebook feed is now filled with my friends' posts about kids and marriage and at-home businesses and parenting advice. Meanwhile, I post pictures of secret bookshelf doors and pinball arcades.

Bucket list for Barb.

I wish I had been okay in my own skin when I was 19. Or 29. Or 35. It took me a while to be ok with being different. I lived too many years trying to prove my worth. Trying to fit into a mold that never made sense to me.

I fully realize it's weird to own a motorcycle at this stage in my life. But for the first time ever, I have the confidence to just...not care if I'm weird. Growing older is scary, but there is a freedom in it that I didn't expect.

I saw the importance this weekend of getting lost on purpose. So I did. I got lost in Zebulon, Smithfield, Middlesex, Henderson, and a few other points in between. I got so lost in thought it was this deep realization that it is 100% ok to be who I am and to be different than the friends on my Facebook feed.

Whenever I see a motorcycle I yell out "Freedom!" But that took on a whole new meaning to me this week. It has become an outlet of freedom for me. An excuse to get lost. A reason to forget my phone and my schedule and my insecurities.

Imagine if we lived our lives out by God's unique design for us than by the world's impossible design for us. If that's not freedom, I don't know what is!

Getting lost in Smithfield...

...at "Popeye's Gas and Grill." And yes, that is a jean jacket vest.

And of course...the secret door for your viewing pleasure...

What my motorcycle has taught me about life

I'm not a big bucket-lister. Not as much as most people, anyway. And if you know me, you know that I am not much of a thrill seeker. Roller coasters make me motion sick (shout out the Cary Y youth department), jumping out of a perfectly good airplane doesn't make sense to me, and ropes courses aren't my thing.

But motorcycles have always been my thing.

I think I have always wanted a motorcycle, and a few months ago I finally bought one. (Side note: don't tell a lot of people you want a motorcycle. Most respond with the stories of broken backs and road side deaths.)

Every weekend I try to get a ride in for at least an hour. This weekend, I got two rides in. I've stopped planning on where I am going. I've started focusing on the ride.

And that, my friends, is counter intuitive to everything I have ever thought about life.

When I was younger, I had aspirations to be a rock star. Or an artist. Or the next great missionary. And then life rolls on and aspirations come down to earth a little more: to be married. To be skinny. To buy a house. To own a black Tahoe.

Aspirations are important. But for me, they blinded me to the journey. I was so busy planning on where I was going, that I didn't enjoy the ride.

When you're on a motorcycle, it's the air. The speed. The smell of spring. The freedom. The color. Today, as I was heading home, I passed my neighborhood and stayed out just a little longer. I wasn't ready to go home yet. I was enjoying the ride so much. (And listening to classic Bruce Springsteen, which also helps.)

We need to enjoy the ride more. A LOT more. We need to stop focusing on "if I just get 'there'  I'll be happy." 'There' is a myth. 'Here' matters more. I kept thinking today of all the people I ignored because I was trying to go some place that I thought was so important.

I have three hundred more things that my motorcycle has taught me about life, but I will save them. Until then, I am trying to form a biker gang, SAMCRO style but without all the murdering and stuff.
Interested? I need some road dogs.

-Liz

Private struggles in a public world.

Do you ever think how crazy it is that you see a new person you've never seen before almost every single day? I mean, how many people are really out there that can invade my routine life on a daily basis? That's nuts.

What's also nuts is that every one of us is fighting some private battle that most of us aren't willing to share. It used to feel so crazy to me that people are so afraid of sharing. Nowadays, I understand why.

It's not until you go through significant life change that you understand the fear of vulnerability. It's not until you experience deep shame that you question your ability to be open with the people that love you. For me, that change has been tackling my weight issues. That has always been my most private struggle in the most public of ways.

Unlike other addictions, it's pretty impossible to hide food addiction. You literally wear it on your body. And it can become a physical barrier to insulate and isolate yourself from others. Tackling it over the past few years has left me almost naked in a way. Open to heartbreak like I would never allow before.

That kind of edge-standing is terrifying. But it has also given me compassion for a world that isn't willing to go there. Because lately, I haven't been willing to go there. It hurts. It's a wound. It's a risk. And I have never been a risk taker.

I am reminded to be kind to strangers. And to be kinder to the people I love and that love me. Because all of us are fighting some private battle that most of us aren't willing to share. The question is: who are we willing to let in?

Ben does life.

In 2011 I stumbled upon this video about a guy named Ben. In 2009, he weighed over 300 pounds. By the end of 2010, he had lost 120 pounds. Watch this:

Ben got a book deal. Had a big blogger following with "Ben Does Life." Inspired thousands of people. Found love. Pursued his passion for writing.

But that was in 2011.

Ben now weighs over 350 pounds. More than when he started his journey in the beginning. Most of us wonder "how?" How could this inspirational guy that publicly documented his journey and wrote a book about weight loss gain it all back and then some? In fact, most of us would write it off as a failure, if we're being honest.

But guess what? Ben still has a blog. He is still working on it. He is still doing life.

See weight loss blogs come and go. I can't tell you how many blogs I used to follow of people with successful stories that are now...gone. No posts since last year. Or the year before. Or the blog was taken down because I guess it's just too hard to be public if you fail. Sure, the success is worth sharing, but the failure...

But Ben is doing life. He is doing life because he knows that the failure is worth sharing. Failure doesn't mean falling. Failing means not giving up. And this dude hasn't given up. His blog is gut wrenching for me because I can share his emotions on depression and loneliness. Weight loss and weight gain. It is so awesome to watch the scale numbers go down and the clothes get baggy. It is so devastating to watch the opposite happen. But ultimately, the opposite does happen. For so many people. Then, try doing that while the world is watching!

Just because we fail, it doesn't make us a failure. It's an event, not a person. It's temporary, not permanent. It's a thing, not a condition. The past few months have been great for me. I have a great friend holding me accountable and my eating has been on point and I am getting stronger again after surgery. I am down about 18 pounds since February. This is a wave that I will ride as hard as I can. But when the failure wave comes (and it will), I am going to take a page out of Ben's book and just do life. Keep moving. Keep getting back up.

Failure is an event, not a person.

-Liz

A healthy heart.

I've been reading through Henry Cloud books lately. He is a well known speaker, author, psychologist, general bad ass christian guy that keeps things very real. In this world, that's rare. In christian circles, it seems to be even more rare.

Is it ok for christians to admit to struggle? Yes. Do we practice that? No.

I am about halfway through his book "Safe People" and it's fascinating. He has this way of breaking down relationships that will make you nod your head in relief and be reminded that you are not crazy.  I wanted to share this. Read this list slowly, his list of the "Interpersonal Traits of Unsafe People" as follows:

1. Unsafe people avoid closeness instead of connecting.
2. Unsafe people are only concerned about "I" instead of "we."
3. Unsafe people resist freedom instead of encouraging it.
4. Unsafe people flatter us instead of confronting us.
5. Unsafe people condemn us instead of forgiving us.
6. Unsafe people stay in parent/child roles instead of relating as equals.
7. Unsafe people are unstable over time instead of remaining consistent.
8. Unsafe people are a negative influence on us instead of a positive one.
9. Unsafe people gossip instead of keeping secrets.

While this is not an inclusive list, I think he pretty much sums up the traits that can turn any relationship bad quickly. How many times have you been an unsafe person to someone else? I was SHOCKED to take a personal assessment of how many times I have done any of the above things to someone else. Now that doesn't make us unsafe people, it just means we are prone to treating each other in unsafe ways.

Healthy eating ultimately leads me to a healthy heart. And a healthy heart wants to be healthy in every way. This is a big part of that. It's not enough to work on the outside when the inside needs attention. I am taking stock of the food I eat. The work outs I do. But now, how about the thoughts I have? The way I treat others? The things I share? The things I keep private?

Still waiting for My Fitness Pal to develop an app to include my mind intake and my emotional intake. A healthy heart is a lot more than proper calorie intake.

-Liz