You're so...out there.

Thank you?

Wait, it doesn't mean what you think it means.

One of my friends from work said that to me a few weeks ago. And when she said it, it was in reference to my blog. It took me a second to understand what she meant. And my face displayed my confusion. She explained.

"I could never say what you say. You are so open and out there."

Oh, I get it. Now, that is a compliment. But also a painful reminder. She was right. I am SO out there. Sometimes I'm so out here that I can get hurt. The elements get to me easier. I am more accessible to hurt. Not many people are willing to be out here with me. When I succeed, it's great! But when I fail, it is awful. The lowest of lows. Because I wonder, am I letting people down?

This week I really dug deep with eating and working out. I ate GREAT every single day. And it has truly been a battle. Of epic proportions. It is hard to not believe the lies that stop us from success. You know them as well as I do: You can't do this. It's too hard. Might as well give up. It's not fair that you have to deal with this and others don't. No one else is dealing with this. You're all alone. I have adopted something they share in Alcoholics Anonymous to combat my emotional eating: HALT.

• Hungry
• Angry
• Lonely
• Tired

If any of those emotions are allowed to take up too much real estate in your brain, you are more susceptible to backsliding and making a bad decision. Some of you might think like me: I feel one or all of those emotions to some extent ALL the time!

I am learning how to pause before I go for the food I think I want. It's no longer "What do I want to eat?" It has become "WHY do I want to eat?"

There is an emotional eating blog that has REALLY, REALLY helped me here. And in the meantime, I would love some company out there. Because being so out there can be really, really, lonely.

-Liz

It doesn't matter how you start. It matters how you finish.

But we all need to start somewhere. And some of us need to restart. And some of us need to restart the restart.

So a few weeks ago, I asked for some feedback on weight loss tips. What has helped you start or restart or restart the restart? I got GREAT feedback. So if you need some inspiration, take a looksee:

From Kevin who has lost a LOT of pounds this past year: quote I heard...you don't win bc of the plays you make but bc of the mistakes you avoid making. Generic advice but I like it!

From Leslie who just ran the NYC marathon (I like this because it is realistic. We can't avoid all foods that are bad for us, and for most of us, food simply just isn't "fuel" but the spice of life): Hey here is some weight loss advice we have followed and it works. If you are going to get fast food, no drive thru. You have to walk in to get it. And eat it there. Most of the time you can just get home and eat some thing WAY better for you. Even if you eat a side of chips, it will be better in the long run than piles of fries and burgers.

And this one, from Robyn. Who explains her quiet weight loss journey: Hey Liz! I saw your post and thought I'd send a message. I keep on the DL, especially about my weight but since the birth of my last child I've lost 110 pounds. I don't tell anyone - I mean, my husband knows - but I have never said the number out loud to anyone else. It took me about a year and half to lose it all, and its been a year and I have been able to keep it off. Here's how. The diet came first - I knew I wanted to lose weight so I started weight watchers. And I did lose! I think around 30-35 pounds. Then I watched Food, Inc - and realized I was eating a bunch of crap, even on WW. Then I read Fast Food Nation and just got scared straight. So - ANYWAY - I changed my diet to a whole foods diet. Generally - if it comes in a bag or a box - I don't eat it. If there are a bunch of preservatives in it - I don't eat it. I heard somewhere "If your great grandmother doesn't know what it is then don't eat it." Throughout the whole time I cut out white sugar and white flour. They were immediate goners. My breakfast that I eat everyday and LOVE is egg whites scrambled with shredded cheddar cheese with Ener-G Light Tapioca Bread, which I toast and eat with butter. Lunch depends - but most of the time it some kind of lettuce wrap and a greek yogurt. And then dinner is a protein, a complex carb and a vegetable. Berries with whipped cream for dessert. Snacks involve hummus and carrots or wasa crackers. and I like hot tea throughout the day. 

But it all wasn't just diet. When the baby was born I walked on our treadmill with him in a front pack. Then I started to jog a little (without the front pack, of course) and then SOMEONE (hint, hint - it was you) decided to motivate me into running when you ran 10 miles. It took me awhile to reach that goal, but thanks to your motivation - I did it! And I still run - I enjoy signing up for races (I try for one a month) and just being in the community of others that love to do what I do. Knowing that I have a race coming up keeps me motivated to stay on the treadmill running. That is really a big one - signing up for races is a huge workout motivator. And I went to the Dr recently just for a check up and a thumbs up - which I got - and have registered for my first full marathon in May. So I'm excited to reach for that goal! 

So - I hope this helps and thank you for your motivational words that you put out there all the time - they help me so much! I hope and pray your back continues to heal! Take care!

I was on vacation last week and read a book that completely rocked my socks off, and has helped me start the process to get over some crippling relationship heartbreak that I have been dealing with over the past few months. This book has helped me identify some people-pleasing habits I have that have walled me off and broken me down from ever fully being myself, and has given me practical ways to address my desire to try and be someone I'm not.

Did I sell the book enough for you to read it? Brene Brown: The Gifts of Imperfection. I am telling you now, this book will make you laugh, cry, and most importantly, take action.

I have also come to the conclusion that I need to get more committed again. I have been testing the waters with my big toe for too long. I did this weight loss thing once, and I'm going to do it again. Tomorrow is my last follow-up at the back doctor, so I am hoping and praying to be cleared for all activity. Stay tuned...

One last thing: I have some new ideas that are going to require your feedback. Your painful, honest, and open feedback. So get ready for that. We need each other.

-Liz

ADDENDUM: Forgot to add the tips people posted on Facebook when I asked this question:

From Kelly: I found that the app Tap and Track was totally useful. I ended up losing 8 lbs this summer. Of course strength and cardio too...but I didn't cut out beer or even sweets. It just made me eat more consciously.

From Dawn: Love weight watchers. Since joining weight watchers I am so much smarter about my choices and PORTIONS. I clearly had no idea what a real portion was, or how to guestimate weight/size. What I guessed as a 3 ox chicken breast....was really 8 oz when I got it on the scale. The program really helps you plan and prepare yourself for everyday challenges, and for special events like Thanksgiving. Plus I go to actual meetings once a week, and being with others just like me is really great to share successes and struggles with along the journey. Best of luck with whatever you chose, it is a lifestyle change!

From Carolee: Cut out all soda/soft drinks/sugary drinks. Go for water, unsweetened iced tea, etc. even avoid diet soda. That is a fairly easy lifestyle change and will make a huge difference.

I'm messed up. So are you. Let's talk about it.

I follow a few blogs. Most of them are weight loss blogs. I can't help it, I get real inspired by them. And when everything was all unicorns and rainbows (shout out to Betty Goddard) we lived together in a happy world where we were all doing well and had it all together.

That doesn't last.

One of my blog friends fell off the grid. That's not a good sign. So I tweeted her, and she replied. Take a read:

Things have not been well. It's a reoccurring cycle of over eating, feeling depressed, eating more, not being able to breathe, no exercise and no weighing myself. I've given up, lost hope in myself. I don't know if I can do it. Monday I decided to start eating right and exercising once again....I just don't want to fail again. I hate having a blog because I've let everyone down, it's so depressing. When do I stop this and get back to where I was? Where is the motivation and inspiration to eat right? To feel good? Ugh. I don't know. I guess I need to stop complaining and start doing. 


I lack accountability so much. I wish I had someone to be 100% serious, mean when needed and fair to be accountable with. I've seemed to not find that and sometimes I feel so alone and much easier to just eat and feel worse. I wonder if you feel my pain. I need to start being accountable somehow, any ideas. I'm all out. I guess I have to grow up and do it for yourself. Hopefully MondayI can stick with it, I just don't want to fail again.

I hope your back is ok! You've been killing it even with your surgery. That's awesome and motivation to kick butt. I wish I knew where that (girl) is that kicked butt and was awesome and loved to exercise. I can't find her!

One other worry....I'm going on a mission trip to the Dominican and at this point I will need a seat belt extender.....I'm sick. Hopefully I'll change it by march. I can't imagine going on a mission trip at this point and being productive. That's how bad it is. Somehow I still refuse to do anything...I hope my thoughts aren't too much or too confusing for you. It's nice to share with someone who understands. 

Her email rocked my world. Because it's not NEW information. But it's this reminder that, when I don't have it all together, I don't want to share. I don't want to talk. I only want to share, and talk, when I feel like I am doing awesome and want to give advice for people coming up behind me. 

But what happens when I fall behind? When I gain weight back? When things don't work out like I planned, as fast as I planned, how I planned?

I am messed up. And I continue to mess up. So do you. How long will we let that separate us? 

I want to read more from people that admit they struggle. Because then I know, I am not alone. Let's stop putting out the best possible version of ourselves and start putting out the pain, the disappointment, the heartbreak.

THAT would change the world. If we weren't afraid of being ourselves to people, imagine how THAT would change the world.

I don't know about you, but I am tired of trying to be someone I'm not. Can we all quit it and just be honest with each other?

Who's with me?
-Liz

(last but not least...4 weeks after back surgery and I am walking and biking. Pictures from last week below. I pray to God I will never take standing for granted again.)

Unicorns and Rainbows

I have 10,000 things I need to share about, write about, confess, review, etc. as 2013 is ending. Thoughts about weight, heartbreak, loss, victory, starting over, friendship, disappointment, trust, and the like.

2013 was the year of extremes for me. The highest of highs, and the lowest of lows. I am glad to see it end. Sorry to all you optimists out there, but I'm just being real. I realize that "Happiness is a choice!" but sometimes it's impossible to see that choice as an option. I battled loneliness harder in this past year than I ever have before.

So more to come on those topics. Can't wait to get back to this little community here. My honesty seems to stirring something up in people, and I love it. But first thing's first.

My grandmother, Betty Goddard, passed away in August of this year. She was in her 90s, was in hospice, and it wasn't a surprise. She was my last living grandparent, stood no more than 5 feet tall, and was the sassiest relative of them all. She wasn't a very touchy feely, lovey dovey lady, but I knew that she loved me. I just didn't know how sentimental that love actually was.

Over Christmas, my mom gave my brother and I presents that were simply labeled "Memories..." They were bundles of letters that my grandmother had kept from when we were kids and writing actual letters to people was what we did to communicate. (imagine a world without Twitter, Facebook, email, text...yes, that utopia once existed and we took it for granted)

I have never laughed and cried so much at the same time in my life. She kept these...for over twenty years? These silly letters meant so much to her? So I posted some teaser photos of these letters, and there was a request for more. So I picked two of the letters and will type out what I wrote. Out of all the vulnerable and raw things I have posted on this blog, this might be the winner...

Here we go. God help us.

January 4th, 1985 (I was 8) (this is the unicorn letter)

Dear Grandma and Papa,

I'm really having a great time with that neat walkman you gave me. It's really fun going over to my friend's house and listening to our walkmans. It's also handy to listen to it whenever I feel like it. And now I don't have to borrow my mom's or my brother's walkman's!

I'm writing on the lovely unicorn paper that you two gave me. The lovely unicorn and the rainbow on the front of the pad and on the paper.

I'm writing with the "Scripto" pen you gave me to write with. It's really handy to write with because it's erasable. (which you should know!)

I am going to love writing you letters with my beautiful paper, pen, and envelopes. I'll be writing to other faraway friends and family. If you know what I mean! (side note...WHAT DID I MEAN?!)

I sure hope you had a outstanding Christmas and a happy New Year. If you forgot, the new year is 1985. I sure had a great Christmas. I got everything I wanted. Here's the list:

• Barbie Silver 'Vette
• Robot Watch
• Cat Sweatshirt
• Walkman
• Unicorn Pad and Envelope
• Barbie Back Yard Pool Set
• Barbie Gym Set
• Barbie A.T.C.
• Sequent Socks
• Jacket
• Two pairs gloves
• Stool
• Glass people

There are other things, but I can't remember them all. Well, I've got to be going now. Say hi to everyone for me ok? Thanks. Bye Now.

Sincerely Yours,

Elizabeth Simpers

xxxxxxxxoooooooo

xxxxxxxxoooooooo

P.S. Give everyone my loads of love.

Ok, there are a few more, but I will spare you. Wait, maybe just one more. Because it demonstrates how weird I have ALWAYS been.

July 25, 1988 (I was 12)

Dear Grandma and Papa,

I just felt like sayin' "HI!" So, Hi! Well, I have a new kitty, but she ran away. BUT, we found her again!! Her name's Abby. Right now, my Dad's eatin'. Oh, sorry. EA-TING! My dad wants me to say how wonderful I think he is, but I won't.

Grandma, tell Papa about the surprise party. My mom is losing her mind. Yesterday, she thought aliens landed in her bedroom. Also yesterday, she said that she was contacted by Elvis. I was only kidding about Elvis. But she really said that aliens landed in her bedroom. Tommy fell through a barn floor two days ago. He tore some ligaments in his leg. Doctors say they'll have to amputate it. (only kidding about amputation.) My dad wants to cut my foot off because there's a bracelet on it. Most of these comments are false.

My dad was a dog this morning. He was stuck in a closet with Vanna White. That's a joke, also. Have u got enough of these jokes yet? Well, tough cookies!! My brother got his head shaved off by Perry. We call him skinhead, now. We got him a Harely Davidson motorcycle to match his head. He also got a "peace" sign tattooed on his forehead. 

Well, I think you've had enough of these hilarious jokes. So, I better be going now before my mom, dad, and Tommy kill me. Love your granddaughter,

Liz

XXOO

P.S. WRITE ME, PLEASE.

Enjoy these other letters and most embarrassing moments. I know you will appreciate my genius even more after you read them. Extra points if you can find the one that 8 year old Liz explains to my grandma what "leverage" is.

-Liz

When did "work" become a dirty word?

Don't worry, I was just walking. The blur is deceiving.

A friend just sent me an email asking what the heck was going on with me because I haven't posted a blog since my surgery last week. Was I better? Did it work? Am I healed?

Yes. Yes. HELL yes. So far.

Surgery was Tuesday of last week, and yesterday, I was back at work and walked two miles on the treadmill. Progress. Considering two weeks ago, I couldn't stand up without pain, without leaning on something, without taking prescription pain medicine.

I feel great. My recovery was short, but not that sweet. I just get so bored when I can't work, can't have a routine, and the biggest question of the day is if I'm going to watch Scandal or read a book. It was really depressing for a few days there, not being able to do much. And God, in his glory, knows what I can handle. I am not someone that could handle 6 weeks of couch time. Not at all. I could barely handle a week!

Coming back to work was amazing. Coming back to a life of purpose was fantastic. It reminded me that work is GOOD. It is a good thing and it is a necessary thing. We are created to fulfill purpose in so many ways, and work is one of them. There is a rhythm to life and I was really out of whack for a LONG time before surgery. Not able to do anything or go anywhere really because I had no relief from pain.

The things I have learned from this process are yet to be determined because there are just so many. To read back through my journal where I ask God to heal my body day after day, week after week, and in His timing, he did just that. I can't believe I am pain free. This is the first time in years that I can say that.

So I am back to work, and after my next doctor's appointment, I hope to be cleared to work out. When did "work" become a dirty word? I hope I never again take for granted that I have a healthy mind and a healthy body. Both of these things are created for the purpose of good work.

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." - Colossians 3:23-24

I can be scrubbing toilets or sitting in a cubical or driving a bus or running an Ace Hardware (shout out to Mr. Ace himself Tyler Bottke) - wherever I am, whatever I do, I have the choice to work for the Lord. And I am so thankful to have a chance to start over, every day.

Back to work.

-Liz

Baby's first steps

Up at 5am. Hobbled into the shower on my dead leg for what I hoped would be the last time. Made a green smoothie for later. My friends Hannah and Austin came early to pick me up. Drove to Capital City Surgical Center and waited.

While we were outside waiting for the place to open up, we got to see a helicopter land at Wake Med. A fun distraction that took me outside of my anxious brain. A hug from God.

To get ready for surgery, Hannah came back for me while I got prepped. The nurse's name was Martha. It was 6:30 am and Hannah and I made that lady LAUGH. She talked about her gynecologist named Cinnamon. Yes, it was that kind of conversation. A fun distraction that took me outside of my anxious brain. A hug from God.

Surgery happened. I guess. I wouldn't know, they could have taken me up in that helicopter for a ride and I wouldn't have remembered. I woke up and in about an hour, was lucid enough to realize that I am lying on my back without pain.

How is this possible?

Pain really is relative. Everyone had a different tolerance and it is impossible to feel what someone else feels. I experienced that loneliness for the past 4-6 months, and to lay in that hospital bed without pain in my back and leg was bizarre. All of a sudden, those 6 months of loneliness had the potential to
be over.

A hug from God.

So now I am home. And we have already walked across the street in the neighboring church parking lot. You might have missed an important verb in that last sentence. I walked. And I can stand. And I have hope.

I have also really, REALLY learned that I am a terrible patient. I HATE asking for help. It was so hard for me accept the fact that I have friends that want to help me. I am surrounded by people that love me so much, and I had no idea how much. I've gotten texts, calls, books, gifts, food, prayer, and company.

Hugs from God.

I am so thankful. And in the meantime, enjoy these ridiculous
photos and videos of my big day.

The Facebook Hug

Surgery on Tuesday. And struggling today. Some days are good, some days are bad. Today is one bad day. Physically I feel awful. Emotionally I am a hot mess. I think I have cried like... 4 times today? Maybe more.

What I've realized about pain is that you can't compare it or relate to it in someone else. We all have different tolerances, different experiences, and different emotions. I feel about as different as I can be from most people. If I were any more different, I might start being more similar (you know that old "east to west" analogy).

In the past few days, I have had people sharing similar back surgery stories with me. And they range all the way from "it was the miracle I was looking for" to "it took me a year and a half to walk again and I wish I had never done it."

Can you see why I am so emotional?

But God gave me the hug I needed in the form of a facebook message from an old high school friend. Reminder: I could not feel MORE useless than I do today:

hey Liz, ben thinking about you while you are getting ready for surgery on Tuesday. Praying all goes well for you and that you get some relief from your pain. I wanted to let you know that after you posted that blog/message/whatever you want to call it at the beginning of September, I was finally ready to admit that I needed help with my weight loss. I joined weight watchers within an hour of reading your post. I have already lost 4o pounds, and my life and lifestyle and so much improved. What's better, is that my motivation got my husband to join too. He is down 50 pounds, and soon will be out of the 300's. I am so proud of the steps he has taken, and I feel so liberated myself. I suffer from chronic migraines, the meds I take make me feel sluggish and still do oot give me 100% relief. But, for the first time I feel like I am not a victim of my problems, I am in charge, and roll with the punches and get back up. I just wanted you to know the magnitude of your words. You have truly helped me and my husband find the tools we needed to do this. Thank you so much! Wishing you all the best with your surgery.

Wow. Do we realize that we are light even in our darkest of days?

If you are a praying person, would you pray for me on Tuesday? The thought of this surgery not working is too much for me to bear right now. Ok, now I'm crying for the 5th time today. I just need a win here. I wish I had never taken my work outs for granted.

Stay tuned, and I will update with GOOD news soon.

And it will be good. Scratch that. Great.

-Liz