Who do you run to?

I've been watching my reaction to life changes lately. This is a sobering yet very necessary process.

The biggest life pattern I've seen is how I run to food in the midst of...whatever. Whatever emotion it is, you name it, I run to food. It's usually different foods for different moods, but it's still always food. A cheap imitation of what I am really looking for.

See, I think we complicate our lives and reason away our need for God. We run to other things simply out of pride. Because if I run to God instead, I am admitting that I am not the center of my universe and that I just might need help because I am out of control. Gasp.

I am kicking around this idea of writing down all of the painful food moments I have had in my life. All the ways I have used food as a comfort, an escape, a companion, a horrible friend. This list is long and embarrassing. Every day some other moment pops up that reminds me of how I have used food in the past to try and fill that God shaped hole in me. But don't fool yourself, you have that hole too. And I bet there is something that you try to fill it with. Maybe for you it's not food. Maybe it's a guy. Or a job. Or a sport. Or a religion. None of these things replace the relationship with Jesus that we were made for.

So why do we keep doing it?

Last week I was lucky enough to attend the Willow Creek Leadership Summit in Chicago. I still have a brain hangover from it. It also showed me some ugly things about myself and my reactions to pain. When people hurt me (and I feel so deeply that this happens more than you think), I don't run to God. I run to food. Because food never changes. I know exactly what those Cool Ranch Doritos will taste like, and I need to numb the pain of being hurt, even for a few moments with Dorito crumbs on my fingers.

I wish we would all stop being so tough. I wish we would all climb over these walls we've built. But I know that the reality is that I can't make that change for the whole world, although I will devote my life to trying. I will also commit to running towards the only permanent, loving, eternal person in my life. The person that knows me better than anyone and that will never change, never hurt me, and never leave me.

No one else has claim to that place but Jesus himself.

And to be honest, I could really use some running partners.

-Liz

Finding light in the darkness

I have been battling a back injury for the majority of the summer. Admittedly, when I can't work out to the level I am used to, everything else in my life seems to fall apart.

It's only been about a week now that I am able to walk comfortably, stand around comfortably, and not have to take 6 Advil a day and ice my back whenever I can. What a frustrating process. But I also realized how I put my life on hold at the first sign of adversity.

But what if God is trying to teach me the most important lessons in the MIDST of adversity?

The other day I went on a walk in my neighborhood. A walk instead of a run. Walking for exercise feels so lame after I have been able to run 10 miles. But on this walk, God showed me two things. A tunnel and an open field.

The tunnel for me, represented fear of the unknown. Not knowing where to place my steps. Being blinded by the light on the other side and temporarily afraid of moving forward. It's a lonely place. Confining and isolating and scary. But God showed me that I have to do two things in that tunnel - trust Him with my steps, and remember that the light floods the darkness and I just have to be patient while my eyes adjust.

How many times do I go through a tunnel as fast as I can because I am afraid? How many times do I look only at what's ahead and miss what God is trying to show me in my very next steps?

In my neighborhood, this tunnel leads directly into a wide open field. I think God was trying to show me that life is wide open. My life is wide open, and I can't limit myself to only focusing and obsessing on the scale or my weight or my calorie intake.

So in this slow exercise season, I have been able to slow my life down and try new things. Would I go on long walks and listen to Steven Furtick sermons on my iPod if I was able to run? Probably not. Would I swim laps for a mile and find peace in the sound of the water instead of listening to Guns n Roses on my iPod while I'm on the spin bike? Nope. Is it possible that God is using this time to show me that there is more to me than just high octane cardio? Yup.

There is a lot more to you than your weight. Or your career. Or your boyfriend. Or your eating disorder. Or your kids. Or your bad habit. Or your church life. Or your team. Or your new school. Or your reputation. We were created for wide, open fields. Don't forget that.

-Liz

Gluten-free snack tips for dummies

Today I am on day 5 of gluten-free life. I have no idea how long this will last, so don't ask...

But while it's lasting, I thought I might give some tips of my favorite "clean" foods that I've been snacking on. Also important to note that I don't like cooking, I like easy.

1. Lara Bars. These are replacing my go-to Balance Bars. Totally different. Sweetened with dates and other natural fruits. My favorites are Cherry Pie, Apple Pie, and Coconut Cream Pie. (Although, if I had my way...I'd rather eat pie.)
2. Oatmeal. And lots of it. I just discovered an instant steel cut oatmeal by Oat Revolution. It's my on the go hot snack at the Y. Water from the coffee machine upstairs and oats in a Styrofoam cup. Magical.
3. Spinach, goat cheese, pear salad with balsamic. Not a big salad girl, but this one gets me good.
4. Trader Joe's Honey Greek Yogurt. This is like...crack. It is SO GOOD. Add granola and you will actually think you are doing crack. Confusing.
5. Hard boiled eggs. I don't like eggs for breakfast typically, but a hard boiled egg? Add some sea salt to it and it is an epic snacky treat.
6. PB2. This is a crazy powdered peanut butter that you can put in yogurt, cereal, oatmeal, smoothies, etc. 85% less calories than peanut butter and it doesn't taste like those other weird peanut butter substitutes I've tried like "Better Than Peanut Butter". GROSS. Talk about false advertising.
7. Vanilla almond milk. Better than soy in the flavor department. Yeah I said that.

And then if you are willing to take the plunge, my Vitamix blender has TRULY changed my life. They are stupid expensive, and my dad bought mine for me. So if you have a sweet dad, ask him to buy one for you. But I do shakes in it practically every morning. It also makes soups and salsas and dips and on and on, but I only make shakes. Here are some good ingredients:

1. Bananas. CRUCIAL. They thicken up the shakes and make it feel more filling.
2. Kale/Spinach mix. I get a mix at Trader Joe's called "Power to the Greens" which is chard, kale, and spinach. Spinach is by far the LEAST bitter green to add to shakes, so I recommend that if you are a taste snob like me.
3. Flax Seeds or Chia Seeds. They add fiber, and flax seeds add a nutty kick to a peanut butter chocolate smoothie. And the vitamix PULVERIZES these tiny seeds. It's crazy.
4. Almond milk. You only need a little! Spinach naturally breaks down into a bit of a liquid, so add less almond milk than you think you need.
5. Frozen fruit. My picks are berries, pineapple, or mango.
6. Coconut flakes.
7. Ice. If you aren't adding frozen fruit, you need some ice.
8. Hemp protein powder. This is the most natural yet least offensive tasting protein powder that is gluten-free.

Eating gluten-free has been really hard for me. And I know it won't last forever. But I have seen noticeable improvement in my restfulness at night and my general health during the day. Try it out if you want, but not if it makes you go CRAZY with snacking at night (I have noticed this as a side effect of cleanses for me. I do great during the day, but when the sun goes down, so does my will power because I am STARVING).

If you know of any other easy gluten-free snacks, let me know!

-Liz

Burn your fences

It's amazing what I can talk myself out of.

My life has been emotionally charged lately. I guess it's a combination of a lot of things, and a few things that I'm not willing to crack open on a blog. But let's just say my highs have been high, and my lows have been low. VERY low.

You would think that after two years of battling food issues, I wouldn't turn to food in the midst of emotional turmoil.

You would be wrong.

I still have go-to comfort foods. Even though, ultimately, these foods make me uncomfortable. I know what overeating does to me, but even though I know what it does to me, I do what I want. And after those few minutes of food bliss, I experience food depression. It's deep and dark and isolating and defeating.

So even though I know what I shouldn't do, I do it anyway. It makes me feel extremely alone, and I wonder if anyone deals with this as ridiculously as I do. And then God reminds me in Romans 7:

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

So if you are a fence sitter like me, take this seriously. Don't just hop off the fence, burn the fence. Don't let that fence be an option anymore. There is a battle going on for each one of us. An angel and a devil on each shoulder. One talking you out of bad decisions, the other talking you into bad decisions. Here is a list of thoughts that are TRUE SIGNS you are listening to the devil and not the angel. I know, because I think the same things:

1. I've had a long day. I deserve a little comfort food!
2. I'll start tomorrow.
3. Everyone else can eat whatever they want, so why do I have to live differently?
4. I already cheated once, so the weekend is lost anyway.
5. I just need a break.

And on and on and on. I haven't figured out the happy medium yet. But I do know from experience, that the slide starts slow and before you know it, you get out of control and when you lose self-control, it's the danger zone.

I had to get off the fence this week. While it's true that no one else is in my exact same circumstances, I have realized that food does not comfort me like I wish it would. It hurts me. And I'm not willing to hurt myself like this anymore.

If you're in the midst of a struggle like this one, know that God is on your side. So that is the side we have to listen to. Every. Single. Time.

-Liz

The next big thing.

This game will easily ruin your
social life. Beware!

I was at a restaurant the other night and I saw a family eating dinner together. Well, together is a relative term. They were sitting at the same table, yes. But one of their kids was on their Nintendo DS, and the other one had headphones in. That's not the craziest part. The craziest part was that this appeared to be completely acceptable and normal to the entire family.

Like most times in life, I thought about how this is applying to me personally instead of casting that impatient judgment on the non-together family. I see a lot of this in my own life, but it comes out in different ways. One way happened that same night as all of my friends sat down for a meal together. At one point, I was playing Candy Crush for my friend Hannah to try and level her up and my friend Ryan was texting our other friend and my friend Austin was watching one of the 300 flat screen tv's on at the restaurant and my friend Hunter was trolling his twitter feed. We were all together, but were we really together?

I am thinking about this today because I think it gets dangerous. I am reading David Platt's new book and I think it's dangerous. He wrote "Radical" and he is a radical guy. He is most certainly the guy that says "drop everything and follow Jesus" which turns into a geographic challenge from him to "quit everything and move to a third world country." That's where it gets dangerous to me.

Yes, that is God's plan for some. But not all. Yes, that is God's call to some, but not all. The flip side of this movement is that I think it's creating a generation of us that can't connect to the here and now because we are always thinking of the there and later.

What is the next best thing? Is there someone else that has texted me that I need to reply to right now instead of talking to the person across the table from me? Where will this job take me later? How long will I have to do this in order to get to that?

We are asking the wrong questions. The only question I think we should be asking is this: "God, what will you have me do today?"

I hope you are in a place where you know you are loved right now, where you are. Because that's where God is. He is right there, where you are. And as far as I know, our only calling is to love God and love others.

Everything else is just geography.

-Liz

Own it.

As I get older, there are a few things that I need to own.

One...I'm not an adventurous type. Rollercoasters and skydiving and bungee jumping don't get me excited. They get me nervous.

Another one...I like to go to bed early. I like to get up early. I have a routine and I really like it. As my dad used to tell me "Nothing good happens after 9pm." He was and still is SO right.

I am reading a book called "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. The premise of the book is this woman, who was surrounded by death in her family, got lost in the darkness of it all and was challenged by a friend to write down on thousand things she was thankful for. It's amazing. The subtitle is: Dare to live fully right where you are.

I like this subtitle SO MUCH because I feel like, all around me, is this attitude: I can't wait for what's next. I miss how it used to be. I wish for more, I want for different, I long for how it was.

Whatever happened to living in the present?

In the book, the author cites Exodus 3:14 "God said to Moses, "I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: 'I AM has sent me to you." She goes on to say...God is so serious about living in the present, that He calls himself I AM.

He doesn't call himself "I will be" or "I was". He is I AM. But here we are. We are "I wish for" and "I was" and "I hope to be."

I am owning my weight loss progress in this light. I lost a lot of weight last year. But then it slowed. And then it stopped. And then one bad decision turned into a lost weekend turned into a good few days turned into a bad few months. This weekend I went to Dunkin Donuts and got a dozen donuts. Just for myself. I haven't told anyone this. But I need to own this decision, so there you go.

I have been limping along, not committing, not owning a decision either way. Do I want this, or don't I? And I mean NOW. In the present. It can no longer be "I did well" or "I will do better" it HAS to be "I am doing well." Today. Right now. In the present. I AM DOING WELL.

Just like everything else, this change for me is an ongoing dialogue with God. God, how can I do this? How can I keep doing this? How will I feel in a week, a month a year? But I did so well before, remember back then? Can't we focus on the past or the future?

And you know what God's answer is every single time? I AM.

I AM.

Read that book, One Thousand Gifts. It will make you thankful for the present. And then deal with the present. The today. Because this is where God wants to meet us.

I AM. He is. So we are.

-Liz

Rookie Rash

Remember my friend Sandy that I told you about? (check this post for background) Well, Sandy wouldn't give up on asking me to go out with her on a ride. A real ride. With cars and witnesses and potential for death.

We scheduled a date. Well, I did that thing where I was half-heartedly like "how about next weekend?" to which she said "I am riding 60 miles on Saturday with my friend who is training for the Ironman, but what about Friday?"

At this point, I am wondering how the hell I can get out of this. I am going out on my first bike ride with someone who uses the term "Ironman" so casually in conversation. To say I felt in over my head is an understatement.

"Friday, sure, how about 3pm?" And I clicked the send button. And with that sent email, my fate was sealed.

Last night I was nervous. This morning I had my training session and told my trainer how nervous I was. She said "Don't be nervous! You won't fall. Well, you might fall." And that was the second time someone told me "You're gonna fall, just be ok with it. Probably a few times."

Great.

So Friday is here. I had no excuse to not meet Sandy at the local bike shop to go out on our ride. Seems like a good place to meet, but imagine - going to the BIKE SHOP and trying to RIDE A BIKE in their parking lot. But it couldn't be that hard to ride. I mean, it's phrased "it's just like riding a bike" for a reason, right?

Wait for it.

I think this is called "Rookie Rash"

 I get there, Sandy is there, so excited for me. She even put beginner pedals on the bike for me so I wasn't clipped in. The seat was good to go, and off we went. Well, off she went. I got on the bike, was overcome by awkwardness, started to pedal in the parking lot (yes, right near the front of the store where people were perusing the bikes on the sidewalk) and whoop whoop WOP. Down I go, right in front of the bike professionals. It was one of those sloooooow falls. I knew I was about to fall, I was falling, falling, fell.

But Sandy was not phased. "Let's ride around the parking lot and practice shifting!" So we did, for about 30 seconds. And then Sandy said "Time to go!" "Time to what?" I asked. But before I could say no, we were off into traffic.

Don't worry, it just got better from there. I was two breaths away from telling her that I didn't want to do this. I wasn't ready for this. I don't think I'm capable.

Sound familiar?

We didn't ride very far, in my opinion. But Sandy was the most encouraging person ever. The whole time we rode, she was just chatting with me and would talk about beginners and how out of shape most  people are that they can't make it half the distance we went. And then she said something I'll never forget:

"But you're so in shape, I'm not worried about you at all!"

Who was she talking about? I legitimately had a moment while I was riding and wondering "did this woman just say I was in shape? I must have heard her wrong?"

This is post-ride. Pre-ride I was in no mood
for photos.

I have had some moments in the past year where I simply cannot believe that this is my life now, that this is who I am now. And today was absolutely one of them. The ride was great. It was challenging, scary, and there was one time a car came so close to me that I thought I was going to fly into a ditch. But it was exhilarating and I was so glad I got out of the parking lot.

I guess my lesson for the day is: how many things do I talk myself out of because I am afraid? How many things do we not try because it's easier to stay in the mediocre middle?

The other lesson for the day: everybody falls. So, get back up.

-Liz