Peeling away the layers.

From another friend of mine that I've asked to share. Check out her amazing story:

I’m sad to say that I have never known what it has felt like to be of “normal” weight. My weight has always been the topic of discussion in doctor appointments, family conversations, and peer ridicule. Each and every comment has left a scar on my heart and soul. Ironically, the more I heard (overheard) the painful words the more I reached for food. I ate to become invisible. Underneath the visible obese situation was a secret world of abuse. 

After years of believing the lie, I won’t amount to anything, I began to call out to God for help. Every night was filled with deep pain, dark fear, and relentless pleas to God for help. I was utterly disgusted with myself and so was the “world”. I finally took the plunge and unleashed my abuse secret to trusted adults in my life. With the guidance of youth group ministers, close mentors, and former teachers I began to peel away each layer of the “onion” that trapped my heart and soul.

It has been the most trying, scary, and excruciating process to let the layers peel off. I have felt so exposed to the world after years of trying to hide. In the beginning of the process I would lose five pounds here or two pounds there, but they always returned when I was not looking. I felt defeated over and over. I cried out, “What’s wrong with me?” to anyone who would listen. I found myself still obsessed with food and being counterproductive. I wanted to be free from the struggle and not develop a new food struggle. I hated the trap. I longed for a battle with something we did not need to survive. 

Then in 2011 my beloved Grandmother was faced with a terminal illness that brought me to her bedside until her final breath. I held on to everything she said, every smile she gave, and every breath she took. Something inside me was awoken and could no longer sit still. I promised my Grandmother that I would take care of myself in a letter I placed in her coffin. I left her grave unaware how I would keep my promise, but I knew God had a plan.

The Lord’s plan for my promise to my Grandmother started to unfold as I felt the urge to learn how to run a race. The idea of completing a running race was so totally crazy that I knew it had to have my Grandmother’s blessing. So, September 2011 I joined a walk to run class in my local community. The coach was so supportive and encouraging despite my “I can’t do that” attitude each night. Low and behold I was on my way to my first 5K on Thanksgiving. I set three goals for myself: 1. Don’t be last. 2. Finish in under 45 minutes and 3. Don’t give up. Praise be to God all three were accomplished. Go figure it was the 10th anniversary of the 5k and therefore a finisher’s medal was placed around my neck. It felt like I just completed my OLYMPIC moment! It was so thrilling. Another layer of fear was peeled off that day.

I took the 5k momentum and kept running the race with weight. Little by little the pounds were dropping and staying off. People starting making “skinny” comments everyday. I found it hard to believe them. One would think it would be easy to feel “skinny”, but I felt EXACTLY the same as I did at my heaviest. Not even buying new clothes at a smaller size changed my brain’s perception on me. All the attention made me run for the dark hole to hide again. After reaching a loss of nearly 80 pounds I gave up again. I did not know how to handle being “normal”.

 Then came my first year of running anniversary as I did the Thanksgiving race again. Then again I was motivated to fight the fight. I made a new goal of completing a 10k. In November 2013 I conquered the 10k goal with a friend who decided to join me. Now I am working with my big sister to finish a half marathon in May 2015. Each day is battle not for the faint of heart. The lies I grew up with as “truth” are constantly swirling around in my head. The feeling of “this will never be finished” can be so depressing. But the unfailing grace and love of Christ with beloved friends walking along side me I can continue to peel layers off. The process is slow with many bumps along they way, but I wholeheartedly encourage to take that first step each morning. I also ask that if you see someone with a weight struggle to be kind and gentle because you never know the pain underneath the weight that devastates them to their core.

Today I am back on track to reach the 100’s again, a sight I have not seen since about the 7th grade. I am trying to preserve over the injuries that I’m faced with as I strive to obtain my half marathon goal in 7 months. I have no idea how many layers I have peeled back, but each one holds a part of me that I have to embrace, accept, love, and then let go. If you are on your own journey I highly commend you for your strength, bravery, and dedication. I believe in YOU!

Would you be willing to share your story? Email me! The more we open up to each other, we can rest assured that we are all in it together.

Permission to be yourself

I am reading this book with work called "The Gift of Imperfection" by Brene Brown. First of all, this book changed my life when I first read it back in January. So much so, that I am reading it with my co-workers. If you need another reason to believe me, check this out:

"When we can let go of what other people think and own our story, we gain access to our worthiness."

Is this what authenticity is really about? Christians are the worst offenders of all. See when I became a Christian, it was all about responding to Jesus' love for me. But the longer I am a Christian, the more I see my Christian friends trying to be someone that they just...aren't.

Oh but, me too. I am guilty of trying to sound more Christian, talk more Christian, read and write more Christian, look more Christian, just be more...acceptable to Christians.

But isn't that stupid since...Jesus Christ accepts me as I am? It's us Christians that don't accept us as we are.

In other words, how can I gain access to my real worth when I am trying to live someone else's story?

So if you're a Christian and you're reading this, help me to change this epidemic. And if you're a Christian girl reading this, let me give you permission to be yourself. It's ok to be yourself and love Jesus at the same time. In fact, Jesus loves those parts of you that make you different. God made them, after all. Break that "Christian girl mold" that you may have been sold where you have trade in your sass, your fun, your sarcasm, your weirdness for some pale version of yourself.

I don't know, I just have this dream where everyone of us can be ok with who we are and love that about each other. I think accountability is unbelievably important, but that somewhere along the way, we have gotten accountability confused with judgment. Here's the difference: accountability says "I love you and I am with you while we work through this together." Judgment says "I don't like this about you so I am going to label you and walk away."

Can we let go of what other people think about us? If we do, we can finally rest in our own self-worth and stop living as lame versions of ourselves. Trust me. When you aren't being yourself, it is really lame. The world needs you. Just as you are.

"Don't let what you want now get in the way of what you want most."

Yesterday I was listening to a Steven Furtick sermon while on the bike and I heard him say "Don't let what you want now get in the way of what you want most." You can find it here under Part 2.

This idea has been spinning in my brain since. Not just in terms of health and wellness, but in terms of friendship. Loneliness. Success. Finance. Love. Anger. Pride. And every emotion that can pass in and out of us at the drop of a hat.

Have you ever acted out of anger and then been immediately embarrassed about it? Have you ever not gotten what you thought you deserved and internalized it way too much, letting it cut you too deep? Have you ever been rejected by a friend and let that mess with your identity and confidence?

The answer is yes. Way too many times.

Too often I am driven by what I want now instead of what I want most. What I want now tends to prevent me from what I want most. I am often bamboozled by my past. Mistakes I have made. Regrets. Fear. It has become a daily battle for me to not believe that my past mistakes can affect my future.

If I give into what I want now, I let loneliness make my decisions. And those are never good decisions. If I give into what I want most, I am learning love, acceptance, patience, discipline, and that I deserve a lot more than I think I do.

We all deserve more than these impulse, reactionary decisions. Don't let what you want now get in the way of what you want most.

Hang in there.

This morning I had the humbling opportunity to speak to a group of YMCA professionals about authenticity and openness. Two subjects that, when paired together, can be really painful. But also, when done well, can be very freeing.

We did this exercise where I asked everyone to write down something they struggle and then I read some of them out loud. They were anonymous answers, but I asked everyone in the room to stand up if they, too, struggled with that particular issue.

What did the group write down? Here are some great ones.

I struggle with:

• speaking honestly with those closest to me.
• loneliness.
• believing I am good enough when everyone around me is so critical and discouraging.
• finding the right person to love and not settling for someone that isn't right for me.
• graduating from college and being single while everyone around me is getting married and having babies.
• talking to a group of people I don't know.

And these went on and on. For each one I read, so many people in the room stood up. And here was the beauty of the exercise: when we realize we are not alone in our struggle, the struggle loses its power over us.

Have you ever loved someone and not had that love returned? It's heartbreaking. It only takes one time for that to happen to shut you down and wall yourself off from the world. But from what I saw today, there is a world out there that wants to know you. And some people won't return the love you give out. But some will. Let's keep trying until we find each other.

Hang in there, guys. Hang in there.

Why not me?

I asked a friend of mine, Sarah, to write a blog post. She is 19 years old and has had fantastic success losing weight over the past year. But it was and is FAR from easy. Read this, and prepare to nod your head in agreement with her honesty and realness:

I have been overweight since about the age of 13. After my parent’s divorce I turned to food for comfort. It was the one constant I could turn to when my life seemed to be falling apart. Food was something that was guaranteed to always be there and always seemed to make me happy.

At this time my mom saw me, her youngest daughter, gaining weight and took me to a nutritionist. This was the first of many different diets/nutritionists/personal trainers that I would encounter. At this point I didn’t feel overweight. I was still extremely happy and doing normal kid things like swimming on the swim team and hanging out with friends. The thing that made me most upset was not that I was overweight, but how much my weight bothered my mom. The different diet plans would work for a short period of time, but I would eventually fall back into my old habits and gain the weight back. Looking back, I think I was too young to make a lifestyle change. I didn’t see a problem, so I had no intention to change my ways.

Now I am 19 years old. A little over a year ago I was a senior in high school and it was senior prom time. This is the event that most students dream of. For me it was the opposite. All of my friends were getting asked to prom in cute ways and shopping at the cutest boutiques for their fancy dresses. I was dreading the prom season because for one I didn’t get asked and secondly I was worried I wouldn’t find a dress that I fit into and actually liked. Prom ended up being a fun occasion, but it opened my eyes to how much my weight was holding me back. Although others didn’t seem to define me by my weight, I realized I was defining my own self-worth by my weight.

Senior prom, May 2013 - and then the same dress on July, 2014.

So, I really set my mind to making a change. I was sick of going to the doctor and getting a lecture about how my weight was unhealthy, I was tired of feeling so insecure, and most of all I was tired of being so unhappy. These things served as motivation for me to keep on track with my healthy eating and exercising.

I wish I could say that this major lifestyle change has been easy. From the outside it probably looks like it is. What makes this process so difficult is the internal thoughts that go on inside my head. I sometimes feel like these thoughts attempt to sabotage my weight loss and I have to fight against them to keep on the right track.

One thing in particular that has been an ongoing struggle on this journey is the self pity that I create for myself. I often catch myself thinking "Why me?" or "How come I struggle with weight while none of my friends do?" or “No one understands how hard this is for me”. It’s easy to just get angry at the situation and use this anger as an excuse to give up, but these questions I ask myself only lead to even more negative thoughts. For one, it is not a good thing to compare yourself to others because everyone (yes even the person that you think has it all together and seems "perfect") struggles with something. Some people's struggles are more visible than others, but no one is perfect. Another issue with this thought process is that thinking these thoughts doesn't change ANYTHING. I have learned that I need to accept this challenge that I have in front of me. Pitying myself doesn't help my fight whatsoever.

Another issue I have come to face is the feeling of embarrassment when eating out with friends. For some reason going out to eat has become a social experience. If you are meeting up with friends they seem to decide to go out to dinner or go out for ice-cream. This used to be my favorite outing, but has recently turned into a planned out occasion. When  we choose a restaurant I immediately pull up an online caloric version of the menu. I either do this before I arrive or at the table (making sure no one sees). When we order, I feel a mixture of embarrassment and jealousy. 

For example, just last week my friends and I went out to eat while at the beach. They all decided to order milkshakes- I didn't partake in this and instead ordered a water. For some reason I feel embarrassed in situations like this because I think everyone is thinking about my choice and it seems awkward. In reality I am sure no one even thinks twice about what I order. I wish I could order a milkshake, but I know the sense of guilt I would experience while drinking it would outweigh the enjoyment. In the moment this decision was not very easy, but afterwards I felt good about my choice. At school in the dining hall there is self-serve ice-cream. Often times before leaving all of my friends will get ice-cream. Instead of completely disallowing myself to partake in any dessert, I decided to create my own dessert that I enjoy and look forward to. I make a fruit and yogurt parfait with some of my favorite granola on top. With this substitution, I feel that I still get to enjoy dessert while also keeping on track with my lifestyle change.

Although these healthier decisions are extremely hard to make at times, I know that these small choices make a difference in the long run. Not having those french fries or that dessert doesn't seem like it would make a difference but those choices add up.

I know I just need to stop questioning Why and start asking myself Why not?

Sarah

The horribly wonderful, terribly terrific world of food.

This morning I had my youth director team over for a breakfast meeting at my house. Typically, this is an occasion that would be fun to plan, enjoy, and be excited about. If it was a meeting at my house, without the food, then yes - that would be the case.

But enter the horribly wonderful, terribly terrific world of food.

Breakfast is my favorite meal. No other meal can say that it is enjoyed at all times of the day. Breakfast for dinner? Yes please! Breakfast for lunch? Great! Midnight at Waffle House? Of course! So planning a breakfast filled with pancakes, egg casserole, and monkey bread (sweet, sweet monkey bread) is a dream come true.

Or a nightmare for those of us with food issues.

So I have had this internal battle for days now. Days. Should I eat what everyone else eats? What if I just have a little bit? One bite won't hurt! Just enjoy the meal! Eat whatever you want, it's not a big deal, get it out of your system!

I don't know how this happened, but pancakes, egg casserole, and an overflowing pan of monkey bread was made at my house, and I ate fruit, drank coffee, and enjoyed one Liz-shaped pancake courtesy of Anthony.

I didn't eat the monkey bread. And then I did 20 miles on the spin bike.

All this to say, God cares a lot about the things that hurt me and limit me. And God cares a lot about me overcoming those things. For me, it's food. For you, it might be something else. But none of our hang-ups are inconsequential to God. Because nothing about us is inconsequential to God. Maybe when we all see how valuable we are, we will start to see how big God is.

And in the meantime, I'll be navigating the wonderful world of food and all the delicious pitfalls in between. But today, today was a win.

Sometimes the devil sounds a lot like Jesus

"Sometimes the devil sounds a lot like Jesus, telling me I'm not enough.
But I don't believe it, but I can feel it, and I need you so. Yes I need you so."
(Ben Rector, "If You Can Hear Me")

My friend Tyler and I have been knee deep in Ben Rector songs lately. His words just seem so fitting in so many ways, and he's a Christian guy who writes Christian songs that aren't...cheesy.

This particular song has been on repeat for me lately. Have you noticed that we like to beat ourselves up so much sometimes, that we even believe God is that voice inside our heads telling us that we aren't enough?

For example: guilt we feel for drinking last night. Shame we feel for going to far with that guy. Worry we feel about that job interview. That thing we did. That mistake we made. That position we don't deserve.

And I think we reason it away with weird sayings like "God is trying to teach me a lesson" or "I guess  this is payback for my years of turning away from God" because it is easier to believe we don't deserve love than to believe anyone, let alone God Himself, could love us unconditionally.

Have you thought about unconditional love lately? We don't understand that. At all. I don't love anyone unconditionally. When someone hurts me, I protect myself from that happening again. Why would I love that person again unconditionally when there is no guarantee that I won't get hurt again? But I am probably the only one that feels this way, right?

The problem is we don't believe what God says about us. And this infects our every day. Our habits, our relationships, our bank accounts, our mirrors, our clothes, our jobs, our choices. Imagine how different you would live, just for today, believing that you are good enough.

I was going to give an update on the shiny new scale I've been using, but this came out instead. So that will happen another day soon. For right now, I think this is enough. Just like you.