I'd rather be a drug addict.

Sometimes.

Wait, don't freak out. Don't get offended. Or, you can get offended, just hear me out.

I was in the stairwell today, on #4 of my 50 sets of stairs. My brain has been spinning lately with how SERIOUS my food addiction is. When I'm in a beige on beige stairwell and have nothing but time, my brain works overtime.

I think about the past. I think about where I'm at. Mostly, I beat myself up about regrets. I've been thinking about something a lot lately that I finally am able to articulate.

I'd rather be a drug addict.

Yes, an offensive statement. But here's the thing: if I was a drug addict, it would be clear that I needed to stop using drugs. My community would rally around me. I could avoid drugs, get treatment, work the program, and stay clean and sober.

Not true for us food addicts.

I can't stop using food. My community doesn't rally around me. Some do. Some just don't get it. I can't avoid food, I am making up the treatment as I go, I am working my own program, and sometimes I am clean and sober.

For food addiction, there aren't clear answers really. Should I never eat processed foods? Is any food ok as long as it's in small portions? And what about holidays? Birthdays? Nights out? Celebrations?

You rarely see groups of people celebrate someone's birth by gathering around a big batch of crystal meth. Yet, I am in the presence of birthday cakes and blooming onions and high fructose corn syrup more than I care to admit. All in the name of celebration.

Drug addicts can avoid their normal spots. Alcoholics can avoid the bar. How am I supposed to avoid - the world? Especially where I live, I can think of any food imaginable and drive less than 5 miles to get it. This process is tougher than I ever thought it would be.

Drug addiction is serious. It ruins families. Kills people. Breaks relationships. Causes heartbreak, isolation, despair, and loneliness.

Newsflash, my friends... so does food addiction. I think I am one of many that can attest to that. So take it seriously. We are in the battle for our very lives. Amen?

-Liz

Growing Pains

"So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers,  to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.

Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work." - Ephesians 4

I've been off the radar for a few weeks. I had a few life changes happen. New job, trip to see a friend during her dad's funeral, family drama, (insert your excuse for letting things slide here.)

I've been working out, but I have also been eating kind of whatever I want. Nothing crazy. Just Mexican food here, pizza there, meals that I really should stay away from. I lost sight of the goal. I have gotten comfortable with my 82 pound weight loss. And to be honest, I lost my mojo. I lost the fire.

I got tossed back and forth by the waves. Not even big tidal waves. Little waves that most people can't even surf off of. Stupid little ripples. A dinner party here...a sore back there...a long day deserving of ice cream, whatever it was...it wasn't worth it.

What are the waves that are tossing you around? Why are you letting them? Why are WE letting them? I guess my real question is...when will I grow up?

Can we all make a decision to stop letting our circumstances rule our emotions? Or, as Reverend Run once said: "Don't let your happenings determine your happiness." I want peace. Don't you? And I don't think that peace should come ONLY WHEN EVERYTHING ELSE LINES UP AS IT SHOULD. Just like I don't think God deserves only my leftovers: my leftover time, my leftover money, my leftover thoughts.

I'm experiencing growing pains this week. I have a feeling that I'm not the only one.

-Liz

When did I stop sharing?

MINE! MINE! MINE!

At my workplace, I get to hear adults speak into the hearts of little kids all the time. A big lesson that they always instill is the value of sharing. Sharing toys, sharing snack, sharing space, in the hopes that one day, these kids would learn to share their lives.

So here we are now, as adults, living in a world where we don't share. Seriously, when was the last time you shared for the specific purpose of knowing that we were supposed to do that?

"Share with God's people in need. Practice hospitality." -Romans 12:13

Last night my roommate came back from a rather long trip. She is my accountability partner, she is my favorite friend, she is the person that challenges me the most, so her presence in my daily life was missed, especially in terms of my eating habits.

This morning, her car broke down. And that always throws your schedule into a tailspin. I had a heart issue of not wanting to let her use my car. I didn't want to share. Yes, just like that kid with a new toy that rebelliously declares it MINE MINE MINE!!!!

So I reluctantly decided I need to let her use my car to get to her job in Durham and I said this sentence and immediately wished I could take it back: "You can borrow my car, but I swear to GOD if something happens to it..."

Conditional sharing. Perhaps the worst kind. You share, but with limits and constraints that never REALLY come from a heart of giving.

So Dee took my car today, and I had time to sit at Brueggers for a while and think about what God was trying to show me. It was actually...incredible. Here are a few truths that I figured out about myself, maybe you can relate:

1. That Ford Explorer is not mine. It's God's.
2. I am not allowed to put conditions on my sharing. If I do, it's not coming from the right place, so it just doesn't count.
3. When I share my things, it's awesome. When I share my struggles, it's revolutionary.

Here's the thing about #3...it is good to share. It is, in fact, a revolution to share your struggles. Someone posted on Facebook this morning: "No one is afraid to say I love you. What they are really afraid of is the response."

If I admit I am struggling, what will you say? If I admit that I am screwed up, how will you respond? If I share my pain, will you share yours?

The short answer, which I have found out by keeping this blog, is YES.

Sometimes.

But the sometimes are the times that matter.

-Liz

Sweet little lies

When I started this blog specific to my weight loss journey, it was meant for the sole purpose of holding me accountable to keep at it. I knew that, if I made it known to everyone that I was doing this, that it would be much harder for me to quit.

What it's turned into, is a place for me to be reminded that I am not alone. A lot of us feel the same way, whether or not we've ever admitted it. Today I am struggling with something that I know is universal. It doesn't matter if you're battling weight loss, or if it's something else. Whatever it is, this concept, for me, is all the same:

What happens when you start believing lies?

Over the past few weeks, here are a few lies that I have believed. See, believing in these lies temporarily, even for a moment, creates a setback for me, because it only takes a second for me to fall off the wagon and do something stupid.

Have you ever believed one (or all) of these lies?

1. You can't do it. You'll probably never get to where you want to be, and you've gone pretty far, so give yourself a break.
2. Nobody really knows how you feel.
3. You've talked about this enough with people, they are sick of hearing about it.
4. You deserve this. You need a break. You'll start tomorrow.
5. It's not that big of a deal.
6. _______ doesn't struggle with this, so why should you?

On and on and on, right? I heard a woman in church say something awesome that immediately made me tear up because, she was reading my mind:
"As soon as God asks you to do something, Satan will work overtime to stop you from doing it."

Let me be clear. I believe there is light in this world, and if I believe that, then I have to believe that there is dark in this world. If I believe there is a God, I have to believe there is an enemy. And the enemy doesn't want you to succeed. If you succeed, you will be powerful. You will be closer to God and then darkness loses.

We know that Jesus Christ conquered death. So He has already conquered these lies for us. Yet, we still believe them.

Why do we believe them?

I am learning that it is easier to believe the lies. It is easier to settle. It is easier to do whatever we want. It is easier to believe that we are not worth it, that we were not made for more. It is easier to believe that we, at best, are...

Average.

It is hard for me to say no to cupcakes. It is hard for me to go to meetings where there is a bowl of M&Ms on our table and not eat them (this happened last week, and yes, I ate them). It is hard for me to watch tv at home and not want to snack for hours. It is hard for me to get up in the morning and put on my running shoes and work out. It is hard for me to say no to certain social situations where everyone else can eat whatever they want and not have it directly affect their heart and soul like it does for me.

But it is better.

You and I are not average. We are called to a greater purpose. But there is something that is in the way. Something that prevents us from fully becoming the person the God has made us to be. And when we start to face that thing, that's when we believe the lies and the battle gets serious. It gets serious, because it is truly a BATTLE for your heart and soul. When we lessen the seriousness of the struggle, we lessen our own value and self-worth and before you know it, here we are. Living a paltry version of the abundant life we were created for.

Haven't we been believing lies about ourselves for too long? What would happen if we started believing the truth?

You were made for more than this.

-Liz

When the sun goes down, so does my willpower.

I got a great FB message from a friend today who struggles with...wait for it...snacking late at night. WHO DOES THAT?

Is everyone raising their hand right now? Cause I am.

Ok, here is her email:

"SO..weird thing is, when you facebooked me back..I didn't respond bc i was falling off the wagon...when i wrote you first i was doing SO well! lost 23 lbs and tHEN....ive gained 10 back. How do you continue to stay motivated?? Thats what im missing! food plays such a big part in my life, when im happy, sad, lonely, entertianment or just plain hungry!....ive noticed just recently i can go all day eating so healthy! and then night comes and i eat EVERYTHING in sight...literally thousands of calories and i cant break that habit! so everything i do during the day gets cancelled out by night time. I love following your blog bc i feel that you understand what im going through. Let me know if you have any tips at all..greatly appreciated! :)"

Can you relate?

So last night, I got home home around 6:30 and ate dinner. Then, the night time is here. Shoot. The tv comes on, and so does my desire for snacking. I had been eating great all day! Was I about to blow it by eating whatever I want while watching RHONJ? (Team Manzo all the way.)

Here's the thing: mindless eating is just that...MINDLESS. We are stuffing things into our mouths without even looking at what's going in there. No portions, no rules, and sometimes, no chewing. Just that general shoveling motion. I have some tips that have worked for me in the past, so take or leave whatever might work for you:

1. Don't eat straight out of the bag. Those calories are adding up, and they will end up on your love handles. Trust me. Portion out whatever you want, and take a small bowl to the couch, NOT the whole bag.
2. Cookie time? Try Luna Fiber bars, or Clif Kidz bars. Both are only about 120 calories and taste like Nutrigrain bars or can be great cookie substitutes. Clif Kidz bars have awesome flavors (Oatmeal and Honey Graham are the bomb). If you love brownies, get the Fiber One peanut butter brownies. Oh. My. Gosh.
3. Skinny Cow Ice Cream. If you just HAVE to have ice cream. These are right around 100 calories and come in a ton of varieties. Basically, you just have to find substitutes that work for you.
4. If you have $250 to spare, I highly recommend getting a Vitamix blender. The Ninja blender is another option (about $100) that people use and like. Both of these will blend leafy greens down to a pulp and you can hide your vegetables in fruit smoothies. For instance, last night I did two bananas, almond milk, ice, spinach, and Hershey's syrup and it's the closest thing I can get to a milkshake without impeding all my progress.
5. Sometimes you're not really hungry, but thirsty. For some weird reason, ice cold water will get me through that initial craving part of the night where I am DYING for something to eat. Your body might just want something to drink and fill you up. Try that one, it might work!
6. Find something else to occupy your hands. Try smoking! Sike. Try video games, or a puzzle, or going for a walk or reading. Watching tv, for me, always means snacking, so I had to change up that routine. I think my hands just got used to automatically feeding my mouth. Sort of like a trained dog. But we are not dogs. Food is not our reward.
7. The kitchen is closed. At around 8pm, I need to declare OUT LOUD that the kitchen is closed. No more snacks, no more nothing. I can have water, and fruits and veggies, but nothing else. Give yourself about 4 hours before bed to declare that you are done eating for the night.
8. Think about how you will feel in 5 minutes. The cravings I get, as soon as I satisfy them, are gone imeediately. And then they are replaced by guilt and regret. How many times have you said "Why did I just eat that?" How many times do you want to say "I'm so proud that I didn't eat that."
9. Do the math. According to this article, One single tortilla chip topped with 7-layer dip would take 9.5 minutes of stair climbing to burn off. There is more scary statistics in the link, but it opens my eyes to why the heck I am eating like I eat.
10. Be a smart grocery store shopper. It sounds crazy, but don't go alone if you can't handle it. Don't push by the ice cream section if it's too much. And don't ever go to the grocery store hungry. This spells disaster for even the strongest person.

Hope this helps. And thank you to my friend for asking a practical food question. This is good for all of us, because we are NOT alone.

Amen!
-Liz

Jesus in the grocery store

I am roommate-less for the next few weeks while my little sidekick Baby Dee is on vacation. Roommate-less sounds like it would be so great. Freedom! Freedom! Turns out I got too much...FREEDOM!

The reason I know this is because I went to the grocery store by myself on Sunday afternoon. First mistake. And I also went hungry. Second mistake. So I got all the fruits and vegetables I needed. Picked up some other fresh foods on the perimeter. Then, I ventured inland to the danger zone.

And there I was. Alone with the Entenmann's raspberry danish twist. Before I knew it, it was in my hands. I was reading the nutrition facts, praying to God that they had found some way to infuse the deliciousness with fiber and low fat goodness.



Quit your smiling, tough guy.



This is where it got weird. I looked up and saw a man walking towards me in the dairy section. His cart was filled with big foods. Big foods, to me, are like - whole turkeys. And cheeses. And bacon and sugary cereals and sweets and pastas. Big foods. And he was a big man. Probably 400+ pounds.

Then I heard God say "Liz, you are not going back to that. I won't let you."

So I dropped the raspberry danish twist. Then I pushed around my cart of kale and carrots and almond milk and 40 calorie bread. And then I pushed it in a circle and looked at the Entenmann's one more time. And then there was that man, one more time.

And then there was God saying "Just walk away. You are not going back to that."

So that was that. Grocery stores are my retail therapy, because food has always been my therapy. What a terrible therapist. Yesterday I survived. I hope today I make good choices, too.

The small things matter. If you forget that, remember this story. Because Jesus met me in the grocery store, so there is NO LIMIT to where He'll meet you.

-Liz

Be your own best friend.

I have been noticing how hard I've been on myself lately. Watching the scale #s, counting calories, watching the time tick away on the treadmill. Very methodical, very scientific, and very...unforgiving.

See, if I had a friend like me, and I saw someone picking on them, putting them down, and being unforgiving towards them, I would immediately stand in the gap and fight for them. Don't treat my friend like that! Why are you being so hard on them? This is my best friend and I won't let you treat her that way!

So why do I do this to...myself?

I'm changing it up. For me, and for the world of us that are too stinking hard on ourselves. I will not, however, give up this fight. I am just choosing to remember that the fight is not against myself.

-Liz