Peel the onion.

Ultimately, there comes a point in any blog about weight loss where the blogger just...stops.

Something happens where you reach that goal, or you get tired, or you lose that sense of wonder because the process turns into a grind and you run out of things to say on the subject.

This hasn't happened to me. But it is the end of the beginning.

The onion has peeled for me. About ten times over. My weight has never been just about calories. Or pounds. Or pants sizes. It is much deeper and much more difficult. And I have come to realize that it will never be over. Because we never stop growing, never stop struggling, never stop trying to be better.

So we peel the onion.

The beginning was basic. Work out, eat right, lots of accountability. Results. The middle has been terrible. Back surgery. Neck surgery. Less accountability. The newness wore off. The excitement waned.

It's in the middle when we give up. When most of us move on to something else and put away the thing we struggle so badly to overcome. Instead of peeling the onion, we throw it away because it's too much. It has become too raw, too emotional, too hard.

I now realize why I am allergic to inauthenticy in myself and others. Why I hate it when I see it, and can't stand it when I do it myself. But I also realize why it's so damn hard. Being authenticly me is HARD. It is the peeling of the onion. It is the ripping of a band-aid. It is the breaking down of protective barriers we spent our whole life building.

So even though this blog has a lot of entries about weight loss, I want it to be much more. I want it to be deeper than that. I want to continue to peel the onion and work through what's beneath. It has been full of pain, joy, pauses, progress, and all points in between. But as Henry Cloud says, "Change happens when the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of doing something different."

Peel that onion, world.

Why being open hearted is the best thing and the worst thing all at once.

I had two friend dates last week with amazing ladies that I love. On my first friend date, we were catching up and she said "I loved your blog about blogs being stupid" to which I replied "Yes, but I realized that by calling blogs stupid and experts irrelevant, I have now set myself up for being an expert about experts and that makes me irrelevant."

On my second friend date, my friend asked me how I was doing. I told her I was doing great to which she replied "Oh, come on, I read your blog."

Ouch.

This is why being open hearted is the best thing and the worst thing all at once.

I used to wonder why people have limited relationships. Why people guard their hearts so tightly and don't let others in. Why small talk prevails at parties, why we are more honest over text than in person, why authenticity is so hard to find.

I don't wonder that anymore.

Keeping an openhearted account of my life and struggles with weight and acceptance has opened me up like that guy in Operation. I put everything out there in the hopes that it would help other people. And it has. But at the same time, I put everything out there. And when everything is out there on display, things get scary. Things get emotional. Things get harder than ever.

I feel like I am walking through fire instead of around it. And when we choose to face demons head on like that, it does get scary. So there are nights when all I want to do is hibernate at home with Netflix. There are days where it's hard for me to reach out to anyone because I feel like I am in survival mode.

I am working on perspective. And fighting the urge to be less open hearted. Just like that guy in Operation, my insides are on the outside right now, There is notable pain in living an authentic life, and that's why I understand the need to keep people at a distance now. I understand the need for small talk and texting and guarded hearts. For most of us, it is just too damn painful to be the guy in Operation.

And this is why being open hearted is the best thing and the worst thing all at once. And it's been a lesson to me to be more careful with people, because I have a feeling I am not the only one that is operating this way.

Operating. Get it?

Why blogs are stupid.

There was a time in my life where I thought I knew everything and I was really wise and sharing new ideas with the world that would revolutionize everything.

I looked at Facebook today and post after post after post was like an accident I couldn't turn away from. Advice about parenting. Advice for 20-somethings. Advice for how to get rich quick. Advice for how to be a better Christian. Advice on how I should feel. Advice on how I shouldn't feel. Advice for how to change the world. Advice for how to lose weight easily (which never works because if it did, we would all be thin).

Advice. Advice. More advice.

This is why blogs are stupid. And why I never wanted to have one. I don't know everything and I'm not wise and I don't have any new ideas.

We live in a really dangerous time where people grab on to an idea and worship it. Most of the time, it's our emotional connection to the idea that does this to us. And when we find this idea on social media, we are desperate for connection, so we latch on to something without really thinking about it or questioning it or asking the people we trust and that know us what they might think about it.

For example: I am 38 and single, I don't really have a demographic. But on Facebook, all my friends and peers are posting about weddings and kids and family events. But if I measure my life against theirs, I will always fall short. But we measure how we are doing all the time against all this advice on Facebook. And we always fall short. 

Probably because no one ever posts their struggles on Facebook. We post the best versions of ourselves. We don't upload photo albums highlighting the dark moments of the soul.

Comparison...in a word...sucks. The only way I know to not make my blog stupid is to make it honest. And honestly? This has been one of the darkest years of my life personally. Two back surgeries in one year has derailed the one thing I've been focused on, and losing progress in my health pursuits has been nothing short of heartbreaking. It caused a domino effect of loneliness in me that I am still trying to get a hold of.

Honestly? I am tired of people giving advice. And I am tired of pretending I have advice to give. What I need more of is the "yeah, me too" spirit that the world lacks. The admittance that we are all unsure and that we just don't know. That we are doing the best we can. That we are in it together and don't have the answers.

If this stupid blog helps you be open, it worked. If all it does is make me look like I have some wisdom that no one else does, it failed.

I am learning how to reach out and trust people again. And it's not easy. But it's how I begin to be healthy again. Every day is a choice.

As my dad used to tell me, "Make good decisions." So today, I will. And today is about all I can handle!

Don't censor your heart.

I do believe there are obvious times in life when you have a conversation with someone and you immediately realize that it's important. And, if we could all get on the same page with an idea, revolutionary.

I just got home from a quick trip to visit my family in Pennsylvania and had a conversation with a friend of mine about relationships. And it got deep really fast once we came to the conclusion that every single person on this earth has to make a choice about whether or not we are going to censor our hearts.

You know when you get to that point in any friendship or relationship where it gets risky? Where you realize you have let a person in past the point of comfort and arms length and safety? Where they know your inner workings so much that it's either going to be the greatest thing ever or the worst thing ever?

That's the point where 99% of us censor our hearts. Some of us do it seasonally, some of us do it always. But all of us do it sometimes.

I certainly don't think we should become an open wound and a bleeding heart to every person that we meet. But I do think that we spend our whole lives looking for that person that will love us the way we love them, and care for us the way we care for them. The problem, however, is that while we are looking for those few people, we get a lot of bruises and broken bones in the process.

Break-ups happen in friendships as much as they do in relationships. And they can be just as painful. But what my friend and I talked about is, we all have the choice, when that happens, to either censor our hearts and live in a bubble, or get back out there again and risk injury at the chance of finding the people that will care for us as much as we care for them.

It was an important conversation for me because it reminded me of two things: that I am not alone, and that I am not crazy. And it also reminded me to not censor my heart. To not fall into that trap of being a people pleaser and be someone I'm not to win the approval of anyone.

Oh and just a reminder: you are really great. Especially the uncensored version of you.

(bonus cool points if you can name the 90's singer that sings about the subject of this blog in her epic debut album.)

-Liz

Also: listen to this song. It might be the soundtrack of your life, too.

Working the burn pile at my parents' house.

Burning s**t down.

Hopes and dreams in paper lanterns.

Peeling away the layers.

From another friend of mine that I've asked to share. Check out her amazing story:

I’m sad to say that I have never known what it has felt like to be of “normal” weight. My weight has always been the topic of discussion in doctor appointments, family conversations, and peer ridicule. Each and every comment has left a scar on my heart and soul. Ironically, the more I heard (overheard) the painful words the more I reached for food. I ate to become invisible. Underneath the visible obese situation was a secret world of abuse. 

After years of believing the lie, I won’t amount to anything, I began to call out to God for help. Every night was filled with deep pain, dark fear, and relentless pleas to God for help. I was utterly disgusted with myself and so was the “world”. I finally took the plunge and unleashed my abuse secret to trusted adults in my life. With the guidance of youth group ministers, close mentors, and former teachers I began to peel away each layer of the “onion” that trapped my heart and soul.

It has been the most trying, scary, and excruciating process to let the layers peel off. I have felt so exposed to the world after years of trying to hide. In the beginning of the process I would lose five pounds here or two pounds there, but they always returned when I was not looking. I felt defeated over and over. I cried out, “What’s wrong with me?” to anyone who would listen. I found myself still obsessed with food and being counterproductive. I wanted to be free from the struggle and not develop a new food struggle. I hated the trap. I longed for a battle with something we did not need to survive. 

Then in 2011 my beloved Grandmother was faced with a terminal illness that brought me to her bedside until her final breath. I held on to everything she said, every smile she gave, and every breath she took. Something inside me was awoken and could no longer sit still. I promised my Grandmother that I would take care of myself in a letter I placed in her coffin. I left her grave unaware how I would keep my promise, but I knew God had a plan.

The Lord’s plan for my promise to my Grandmother started to unfold as I felt the urge to learn how to run a race. The idea of completing a running race was so totally crazy that I knew it had to have my Grandmother’s blessing. So, September 2011 I joined a walk to run class in my local community. The coach was so supportive and encouraging despite my “I can’t do that” attitude each night. Low and behold I was on my way to my first 5K on Thanksgiving. I set three goals for myself: 1. Don’t be last. 2. Finish in under 45 minutes and 3. Don’t give up. Praise be to God all three were accomplished. Go figure it was the 10th anniversary of the 5k and therefore a finisher’s medal was placed around my neck. It felt like I just completed my OLYMPIC moment! It was so thrilling. Another layer of fear was peeled off that day.

I took the 5k momentum and kept running the race with weight. Little by little the pounds were dropping and staying off. People starting making “skinny” comments everyday. I found it hard to believe them. One would think it would be easy to feel “skinny”, but I felt EXACTLY the same as I did at my heaviest. Not even buying new clothes at a smaller size changed my brain’s perception on me. All the attention made me run for the dark hole to hide again. After reaching a loss of nearly 80 pounds I gave up again. I did not know how to handle being “normal”.

 Then came my first year of running anniversary as I did the Thanksgiving race again. Then again I was motivated to fight the fight. I made a new goal of completing a 10k. In November 2013 I conquered the 10k goal with a friend who decided to join me. Now I am working with my big sister to finish a half marathon in May 2015. Each day is battle not for the faint of heart. The lies I grew up with as “truth” are constantly swirling around in my head. The feeling of “this will never be finished” can be so depressing. But the unfailing grace and love of Christ with beloved friends walking along side me I can continue to peel layers off. The process is slow with many bumps along they way, but I wholeheartedly encourage to take that first step each morning. I also ask that if you see someone with a weight struggle to be kind and gentle because you never know the pain underneath the weight that devastates them to their core.

Today I am back on track to reach the 100’s again, a sight I have not seen since about the 7th grade. I am trying to preserve over the injuries that I’m faced with as I strive to obtain my half marathon goal in 7 months. I have no idea how many layers I have peeled back, but each one holds a part of me that I have to embrace, accept, love, and then let go. If you are on your own journey I highly commend you for your strength, bravery, and dedication. I believe in YOU!

Would you be willing to share your story? Email me! The more we open up to each other, we can rest assured that we are all in it together.

Permission to be yourself

I am reading this book with work called "The Gift of Imperfection" by Brene Brown. First of all, this book changed my life when I first read it back in January. So much so, that I am reading it with my co-workers. If you need another reason to believe me, check this out:

"When we can let go of what other people think and own our story, we gain access to our worthiness."

Is this what authenticity is really about? Christians are the worst offenders of all. See when I became a Christian, it was all about responding to Jesus' love for me. But the longer I am a Christian, the more I see my Christian friends trying to be someone that they just...aren't.

Oh but, me too. I am guilty of trying to sound more Christian, talk more Christian, read and write more Christian, look more Christian, just be more...acceptable to Christians.

But isn't that stupid since...Jesus Christ accepts me as I am? It's us Christians that don't accept us as we are.

In other words, how can I gain access to my real worth when I am trying to live someone else's story?

So if you're a Christian and you're reading this, help me to change this epidemic. And if you're a Christian girl reading this, let me give you permission to be yourself. It's ok to be yourself and love Jesus at the same time. In fact, Jesus loves those parts of you that make you different. God made them, after all. Break that "Christian girl mold" that you may have been sold where you have trade in your sass, your fun, your sarcasm, your weirdness for some pale version of yourself.

I don't know, I just have this dream where everyone of us can be ok with who we are and love that about each other. I think accountability is unbelievably important, but that somewhere along the way, we have gotten accountability confused with judgment. Here's the difference: accountability says "I love you and I am with you while we work through this together." Judgment says "I don't like this about you so I am going to label you and walk away."

Can we let go of what other people think about us? If we do, we can finally rest in our own self-worth and stop living as lame versions of ourselves. Trust me. When you aren't being yourself, it is really lame. The world needs you. Just as you are.

"Don't let what you want now get in the way of what you want most."

Yesterday I was listening to a Steven Furtick sermon while on the bike and I heard him say "Don't let what you want now get in the way of what you want most." You can find it here under Part 2.

This idea has been spinning in my brain since. Not just in terms of health and wellness, but in terms of friendship. Loneliness. Success. Finance. Love. Anger. Pride. And every emotion that can pass in and out of us at the drop of a hat.

Have you ever acted out of anger and then been immediately embarrassed about it? Have you ever not gotten what you thought you deserved and internalized it way too much, letting it cut you too deep? Have you ever been rejected by a friend and let that mess with your identity and confidence?

The answer is yes. Way too many times.

Too often I am driven by what I want now instead of what I want most. What I want now tends to prevent me from what I want most. I am often bamboozled by my past. Mistakes I have made. Regrets. Fear. It has become a daily battle for me to not believe that my past mistakes can affect my future.

If I give into what I want now, I let loneliness make my decisions. And those are never good decisions. If I give into what I want most, I am learning love, acceptance, patience, discipline, and that I deserve a lot more than I think I do.

We all deserve more than these impulse, reactionary decisions. Don't let what you want now get in the way of what you want most.