"If you don't like what they're saying about you...

Mad Men premieres TONIGHT!
(See what I did there? Talk about a
timely blog post.)

....then change the conversation."

Don Draper is so tragic. But so wise.

I have noticed lately how we can live our entire lives fulfilling what people say about us. I have noticed how for some, this is a blessing. For some, this is a curse.

Who in your life do you listen to? Who do you lend your ear to and who gets to speak into your life?

I am a recovering people pleaser. I say recovering, because I have realized how so many of my friendships in the past have been about the other person and not about me. I pinpointed this one night when I was explaining my lack of desire to open up to others to a group of friends.

"I just don't want to offer up information about myself that much." Yes, I said it in that wording. To which my friend said "Maybe because you consider sharing something you have to offer up, like it's painful to let go of it. When the reality is, people just want to know you."

Hmm. I have been unpacking that statement for years since. Wait a minute, people want to know me? Like, the real me? The me that I am when no one is looking? The me that I am when my guard is down? The me that I am when I am exhausted and emotional and just need to vent?

Yes, world, that is true. There are people that want to know YOU. The problem is, you are too busy being someone you're not because you think that's what people want. This fake, got-it-all-together, perfectly manicured, exhausting person that you project.

I know that, because that's what I think too. I don't know about you, but I'm getting tired of pretending like I have it all together. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, all of it. That mask is getting very, very heavy.

I propose that we change the conversation. Maybe drop the small talk once and a while and say deadly statements like "You know what? I'm really struggling" or "I can't lie to you, I don't have it all together" or even "I need your help."

Does that scare you as much as it scares me? Good...so when we start doing that to each other, we will both be gentle knowing that we have to do it, but we're afraid of it. And we can be afraid together.

-Liz

Angels and Demons

I have come to realize something in my weight loss process (or, my weight gain process depending on the week):

There are two voices always battling for my ears.

One tells me over and over again: "You can't change. You should quit. This is your lot in life. You were meant to be this way. Give up."

The other one tells me over and over again: "You are new. Today is a new day. I don't even remember what happened yesterday because we are looking ahead. You got this."

Now it is clear to me who those two voices belong to. They go by many names in this world. The most epic of movies and television shows are based around the battle between them, but here we all are, stuck in the middle and wondering who we should listen to.

When I put it plainly, the choice is clear. Duh. What idiot would listen to someone that says you should give up and that you're stuck? I can answer that. See, when that voice is tied directly to my emotions, my emotions win every time.

At least, that's how it used to be.

If you are anywhere near as emotional as I am, let me give you a painful piece of advice: your emotions are not the truth. They will betray you, and they will get the best of you.

But there is good news. I have a pretty great way to fix this. Ready for it?

Let someone into your emotional life. Let someone into those deep, dark, scary lies that you know are lies, yet you still find yourself believing as truth.

That directive has been a battle for me. I have let some people in that have helped me heal, and I have let some people in that have cut me even deeper. But like most things in life, we have to experience bad to have the good.

So be open to experience. I am fighting for myself in this regard right now. I am fighting the desire to wall myself up with alone time, but I know that's not what God wants for me. You and I were not meant to go it alone. So even if you shoot me an anonymous message and need an ear, I have two of them.

One is already reserved for you.

-Liz

God's super secret will for your life.

Well, it has been a whirlwind life for me here in little Cary, North Carolina. A lot of changes, a lot of excitement, a lot of anticipation and hope.

I have a move and a job change coming up. Still in North Carolina, still with the Y. What has amazed me over the last two months is how God showed me time and time again that he has a great plan in place for me. What he has also showed me is how the volume of my anxiety and emotions get in the way of my ability to hear his whispers.

Every morning I get up, make coffee and something green in my vitamix. I sit down at my breakfast table and spend time being still. Usually this involves writing out my laundry list of fears and emotions and needs to God. Or asking him for the hundredth time "God, what is your will for my life?"

God has shown me...that is not the right question to ask.

See, the more I learn about God, the more I realize that his will for my life is simple. Too simple, in fact, for me to accept. It would be easy if he just said "well, take this job for this long and live there for that long and then spend money on that thing and spend time with that person and then you'll know my will for your life."

The secret will of God for my life is the same as his secret will for your life: love him. Love people.

It's all over the bible. Jesus says it a lot, in a lot of different ways. But I am selfish, and the world revolves around me, so I think that I need to know everything about everything and therefore God must have a very specific plan for me, but only a plan that I can get on board with and that won't rock my boat too much.

The problem with that? I am trying to fit God into my plan. Not myself into his. And last time I checked, the math doesn't work out on that.

So every morning I am slowly starting to see myself listening less to my emotions and fears and more to my Dad. This guy that knows me better than I know myself and that I don't understand at all and can't comprehend. I don't understand that kind of love. But I am trying to accept it, and accept knowing that there are things I will never know.

Super secret things that one day I will get to ask him about.

-Liz

(p.s. - download Joyce Meyer's podcast. It is good, good, good.)

Power of the Pause

Stop.

Hammertime.

Last week, I helped out my crazy friend Hannah who is the pied piper of high schoolers at our YMCA. We did a progressive all-nighter. From 9pm-7am (yes, you read that right) we entertained 75 high schoolers with food competitions, hamster ball races, ice skating, bowling, and snacks on snacks on snacks.

And Bojangles. Oh, and pizza. And Little Debbie was there.

It was temptation island. In the worst way.

The combination of being 37, staying up all night, and staring down the barrel of snack city was a lot for me. I thought I would feel sad, left out, a sense of unfairness that I can't eat like everyone else does. But this shift has taken place where I think...ok, if I eat more of this, I will feel physically crappy in about ten minutes. And for us emotional eaters, this is a big deal.

It's the power of the pause.

Here's another example: at night, I want to eat everything in sight. I want to sit down on my blue couch, catch up on my DVR, and bring over snacks on snacks. Until I am numb. But not until recently have I paused to ask myself: what will I feel AFTER the numb feeling of being overstuffed?

Yes, their shirts say "Snack Boyz."
Yes, they drove around a red van
filled with snacks. Yes, that is
my dream AND my nightmare.

The feeling of slight hunger is now more appealing to me than the feeling of being overstuffed. But wait, don't get me wrong. I have a lot of missteps. But the difference is that I am able to find my way again much quicker than before. One misstep doesn't turn into a lost day or a lost weekend. Progress.

Yes, I ate a slice of pizza at our all-nighter. Yes, I had a biscuit at Bojangles. But it wasn't three pieces of pizza. And it wasn't three boberry biscuits. And for someone who stuffs down her emotions with food, it was a victorious up-all-night.

-Liz

Food competitions with Ref Hannah.

You would think this gluttony would curb my desire
for donuts. Nope. Donuts make me GO nuts. Still.

If the pants don't fit, you musta quit!

Sad that most people won't laugh at that OJ reference...because you weren't born yet. But a few of you might have laughed a lot, so...worth it.

My "skinny" pants don't fit anymore. But take heart everyone! Life goes on whether you lose weight or gain weight, and that has been a nice lesson I am learning.

I am obsessive about my weight. I am obsessive about what I eat. I am obsessive about food, and my relationship with it proves that to be true. Since my back surgery, I have been waking up every morning and spending time with God. Writing stuff down to Him. Asking Him questions. Thanking Him for stuff. Reading stuff about Him. Here's how I know I idolize food:

1. I look to food for comfort.
2. I need food to feel happy.
3. I plan my day around food.
4. I think about food. A lot.
5. I judge experiences based around food.
6. I look to food as the one thing that will always be there for me no matter what.
7. I rely on food.
8. I judge the health of my life based on the health of my relationship with food.

Now before you go thinking "this lady is crazy and unstable" - let's try this list again. This time, fill in the blank yourself:

1. I look to ______ for comfort.
2. I need ______ to feel happy.
3. I plan my day around ______.
4. I think about ______. A lot.
5. I judge experiences based around ______.
6. I look to ______ as the one thing that will always be there for me no matter what.
7. I rely on ______.
8. I judge the health of my life based on the health of my relationship with ______.

What's in that blank? Is it a job? A friend? A relationship? It's something. And whatever it is for each one of us, won't fill in the blank like it's supposed to. It won't fill that void like only God can. But this is one of those things that is easier said than done for me.

So the good news here...I'm working on it. Every day. I'm working on it. I have GREAT days where I kill it with the workouts and the right food and then I have days where I want to eat everything in sight. But pausing to think about why I want to eat is always helpful. I am learning so much from self-control it's unreal.

And since it's always fun to see what's been happening...here are some photos of the last week around here. It has been crazy. (Snowpacolypse, anyone?

Breaking it down at a YMCA event. Duh.

Stuck in the snow terror on Wednesday.

One good thing about extreme weather is that
it really brings people together. We are
in the back of a random neighbor's truck.

If you can't find a boyfriend, you can always
make one out of snow. He was destroyed
by neighbor kids an hour after this photo
was taken. Rude.

Cameron, me, and our "special" friend Derek.

The Profile of an Emotional Eater

This is a great, short, and did I mention GREAT article if you use food for emotional reasons like I do:



The Profile of an Emotional Eater | Shrink Yourself

You're so...out there.

Thank you?

Wait, it doesn't mean what you think it means.

One of my friends from work said that to me a few weeks ago. And when she said it, it was in reference to my blog. It took me a second to understand what she meant. And my face displayed my confusion. She explained.

"I could never say what you say. You are so open and out there."

Oh, I get it. Now, that is a compliment. But also a painful reminder. She was right. I am SO out there. Sometimes I'm so out here that I can get hurt. The elements get to me easier. I am more accessible to hurt. Not many people are willing to be out here with me. When I succeed, it's great! But when I fail, it is awful. The lowest of lows. Because I wonder, am I letting people down?

This week I really dug deep with eating and working out. I ate GREAT every single day. And it has truly been a battle. Of epic proportions. It is hard to not believe the lies that stop us from success. You know them as well as I do: You can't do this. It's too hard. Might as well give up. It's not fair that you have to deal with this and others don't. No one else is dealing with this. You're all alone. I have adopted something they share in Alcoholics Anonymous to combat my emotional eating: HALT.

• Hungry
• Angry
• Lonely
• Tired

If any of those emotions are allowed to take up too much real estate in your brain, you are more susceptible to backsliding and making a bad decision. Some of you might think like me: I feel one or all of those emotions to some extent ALL the time!

I am learning how to pause before I go for the food I think I want. It's no longer "What do I want to eat?" It has become "WHY do I want to eat?"

There is an emotional eating blog that has REALLY, REALLY helped me here. And in the meantime, I would love some company out there. Because being so out there can be really, really, lonely.

-Liz