Angels and Demons

I have come to realize something in my weight loss process (or, my weight gain process depending on the week):

There are two voices always battling for my ears.

One tells me over and over again: "You can't change. You should quit. This is your lot in life. You were meant to be this way. Give up."

The other one tells me over and over again: "You are new. Today is a new day. I don't even remember what happened yesterday because we are looking ahead. You got this."

Now it is clear to me who those two voices belong to. They go by many names in this world. The most epic of movies and television shows are based around the battle between them, but here we all are, stuck in the middle and wondering who we should listen to.

When I put it plainly, the choice is clear. Duh. What idiot would listen to someone that says you should give up and that you're stuck? I can answer that. See, when that voice is tied directly to my emotions, my emotions win every time.

At least, that's how it used to be.

If you are anywhere near as emotional as I am, let me give you a painful piece of advice: your emotions are not the truth. They will betray you, and they will get the best of you.

But there is good news. I have a pretty great way to fix this. Ready for it?

Let someone into your emotional life. Let someone into those deep, dark, scary lies that you know are lies, yet you still find yourself believing as truth.

That directive has been a battle for me. I have let some people in that have helped me heal, and I have let some people in that have cut me even deeper. But like most things in life, we have to experience bad to have the good.

So be open to experience. I am fighting for myself in this regard right now. I am fighting the desire to wall myself up with alone time, but I know that's not what God wants for me. You and I were not meant to go it alone. So even if you shoot me an anonymous message and need an ear, I have two of them.

One is already reserved for you.

-Liz

God's super secret will for your life.

Well, it has been a whirlwind life for me here in little Cary, North Carolina. A lot of changes, a lot of excitement, a lot of anticipation and hope.

I have a move and a job change coming up. Still in North Carolina, still with the Y. What has amazed me over the last two months is how God showed me time and time again that he has a great plan in place for me. What he has also showed me is how the volume of my anxiety and emotions get in the way of my ability to hear his whispers.

Every morning I get up, make coffee and something green in my vitamix. I sit down at my breakfast table and spend time being still. Usually this involves writing out my laundry list of fears and emotions and needs to God. Or asking him for the hundredth time "God, what is your will for my life?"

God has shown me...that is not the right question to ask.

See, the more I learn about God, the more I realize that his will for my life is simple. Too simple, in fact, for me to accept. It would be easy if he just said "well, take this job for this long and live there for that long and then spend money on that thing and spend time with that person and then you'll know my will for your life."

The secret will of God for my life is the same as his secret will for your life: love him. Love people.

It's all over the bible. Jesus says it a lot, in a lot of different ways. But I am selfish, and the world revolves around me, so I think that I need to know everything about everything and therefore God must have a very specific plan for me, but only a plan that I can get on board with and that won't rock my boat too much.

The problem with that? I am trying to fit God into my plan. Not myself into his. And last time I checked, the math doesn't work out on that.

So every morning I am slowly starting to see myself listening less to my emotions and fears and more to my Dad. This guy that knows me better than I know myself and that I don't understand at all and can't comprehend. I don't understand that kind of love. But I am trying to accept it, and accept knowing that there are things I will never know.

Super secret things that one day I will get to ask him about.

-Liz

(p.s. - download Joyce Meyer's podcast. It is good, good, good.)

Power of the Pause

Stop.

Hammertime.

Last week, I helped out my crazy friend Hannah who is the pied piper of high schoolers at our YMCA. We did a progressive all-nighter. From 9pm-7am (yes, you read that right) we entertained 75 high schoolers with food competitions, hamster ball races, ice skating, bowling, and snacks on snacks on snacks.

And Bojangles. Oh, and pizza. And Little Debbie was there.

It was temptation island. In the worst way.

The combination of being 37, staying up all night, and staring down the barrel of snack city was a lot for me. I thought I would feel sad, left out, a sense of unfairness that I can't eat like everyone else does. But this shift has taken place where I think...ok, if I eat more of this, I will feel physically crappy in about ten minutes. And for us emotional eaters, this is a big deal.

It's the power of the pause.

Here's another example: at night, I want to eat everything in sight. I want to sit down on my blue couch, catch up on my DVR, and bring over snacks on snacks. Until I am numb. But not until recently have I paused to ask myself: what will I feel AFTER the numb feeling of being overstuffed?

Yes, their shirts say "Snack Boyz."
Yes, they drove around a red van
filled with snacks. Yes, that is
my dream AND my nightmare.

The feeling of slight hunger is now more appealing to me than the feeling of being overstuffed. But wait, don't get me wrong. I have a lot of missteps. But the difference is that I am able to find my way again much quicker than before. One misstep doesn't turn into a lost day or a lost weekend. Progress.

Yes, I ate a slice of pizza at our all-nighter. Yes, I had a biscuit at Bojangles. But it wasn't three pieces of pizza. And it wasn't three boberry biscuits. And for someone who stuffs down her emotions with food, it was a victorious up-all-night.

-Liz

Food competitions with Ref Hannah.

You would think this gluttony would curb my desire
for donuts. Nope. Donuts make me GO nuts. Still.

If the pants don't fit, you musta quit!

Sad that most people won't laugh at that OJ reference...because you weren't born yet. But a few of you might have laughed a lot, so...worth it.

My "skinny" pants don't fit anymore. But take heart everyone! Life goes on whether you lose weight or gain weight, and that has been a nice lesson I am learning.

I am obsessive about my weight. I am obsessive about what I eat. I am obsessive about food, and my relationship with it proves that to be true. Since my back surgery, I have been waking up every morning and spending time with God. Writing stuff down to Him. Asking Him questions. Thanking Him for stuff. Reading stuff about Him. Here's how I know I idolize food:

1. I look to food for comfort.
2. I need food to feel happy.
3. I plan my day around food.
4. I think about food. A lot.
5. I judge experiences based around food.
6. I look to food as the one thing that will always be there for me no matter what.
7. I rely on food.
8. I judge the health of my life based on the health of my relationship with food.

Now before you go thinking "this lady is crazy and unstable" - let's try this list again. This time, fill in the blank yourself:

1. I look to ______ for comfort.
2. I need ______ to feel happy.
3. I plan my day around ______.
4. I think about ______. A lot.
5. I judge experiences based around ______.
6. I look to ______ as the one thing that will always be there for me no matter what.
7. I rely on ______.
8. I judge the health of my life based on the health of my relationship with ______.

What's in that blank? Is it a job? A friend? A relationship? It's something. And whatever it is for each one of us, won't fill in the blank like it's supposed to. It won't fill that void like only God can. But this is one of those things that is easier said than done for me.

So the good news here...I'm working on it. Every day. I'm working on it. I have GREAT days where I kill it with the workouts and the right food and then I have days where I want to eat everything in sight. But pausing to think about why I want to eat is always helpful. I am learning so much from self-control it's unreal.

And since it's always fun to see what's been happening...here are some photos of the last week around here. It has been crazy. (Snowpacolypse, anyone?

Breaking it down at a YMCA event. Duh.

Stuck in the snow terror on Wednesday.

One good thing about extreme weather is that
it really brings people together. We are
in the back of a random neighbor's truck.

If you can't find a boyfriend, you can always
make one out of snow. He was destroyed
by neighbor kids an hour after this photo
was taken. Rude.

Cameron, me, and our "special" friend Derek.

The Profile of an Emotional Eater

This is a great, short, and did I mention GREAT article if you use food for emotional reasons like I do:



The Profile of an Emotional Eater | Shrink Yourself

You're so...out there.

Thank you?

Wait, it doesn't mean what you think it means.

One of my friends from work said that to me a few weeks ago. And when she said it, it was in reference to my blog. It took me a second to understand what she meant. And my face displayed my confusion. She explained.

"I could never say what you say. You are so open and out there."

Oh, I get it. Now, that is a compliment. But also a painful reminder. She was right. I am SO out there. Sometimes I'm so out here that I can get hurt. The elements get to me easier. I am more accessible to hurt. Not many people are willing to be out here with me. When I succeed, it's great! But when I fail, it is awful. The lowest of lows. Because I wonder, am I letting people down?

This week I really dug deep with eating and working out. I ate GREAT every single day. And it has truly been a battle. Of epic proportions. It is hard to not believe the lies that stop us from success. You know them as well as I do: You can't do this. It's too hard. Might as well give up. It's not fair that you have to deal with this and others don't. No one else is dealing with this. You're all alone. I have adopted something they share in Alcoholics Anonymous to combat my emotional eating: HALT.

• Hungry
• Angry
• Lonely
• Tired

If any of those emotions are allowed to take up too much real estate in your brain, you are more susceptible to backsliding and making a bad decision. Some of you might think like me: I feel one or all of those emotions to some extent ALL the time!

I am learning how to pause before I go for the food I think I want. It's no longer "What do I want to eat?" It has become "WHY do I want to eat?"

There is an emotional eating blog that has REALLY, REALLY helped me here. And in the meantime, I would love some company out there. Because being so out there can be really, really, lonely.

-Liz

It doesn't matter how you start. It matters how you finish.

But we all need to start somewhere. And some of us need to restart. And some of us need to restart the restart.

So a few weeks ago, I asked for some feedback on weight loss tips. What has helped you start or restart or restart the restart? I got GREAT feedback. So if you need some inspiration, take a looksee:

From Kevin who has lost a LOT of pounds this past year: quote I heard...you don't win bc of the plays you make but bc of the mistakes you avoid making. Generic advice but I like it!

From Leslie who just ran the NYC marathon (I like this because it is realistic. We can't avoid all foods that are bad for us, and for most of us, food simply just isn't "fuel" but the spice of life): Hey here is some weight loss advice we have followed and it works. If you are going to get fast food, no drive thru. You have to walk in to get it. And eat it there. Most of the time you can just get home and eat some thing WAY better for you. Even if you eat a side of chips, it will be better in the long run than piles of fries and burgers.

And this one, from Robyn. Who explains her quiet weight loss journey: Hey Liz! I saw your post and thought I'd send a message. I keep on the DL, especially about my weight but since the birth of my last child I've lost 110 pounds. I don't tell anyone - I mean, my husband knows - but I have never said the number out loud to anyone else. It took me about a year and half to lose it all, and its been a year and I have been able to keep it off. Here's how. The diet came first - I knew I wanted to lose weight so I started weight watchers. And I did lose! I think around 30-35 pounds. Then I watched Food, Inc - and realized I was eating a bunch of crap, even on WW. Then I read Fast Food Nation and just got scared straight. So - ANYWAY - I changed my diet to a whole foods diet. Generally - if it comes in a bag or a box - I don't eat it. If there are a bunch of preservatives in it - I don't eat it. I heard somewhere "If your great grandmother doesn't know what it is then don't eat it." Throughout the whole time I cut out white sugar and white flour. They were immediate goners. My breakfast that I eat everyday and LOVE is egg whites scrambled with shredded cheddar cheese with Ener-G Light Tapioca Bread, which I toast and eat with butter. Lunch depends - but most of the time it some kind of lettuce wrap and a greek yogurt. And then dinner is a protein, a complex carb and a vegetable. Berries with whipped cream for dessert. Snacks involve hummus and carrots or wasa crackers. and I like hot tea throughout the day. 

But it all wasn't just diet. When the baby was born I walked on our treadmill with him in a front pack. Then I started to jog a little (without the front pack, of course) and then SOMEONE (hint, hint - it was you) decided to motivate me into running when you ran 10 miles. It took me awhile to reach that goal, but thanks to your motivation - I did it! And I still run - I enjoy signing up for races (I try for one a month) and just being in the community of others that love to do what I do. Knowing that I have a race coming up keeps me motivated to stay on the treadmill running. That is really a big one - signing up for races is a huge workout motivator. And I went to the Dr recently just for a check up and a thumbs up - which I got - and have registered for my first full marathon in May. So I'm excited to reach for that goal! 

So - I hope this helps and thank you for your motivational words that you put out there all the time - they help me so much! I hope and pray your back continues to heal! Take care!

I was on vacation last week and read a book that completely rocked my socks off, and has helped me start the process to get over some crippling relationship heartbreak that I have been dealing with over the past few months. This book has helped me identify some people-pleasing habits I have that have walled me off and broken me down from ever fully being myself, and has given me practical ways to address my desire to try and be someone I'm not.

Did I sell the book enough for you to read it? Brene Brown: The Gifts of Imperfection. I am telling you now, this book will make you laugh, cry, and most importantly, take action.

I have also come to the conclusion that I need to get more committed again. I have been testing the waters with my big toe for too long. I did this weight loss thing once, and I'm going to do it again. Tomorrow is my last follow-up at the back doctor, so I am hoping and praying to be cleared for all activity. Stay tuned...

One last thing: I have some new ideas that are going to require your feedback. Your painful, honest, and open feedback. So get ready for that. We need each other.

-Liz

ADDENDUM: Forgot to add the tips people posted on Facebook when I asked this question:

From Kelly: I found that the app Tap and Track was totally useful. I ended up losing 8 lbs this summer. Of course strength and cardio too...but I didn't cut out beer or even sweets. It just made me eat more consciously.

From Dawn: Love weight watchers. Since joining weight watchers I am so much smarter about my choices and PORTIONS. I clearly had no idea what a real portion was, or how to guestimate weight/size. What I guessed as a 3 ox chicken breast....was really 8 oz when I got it on the scale. The program really helps you plan and prepare yourself for everyday challenges, and for special events like Thanksgiving. Plus I go to actual meetings once a week, and being with others just like me is really great to share successes and struggles with along the journey. Best of luck with whatever you chose, it is a lifestyle change!

From Carolee: Cut out all soda/soft drinks/sugary drinks. Go for water, unsweetened iced tea, etc. even avoid diet soda. That is a fairly easy lifestyle change and will make a huge difference.