Where's my treat?

Man oh man, one of those weeks.

I'm inside my head quite a bit these days. My weight is a topic of a lot of conversations. On some days, this makes me prouder than I can even say. On other days, I am so self-loathing that I don't want to hear any encouragement at all, because I simply think I am not losing weight fast enough. Don't worry, I know that I am my own worst critic. And knowing, as GI Joe taught me, is half the battle.

I've been thinking a lot about food. You too?

Packaged food is so beautiful to me. Processed food looks so shiny and new. Bright colors. Expensive logos. Fancy marketing campaigns. When I run out of bananas and spinach (these two items rule my household) I have to run to the grocery store. I had to make that run today.

Oh, the grocery store. What some women love about the mall, I love about grocery stores. Food is my fashion, my addiction, my shopping heaven. So that's what the grocery store now gives me a whole lot of anxiety. Imagine an alcoholic that has to go to a bar once a week to get what they need. I have to go to this beautiful mecca of candy and donuts and birthday cakes to buy...bananas and spinach.

So lame.

My friend Nat sent me this picture off of Pinterest. I have heard this saying before. I think it's how I got to be so overweight in the first place. Food has always, and I mean ALWAYS, been my reward. I haven't learned how to replace it with something else yet. Contrary to what my trainer tells me, it is not a reward to "go for a nice long walk" instead of eating ice cream at the end of a hard day. It's just not. Don't get me wrong, I am learning to love exercise, and I am learning to hate the feeling of being overstuffed and overprocessed with my food choices, but not to the point of getting past it. I don't know if I'll ever be past it. Alcoholics never STOP being alcoholics. I don't know that my addiction will ever go away. I think I can just work towards controlling it. Not eliminating it.

So here's my grocery store tip. Stay on the perimeter. Don't go down the middle aisles. Those are the aisles filled with the processed poison that we have grown to love. But if you gotta go there, you know - to get soup or condiments or Cherry Coke Zero - do it quick. Don't meander. Because even today. I stopped at the Krispy Kreme display and stared longingly at the 6 pack of jelly donuts.

Food will never just be fuel to me. For whatever reason, this is my struggle. And God is using it to make me stronger. What makes you and I different from dogs? Food is not, and can not, be our reward. We deserve more than a treat for good behavior.

We just do.

-Liz

The camera adds twenty pounds?

Not this time.

Today was a pretty funny day. I am doing this series of meetings with the Town of Cary, and we have different speakers, go to different locations, and get more "cultured." Lord knows I could use it.

But today's meeting was the coolest. It started off with a gauntlet. This part wasn't cool. This part was, yet again, a table filled with my old friends. Donuts, bagels, and muffins. Cut in half, but let's be honest...when was the last time a normal person ate only half a donut? Please.

I survived the gauntlet. So far, so good. Then, lunch at a Cuban restaurant in downtown Durham. I chose the least appetizing of the options: salad and a grilled chicken breast. Everyone else had tasty sandwiches, chips and salsa, black beans and rice covered with cheese. But I got the salad bar. Didn't even get ranch dressing. In fact, the people at the table even commented "oh, the YMCA girl gets a salad!" It was one of those "I'm joking but sort of judging you at the same time because you are probably looking at my deep fried monte cristo sandwich and feeling sorry for me" comments.

Still, it felt good to be the healthy one at the table. Wow, this is new.

The best part of the day, though, is that we toured a local tv station. And we got to act like a 3rd grade class and take our picture in front of the green screen and at the news anchor desk. These days, I am the first in line to take pictures. Put me front and center! I can't believe how I look. Truly. I can't. This has been a process, and I know it will last a lifetime, but this new body and face is...strange. I get excited to have my picture taken, because sometimes I don't think it's me. I lost two of my chins. Now I'm down to one. I see a waistline, I see my eyes, I see...someone else.

Back to you, Angela.

But the great thing that these pictures prove, is that I haven't lost my sense of humor. That will always, ALWAYS, be large and in charge.

Oh, thank God.

-Liz

Dear high school me...

Ok, no reason to hide embarrassing photos on here. I wanted to share a facebook message that one of my friends sent me. She is in high school, I know her through the Y. What a reminder that my struggle is universal. I wish I had her thoughts when I was her age, her boldness when I was in high school, her confidence to step out and make changes in her heart. I wonder where I would be today if I had gotten started when she did...

So enjoy this photo of high school me. But really, enjoy this message from my bold high school friend. (and don't worry, I asked her permission to share this on the blog!)

Hey liz, i just wanted to say that you are such an inspiration to me. nobody knows but i have been struggling with food since freshman year (which doesnt seem a lot but every day seems to go by so slowly). ive tried telling my mom but i don't think she quite understands because she thinks i can control it. these past 4 years have been a complete rollercoaster ride when it came to that area of my life- i'd have good days and just horrible ones. 

Sometimes i feel like once i start i really can't stop myself because i just want more and more and no matter how many times i tell myself that i'll regret it later, i just convince myself to eat more and give into my cravings. I was always embarrassed by it, especially eating in public because i know people take notice..so i'd either eat nothing at all or everything in sight. this addiction did not help with my high school girl self esteem at all and sometimes i'd just want to die because of how much i hated myself for loving food so much. but then i saw you post a link to your blog and i started keeping up with it. it's truly helped me through times i thought i couldn't take any more of it. i have recently began eating a more healthy diet and it's comforting to know i'm not alone when it comes to worrying about food.

so basically, i just want to say thank you. thank you for sharing your story and your journey through your blog, thank you for being such a light to the world because the presence of God shines so brightly in you, and thank you for being amazing. You are truly my inspiration(:

Alone in a crowd.

Check out this email that a friend of mine (her blog is here) just sent me. It was the answer to my question that I sent her: Why did you start losing weight in the first place? She has lost 122 pounds. Yes, you read that right. 

I was looking for inspiration from her. But what I got was a lot deeper. I got communion with a friend I've never met, and a reminder that I am not alone in my food addiction. I am hoping you see where she is coming from, too...

Sorry it took me so long to respond. I have been in a sucky place lately when it comes to eating AND exercise actually. I am not feeling either one but I am not feeling eating bad either. After I eat bad I feel like I did 122 pounds ago....the depressed girl that I once was. I started to lose weight because I was just down in the dumps, my life was a big mess and I had totally lost focus of God and his direction for my life. Lately I have almost been feeling the same way, I feel like I need a weight loss savior. I just read your blog about the cracks and the cinammon rolls also...I feel like you are writing my thoughts for me. Food is controlling me and I let it control me. I hate it, how long am I going to have to suffer this? I only lost .5lb this month and I know I can do better. I am getting closer to the 100s than I ever have before except I am slowly slipping back into my old habits. I was swimming and not doing any other exercise which didn't do much for me. I love swimming though, but I am exhuasted after I swim I don't want to do anything else! I feel like I have had to start over in the gym and I am back to 348lbs. Everytime I work out I feel like I am working out for the first time in my life. I don't enjoy that. I want progress! Right now I am so down about the entire situation and I don't know what to do. I looked at pictures from when I was in the 300s and that motivated me....for a day. Then I was at lunch and wanted ice cream along with everyone else....so I got ice cream. I was already so full how in the world did I pack ice cream in there? I don't know, I have a 5K Saturday that I am NOT ready for but I can NOT find motivation. What am I doing wrong? I guess long story short, I don't have an exact reason why I starting losing weight but I know that I feel so much better since I have. I don't want to be a failure, I don't want to gain this weight back but right now I feel like I am drowning in a huge pool of doubt with food being chained to my ankles! I am sorry this is such a depressing reply! I honestly feel like I am losing grip and it is the worst feeling ever. Maybe I need to give it to God, I don't know if I have fully given it over to him or not. I guess I haven't since I feel like I am all alone in this fight.

I don't have the answers for my friend...except to say that we are together in the wilderness. And you might be with us, too...

-Liz

Cracks in the foundation

I've been having a great few weeks. My eating has been on point, my work outs have been gettin' it, I'm back to losing weight and not going back and forth with the same 5 pounds.

Things are awesome!

Hold on, though. Can I be honest? Yesterday, my foundation got rocked. It was something small, that turned into something big, that eventually worked itself out. Except emotionally, it left me broken up.

Why so emotional? Because I was building my foundation on others, not on God. Let me explain.

My trainer told me that she couldn't train me anymore at the weekly time we always trained together and weighed in. No big deal, right? But this news put me into an emotional tailspin. For a second there, it looked like I was going to lose my weekly training sessions. We figured it out about an hour later. But what has stayed with me is this idea: "I can't do this without my trainer."

And that thought turned into this: "My trainer and those times with her are my foundation" which turned into "If  I lose her, I'm going to gain all my weight back."

So I have been sitting in these emotions for about 24 hours now. Where do these crazy thoughts come from? You see, I know the truth. I know that Jesus is my firm foundation. I know that the reason I am losing weight is to be the best version of me that I can be. I know that this is about pleasing God, and not other people. I know that I am worth it. I know that I can do it. I know that I am not defined by a number on scale.

But then again, I don't know it.

This situation last night has put some cracks in my foundation. Here I am, 18 months and 85 pounds into this, and I still feel like the fat girl that avoids rejection by being funny and loud and crazy. So when I had that momentary rejection last night, from someone that I have needed in this process with me, I went right back into that place in my head. Those lies. I have always, ALWAYS, been the biggest. In my class, in my family, in my group of friends, everywhere. It is harder than I thought to lose that persona, mentality.

How is it possible to know the truth and not believe it? How do I retrain my brain to think like the healthy person I have become?

On Christ, the solid rock, I stand. All other ground is sinking sand. All other ground is sinking sand.

Lord, help me to believe that.

-Liz

Stuck in a moment with food.

I had a meltdown yesterday. Let me tell you about it.

I was at a training for work. When I arrived to the training room, I grabbed a seat. And then I turned around to see the breakfast they provided. Bread, danish, bagels, and every other delicious sweet thing I could dream of. All within my reach.

This is, the perfect storm.

It's not funny at all, really. It was brutal. The craziest part was, for the better part of the morning, as people were talking to our group, all I was hearing was "cinnamon roll, raspberry danish, blueberry crumb cake."

Everyone around me, and I mean EVERYONE, was enjoying my drug of choice. How is this fair? The thing is, food will ALWAYS be an issue for me. And I get it, I get that everyone has their issue. But everyone else's issue isn't also the socially acceptable way to bring people together.

Food is everywhere. My drug of choice is everywhere. And yesterday, I was forced to sit in a small room while it stared at me for four hours. Do that to an alcoholic in a bar and see what happens.

My meltdown came as we were riding a bus to our next location. I was staring out the window, fighting back the tears. "Will food always have this hold on me?" No, I didn't eat anything that morning. But it invaded my thoughts so much that I couldn't pay attention to anything else. I was stuck in a moment that I couldn't get out of. U2. So wise.

Although the moment passed, I am realizing how deep my food issues run. I don't have an answer to this one, I guess I am just hoping that, if you are like me, you won't feel crazy for feeling this way. I feel crazy. I feel out of control sometimes. Those are the days that I have to go meal by meal, because even looking at the whole day is too overwhelming.

I'm fighting it. And the one comfort in all this...I know that God is fighting it with me.

-Liz

A world of firsts.

Last night I helped out with this big event for the Y called Youth and Government. It's 1700 kids from around the state of North Carolina, and they debate bills and do other awesome things to practice changing the world.

A good "before" pic from 2011.

I wanted to post some pictures from the night for a few reasons. Today marks the 6th day in a row that I have eaten REALLY well and worked out REALLY hard. To be totally honest, I have been half-assing it for a while now. A cheat meal here, a lost weekend there. Last Sunday I think I just hit a new low: going to Bojangles and eating all this stuff that is NOT good for me. Just because.

Monday was really hard. It definitely felt like the first day of rehab. It was hard not to snack. I wanted to eat junk food. I was fighting the cravings. Isn't this ridiculous? Food is my drug of choice and I can't forget just how powerful this drug is.

I weighed in with my trainer on Friday and I thought for sure that the scale would show my efforts from the week. It didn't. It really didn't. I think a few months ago if this happened, I would have gone home and eaten crap that wasn't good for me. Self-sabotage. But this week, I realized that I have come too far to do that. The scale is not showing my progress, but my emotions are. This is a victory.

Last night was wild...I had to dress like a fool (as seen in these photos). However, I will say that these camo overalls are amazingly comfortable so I highly recommend picking them up at your local Wal-Mart.

We rode around the Raleigh Convention Center in these mini-trikes for like an hour. It was the funnest thing in the world. (Yes, I know that "funnest" is not a word, back off me.) But the coolest part about it, for me, is that I could do it. That mini-trike wasn't too mini for me. And the pictures from the night, when I saw them, I was surprised. I see my body changing and I see someone new that I have never seen before.

Or I guess, she's been there all along, but now she's come out of hiding.

Awesome.

-Liz

Trike gang.

A harder picture has never been taken.