Private struggles in a public world.

Do you ever think how crazy it is that you see a new person you've never seen before almost every single day? I mean, how many people are really out there that can invade my routine life on a daily basis? That's nuts.

What's also nuts is that every one of us is fighting some private battle that most of us aren't willing to share. It used to feel so crazy to me that people are so afraid of sharing. Nowadays, I understand why.

It's not until you go through significant life change that you understand the fear of vulnerability. It's not until you experience deep shame that you question your ability to be open with the people that love you. For me, that change has been tackling my weight issues. That has always been my most private struggle in the most public of ways.

Unlike other addictions, it's pretty impossible to hide food addiction. You literally wear it on your body. And it can become a physical barrier to insulate and isolate yourself from others. Tackling it over the past few years has left me almost naked in a way. Open to heartbreak like I would never allow before.

That kind of edge-standing is terrifying. But it has also given me compassion for a world that isn't willing to go there. Because lately, I haven't been willing to go there. It hurts. It's a wound. It's a risk. And I have never been a risk taker.

I am reminded to be kind to strangers. And to be kinder to the people I love and that love me. Because all of us are fighting some private battle that most of us aren't willing to share. The question is: who are we willing to let in?

Ben does life.

In 2011 I stumbled upon this video about a guy named Ben. In 2009, he weighed over 300 pounds. By the end of 2010, he had lost 120 pounds. Watch this:

Ben got a book deal. Had a big blogger following with "Ben Does Life." Inspired thousands of people. Found love. Pursued his passion for writing.

But that was in 2011.

Ben now weighs over 350 pounds. More than when he started his journey in the beginning. Most of us wonder "how?" How could this inspirational guy that publicly documented his journey and wrote a book about weight loss gain it all back and then some? In fact, most of us would write it off as a failure, if we're being honest.

But guess what? Ben still has a blog. He is still working on it. He is still doing life.

See weight loss blogs come and go. I can't tell you how many blogs I used to follow of people with successful stories that are now...gone. No posts since last year. Or the year before. Or the blog was taken down because I guess it's just too hard to be public if you fail. Sure, the success is worth sharing, but the failure...

But Ben is doing life. He is doing life because he knows that the failure is worth sharing. Failure doesn't mean falling. Failing means not giving up. And this dude hasn't given up. His blog is gut wrenching for me because I can share his emotions on depression and loneliness. Weight loss and weight gain. It is so awesome to watch the scale numbers go down and the clothes get baggy. It is so devastating to watch the opposite happen. But ultimately, the opposite does happen. For so many people. Then, try doing that while the world is watching!

Just because we fail, it doesn't make us a failure. It's an event, not a person. It's temporary, not permanent. It's a thing, not a condition. The past few months have been great for me. I have a great friend holding me accountable and my eating has been on point and I am getting stronger again after surgery. I am down about 18 pounds since February. This is a wave that I will ride as hard as I can. But when the failure wave comes (and it will), I am going to take a page out of Ben's book and just do life. Keep moving. Keep getting back up.

Failure is an event, not a person.

-Liz

A healthy heart.

I've been reading through Henry Cloud books lately. He is a well known speaker, author, psychologist, general bad ass christian guy that keeps things very real. In this world, that's rare. In christian circles, it seems to be even more rare.

Is it ok for christians to admit to struggle? Yes. Do we practice that? No.

I am about halfway through his book "Safe People" and it's fascinating. He has this way of breaking down relationships that will make you nod your head in relief and be reminded that you are not crazy.  I wanted to share this. Read this list slowly, his list of the "Interpersonal Traits of Unsafe People" as follows:

1. Unsafe people avoid closeness instead of connecting.
2. Unsafe people are only concerned about "I" instead of "we."
3. Unsafe people resist freedom instead of encouraging it.
4. Unsafe people flatter us instead of confronting us.
5. Unsafe people condemn us instead of forgiving us.
6. Unsafe people stay in parent/child roles instead of relating as equals.
7. Unsafe people are unstable over time instead of remaining consistent.
8. Unsafe people are a negative influence on us instead of a positive one.
9. Unsafe people gossip instead of keeping secrets.

While this is not an inclusive list, I think he pretty much sums up the traits that can turn any relationship bad quickly. How many times have you been an unsafe person to someone else? I was SHOCKED to take a personal assessment of how many times I have done any of the above things to someone else. Now that doesn't make us unsafe people, it just means we are prone to treating each other in unsafe ways.

Healthy eating ultimately leads me to a healthy heart. And a healthy heart wants to be healthy in every way. This is a big part of that. It's not enough to work on the outside when the inside needs attention. I am taking stock of the food I eat. The work outs I do. But now, how about the thoughts I have? The way I treat others? The things I share? The things I keep private?

Still waiting for My Fitness Pal to develop an app to include my mind intake and my emotional intake. A healthy heart is a lot more than proper calorie intake.

-Liz

The B word

I was at a work event last night. It was a silent auction for charity. All was going great until I realized the food situation. You guessed it. The B word.

Buffet.

I have never set foot in a Golden Corral. Thankfully. But when I see a buffet, even hear the word buffet, my mind starts to spin. And last night it was definitely filled with questions. What will they have? Is there anything I can eat? How big are the plates? Will people go back more than once? What about dessert, is that a separate line? If there is salad, will they only have ranch as an option?

The B word makes me feel all the feelings.

I had this moment. And it's embarrassing, but I am not too ashamed to admit it. I saw someone's plate who had returned from the buffet and I think I was staring, drooling, and maybe even had a little chin quiver going on. This lady was double fisting a plate of chicken fingers, chicken salad, meatballs, cheesy something or other and another plate of cake on top of pie on top of banana pudding.

And so it was one of those defining moments. Do I throw my goals out the window momentarily to take a plunge into the B word, or do I find a way to let the moment pass and make healthy choices?

I passed the chicken fingers and the meatballs and the cheesy something and luckily found a vegetable tray and shrimp and some chicken salad that wasn't drowned in mayonnaise. And if you don't struggle with food, it's ok that you are shaking your head and judging my overreactions. But if you do struggle with food, you can relate to this situation. An alcoholic at a bar. A drug addict with some old friends. A food addict in a buffet line.

Will it ever get easier to make food decisions in social situations?  My big take away from last night is to just pause. To use my brain and think about my goals. These small decisions make a big difference in my heart and in my waistline. So I have to think if I keep choosing the right way, this too shall pass.

"Know what you're worth."

My friend asked me last week "Are you still doing your blog?" Yes and no, was my response. I told her that I felt like I ran out of things to say. But the truth is, I need to expand the conversation.

A few weeks ago I started driving for Uber. Since the night time is my worst time for eating and staying on track, I thought this would be a good way to make extra money and help me to not eat Sour Patch Kids while watching excessive amounts of Bravo TV.

It's been really crazy. The people are hilarious. I tweet all the funny things they say and do (you should check it out). Occasionally, I have poignant moments with my Uber riders. Like last night.

I was driving two girls in grad school into downtown Raleigh. They were both in "friends with benefits" relationships with two guys that coincidentally, blew them off last night. In typical Uber fashion, they asked me for advice. And I said "The best advice I can give you is to know what you're worth. You have to teach people how to treat you."

Good advice for those two girls, right? Better advice for me.

The past two weeks something shifted in my brain. See, I have always equated relaxation time with food. Hand in hand. At the end of the day, or at the end of the week, food is my reward. If I am going out to dinner with friends, I focus on the dinner not the friends. If I am watching a movie, I focus on the snacks, not the movie. If it's a birthday party, I wonder what kind of cake we are having and not how old the person is turning.

Food is my addiction, so it does enter into every part of my life. For the better part of the year I have been falling in and out of my addiction. Good days and bad days. Tossed about by the wind. Or my day. Or my mood.

So two weeks ago I decided to restart. For the hundredth time. I decided to realize what I'm worth. I am watching food documentaries, and eating clean, and started with a new trainer, and weighing in, and doing all the things that I know brought me success when I started.

When in doubt, start over. I am not going to flirt with disaster anymore. I am focusing on my worth, and knowing that I am worth it. And I will stop and smell the donuts, but not devour them.

-Liz

Peel the onion.

Ultimately, there comes a point in any blog about weight loss where the blogger just...stops.

Something happens where you reach that goal, or you get tired, or you lose that sense of wonder because the process turns into a grind and you run out of things to say on the subject.

This hasn't happened to me. But it is the end of the beginning.

The onion has peeled for me. About ten times over. My weight has never been just about calories. Or pounds. Or pants sizes. It is much deeper and much more difficult. And I have come to realize that it will never be over. Because we never stop growing, never stop struggling, never stop trying to be better.

So we peel the onion.

The beginning was basic. Work out, eat right, lots of accountability. Results. The middle has been terrible. Back surgery. Neck surgery. Less accountability. The newness wore off. The excitement waned.

It's in the middle when we give up. When most of us move on to something else and put away the thing we struggle so badly to overcome. Instead of peeling the onion, we throw it away because it's too much. It has become too raw, too emotional, too hard.

I now realize why I am allergic to inauthenticy in myself and others. Why I hate it when I see it, and can't stand it when I do it myself. But I also realize why it's so damn hard. Being authenticly me is HARD. It is the peeling of the onion. It is the ripping of a band-aid. It is the breaking down of protective barriers we spent our whole life building.

So even though this blog has a lot of entries about weight loss, I want it to be much more. I want it to be deeper than that. I want to continue to peel the onion and work through what's beneath. It has been full of pain, joy, pauses, progress, and all points in between. But as Henry Cloud says, "Change happens when the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of doing something different."

Peel that onion, world.

Why being open hearted is the best thing and the worst thing all at once.

I had two friend dates last week with amazing ladies that I love. On my first friend date, we were catching up and she said "I loved your blog about blogs being stupid" to which I replied "Yes, but I realized that by calling blogs stupid and experts irrelevant, I have now set myself up for being an expert about experts and that makes me irrelevant."

On my second friend date, my friend asked me how I was doing. I told her I was doing great to which she replied "Oh, come on, I read your blog."

Ouch.

This is why being open hearted is the best thing and the worst thing all at once.

I used to wonder why people have limited relationships. Why people guard their hearts so tightly and don't let others in. Why small talk prevails at parties, why we are more honest over text than in person, why authenticity is so hard to find.

I don't wonder that anymore.

Keeping an openhearted account of my life and struggles with weight and acceptance has opened me up like that guy in Operation. I put everything out there in the hopes that it would help other people. And it has. But at the same time, I put everything out there. And when everything is out there on display, things get scary. Things get emotional. Things get harder than ever.

I feel like I am walking through fire instead of around it. And when we choose to face demons head on like that, it does get scary. So there are nights when all I want to do is hibernate at home with Netflix. There are days where it's hard for me to reach out to anyone because I feel like I am in survival mode.

I am working on perspective. And fighting the urge to be less open hearted. Just like that guy in Operation, my insides are on the outside right now, There is notable pain in living an authentic life, and that's why I understand the need to keep people at a distance now. I understand the need for small talk and texting and guarded hearts. For most of us, it is just too damn painful to be the guy in Operation.

And this is why being open hearted is the best thing and the worst thing all at once. And it's been a lesson to me to be more careful with people, because I have a feeling I am not the only one that is operating this way.

Operating. Get it?