What happens after heartbreak?

I have been heartbroken lately. For a lot of reasons. And sort of, in every area of my life. It is a sure sign that God thinks I am stronger than I think I am, because I have experienced loss and debilitating challenge in work, family, health, friendship, on and on. But God knew I could handle it when I didn't.

A sure sign of my heartbreak lately has been watching my food demon resurface. If I trace back the times in my life that I have let food be my comfort, my companion, my escape, my drug...I could write a book. And maybe I still will. But the point is this: it's what we do after heartbreak that matters most.

When there's a bump in the road, I can deal with it pretty well. But when someone takes dynamite and decides to blow the road up and all of the optional detours, well that's when my life scares me. And life has been scary.

And so it was a challenging summer, which is as detailed as I can get in a public blog. But I hope you understand how heavy my heart is as I write that sentence. I did give up on myself for a while there. I know this, because I allowed that demon to comfort me, to be my companion, to give me escape, and to numb my pain.

My new safe place. It's perfect, because
Ben and Jerry can't fit on the bike.

As silly as it sounds, it was the throwing away of that box of food (see my last post) that turned me back around. At the time, it was an impossible request. But I couldn't see the way out. You see, when you do one little thing wrong, the next thing doesn't seem so bad. And then that next thing is a little MORE wrong, but you don't notice it because you're already in it. But before you know it, you're in so deep that you can't imagine turning anything around. It truly seems impossible.

If that's not addiction, I don't know what is.

And so God used my trainer to wake me up. And God has used a few friends to wake me up. And God has allowed some serious pain to all but consume my life over the past few months. But God knows that I am stronger.

I used this in a talk for work once, and I am living it as my reality right now:

There is an ancient Japanese art form called Kinsugi, in which the artist takes beautiful pottery and deliberately breaks it. He then puts the pottery back together again, filling the cracks with gold. The result was that the finished piece of mended pottery became much more valuable than if it was never broken at all.

We are all broken people. And it's what happens after the heartbreak that matters the most. So we have to get back on the horse, or for me, the spin bike. And we have to be able to see the beauty in our broken pieces.

Right?

-Liz

How honest do you want me to get?

I used to follow a blog called "365 days with the 330 pound woman." One random April day, she stopped blogging. Never to be heard from again. Why? Well, I think she gave up.

Another fellow weight loss blogger that I know lost 125 pounds. And then she disappeared, too. But she resurfaced. And she started over, after gaining back about 40 pounds.

I never thought I would be that person to lose a bunch of weight and gain it back. Those statistics were dumb to me. I would NEVER gain weight if I lost it! But I am coming to realize, the only thing worse than never losing weight, is losing it and then gaining it back.

See, it's hard work in the beginning, to lose weight. But everybody is so encouraging! And then the results start to show, and every single day, someone says something about it (some great, some awkward, but you secretly like the attention). But then after a while, you plateau. And they find someone else to encourage, and you're like a washed up teen star. Who wants to eat to numb those feelings. (Oh come on, that's just me? Told you I was getting honest here.)

Don't freak out. I haven't gained 80 pounds. But I've gained some. Enough to make my pants tight. Enough to make me worried. Enough to make me disappear from my blog. How did I let this happen? Let's just say that a back injury paired with bronchitis turned into a cheat meal which turned into a cheat summer. And I ate whatever I wanted. I don't know why. Maybe to see if I could do that.

Well, I can't. Yes, it's true. If you eat like crap, you end up feeling like crap. And those ten seconds of foodie bliss end up to a summer of regret.

See, bad eating is kind of like bad anything. You do a little something bad, then the next thing isn't so bad, and then that next thing doesn't seem as bad, and then before you know it, you're going to two different Kroger's to find the right Krispy Kreme donuts to eat for breakfast.

Yes, that happened.

So fast forward to this morning. I had my first session with my trainer again, after taking the summer off. I was nervous. We didn't weigh in (thank God) because I'm emotionally not ready for that. But she did ask me about my eating. I think the conversation went something like this:

Trainer: "Well, it sounds like you've been working out a bit less because of your back, but has your eating been ok?"

Me: "Nope."

Trainer: "Really?"

Me: "Yeah, I have literally been eating everything in sight. I do good during the day, but then I go home, and it's game on."

So we end up talking this through and she finds out I have junk food at home that I snack on at night. GOOD junk food. Like Sour Patch Kids and Klondike bars and chocolate covered pretzels. So she says six words that sent me reeling.

"You have to throw it away."

Logically, she was right. But let me tell you, when it comes to binge eating, there is no logic. There is emotion. And emotionally, it was like she had asked me to break up with my boyfriend. I realize this sounds ridiculous, but in the moment, I thought "there's no WAY I am doing that! This woman is crazy to ask that of me."



The box of junk food. I had to throw it out rather than give
it out. There was something in the trashing of it that
felt appropriate.

But in God's perfect sense of humor, as we were walking and she says this, there is an old Kinko's box at my feet. She says "take this box, and dump all the food in it and throw it out!" I protested and said "Why can't I just have a little something here and there?" to which she replied:

"You are going to eat your way through it!"

Ouch.

The logical and emotional sides of brain had a fight for about an hour. And I am proud to say, the logical side won. Today. And I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but it's time for me take my life back.

And this box of junk food is the beginning.

-Liz

Who do you run to?

I've been watching my reaction to life changes lately. This is a sobering yet very necessary process.

The biggest life pattern I've seen is how I run to food in the midst of...whatever. Whatever emotion it is, you name it, I run to food. It's usually different foods for different moods, but it's still always food. A cheap imitation of what I am really looking for.

See, I think we complicate our lives and reason away our need for God. We run to other things simply out of pride. Because if I run to God instead, I am admitting that I am not the center of my universe and that I just might need help because I am out of control. Gasp.

I am kicking around this idea of writing down all of the painful food moments I have had in my life. All the ways I have used food as a comfort, an escape, a companion, a horrible friend. This list is long and embarrassing. Every day some other moment pops up that reminds me of how I have used food in the past to try and fill that God shaped hole in me. But don't fool yourself, you have that hole too. And I bet there is something that you try to fill it with. Maybe for you it's not food. Maybe it's a guy. Or a job. Or a sport. Or a religion. None of these things replace the relationship with Jesus that we were made for.

So why do we keep doing it?

Last week I was lucky enough to attend the Willow Creek Leadership Summit in Chicago. I still have a brain hangover from it. It also showed me some ugly things about myself and my reactions to pain. When people hurt me (and I feel so deeply that this happens more than you think), I don't run to God. I run to food. Because food never changes. I know exactly what those Cool Ranch Doritos will taste like, and I need to numb the pain of being hurt, even for a few moments with Dorito crumbs on my fingers.

I wish we would all stop being so tough. I wish we would all climb over these walls we've built. But I know that the reality is that I can't make that change for the whole world, although I will devote my life to trying. I will also commit to running towards the only permanent, loving, eternal person in my life. The person that knows me better than anyone and that will never change, never hurt me, and never leave me.

No one else has claim to that place but Jesus himself.

And to be honest, I could really use some running partners.

-Liz

Finding light in the darkness

I have been battling a back injury for the majority of the summer. Admittedly, when I can't work out to the level I am used to, everything else in my life seems to fall apart.

It's only been about a week now that I am able to walk comfortably, stand around comfortably, and not have to take 6 Advil a day and ice my back whenever I can. What a frustrating process. But I also realized how I put my life on hold at the first sign of adversity.

But what if God is trying to teach me the most important lessons in the MIDST of adversity?

The other day I went on a walk in my neighborhood. A walk instead of a run. Walking for exercise feels so lame after I have been able to run 10 miles. But on this walk, God showed me two things. A tunnel and an open field.

The tunnel for me, represented fear of the unknown. Not knowing where to place my steps. Being blinded by the light on the other side and temporarily afraid of moving forward. It's a lonely place. Confining and isolating and scary. But God showed me that I have to do two things in that tunnel - trust Him with my steps, and remember that the light floods the darkness and I just have to be patient while my eyes adjust.

How many times do I go through a tunnel as fast as I can because I am afraid? How many times do I look only at what's ahead and miss what God is trying to show me in my very next steps?

In my neighborhood, this tunnel leads directly into a wide open field. I think God was trying to show me that life is wide open. My life is wide open, and I can't limit myself to only focusing and obsessing on the scale or my weight or my calorie intake.

So in this slow exercise season, I have been able to slow my life down and try new things. Would I go on long walks and listen to Steven Furtick sermons on my iPod if I was able to run? Probably not. Would I swim laps for a mile and find peace in the sound of the water instead of listening to Guns n Roses on my iPod while I'm on the spin bike? Nope. Is it possible that God is using this time to show me that there is more to me than just high octane cardio? Yup.

There is a lot more to you than your weight. Or your career. Or your boyfriend. Or your eating disorder. Or your kids. Or your bad habit. Or your church life. Or your team. Or your new school. Or your reputation. We were created for wide, open fields. Don't forget that.

-Liz

Gluten-free snack tips for dummies

Today I am on day 5 of gluten-free life. I have no idea how long this will last, so don't ask...

But while it's lasting, I thought I might give some tips of my favorite "clean" foods that I've been snacking on. Also important to note that I don't like cooking, I like easy.

1. Lara Bars. These are replacing my go-to Balance Bars. Totally different. Sweetened with dates and other natural fruits. My favorites are Cherry Pie, Apple Pie, and Coconut Cream Pie. (Although, if I had my way...I'd rather eat pie.)
2. Oatmeal. And lots of it. I just discovered an instant steel cut oatmeal by Oat Revolution. It's my on the go hot snack at the Y. Water from the coffee machine upstairs and oats in a Styrofoam cup. Magical.
3. Spinach, goat cheese, pear salad with balsamic. Not a big salad girl, but this one gets me good.
4. Trader Joe's Honey Greek Yogurt. This is like...crack. It is SO GOOD. Add granola and you will actually think you are doing crack. Confusing.
5. Hard boiled eggs. I don't like eggs for breakfast typically, but a hard boiled egg? Add some sea salt to it and it is an epic snacky treat.
6. PB2. This is a crazy powdered peanut butter that you can put in yogurt, cereal, oatmeal, smoothies, etc. 85% less calories than peanut butter and it doesn't taste like those other weird peanut butter substitutes I've tried like "Better Than Peanut Butter". GROSS. Talk about false advertising.
7. Vanilla almond milk. Better than soy in the flavor department. Yeah I said that.

And then if you are willing to take the plunge, my Vitamix blender has TRULY changed my life. They are stupid expensive, and my dad bought mine for me. So if you have a sweet dad, ask him to buy one for you. But I do shakes in it practically every morning. It also makes soups and salsas and dips and on and on, but I only make shakes. Here are some good ingredients:

1. Bananas. CRUCIAL. They thicken up the shakes and make it feel more filling.
2. Kale/Spinach mix. I get a mix at Trader Joe's called "Power to the Greens" which is chard, kale, and spinach. Spinach is by far the LEAST bitter green to add to shakes, so I recommend that if you are a taste snob like me.
3. Flax Seeds or Chia Seeds. They add fiber, and flax seeds add a nutty kick to a peanut butter chocolate smoothie. And the vitamix PULVERIZES these tiny seeds. It's crazy.
4. Almond milk. You only need a little! Spinach naturally breaks down into a bit of a liquid, so add less almond milk than you think you need.
5. Frozen fruit. My picks are berries, pineapple, or mango.
6. Coconut flakes.
7. Ice. If you aren't adding frozen fruit, you need some ice.
8. Hemp protein powder. This is the most natural yet least offensive tasting protein powder that is gluten-free.

Eating gluten-free has been really hard for me. And I know it won't last forever. But I have seen noticeable improvement in my restfulness at night and my general health during the day. Try it out if you want, but not if it makes you go CRAZY with snacking at night (I have noticed this as a side effect of cleanses for me. I do great during the day, but when the sun goes down, so does my will power because I am STARVING).

If you know of any other easy gluten-free snacks, let me know!

-Liz

Burn your fences

It's amazing what I can talk myself out of.

My life has been emotionally charged lately. I guess it's a combination of a lot of things, and a few things that I'm not willing to crack open on a blog. But let's just say my highs have been high, and my lows have been low. VERY low.

You would think that after two years of battling food issues, I wouldn't turn to food in the midst of emotional turmoil.

You would be wrong.

I still have go-to comfort foods. Even though, ultimately, these foods make me uncomfortable. I know what overeating does to me, but even though I know what it does to me, I do what I want. And after those few minutes of food bliss, I experience food depression. It's deep and dark and isolating and defeating.

So even though I know what I shouldn't do, I do it anyway. It makes me feel extremely alone, and I wonder if anyone deals with this as ridiculously as I do. And then God reminds me in Romans 7:

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

So if you are a fence sitter like me, take this seriously. Don't just hop off the fence, burn the fence. Don't let that fence be an option anymore. There is a battle going on for each one of us. An angel and a devil on each shoulder. One talking you out of bad decisions, the other talking you into bad decisions. Here is a list of thoughts that are TRUE SIGNS you are listening to the devil and not the angel. I know, because I think the same things:

1. I've had a long day. I deserve a little comfort food!
2. I'll start tomorrow.
3. Everyone else can eat whatever they want, so why do I have to live differently?
4. I already cheated once, so the weekend is lost anyway.
5. I just need a break.

And on and on and on. I haven't figured out the happy medium yet. But I do know from experience, that the slide starts slow and before you know it, you get out of control and when you lose self-control, it's the danger zone.

I had to get off the fence this week. While it's true that no one else is in my exact same circumstances, I have realized that food does not comfort me like I wish it would. It hurts me. And I'm not willing to hurt myself like this anymore.

If you're in the midst of a struggle like this one, know that God is on your side. So that is the side we have to listen to. Every. Single. Time.

-Liz

The next big thing.

This game will easily ruin your
social life. Beware!

I was at a restaurant the other night and I saw a family eating dinner together. Well, together is a relative term. They were sitting at the same table, yes. But one of their kids was on their Nintendo DS, and the other one had headphones in. That's not the craziest part. The craziest part was that this appeared to be completely acceptable and normal to the entire family.

Like most times in life, I thought about how this is applying to me personally instead of casting that impatient judgment on the non-together family. I see a lot of this in my own life, but it comes out in different ways. One way happened that same night as all of my friends sat down for a meal together. At one point, I was playing Candy Crush for my friend Hannah to try and level her up and my friend Ryan was texting our other friend and my friend Austin was watching one of the 300 flat screen tv's on at the restaurant and my friend Hunter was trolling his twitter feed. We were all together, but were we really together?

I am thinking about this today because I think it gets dangerous. I am reading David Platt's new book and I think it's dangerous. He wrote "Radical" and he is a radical guy. He is most certainly the guy that says "drop everything and follow Jesus" which turns into a geographic challenge from him to "quit everything and move to a third world country." That's where it gets dangerous to me.

Yes, that is God's plan for some. But not all. Yes, that is God's call to some, but not all. The flip side of this movement is that I think it's creating a generation of us that can't connect to the here and now because we are always thinking of the there and later.

What is the next best thing? Is there someone else that has texted me that I need to reply to right now instead of talking to the person across the table from me? Where will this job take me later? How long will I have to do this in order to get to that?

We are asking the wrong questions. The only question I think we should be asking is this: "God, what will you have me do today?"

I hope you are in a place where you know you are loved right now, where you are. Because that's where God is. He is right there, where you are. And as far as I know, our only calling is to love God and love others.

Everything else is just geography.

-Liz