Freaking HURRY UP.

I would like to snap my fingers and be done with losing weight.

But I'm never going to be done. And that really depresses me. I know it shouldn't, but it's just a reality that I am having to embrace. Truthfully, it's not about losing weight. It's about my health. And that's just the beginning.

I weigh in once a week with my trainer. Today was not a good weigh-in. I didn't cheat, I didn't do anything different, and in fact, my body felt great. I am learning more about myself and growing closer to God than I ever have before. And I am battling stronger than ever. My clothes are loose, my energy is up, my sleep is awesome.

But one bad number on the scale will send me over the edge. And it did.

I know that God is teaching me things today. I know He is teaching me that there is so much to learn in the waiting. I know that He is refining me. I know that He is showing me love and care and that it is a process. I know all of these things but right now, in this moment, I want to quit and go hang out with my friends Ben and Jerry.

I won't. Don't worry. Just a little more feeling sorry for myself and then tomorrow is a new day. The one lesson I am learning at this very moment? Being successful does not mean that every day is roses. It takes sun and rain to make things grow. Today it's pretty rainy. (it's also 75 degrees in December and later I will be running outside with shorts and a t-shirt so...at least I have that going for me)

-Liz

Afraid to move on

I have a closet full of clothes that are now too big. And a drawer full of them. Well, several drawers full of them.

The other day, I emptied out the drawers but I just transferred the big clothes to two plastic bins. Still in my house, still there just in case. Just in case?

Just in case I gain all the weight back. Just in case I decide to give up. If I keep those clothes, I can always go back to them, and no one would ever know that I lost the battle. I would just go back in time like all of this never happened.

Well as God tends to do, he slapped me upside the head today. Why would I choose to go back to that lifestyle of selfishness and disobedience? To not living a full life? To rejecting my newness in Christ? The only way for me to be obedient to God this way is to get rid of the clothes I have been holding onto "just in case."

Once I stacked them all up I saw a lot of memories. A lot of looks in the mirror hating the person I saw, and refusing to face the truth that I had to do something. But now, no matter what size, I am learning to love myself through changes. (Don't skip over that "no matter what size" part.)

So here's what moving forward looks like. Without a net of big clothes to catch me. Yikes.

Food Focus



Entenmenn's Raspberry danish twist. It was
not uncommon for me to take care of the
whole box in one sitting. Yikes.

 Why is everything centered around food?

I wish I could tell you how many times my social life has been centered on food. Where are we eating? What do they have? What are the portions like?

One of the reasons I love Mexican food so much is because they give you bottomless chips and salsa. Bottomless. Do I really need to eat a bottomless anything?

The more frustrating thing for me recently is, because I've change my eating habits, I've had to change my social habits. No matter where you live in the world, you think it's boring. And when you're bored, what do you do? You eat. Using food to fill my boredom has given me an idea to list the other ways that I have used food in the past. Maybe you can relate to some of these:

1. Food is my reward
2. Food is my stress reliever
3. Food is my comfort
4. Food is my distraction
5. Food is my pain reliever
6. Food is my best friend
7. Food is my substitute for loneliness
8. Food is my social focus
9. Food is my constant companion. Always there, always the same, always good.

And that's where I stop. Because it's just not true. Food will never fill those roles in my life, and unfortunately I have let it be all of those things for far too many years. I just finished a book called "Thin Within" that I highly recommend, and in it, there is an exercise where you list certain foods that, in your life, have been your choice in times of certain emotion. For instance...

• When I am feeling sick, I eat....
• When I am bored, I eat...
• When I am celebrating, I eat...
• When I am with my family, I eat...

And I could fill in all 25 of the emotional blanks. I knew right away what foods were associated with what emotions. Entenmann's, Bojangles, Ben & Jerry's, donuts, pizza, sushi, on and on and on.

What's the point? The point is this: we let food be the center of our worlds and the center of our emotions. Connect the dots on that has been HUGE for me. I hope that I can shift this food focused life to a God focused life and continue to believe in myself more than I believe in temporary satisfaction.

Get on board with me. Things are about to get crazy.

-Liz

Victoria, We've Got Our Own Secret

This is an article from our friend Ryan Beckler at Penn State. The original can be found here. If you are too lazy to click (and some of us are), here it is below:

Given what November has been like, last night was pretty usual. I covered a panel discussing the scandal, then I picked up D.P. Dough on the way home. I got home around 10:15 p.m., and, like millions of other American men, I flipped on the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. I sat down, started watching, and opened up my computer.

About 30 seconds in, I saw one girl and thought, “Wow! She’s really… skinny.” She wasn’t the only one. I kept thinking, “She’d be much more attractive if you put another 15 pounds on her.”

A commercial break allowed me to check my social media streams. I was pretty shocked at what girls were posting/tweeting:

• “BRB, starving myself. Thank you, VS fashion show.”
• “Victoria secret fashion show = going to throw up to make myself look that good!”
• “NEVER. EATING. AGAIN.”
• “Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.. now I feel like a whale =[ “

Huh? What the hell? Something is seriously wrong here. I quickly realized that this is a BIG American issue. Young ladies in high school and college are striving to have these razor thin bodies. So I guess my question is, what is the motive? If you think you’re impressing men with pointy hips and no butt, I have some bad news: it’s not attractive. I’m sure the male population is behind me when I say that we prefer curves.

Now, my mother raised me to be a gentleman. A real man just wants a girl to be herself, physically and socially. We like you for who you are, not for who you aspire to be. Nothing is more attractive than a woman who’s confident and comfortable with who she is. Also, the ability to have an intelligent conversation is much more important than your dress size to us. Believe me when I say that.

Ladies, you may ask, “So, Ryan, what if being myself isn’t good enough for him?” Guess what? He’s not worth a second of your time.

With all of that said, I hope that you understand that there’s really no need to strive for that famed “Victoria’s Secret Angel” body (if you already have it, good for you, but there’s no need to make it your aim). The American generalization that you’re not perfect unless you’re 6’1” and 115 pounds is false, shallow, and wrong. You’re perfectly fine as is.

I’m not just saying that, either.

So please, ladies, keep eating. We’ll still love you. Promise.

Beautiful, Scandalous...weight.

"Even the skinniest girls struggle with their weight."

Yeah right. I've never believed that. Probably because I've never been skinny. Ever. Today is a milestone for me. I've lost 35 pounds in 3 months, and I am the thinnest I've been since I can remember recording my weight.

I'm not bragging about that. But I am about to tell you how I got there. And how I will continue to get there. Ready?

I believe whole heartedly that I was created for more.

Yes, I changed my eating habits and workout routine, but the change that has been the hardest was shifting from the fat girl defeatist mentality to the new creation in Christ mentality.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, she is a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come." - 2nd Corinthians 5:17. Is it possible that God cares about my weight? I have found that  it's not only possible, it is an absolute truth. I don't know what weight you are, or what thing is holding you back from accepting love. For me, it has always been my weight. Always. It is this barrier that surrounds me from letting people in. But you know what I realized? Not letting people in is the same thing as not letting me out. I was stuck, and I was the one in isolation. Ultimately, I am the one that has gotten hurt the most.

God wants to make me new. Every day. He wants me to know that I am loved completely, at any weight, at any size, at any color, at any mistake. So I could lose 100 pounds tomorrow, and until I believe that, I will struggle at 150 pounds just like I would at 350 pounds.

Your weight struggles, your performance struggles, your fear of letting people in, your loss of a relationship, your pain whatever it may be, all comes from the same lonely place of not knowing what you're worth. When we believe we are worth it, we will do a lot of crazy things. We will leave a bad relationship. We will stop stuffing our feelings down with food. We will quit drinking. We will go to church for the first time. We will accept a compliment. Whatever it is.

You are amongst the community of broken people finding our way to wholeness. You are at home, and you are not alone.

-Liz

Walking Alone in America

I am thinking about writing a book on loneliness. Specifically, loneliness in America.

Henri Nouwen says that "while the rest of the world lives off of $2 a day, the greatest American poverty is loneliness."

It's my biggest struggle. And it's a struggle that doesn't go away. I can't run from it, I can't hide from it, I can only walk towards it and through it, praying that this time won't be as bad as the last.

Why is this America's greatest poverty? I'm not sure that we have learned the value of community yet. I am not a world traveler, I have only traveled to one country outside of the U.S. and that's Jamaica. But what I learned there, I am sure, can translate to the rest of the world. Those that are poor seek wealth in their community. In relationships. We are so rich in resources here in America that we don't have to rely on anyone. But isn't that the lie that we all believe?

I don't know about you, but I see my community seemingly unable to love each other in the way that Jesus calls us to. Do you see people carrying each others burdens? Bearing with one another in brotherly love? Giving away our money? Sharing our resources? Sharing our homes? Having church that lasts as long as it takes, and maybe past the sixty minutes that people are comfortable with?

Here is the hope I found. And I read it from, you guessed it, Henri Nouwen. "Our moments of deep despair and loneliness are actually a call towards solitude with God." Our world is loud, entertaining, comfortable, excessive, and unbelievably lonely. In your moments of loneliness, God is right there with you. That feeling in your gut of despair and longing for comfort is your heart crying out for your Dad, your Creator, your Lord. You will want to ignore that fact, because when you believe it, your whole heart will change. Your world will be rocked. And your loneliness will lose power.

Walk towards God in your loneliness, and stay with Him especially when it's uncomfortable. The longer you stay, the more the despair will fade and make room for hope. And hope does not disappoint.

-Liz

You look great! Keep going!

Me, Rich, Ryan, and Austin in a 5k back in March.

I've been doing this weight loss thing for a couple months now. I have lost enough weight that people notice. Coincidentally, I work in a place where there are a LOT of people in and out, and most of them are on a quest to get healthy. So it's a topic of conversation.

I guess it's no surprise that it's hard to take a compliment. It's hard for us to just say "thank you" when someone genuinely compliments us. The surprising thing for me is that, as I am searching for motivation every single day, I receive motivation in the form of a compliment yet my gut reaction is to reject the compliment. Here are some of the responses I have given lately:

• Thanks, but it's a slow process.
• Yeah, I have a long way to go.
• Ugh, this is only the beginning.
• I don't feel great, I didn't lose any weight this week.
• It's going to take me forever to reach my goal.

Why is it so hard for me to accept what I am looking for? I pray for motivation and God gives it to me. But instead of accepting that gift, I lessen it, I adjust it, I make it manageable for me to take in. My terms, my way, my excuses. Because, what if I don't keep going? What if I fail? What if I don't meet the goals that I set for myself? Now that people are noticing, I am on display. I can't screw it up. I don't want to be embarrassed. Did you notice how many "I" statements I just wrote in a row? Too many. Too freaking many.

It's not about me. It's not about my way. If I tried it God's way, I would be gracious. If I tried it God's way, I would be patient with myself. If I tried it God's way, I would rejoice in the small opportunity to glorify God when people ask me how I'm doing this, because I'll be honest...I have no idea how I'm doing it some days. That's how I know that someone else is in charge.

Seems like God might have a better idea of what I need than I do. So for all the people that have said kind words to me lately, thank you. Thank you, thank you. And yes, I will keep going! We all will!

-Liz