Defense Mechanisms

Last week I was in the stairwell, running a set of stairs with my trainer. She likes to ask me deep philosophical questions right when I am in the midst of cardio meltdown. Needless to say, I rarely answer but just tell her "DENTIST!" which is our code word for "I clearly can't talk right now, I can barely breathe and you did this to me so cut it out."

But this time, I really had to answer.

I've managed to keep progressing through some setbacks. I hurt my neck and back pretty badly a few weeks ago, and the steroids I was on made me want to eat everything in sight. Add that to not being able to work out at the level I am used to, and it was an emotional setback in a big way. Once you start to eat whatever you want, it's hard to stop. It opens a floodgate and I could see into a dark future of gaining 80+ pounds back right before my eyes. So, it took some soul searching and major self-discipline to turn that around.

So there we were in the stairwell and my trainer said something like "Ok, so you are recovering well and have made it past some serious obstacles that would sideline a lot of other people. Everyone is commenting on how great you look, but I know that will start to slow down as you are staying in this new size. Where are you in your head now that you are at this point in the process?"

Loaded question. LOADED question. Because what my trainer probably doesn't know, is that I think about this all the time. And I mean ALL the time.

So I had a prepared answer.

It's funny you should ask, I told her, in between my gasps for air. I have been thinking about this a lot.

I remember, word for word, what I told her, and here it is:

"Before I started this whole weight loss thing, I was a people pleaser. And losing weight has allowed me to move from being an unsuccessful people pleaser to a God pleaser. I no longer judge my self-worth on other people's opinions of me."

The greatest thing about all this? I meant it.

And that conversation has got me thinking about defense mechanisms. The things that we all do to keep other people away. For some of us, it's weight. See, my weight was a physical barrier for me to keep the world out. For others of us, it's how we dress, or sarcasm, or how we misuse affection, or a number of other ways that we keep people at a distance.

Fear of being hurt makes us do crazy things. Stupid things. But guess who gets hurt the most in the process? When I don't let people in, this also means that I can't get out. There I was, living a pretty isolated life. Alone in my bubble, with food as my reliable companion.

Now I know that food isn't a friend to me at all. What is that thing, for you, that is keeping people out and keeping you locked in? Would you be willing to step out with me into a scary world of freedom?

Don't you think it's time? See, the door can be opened by someone else. But you have to be willing to walk out.

-Liz