I got this. I don't got this.

I confess. I am probably the most prideful person on the planet. Even though I know this and have known this for most of my life, for some reason it still surprises me that my pride continues to bamboozle me on a regular basis.

For instance, the big question as of late: Can I have a cheat day?

I don't know the answer. Some days I think absolutely not! I don't want to offset the workout I just did! Other days I think, there is no WAY that I can maintain this level of discipline with my eating for the rest of my life without a break. So bring on the wings!

Is there an in between? For me, there hasn't been. A cheat meal for me has turned in to the after meal dessert, then it's the weekend and why not make it last a little longer. Before you know it, I've had pizza and donuts and tastykakes and on and on and on. (By the way, that really happened.)

So without knowing the answer to the cheat meal question, I have to remind myself over and over again that I do NOT have this all figured out. And usually, the best thing to do when that happens in my mind is to let other people in to the discussion.

If you are trying to lose weight, or be better with your money, or stay away from that bad relationship in your life, I can confidently tell you that YOU DON'T GOT THIS. Not by yourself, anyway. Who is in your life that can walk through this crap with you? Whoever that person is, don't let them get away!

Pride keeps us from making big changes in our lives. Pride also isolates us and makes us believe that we can do it alone. Honestly, if we could make big changes alone, don't you think we would be over this by now?

And one more cool story for the day. Lately, I have been LOVING the spin bike. It's always been this piece of equipment at the Y that has scared me. I guess because I only ever saw super fit people on it and it was just this intimidating thing. If you can't see it in the photo, it says "Maximum user weight 300 lbs." It feels awesome to be under that maximum user weight.

Do you have any idea how many ways we are limited when we're overweight? This is quite a victory, indeed.

-Liz

Life lessons brought to you by The Wop

A few months ago, I downloaded the software update for my iPhone. The best feature, in my opinion, is that I can set my alarm to wake up to any song in my library. (side note: the worst feature is still the Maps application. HATE IT and immediately got google maps beta.)

But I digress.

SO...the song I wake up to every morning now? The Wop. If you don't know it, quit reading my stupid blog and go get it. The reason I like it? It starts with the rapper saying "UH-OH!!!" you know, like you're about to be in trouble if you listen to this beat cause you can't handle it. It's so great. It gets me up and going early.

At the Y, we don't have early morning meetings. Typically, we don't need to be in until 9:30 am. But I am getting up earlier than ever these days. Why, you ask? Because I need to give my first fruits to my workouts. I need to give my best to myself right now, or else I might not do it.

My roommate is a self-diagnosed procrastinator and we talk all the time about how this is a really hard habit to break. I am seeing this in my life more and more as I submit to God and stop being so tough about doing things my own way. This might seem weird to you, but I know that God wants me to work out in the mornings. He wants time with me first thing, and the biggest way I am showing obedience to Him right now is to freaking GET OUT OF BED.

But I LOVE my bed. I rearranged my room and I have this great little nook now and it's just the bomb.

But God is telling me to come on. Something happens when I hear The Wop start and I know that I need to get moving. I can't lie, there are days where I am disobedient and I turn off the Wop and turn over in my bed. But lately, I'm getting it.

So the life lesson and workout tip for you? Whatever you're struggling with...take care of it. Even if it's just a little bit. Quit putting it off. Here's the thing...when I get my cardio done in the morning, I am sweating like a man, and it's not even 9am, it's awesome because I am DONE for the day. When I DON'T do my cardio first thing, it hangs over my head all day. And by the time I get to it in the afternoon, I am just tired and cranky and blah.

Here's your homework: go download The Wop. And we'll all start our day with a big UH-OH!!! first thing tomorrow.

-Liz

Big wins, big losses.

It just depends on the day, my friends.

If you caught me in conversation last week, you would know I was KILLING it and doing really great.  Good workouts, great eating, in the fight.

If you caught me in conversation today. you would have gotten a completely different story.

I'm posting this to everyone as encouragement that, yes, we can start over. Every day. And I need to start over tomorrow because today was terrible. So don't let your today ruin tomorrow. I have done that for too long.

Forgive yourself for whatever happened today. So we can all start again tomorrow.

See you at the Y at 7am tm. I'll be the one getting it on the treadmill.

Dust yourself off and try again.

-Liz

The moment I didn't recognize myself.

There are 300 things I could talk about in this blog. I'll spare you the 299 other things flowing through my head and share a picture with you.

My friend took this last week. We were on a trip to Jamaica with 24 friends. We have gone several times, this was our fifth trip. This picture freaks me out because I genuinely did not know that it was me. Is this me? Is that my body? Is that my back? Because for as long as I can remember, I have cropped my backside out of photos and carefully photoshopped unflattering body shots of myself because I was so unhappy with my body. And this is the very reason that I don't have an old picture to compare to the one below:

Some of you are nodding your head in agreement. Some of you are thinking about those pictures you used to post to Facebook that you took of yourself in the bathroom mirror. You know the ones, just above your head to make your face look thinner and your body disappear into perspective.

What are we DOING to ourselves?

Do you realize that you are your own worst critic? Or that 99.9% of us see a seriously skewed version of ourselves? I hate the term "selfies". I hate Facebook albums filled with pictures of you, over and over again. It's like a cry to the social media world of "Am I acceptable? Do you think I am beautiful?" and it's the hope that someone, just one person (hopefully that guy that we like) will comment and affirm that yes, in fact, we ARE acceptable.

Do you see how screwed up this is?

No one but God gets to determine your value. Did you read that? I think you need to hear it again. No one but God gets to determine your value.

I remembered that today as I was working out. I thought about it today because I have seen so many people lose weight and then give up. I ran it through my mind today because I have thought about giving up. Because this is HARD. And it will take forever.

But the alternative is to give in to the lie that I am not worth it. If I believe that, I quit. But if I believe God, I fight.

So freaking fight, would you? Fight for yourself.  And quit letting other people decide your value. I'm in if you are.

Also, as a favor to me, enough with the selfies.

-Liz

I can only go up from here.

Today was a turning point.

My roommate left for the day to do some work stuff, and I fell asleep. My nap was terrible. I don't typically nap because they just leave me groggy and blah for the rest of the day.

This particular nap was, in a word, sucky. I have been sick for about two weeks, and have sort of slipped into a depressive state of mind. My eating has been crappy, no workouts for the past four days, and just feeling terrible. So this nap was a bad idea, I have just been SO TIRED lately.

I had weird dreams. Bad dreams. Not the scary kind in terms of bizarre things you can't control, but scary in the terms of feelings and emotions that put you right back into the past. The dark parts of your past.

So I woke up hungry and thought two words: Dunkin Donuts. My roommate was gone, I was alone and lonely. So what do I think about in those emotional states? Donuts. Maybe you think about something else. Same emotion, different vice.

Donuts.

I'll be honest, I had keys in hand, about to get in my car and head over there. I wish I could say I immediately knew it was a bad idea and I stopped myself, but it took a while. It took a few hours of wrestling with my past to stop me from hitting that drive-thru. That's why I think today was a turning point. I ate lunch here, I got myself together and I got in the car.

But I didn't hit the donut shop. I hit the Y. And then Kroger and got detox foods that I needed. I need to turn this around. Today I had a choice to live in the dark, certain past, or try again in my bright, uncertain future. I hate that this food thing still has such a strong hold on me and I've been in this process for a year. But I can't fool myself either, thinking that this isn't a problem for me anymore and I can get slack about it.

I can only go up from here.

-Liz

Big people, lonely world.

Yesterday was rough for me. Just a ROUGH day. I am trying to figure out what really happened and what put me in my funk, but honestly I think it was just that regular realization I get that this weight struggle will NEVER be over.

Part of me feels bad that my closest friends, even my best friend, can't understand what I am going through. The reality is that, if you don't struggle with being as overweight as I have been in my life, you just don't get it. I'm sorry to say that my thin friends (who still struggle with weight like almost ALL of us) just simply can't understand what I am going through.

It is a lonely world if you are big.

I am not where I used to be, but I am not yet where I want to be. This place is perhaps the loneliest place of all. I realize what I want, and I am working on getting it, but I am lost in the journey. It's a slower process than I had hoped. My workouts are great, but my battle with my eating is greater.

So my big question right now is, how do I keep after this thing without letting it consume my life?

I wish I knew. I wish this blog ended with a big high five and a revelation. But it doesn't. Either way I go, if I get too extreme, it is an obsession. I can't explain how much each and every day of my life right now is spent thinking about my weight and where I have been and where I want to go. I have trouble enjoying where I am right now because I still don't feel successful. What's up with that? And if I let it go and don't concentrate on my weight loss, I will gain back what I worked so hard to lose. What's the answer?

Why am I harder on myself than I am on other people? Why am I so unforgiving of myself when I am so quick to forgive others?

I ordered a women's jacket from Columbia last night, size XL. I tried it on and it didn't fit. Meanwhile, my best friend tried on her size small jacket and it fit perfectly. Defeating, defeating, defeating. And not her fault at all. Just another reminder of my size.

It's probably not fair for me to shut people out that don't know what the weight loss struggle feels like. But I don't know any other way. They might be able to see the pain and try to love me through it, but it just doesn't help me. The annoying thing is, I don't know what WILL help me since I feel like I am in this alone.

When I figure that out, I'll let you know.

-Liz

I guess it's working?

Got this email from a new friend last night. I guess the blog is helping to connect us. That's the goal, right?

SO…at the risk of sounding like someone with no life on a Friday night…I just, through tears and laughter, read your entire blog – from the start of your weight loss journey to now. Wow. I identified with so many things you shared – your vulnerability and authenticity are refreshing. I’m not sure I could be so bold. I feel like I have so much to process. Mostly to process with the Lord, I suppose… I am feeling really empowered and really motivated. I know that I have been doing this half-heartedly and it is time that I really dive into this with everything I have – and I am encouraged by your story and have HOPE that I can do this too!! Thank you for being real…through the ups and the downs!! You are a blessing.

AND on a much less emotional and significant note…Madonna’s Immaculate Collection CD is one of my ALL TIME FAVS and I’m also a big fan of Michael Jackson – so I laughed out loud at your reference to his “You are Not Alone” – might need to listen to both of those in the next few days!

See you at the Y next week!!

That's awesome. 

-Liz