Why not me?

I asked a friend of mine, Sarah, to write a blog post. She is 19 years old and has had fantastic success losing weight over the past year. But it was and is FAR from easy. Read this, and prepare to nod your head in agreement with her honesty and realness:

I have been overweight since about the age of 13. After my parent’s divorce I turned to food for comfort. It was the one constant I could turn to when my life seemed to be falling apart. Food was something that was guaranteed to always be there and always seemed to make me happy.

At this time my mom saw me, her youngest daughter, gaining weight and took me to a nutritionist. This was the first of many different diets/nutritionists/personal trainers that I would encounter. At this point I didn’t feel overweight. I was still extremely happy and doing normal kid things like swimming on the swim team and hanging out with friends. The thing that made me most upset was not that I was overweight, but how much my weight bothered my mom. The different diet plans would work for a short period of time, but I would eventually fall back into my old habits and gain the weight back. Looking back, I think I was too young to make a lifestyle change. I didn’t see a problem, so I had no intention to change my ways.

Now I am 19 years old. A little over a year ago I was a senior in high school and it was senior prom time. This is the event that most students dream of. For me it was the opposite. All of my friends were getting asked to prom in cute ways and shopping at the cutest boutiques for their fancy dresses. I was dreading the prom season because for one I didn’t get asked and secondly I was worried I wouldn’t find a dress that I fit into and actually liked. Prom ended up being a fun occasion, but it opened my eyes to how much my weight was holding me back. Although others didn’t seem to define me by my weight, I realized I was defining my own self-worth by my weight.

Senior prom, May 2013 - and then the same dress on July, 2014.

So, I really set my mind to making a change. I was sick of going to the doctor and getting a lecture about how my weight was unhealthy, I was tired of feeling so insecure, and most of all I was tired of being so unhappy. These things served as motivation for me to keep on track with my healthy eating and exercising.

I wish I could say that this major lifestyle change has been easy. From the outside it probably looks like it is. What makes this process so difficult is the internal thoughts that go on inside my head. I sometimes feel like these thoughts attempt to sabotage my weight loss and I have to fight against them to keep on the right track.

One thing in particular that has been an ongoing struggle on this journey is the self pity that I create for myself. I often catch myself thinking "Why me?" or "How come I struggle with weight while none of my friends do?" or “No one understands how hard this is for me”. It’s easy to just get angry at the situation and use this anger as an excuse to give up, but these questions I ask myself only lead to even more negative thoughts. For one, it is not a good thing to compare yourself to others because everyone (yes even the person that you think has it all together and seems "perfect") struggles with something. Some people's struggles are more visible than others, but no one is perfect. Another issue with this thought process is that thinking these thoughts doesn't change ANYTHING. I have learned that I need to accept this challenge that I have in front of me. Pitying myself doesn't help my fight whatsoever.

Another issue I have come to face is the feeling of embarrassment when eating out with friends. For some reason going out to eat has become a social experience. If you are meeting up with friends they seem to decide to go out to dinner or go out for ice-cream. This used to be my favorite outing, but has recently turned into a planned out occasion. When  we choose a restaurant I immediately pull up an online caloric version of the menu. I either do this before I arrive or at the table (making sure no one sees). When we order, I feel a mixture of embarrassment and jealousy. 

For example, just last week my friends and I went out to eat while at the beach. They all decided to order milkshakes- I didn't partake in this and instead ordered a water. For some reason I feel embarrassed in situations like this because I think everyone is thinking about my choice and it seems awkward. In reality I am sure no one even thinks twice about what I order. I wish I could order a milkshake, but I know the sense of guilt I would experience while drinking it would outweigh the enjoyment. In the moment this decision was not very easy, but afterwards I felt good about my choice. At school in the dining hall there is self-serve ice-cream. Often times before leaving all of my friends will get ice-cream. Instead of completely disallowing myself to partake in any dessert, I decided to create my own dessert that I enjoy and look forward to. I make a fruit and yogurt parfait with some of my favorite granola on top. With this substitution, I feel that I still get to enjoy dessert while also keeping on track with my lifestyle change.

Although these healthier decisions are extremely hard to make at times, I know that these small choices make a difference in the long run. Not having those french fries or that dessert doesn't seem like it would make a difference but those choices add up.

I know I just need to stop questioning Why and start asking myself Why not?

Sarah

The horribly wonderful, terribly terrific world of food.

This morning I had my youth director team over for a breakfast meeting at my house. Typically, this is an occasion that would be fun to plan, enjoy, and be excited about. If it was a meeting at my house, without the food, then yes - that would be the case.

But enter the horribly wonderful, terribly terrific world of food.

Breakfast is my favorite meal. No other meal can say that it is enjoyed at all times of the day. Breakfast for dinner? Yes please! Breakfast for lunch? Great! Midnight at Waffle House? Of course! So planning a breakfast filled with pancakes, egg casserole, and monkey bread (sweet, sweet monkey bread) is a dream come true.

Or a nightmare for those of us with food issues.

So I have had this internal battle for days now. Days. Should I eat what everyone else eats? What if I just have a little bit? One bite won't hurt! Just enjoy the meal! Eat whatever you want, it's not a big deal, get it out of your system!

I don't know how this happened, but pancakes, egg casserole, and an overflowing pan of monkey bread was made at my house, and I ate fruit, drank coffee, and enjoyed one Liz-shaped pancake courtesy of Anthony.

I didn't eat the monkey bread. And then I did 20 miles on the spin bike.

All this to say, God cares a lot about the things that hurt me and limit me. And God cares a lot about me overcoming those things. For me, it's food. For you, it might be something else. But none of our hang-ups are inconsequential to God. Because nothing about us is inconsequential to God. Maybe when we all see how valuable we are, we will start to see how big God is.

And in the meantime, I'll be navigating the wonderful world of food and all the delicious pitfalls in between. But today, today was a win.

Sometimes the devil sounds a lot like Jesus

"Sometimes the devil sounds a lot like Jesus, telling me I'm not enough.
But I don't believe it, but I can feel it, and I need you so. Yes I need you so."
(Ben Rector, "If You Can Hear Me")

My friend Tyler and I have been knee deep in Ben Rector songs lately. His words just seem so fitting in so many ways, and he's a Christian guy who writes Christian songs that aren't...cheesy.

This particular song has been on repeat for me lately. Have you noticed that we like to beat ourselves up so much sometimes, that we even believe God is that voice inside our heads telling us that we aren't enough?

For example: guilt we feel for drinking last night. Shame we feel for going to far with that guy. Worry we feel about that job interview. That thing we did. That mistake we made. That position we don't deserve.

And I think we reason it away with weird sayings like "God is trying to teach me a lesson" or "I guess  this is payback for my years of turning away from God" because it is easier to believe we don't deserve love than to believe anyone, let alone God Himself, could love us unconditionally.

Have you thought about unconditional love lately? We don't understand that. At all. I don't love anyone unconditionally. When someone hurts me, I protect myself from that happening again. Why would I love that person again unconditionally when there is no guarantee that I won't get hurt again? But I am probably the only one that feels this way, right?

The problem is we don't believe what God says about us. And this infects our every day. Our habits, our relationships, our bank accounts, our mirrors, our clothes, our jobs, our choices. Imagine how different you would live, just for today, believing that you are good enough.

I was going to give an update on the shiny new scale I've been using, but this came out instead. So that will happen another day soon. For right now, I think this is enough. Just like you.

I bought a scale.

I am 38 years old and have never owned a scale. We didn't really have one in my house growing up. No, scratch that...my mom had one of those doctor scales in her room when I was growing up, but I never wanted to get on it.

In fact, as I got older, I feared that scale. Since it was JUST like the doctor's office ones, it reminded me of that dreaded event that I had to endure every year. The sentence my mom would utter to me that threw me into a cookie dough panic: it's time for your physical!

I don't remember a time that the scale didn't scare me. But the danger in that thing is that, the more you ignore it, the more power it gets. I mean, I can say all day that the scale doesn't define me, and that it's just a number, and that it's only about how your clothes fit. But clothes stretch, and belts have options, and Taco Bell is so good and before you know it...you're gaining back the weight you fought so hard to lose.

So I bought a scale. And Amazon delivered it. And the box sat, unopened, on my dining room table for a few days. But today I opened it, and I put the batteries in, and I took a deep breath, and I just stepped on it. The number appeared. And it's a sucky number, but it's my indicator. My reminder. My restarting point.

This scale thing is showing me how I let other things and other people and other opinions determine my worth. When I am lonely or struggling through an issue, I turn to my food friends for comfort. And it ultimately makes me more uncomfortable.

Most of you read this and think "Just eat healthy, damn!" To you I say "thank you, but you don't get it." And I would also say...whatever that big struggle has been your whole life - a person, an event, a place, an addiction - replace that with food and welcome to my world.

So I am going to be courageous and use that scale. And I am going to live well today and not worry about tomorrow. Crazy how God knows enough about me to put that in the bible as words to live by.

Hold on to the people that love you and pursue you. And let go of the ones that don't. Don't let people determine your worth. Don't worry, I'm working on it too.

Death to selfie

This morning I heard a really great sermon on narcissism. Defined as an excessive interest in one's self or one's appearance, narcissism has become an epidemic. 

Remember when we used to take pictures with a camera that had film in it? And you had to wait until they were developed to see how you looked? Polaroids were the closest things we had to Instagram. But now, the world is scarier. Instant everything. Excessive interest in ourselves and our appearance.

Instagram reports posting over a million selfies a day. Out of those, 36% admit to retouching their selfies, and 13% admit to retouching every selfie that they post.

Excessive interest in ourselves and our appearance.

I am the queen of narcissism. When you are single without kids and live three states away from your family, it's hard to not be selfish. I only really need to worry about myself. But this focus on me has taken me down many times. And then add that to an excessive interest in my appearance and my weight and before you know it - I am fighting a losing battle with narcissism.

The great news is that our pastor this morning not only highlighted the issue, he offered a solution. If you want to combat selfishness, walk in step with God. Focus on Jesus, not on yourself. Look outward, not inward, for wisdom and knowledge.

I don't know how to do this right. But I do know that I just have to try it. Every day. When I get out of step, I start over. Every day. And I also know that we need to go easy on ourselves. Look outward, not inward. Focus on Jesus, not myself.

And for God's sake, girls, quit making that kissy face. You look better when you just...smile.

Facebook will lie to you.

I had dinner with a friend tonight, a friend that I have known since she was a middle schooler. I love when you walk into a situation and you have no idea the depths of what you are about to experience. Our conversation, while I thought would just be us catching up on each other's lives, became about something far more important.

This particular friend of mine, we'll call her Sally, is in between jobs, school, life change, all of it. I asked Sally what she wants to do with her life. Sally said, in no uncertain terms "I am too screwed up to really know what I want."

I asked Sally what she meant and she began to tell me how she is more screwed up than anyone else she knows. That she has body image issues, is emotionally unstable, and the list went on and on.

You see, Sally is feeling how a lot of us feel. We have a rough day. We come home to an empty room because we are too tired to be social. We hop on social media and we look at photos and instagrams and tweets about how great someone looks, how much fun they are having, how clever they can be, how much...better they are than we are.

Sally is believing the lie that we all believe. That Facebook sells to us.

This is the lie: everyone else is doing great. You're the only one that is this messed up.

See, this lie cripples most of us. I have believed it for years. In my loneliness, recently, I have reached out to some friends with open hands and got nothing in return. I thought that the depths of my pain would be received by people that knew me the best. But the truth was, some of us are so afraid to open our fists to grab on to each other because we aren't willing to be rejected. And that fear of being who we really are isolates us and before we know it, we are alone. In a room. Believing the Facebook lie.

Here's the truth: I'm not doing that great. But tonight I got to connect with an old friend and tell her that, and that took away the power that isolation had on her, even for a moment. Can we be strong enough to admit that we are weak? Can we be brave enough to say that we're scared?

Some people will receive from you and some won't. I have been surprised both negatively and positively by that this week. But the friends that haven't grabbed my open hands can't be my focus. I have to fight for those that are willing to fight with me.

Don't let Facebook lie to you anymore. Let someone in so you can hear the truth: you are not the only one that's messed up. Welcome to our messy neighborhood.

What I learned from the ALS ice bucket challenge.

A few weeks ago, it started to show up on my Facebook newsfeed. And then it flooded my Facebook news feed. And then the thing happened that always happens when things get popular:

The backlash.

I thought I would make it through without having to be a part of this.

Wrong. Here's a sampling of what I saw on social media this week:

"Am I the only one who is totally tired of the ice bucket challenge ? Save the time and water and write a check people." (as of this post, 53 people "liked" this)

if you do the #IceBucketChallenge but don't actually explain ALS, I don't know if it counts as raising awareness..." via my twitter news feed

And this one, which is truly one of the most tasteless jokes I've seen in a long, long time:

"Robin Williams died doing what he loved, the ice bucket challenge." Posted by a friend of mine that I won't embarrass now by identifying.

And me...my internal monologue while seeing this: "UGH. No one better make me do this. I don't even get how this will raise money. This is dumb. People don't even know what ALS is." And on and on and on.

Ok, so here's the thing: does it matter? Does it matter why people are trying to do good? Does it matter how accurate and how educated and how perfectly responsible a good deed is? Why can't we just see people trying to do good things and support it, instead of making jokes, judging, critiquing, or grading them from the other side of an anonymous computer monitor?

Sometimes I am shocked at how judgmental I can be. And this time it moved me enough to confess it publicly, and to call it out. Side note: this stupid little social media experiment worked. Really, really well.

Whenever you try to change the world, you will have haters. In fact, I would say that if you don't have haters, you're not doing it right.

Play on, players.

Retweet this to your followers? Yes. Yes I think I will.