An anonymous comment that has me wondering...

A few posts ago, someone sent me an anonymous comment...


"You already are a great person so make sure you don't lose what makes you awesome along the way of becoming even better!!!!"


Hmmm.


I've been thinking about that comment for a few days. And as I am processing what Anonymous said, I am realizing how much truth is behind it, and that THAT VERY THOUGHT has haunted me my whole life.


If I lose all the weight, will I still be me? And has that fear stopped me from really going for this?


I have been overweight my whole life. So of course, like we all do, I developed some professional defense mechanisms and talents to take the attention off of my weight. Maybe if I make up for it in other areas, no one will notice the weight. I have a lot of talents, I guess. I can play guitar, drums, bass...I can sing, I can paint, and I consider myself pretty funny. I think I am an all-star friend, and I am pretty generous. I am not afraid to embarrass myself in public (which many of you have witnessed) and I have a soft heart that is probably, too soft at times. (Maybe that's why I am responding to this Anonymous.)


Have you ever stayed in a bad relationship because you were too afraid to move on? Have you ever chosen pain because the cost of freedom was too high? Have you ever let someone use you because you mistakenly thought it was love? If you haven't, you will. We all will. Because we are all trying to figure it out.


So Anonymous, thank you for the challenge. And I am publicly declaring (like a UFC weigh-in) that I am in this fight for the long haul and I will NOT lose who I am. Because I'm not willing to give up on myself. Because I am worth it. Because food did not make me awesome. God did. And my changed relationship with food isn't going to take that away.


Challenge.


-Liz

Put the fork DOWN.

Today, two of my co-workers took me to lunch to celebrate a big event I helped with. Eating at restaurants still stresses me out. I have to look up the calories, and I can't eat the endless bread they give you and, blah blah blah. See when I used to go to restaurants, it was all about the food. In fact, El Dorado has been my favorite restaurant for a long time because it's all the chips you can eat and the portions are massive.

But today something awesome happened. I chose wisely, I didn't eat everything I had, and I put my fork down. That might not sound like a big deal, but let me tell you why it is.

I used to value food more than people. That might sound insane, but hear me out. In restaurant situations, especially. I know this because I wouldn't put down my fork, take the time to have conversation, and make the people I am with more important than the food in front of me.

Have you ever noticed the ways we use food? It can drive us to emotional heights and depths. And in a celebratory setting like a restaurant with friends, for me it became the thing I enjoyed more than the people I was with.

So putting the fork down was awesome. Stopping before I was full was awesome. And the conversation...was more awesome than ever. When I am able to let go of the food in my hand, I can hold onto the people that want to know me better. That's pretty awesome.

Cheers for small victories!

-Liz

Getting real with myself.

What do you do when the one thing you have always turned to for comfort is...gone?

I don't know what that one thing is for you. It might be a person, a hobby, or maybe if you're like me, an addiction. My addiction was always food, and it was always there for me. See, unlike a person, you know exactly what you're going to get with food. Unlike a person, it's always available, and unlike a person, it's simple. I know the cost, the taste, the emotions, the process. It's a pretty sick cycle really. But isn't every misplaced comfort like that? We go to these people and things to love us unconditionally, when that is the job of only one person.

God.

God is the only one that can handle that pressure and that expectation. Unconditional love. Never lets me down. Knows my every secret, every sin, every dark, twisted thought, and thinks I am beautiful nonetheless. I can hate Him, turn my back on Him, curse His name, and disown Him, and He keeps His arms open.

There is no one else on earth that will do that for me.

Now that the food is gone (well, the unlimited amounts of comfort food, that is) - the raw emotion remains. I am now dealing with pain and insecurity that I used to just stuff down with food. Every day is a new battle and a new emotion and a new perspective. The only consistent I have right now is Jesus. I'm pretty sure that this is a good place to be. And in a few months, I'll probably believe that 100% without fear.

Stay tuned!

-Liz

If the world was a village of 100 people...

Lately I have been unbelievably wrapped up in myself. I can't even explain to you how selfish I've felt lately. My focus has been on me, on my weight, on my progress. Me, me, me. If you read my journal, you would notice that every paragraph starts with "I". Here is a little reminder of the reality of the world bigger than you and me:

If we could reduce the world's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all existing human ratios remaining the same, the demographics would look something like this:
The village would have 61 Asians, 13 Africans, 12 Europeans, 9 Latin Americans, and 5 from the USA and Canada.

50 would be male, 50 would be female
75 would be non-white; 25 white
67 would be non-Christian; 33 would be Christian
80 would live in substandard housing
16 would be unable to read or write
50 would be malnourished and 1 dying of starvation
33 would be without access to a safe water supply
39 would lack access to improved sanitation
24 would not have any electricity (And of the 76 that do
have electricity, most would only use it for light at night.)
8 people would have access to the Internet
1 would have a college education
1 would have HIV
2 would be near birth; 1 near death
5 would control 32% of the entire world's wealth; all 5 would be US citizens
48 would live on less than US$ 2 a day
20 would live on less than US$ 1 a day

Remember your value today. And remember that your value will never change based on what is in your pocket, the color of your skin, your weight, or your social networks.

-Liz

Freaking HURRY UP.

I would like to snap my fingers and be done with losing weight.

But I'm never going to be done. And that really depresses me. I know it shouldn't, but it's just a reality that I am having to embrace. Truthfully, it's not about losing weight. It's about my health. And that's just the beginning.

I weigh in once a week with my trainer. Today was not a good weigh-in. I didn't cheat, I didn't do anything different, and in fact, my body felt great. I am learning more about myself and growing closer to God than I ever have before. And I am battling stronger than ever. My clothes are loose, my energy is up, my sleep is awesome.

But one bad number on the scale will send me over the edge. And it did.

I know that God is teaching me things today. I know He is teaching me that there is so much to learn in the waiting. I know that He is refining me. I know that He is showing me love and care and that it is a process. I know all of these things but right now, in this moment, I want to quit and go hang out with my friends Ben and Jerry.

I won't. Don't worry. Just a little more feeling sorry for myself and then tomorrow is a new day. The one lesson I am learning at this very moment? Being successful does not mean that every day is roses. It takes sun and rain to make things grow. Today it's pretty rainy. (it's also 75 degrees in December and later I will be running outside with shorts and a t-shirt so...at least I have that going for me)

-Liz

Afraid to move on

I have a closet full of clothes that are now too big. And a drawer full of them. Well, several drawers full of them.

The other day, I emptied out the drawers but I just transferred the big clothes to two plastic bins. Still in my house, still there just in case. Just in case?

Just in case I gain all the weight back. Just in case I decide to give up. If I keep those clothes, I can always go back to them, and no one would ever know that I lost the battle. I would just go back in time like all of this never happened.

Well as God tends to do, he slapped me upside the head today. Why would I choose to go back to that lifestyle of selfishness and disobedience? To not living a full life? To rejecting my newness in Christ? The only way for me to be obedient to God this way is to get rid of the clothes I have been holding onto "just in case."

Once I stacked them all up I saw a lot of memories. A lot of looks in the mirror hating the person I saw, and refusing to face the truth that I had to do something. But now, no matter what size, I am learning to love myself through changes. (Don't skip over that "no matter what size" part.)

So here's what moving forward looks like. Without a net of big clothes to catch me. Yikes.

Food Focus



Entenmenn's Raspberry danish twist. It was
not uncommon for me to take care of the
whole box in one sitting. Yikes.

 Why is everything centered around food?

I wish I could tell you how many times my social life has been centered on food. Where are we eating? What do they have? What are the portions like?

One of the reasons I love Mexican food so much is because they give you bottomless chips and salsa. Bottomless. Do I really need to eat a bottomless anything?

The more frustrating thing for me recently is, because I've change my eating habits, I've had to change my social habits. No matter where you live in the world, you think it's boring. And when you're bored, what do you do? You eat. Using food to fill my boredom has given me an idea to list the other ways that I have used food in the past. Maybe you can relate to some of these:

1. Food is my reward
2. Food is my stress reliever
3. Food is my comfort
4. Food is my distraction
5. Food is my pain reliever
6. Food is my best friend
7. Food is my substitute for loneliness
8. Food is my social focus
9. Food is my constant companion. Always there, always the same, always good.

And that's where I stop. Because it's just not true. Food will never fill those roles in my life, and unfortunately I have let it be all of those things for far too many years. I just finished a book called "Thin Within" that I highly recommend, and in it, there is an exercise where you list certain foods that, in your life, have been your choice in times of certain emotion. For instance...

• When I am feeling sick, I eat....
• When I am bored, I eat...
• When I am celebrating, I eat...
• When I am with my family, I eat...

And I could fill in all 25 of the emotional blanks. I knew right away what foods were associated with what emotions. Entenmann's, Bojangles, Ben & Jerry's, donuts, pizza, sushi, on and on and on.

What's the point? The point is this: we let food be the center of our worlds and the center of our emotions. Connect the dots on that has been HUGE for me. I hope that I can shift this food focused life to a God focused life and continue to believe in myself more than I believe in temporary satisfaction.

Get on board with me. Things are about to get crazy.

-Liz