Meet me in the middle?

It has been a month since I wrote. But in my defense, it has been a month of madness! Current status: sitting on an air mattress in my new living room watching Fargo.

My move process was an emotional roller coaster. But what move isn't? In the turmoil, I have found some pretty spectacular moments of generosity in excess. I am grateful for the ways God looks ahead to places we can't yet see.

But my mind has been occupied with the middle. A friend sent me a fb message the other day talking about just what I had been thinking about. When weight loss becomes an idol, what do you do? Well historically, I rebel and sabotage the progress, just to prove to anyone and everyone that I have the power to do whatever I want.

This concept sounds ridiculous, but think about. Somewhere deep in ourselves, we don't believe that we deserve happiness, so even our best laid plans become a chance to sabotage. Progress can regress at the drop of a hat and before you know it, one bad decision turns you down a road of revers like you would not believe.

That happened to me. And daily, I am fighting it. Fighting for my life, really.

The loneliness of moving to a new town with new surroundings can compound these feelings, but I am allowing my eyes to stay open and to be aware of the middle. I want to get back to the middle, where I am not obsessed, and I am not rebelling.

I am aware, and I am still fighting. And hopefully a lot of us can meet in the middle and find our normalcy again. The best way I can explain it is this: we all give up on ourselves too easily. And I wish we would all agree to stop beating ourselves up like we do.

Oh yeah, and did I mention my weekend with Bob Goff? Wow. For another day...
-Liz

I do believe that refrigerator magnets tell the
stories of our lives.

My current living situation. Simplicity has
its perks.

The note left for me by the previous house
owner. This meant so much to me.

Me, Tyler, and Bob Goff. Yeah, so that was...
unbelievably ridiculous.

Our staff rally a few weeks ago. And my best shot

of living a dream of being a rock star.

When the past hijacks your present

Note the traveling band that moved from my closet
into my car into a storage unit. For now.

So, I am in the process of moving. More like, I am in the process of doing all these piddly fixes and repairs to my old house, and organizing everything I own in preparation to move to my new house.

When you clean out your closets, you really...clean out your closets.

I haven't learned that trick yet that I think most people do better than me. You know that trick where people just...move on. The ironic thing is that I was talking to a good friend of mine that has really been a mentor of mine for the past fifteen years, and she was asking me if I was excited about the move and the new community.

"You move on really easily, though" she said.

I do? Well, that was news to me.

What she really meant was that, I have no problem making new friends. And the opposite end of that pendulum? I have no problem saying good bye to friends.

Ouch.

Her comment has brought me into soul searching. Cleaning out my closets here has send me into the abyss. The past. The broken past. The mistakes.

Isn't it funny how we look to the past and never remember the full truth? It can either serve our self-pity or as a device to romanticize how things never really were.

So my new personal mission is to remind people that i don't say good bye easily, even though it appears that I do. I simply internalize it. Hide it away. The alternative is more painful for me, so it became a defense mechanism. Appearing to have the ability to move on easily, to be a social chameleon will never allow me to be fully known.

So that's the trick. Starting over. Not giving up on myself, the ability to change, to forgive myself, to remember that past mistakes don't define my future. It is a choice three hundred times a day to not let the past hijack my present. And hopefully, lifting the veil off of our defense mechanisms helps us all to be a little more open with each other.

At least, that's my hope.

Stop grieving what's been lost.

Start building on what remains.

See, I was innocently riding the spin bike this morning at around 6:30 am, and decided to take a note out of my friend Pam's book and listen to a sermon instead of my standard workout music.

Little did I know that young Steven Furtick would hit me good. He said, and I quote:

"Someone out there needs to know this. Someone out there needs to hear this: 'Stop grieving what's been lost. Start building on what remains.'"

This was meant for me. I am the someone out there that needs to know this. I randomly picked this sermon from 2011 to listen to. Does God work through technology like a time machine? Yes. Emphatically, yes.

See, I have been grieving what's been lost for the better part of a year. In my head, playing and replaying certain things. Certain people. Certain situations that I wish were different. Certain feelings that I wish would change. Times and places and conversations and texts and work outs and numbers and clothes and food and - you name it. I grieve it.

I grieve what's been lost. As if I have no other option.

But I do have another option. Not all is lost. Do you hear me? Because I believe someone out THERE needs to hear THIS: not all is lost.

We all need to start building on what remains. Yes, we are broken. But yes, we are also resilient. I still haven't figured out how to stop grieving when it comes to my emotional pain. The best thing I can say is that I am taking steps. They are baby steps, but they are steps nonetheless.

We have set backs. But they are temporary. As my dad says: "this might be your rainy season, but rain makes things grow."

Not all is lost. I need that reminder as much as you need it today.

Start building on what remains.

-Liz

I think I thought about it, but I think I can't stop thinking about it.

One foot in front of the other. Some
days, that's as far ahead as I can think.

Ever find yourself saying you're over something? But, you're not over it? And maybe you're trying to convince yourself you're over it, but then one day, you get slapped over the head that you're not over that thing you said you were over?

It's probably just me.

See, I am a fixer. I need answers. I want resolutions. I want to solve for x, I want a final number, and I want to move on. But life, unlike Algebra 1, doesn't seem to agree to my wants or desires.

What I want, I cannot get.

There are ways to escape other people's thoughts and opinions. But how do I escape my own head?

I've tried long walks. I've tried losing myself in tv shows, in a book, in work. But my brain works overtime. So much so, that I am surprised it hasn't overheated or imploded.

All of this to say, if you are wondering about me, if I am over it, wondering if I am wondering about you, the answer is yes. I don't get over things fast. In fact, things seem to rule over me for far too long. The past, the present, the future.

I read something great this morning that was meant for me. And maybe you, too:

Most of the situations that entangle your mind are not today's concerns; you have borrowed them from tomorrow. @Jesus_Calling
— Liz Simpers (@gochangemove) May 11, 2014

Anyone else? Yeah, I thought it might just be me....

Thinking of you.
-Liz

Do your thang.

In case you were wondering, this is what it looks like
when I do my thang. At work. For a photo shoot.

It has been a silent month. But that doesn't mean life has been silent!

In the past month, I have changed jobs. In the past month, I have sold my house and bought a house. In the past month, I turned a year older. And I have had to say goodbye to one community and say hello to another.

Today an old friend got in touch with me unexpectedly and we talked about life, and the past, and God, and what we struggled with then, and what we struggle with now.

I talk a lot about not being a hypocrite. I talk a lot about honesty and identity, so much so that you would think I had this stuff down pat by now.

Nope.

But my phone call today with an old friend reminded me of something great: who I am, at my core, is good. Very good. The problem is, especially in the Christian community, we try to be someone that we aren't. Someone that we think is better. Someone more "godly" except - we don't really try to be more godly, we just try to be more "religious."

To talk the right way. To be submissive. To be always agreeable. To be quiet. To be - someone I'm not.

I am loud. I am defiant. I challenge authority. I question. I wonder. I wander. But all of these things - in the hopes of knowing God even better than I already do. In the hopes of knowing the real me even better than I already do.

When did this happen? When did we get told that we aren't good enough? That we have to act a certain way to be accepted? That we need to pretend to be wise, and perfectly calm, and steady, and strong?

I hope that you do your thing. I hope that you look in the mirror and see someone amazing. I hope that you don't make a mental checklist of what needs to be fixed. And I hope that we all continue to see God in ourselves. If it's one thing this past month has taught me, it is that people love me for me. They really don't love me when I try to be the person I think they want me to be.

It's not as complicated as I like to think it is. But simple is HARD. Simply put, I need to allow myself to be seen. The real me. Not the me that I have invented in my head to look better and sound better and act better. The me that wants to get out and be known.

So, yeah, You too. You be you. And do your thang. I feel that fire kicking up in me again so watch out for the near future.

-Liz

"If you don't like what they're saying about you...

Mad Men premieres TONIGHT!
(See what I did there? Talk about a
timely blog post.)

....then change the conversation."

Don Draper is so tragic. But so wise.

I have noticed lately how we can live our entire lives fulfilling what people say about us. I have noticed how for some, this is a blessing. For some, this is a curse.

Who in your life do you listen to? Who do you lend your ear to and who gets to speak into your life?

I am a recovering people pleaser. I say recovering, because I have realized how so many of my friendships in the past have been about the other person and not about me. I pinpointed this one night when I was explaining my lack of desire to open up to others to a group of friends.

"I just don't want to offer up information about myself that much." Yes, I said it in that wording. To which my friend said "Maybe because you consider sharing something you have to offer up, like it's painful to let go of it. When the reality is, people just want to know you."

Hmm. I have been unpacking that statement for years since. Wait a minute, people want to know me? Like, the real me? The me that I am when no one is looking? The me that I am when my guard is down? The me that I am when I am exhausted and emotional and just need to vent?

Yes, world, that is true. There are people that want to know YOU. The problem is, you are too busy being someone you're not because you think that's what people want. This fake, got-it-all-together, perfectly manicured, exhausting person that you project.

I know that, because that's what I think too. I don't know about you, but I'm getting tired of pretending like I have it all together. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, all of it. That mask is getting very, very heavy.

I propose that we change the conversation. Maybe drop the small talk once and a while and say deadly statements like "You know what? I'm really struggling" or "I can't lie to you, I don't have it all together" or even "I need your help."

Does that scare you as much as it scares me? Good...so when we start doing that to each other, we will both be gentle knowing that we have to do it, but we're afraid of it. And we can be afraid together.

-Liz

Angels and Demons

I have come to realize something in my weight loss process (or, my weight gain process depending on the week):

There are two voices always battling for my ears.

One tells me over and over again: "You can't change. You should quit. This is your lot in life. You were meant to be this way. Give up."

The other one tells me over and over again: "You are new. Today is a new day. I don't even remember what happened yesterday because we are looking ahead. You got this."

Now it is clear to me who those two voices belong to. They go by many names in this world. The most epic of movies and television shows are based around the battle between them, but here we all are, stuck in the middle and wondering who we should listen to.

When I put it plainly, the choice is clear. Duh. What idiot would listen to someone that says you should give up and that you're stuck? I can answer that. See, when that voice is tied directly to my emotions, my emotions win every time.

At least, that's how it used to be.

If you are anywhere near as emotional as I am, let me give you a painful piece of advice: your emotions are not the truth. They will betray you, and they will get the best of you.

But there is good news. I have a pretty great way to fix this. Ready for it?

Let someone into your emotional life. Let someone into those deep, dark, scary lies that you know are lies, yet you still find yourself believing as truth.

That directive has been a battle for me. I have let some people in that have helped me heal, and I have let some people in that have cut me even deeper. But like most things in life, we have to experience bad to have the good.

So be open to experience. I am fighting for myself in this regard right now. I am fighting the desire to wall myself up with alone time, but I know that's not what God wants for me. You and I were not meant to go it alone. So even if you shoot me an anonymous message and need an ear, I have two of them.

One is already reserved for you.

-Liz